andromeda

My sister is in the process of possibly ending her 8 year marriage. They have a 4 year old son and she runs a licensed daycare out of their home. They have no money saved and only 1 running car that's on it's last legs. I live about 13 hrs away in a different state.

To start: her dh has had issues with sex since they started dating. After they married(after attending church and seeming to get his head out of his rear) he quit his job 3 days after they tied the knot. Then he spent most of her hard earned money at strip clubs. Eventually, this stopped. He finally got a job 10 months later but then she got relocated to another city and he took another 9 months to find a job.

Fast forward to this past year: Last year my sister was ill, she had dwindled to 110 pounds, she was having dizzy spells, hot flashes, energy issues, weight loss, stomach pain, vomiting, etc. 2 docs told her it was her body reacting to a virus she had gotten and that her immune system was still trying to expel the virus even though she wasn't actually sick. Anyway, her dh felt neglected and he resented the fact that she asked him to pitch in around the house more and take care of their son, etc. He is the laziest person I know, aside from our father(but that's another story).

So, he feels neglected and turns to the chat rooms on World of Warcraft. He was a self proclaimed gamer and my sister believed he was addicted to the internet. He met a few women on the WoW site and started having a cyber affair with one of them to the point that this woman almost flew up to visit him. He told my sis in January 2010 that he wanted a divorce, that he thinks he loves this woman, and that he doesn't love sis anymore but that he'd be willing to go to counseling. He ended his affair and things seemed fixed and went smoothly for a few months.

But, in the past month or so, he has been doing behaviors that make my sis think that this marriage may not be able to be saved. He had taken out ads on craigslist looking for a 'domineering woman' and claiming to be single. He joined a website that does virtual 3D chat and it has many sex rooms and strip clubs, etc. He at one point told my sister all his fantasies like wanting an open marriage and wanting her to participate in a 3some, etc. He told her the other night that if she won't allow him to have his online cyber relationships that he will just go out and do it in real life. He spends HOURS a day on this website. He even accesses it from his Iphone at work and will be on chatting with his online girlfriend all day. He stays up until 4 AM and then gets 2 hrs sleep only to do it all over again the next day.

The worst part is that he stayed home one day this past week because of lack of sleep and my sis had the daycare kids there. She walked into their bedroom where he was on the website and his character was sitting in a chair with his girlfriend character on his lap and they were stroking eachother, etc. If that had been a daycare child who walked in the room, he would have been in serious trouble. She has also caught him looking at porn while working at home and while the daycare children were there. Again, there is no discretion. This guy thinks there's nothing wrong with his behavior. He told my sis that she needs to go to counseling for her anger issues and that he doesn't have a problem. What do you guys think?

michzz

throw him out. he's not worth it.
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827Aug

This one is easy! She needs to get a divorce and I'm sure her anger issues will go away. There are times where money spent on counseling would be better spent on a divorce lawyer. And this is one of those times....

Blanca

I dont think anyone would recommend she stay with him. But at the same time, healthy people do not attract unhealthy people. Whatever his issues are, your sisters issues are comparably dysfunctional. its good that she doesnt want to deal with this anymore, and standing up for herself is a good start, but she should get some individual counseling so she doesnt attract the same nut in a different shell.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

andromeda

Blanca, you're right, my sis has some issues too. She has already made a counseling appointment for herself and is in contact with a lawyer. She's already accepted the fact that they will lose their house and probably will have to claim bankruptcy but she's willing to do anything now to get away from this guy.

The other day he left to go for a drive and he left his computer up(with the strip club running on the chat site) and my sis went to use the bathroom, not realizing that he left the website up. She came out of her master bath to see her 4 year old sitting in her dh's chair and watching this strip club scene. She was horrified and angry at herself for not noticing that he left the website up. I told her that I would have left that night (after he brought home the car).

unbelievable

A character on a screen sitting in a chair, stroking another character on a screen? Do whaaaaat? Guess I'm old fashioned, but I don't see the attraction, especially when there's a perfectly functional flesh and blood partner in the area. These are like, avatars or cartoon characters?

Cara

This guy has gotta go.

andromeda

Yes, they are 3D avatars. You can go into private chats with characters and get lap dances, etc. The big problem here is that he now has contact with some of these people in real life: texting, phoning, etc. It's crazy and he wonders why my sister is upset when he sent 250 text messages to this woman he met online? He has told my sis that face to face relationships scare him. He's been going out drinking and smoking just because he's trying to find himself. Last night he called my sister(he's out of town visiting family) and says to her, "Please talk me out of visiting this strip club." So, she told him a reason not to go (she told him she'd beat the crap out of him, LOL, when he got home) and he got all mad at her and blamed her for his problems again, etc. He calls her and tells her about how he could have picked up a woman at a bar the other night but he didn't because he loves her(my sis), but he could have. OI: the guy is messed up!

niceGuybutAddicted

Read my post my husband is addicted to live porn. HELP!!!!
This gives you idea why he is addicted to cybersex.
I think he is beyond the point of rescue. So yes, let your sister divorce him

cmsaint

go to safe access internet navigation technology and download the pornography filter and they will be no more issues with porn on the computer. We must protect our children most of all.