Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk
Okay, I've now browsed quite a bit of this forum, somewhat learned the lay of the land and feel like this is where I probably fit in best, so I'll do another introduction.
I've been married for nearly 25 years to a very high functioning alcoholic - he's been at the same job for longer than we've been married and his well respected there. He's never been arrested, wrecked a car, has no financial problems or any of the other usual pitfalls that typically befall an alcoholic. It's just that if he's not at work or asleep, he has a drink in his hand and WILL go to bed drunk, day or night. He even brings his beer into the shower!
I've threatened to leave many times in the past, and he's been to rehab twice, both failed, obviously. I've done Al Anon, individual counseling, etc. Professionals have told me over and over that I should leave. Why haven't I?
I needed help with the kids, for one, and in spite of it all he IS a good father. Besides, they're all pretty much grown now, so that ship has sailed. Another reason? He's a good person, beneath it all, and I have terrible guilt about 'bailing' on him. He helps around the house and in many ways is an ideal husband, probably a better spouse than I am since I've given up trying over the past few years.
I promised myself long ago that I'd leave once the kids were independent, and have only been marking time for the past few years. This has had an unexpected result. Once I stopped asking him to conduct himself a certain way, stopped hoping for normal companionship, etc., he's never been happier and there are no more fights! He takes my silence as meaning that things are fine and I feel terrible knowing he'll be blindsided when I tell him I want a divorce. Heck, at times I've fooled myself into believing that our marriage is okay... until I see the affection and friendship between other couples and could cry with envy.
I've made an appointment to see a counselor (alone, he swore he'd never see a marriage counselor and I'm not about to try again at theis point). I'm hoping to find the courage to do what I know I need to do, and looking forward to some new perspectives. Thanks for reading.