Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
Hello everyone. I need some advice. I am 38, have been happily married for 14 years, two sons ages 12 and 8.
I smoked pot before we got married but quit and haven't smoked until about a year ago. I kept it from my husband because I wasn't sure how he would feel about it. A little background...my husband coaches my sons in baseball and it has totally changed our way of life. When my older son was 6 my husband started coaching. It's very time consuming, especially when you have two boys playing. It becomes a nightly thing. We grew distant during this time and my husband treated me differently, probably from the stress of working and trying to coach. I have talked to him about it numberous times but he continued to do it. I do not begrudge him or my sons the experience they share. But I feel a little left out.
Recently my husband found my bowl and since then all hell has broken loose. I feel as though he's trying to act like my father instead of my husband. I enjoy smoking occasionally and do not have an addiction. I could quit at any time but feel like if I do it's because HE wants me to. It's become a control issue.
well it's not only about what he thinks it's also about your sons! Do you REALLY want your sons to "accidentally" find out their mom is a pothead? how can you honestly look at them and tell them NOT to indulge but you do it?
Well, first of all I'm not a "pothead". I would never do it around my children and my husband knows that. And feelings about marijuana are different...some people think it's horrible, others (like me) feel it's no worse, sometimes even better than alcohol or antianxiety meds such as xanax. But that's a whole different subject.
I think what I'm wanting more than anything is for my husband to actually listen to my side instead of being such a dictator.
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Re: I like pot, my husband wants me to quit
Quote:
Originally Posted by ktaylor
I would never do it around my children and my husband knows that. And feelings about marijuana are different
No certainly not do it in front you your kids but there is a possibility that they may find it and you'll need to be prepared as to how you address it with them and its effect on their opinion of you. Many do think differently about it but likely the practice is illegal where you live. A second consideration would be that if you were arrested what is the impact on your kids and husband when it is made public record. Your kids may get ridden about mom being a "pothead". Not calling you one but that's what will happen. I would also expect your husbands days as a little league coach would be over. Parents wouldn't want their kids associating with "those kinds" of people and the league might pull his license.
Sorry to hear of your husband's dictatorship but in the end I believe he is right to want you to stop..
well i can understand you wanting your H to listen to you but if you doing the pot just for attention you are definitely going about it the wrong way. Plus I did not say you do it in front of your kids, but consider you did not expect your H to find out what makes you think your kids could not?
I'm going to agree with dblkman on this one. Pot is illegal--alcohol and Xanax usually aren't illegal. Let this little secret get out (and it will) and your husband won't be coaching anymore.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ktaylor
I enjoy smoking occasionally and do not have an addiction. I could quit at any time but feel like if I do it's because HE wants me to. It's become a control issue.
Huh? Sounds like you are hooked to me. It's more important to smoke pot than have a harmonious relationship with your family.
He doesn't need a license to coach little league...and there are much worse examples of character in the league than a team mom who smokes a little week to relax. MUCH worse.
I just feel like he's trying to control me and THAT is the actual issue.
Its not about control. Would he be ok with cigarettes? Some people have big NO - NO's on who they want to be in a relationship with. My husband would never have dated a smoker. Is it so wrong that he doesn't want his wife doing something illegal. It doesn't matter your feelings on wether pot is good or bad - its the fact that you are teaching your children that if you don't agree with a law then it means you don't have to follow it. How would it feel if it was a rule about their curfew - they don't agree with the rule that they should be home by 11 so they stay out. You've shown them that is acceptable by smoking pot.
Get over wether or not YOU think it is controlling and swap your relaxation tool - get a glass of wine and hop in the bubble bath.
He doesn't need a license to coach little league...and there are much worse examples of character in the league than a team mom who smokes a little week to relax. MUCH worse.
I just feel like he's trying to control me and THAT is the actual issue.
ktaylor, but if he's found out to be coaching, that doesn't carry a social stigma, pot does. I agree with you, Pot should be legal, it's retarded it's not. BUT, it is currently illegal and can cause many problems socially and with the law. It's sad its more socially acceptable to be a domestic abuser then it is to smoke pot. But, that is the society we live in and the rules we do have to follow.
Is smoking worth all of possible pain it could cause to you and your family?
I am guessing since you did this before kids that your H isn't really upset about the pot. I think he is probably upset about you lying to him. That shot all the trust down that he has in you. I am guessing he has no faith in your relationship just from the lying, not necessarily the pot.
I am also gonna guess that since he was pissed when he found out, you immediately got defensive. (naturally you felt attacked) That really will screw up your communication. I know you want him to hear YOU, but you also have to hear HIM. So let him tell you what he wants to say, and then say okay now your turn to listen. Sit down a time where the kids are asleep or gone and make a deal that if yelling starts you stop talking for 10 minutes until you can talk calmly.
I appreciate all of the advice. I know I'm probably making more of the issue than I should, but I really don't like being told what to do. And we have discussed it to no end, and I'm ready to give it up. I just feel like I'm going to resent the fact that he has absolutely not consideration for my feelings on the issue.
I can understand not having your feelings considered, but if you look at it from him eyes, his weren't either. You just started doing it. Would you be okay if he had an affair for years and you didn't know until you stumbled upon something that clued you in? Probably not. Secrets are secrets no matter how you put it.
Most potheads think as you do, that it is a harmless thing--yet instinctively know they have to be secretive about their usage around family members.
It's that part of you that knows it is wrong to do it, that makes you be secretive.
A lot of employers test of marijuana, so you if you need a job, this could be an issue.
Another issue, the arrest risk is another. the expense of pot too. It's not cheap.
Yet another consideration. If you are buying pot from a dealer, you are associating with criminals who are just a couple of people away from organized crime--south american cartels are killers. You like putting money in their pocket? That is what you are doing.
Stop smoking pot. You will lose your marriage over this. and the respect and admiration of your children. Is it worth it?
Let me put it to you from another perspective - my husband loves to smoke pot, it's been a part of his life since student days and he'd happily be smoking every day right now, if he had the choice. While he chose to get stoned, it had an impact on every single aspect of our relationship. I felt he was dis regarding my feelings and it certainly dampened our sex life.
However, he is a husband and a father. He needs to set a good example to our baby daughter, and to STOP doing something which is illegal. For now, he's taken this on board, and I think you should too. Your family should come first, not your selfish need for a J.
I like pot, my husband wants me to quit 
