Does my husband have the problem or do I?
My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have 3 daughters (11-15 yrs old). We were both quite young when we started dating an never thought twice about how much he drank at that time. We were young and that was what being in your late teens early 20s was all about. However, after 3 kids and 20+ years later one would assume he would grow up. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful man. Everyone loves him. He is very helpful, funny, loving, a hard worker, amazing sense of humor, smart, athletic, level headed. However, he has in the last 16 years received 3 drunk driving tickets (the last one about 6 years ago), always the result of drinking to get drunk where sporting events are involved. Honestly, he should of been pulled over dozens of times for drunk driving because those three times were not his only times he has gotten behind the wheel after many drinks. The one thing he has learned from all the dwi's is not be the one driving if they are going to a baseball/football game or attending a golf tournament. However, the person that is driving, has also been drinking. He tells me that they are using 'designated drivers' yet I do not fully believe these people he hangs out with have it in them NOT to drink.
A little background on me...I am not a big drinker, never have been. I can make a bottle of wine last 3 months. If I am out socially and people are having drinks, if I have more then 1 drink, as soon as I start to feel any affects from the alcohol, I stop. My grandmother was an alcoholic and I feared ever living the life around someone with alcohol problems. Yet here I find myself with one. My husband has made great strides in how he used to drink and for that I am thankful. However, I still have big issues with how he is unable to control his drinking around specific friends of his. these 'friends' are all (in my mind) loosers. They are in their 40's, no responsibilities outside of work, no wife, children, girlfriends, only work and beer. After my husbands 3rd dwi we talked about how the only way he was going to stay on track is to loose those friendships. I even emailed those two guys and said if they were real friends to him, they would leave him alone. I told them that they all have alcohol problems and that they really need to leave my husband alone because their involvment is ruining our marriage. My husband can be a very responsible drinker. He is able to stop at 2 beers around other people. However, he has been continually bringing beer into our house (2 cases as a time of which I do not have any). He is not getting drunk at our home but I do not see how it is ok to be going through 2-4 cases of beer in a month.
so my question is, am I holding on to paranoia of things turning to straight up alcoholism and putting too much pressure on my husband to be different, or does my husband have an abuse problem? I have tried so many tactics to get it through to him about how I feel. I have cried, yelled, talked calmly, written letters. I have told him how I fear getting a knock on the door to find a cop say he is in critical condition or dead. I tell him I need to know where the life insurance policies are. I suggested to my girls that they write him letters about how his drinking affects them.
i should probably say that just this last Saturday, he went to a football game, tailgated beforehand, saw the game which got over at 3pm, the partied until 7pm. He came home obviously drunk. Not mean drunk, just dancing and being stupid. My 15year old was digusted. She told me how he couldnt turn on the radio (i was avoiding him by staying in my bedroom), couldnt focus on a cheesespread container to open it up, couldnt remember what she had just told him etc. Thats not the worst. I had put his pillow in the hallway and locked my bedroom door because I refused to sleep next to a drunk person. He spent over 1 hour trying to unlock our door!! This is the easy kind of lock too...the kind you just pop a straight pin in and it unlocks. He ended up banging on the door, saying he was sleeping in there. I told him no. He said he was trying to unlock the door. I told him I knew that. He said I couldnt unlock it either if I tried. So I showed him, wham bam, it was open.He stood in shock. I told him 'that is how drunk you are!!!'. He grabbed his pillow and shouted 'f*** You!! F**** YOu!!!
Ok...advice please. What can I do to make him see that the amount he is drinking is not ok.