Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
I'm married for almost 10 years, and love my wife and our little 7 month old daughter dearly. I'm crazy about them. They're my world!!!
I don't know how to start though, but things are really bad right now.
I'm a porn addict, and a pervert. It started a while back, so that just makes things so much worse.
I got addicted to porn as a child, and maybe that's why I always found it normal (I'm wrong), so when my wife found out what I was doing shortly after marriage ... I figured she was being harsh ... and started viewing in secrecy.
She found out, was hurt ... we talked ... but I always felt that it was no big deal and thus it became a cycle. A horrid cycle that just wont stop.
Then I had to leave ... due to work.
We started getting intimate online. She joined me more than 6 months later. But during her absence, I got caught up in fantasy ... and when we were finally together ... I was still in this mode ... and haven't snapped out.
After all that fantasizing ... she arrived and had great expectations. But those months in a hostile environment left me stressed ... a dead duck ... and dreaded intimacy ... for the fear of falling short ...
I rejected advances, confusing her. I turned to porn ... it got worse ... and the cycle always went on ... hurting her more each time.
Ending up in perverse behavior. Thing is ... I felt that as it was fantasy ... an as long as she didn't know ... it wouldn't hurt.
When she found out, I couldn't believe how much I had hurt her. She gave me an ultimatum to see a Doc. Which I did.
It was good, we decided to get pregnant.
But things were not good ... I got stressed due to financial issues ... and went back to my bad old ways.
She found out, and was devastated! IS devastated!!!
Now our little baby girl is here, and she says that she doesn't love me anymore.
And I'm awfully sorry ... but that word just seems so small ... and I don't know what to do ...
My lies and deceit cost me. It hurts knowing what that my actions, makes her feel so bad. I cause so much pain ... and regret that ... I regret it each and every passing minute of the day ...
I am sorry, and want to make things good. I want to make them both as happy, as they make me ...
r u a pervert, just in the sense you like porn - or does the pervert bit go deeper. because if your a porn addict - i dont see it in that sense as your a pervert.
i love watching porn with and without my hubby - so am i a pervert.my answer has to be no. but im not an addict.
the trouble with the fantasy , its not the real world and like you say when your actually comfronted with it in the flesh u back of.
when my hubby and i split. i knew a bloke through a friend and we had txt sex. god it was fantastic. and yes i had fantasy fun.
but when i saw him again, despite all we said. the thought of doing the actual event with him was well a "no, no thankyou".
i do feel for you. your addiction is not an easy one. but neither is giving up smoking or being an alcoholic.
you have already started the process of giving in to your addiction, you admit it. you are a porn addict. well done.
i personally can put up with n e thing in moderation. but its to much to cope with for the person who doesnt have the addiction, if n e thing taken in excess.
keep the communication channels open with you wife.
but either way you really do need to atleast change yourself and reduce your addiction to a satisfactory level, that could be enjoyed by both of you.
I'm guessing that because you specifically separated the porn addiction from your 'perverted' addiction that you have gotten into something that you need some serious counseling for. Unfortunately porn can become a 'gate-way' drug for more serious offenses. I do not think your wives love is the most pressing matter. You need to get help.
I think that because you are here on this site expressing your true inner feelings that you are indeed looking for a new way and I do also belive that you should let her read your words that you have wrote down GOOD Luck!
That is so hard! I feel for both of you. We did have some success with a teenage son using hypnotherapy. You might try that if you can find a good therapist.
Sorry for not getting back any sooner ... just been working hard.
My perverted behavior is a separate issue.
I removed all respect, trust and sensitivity from the most important relationship in my life ... the one with my wife.
I've found out what that does and what it leads to ... and I feel the the results thereof ... it's hard when nobody believes in you ... but that's the result my own doing.
I've learned about the costs involved ... in terms of pain.
I have to be a better person, especially through tough times.
That's when we're supposed to be there for the ones we love, not when we let them down.
That's the time when we have to be most grateful, and have to remember why so ... and not to go off in some direction in which there is simply just no good.
I love my wife and daughter, I love my girls ... and will just have to take it as it comes now ... and keep on loving them.
I feel prepared ... much better prepared for whatever lies ahead.
I know what has to be done, and I'm willing to see it through ...
... and that's partly thanks ... to each and every single one ... of you!!!
I think you have already taken the first step to fixing the problem and that is you admited it! Congrats you are well on your way. The next step is to try and prevent the problem. Get rid of all the porn you have. If you are looking it up online then put a porn block on your computer and let your wife be the only one that knows the password. This will be a short term fix though. Once you have those things in place start working on finding out what makes you want to watch porn. Is it just the suspense that it is not your wife and you have the adrenaline of keeping something secret from her, or is it your love for watching sex. Maybe even both. Once you have realized what makes you addicted to porn. You can start to think of things on your own that would make you want to stop. You could super glue a picture of your wife and daughter to your computer and tv. That way everytime you look at the screen you would see what you are hurting and hopefully realize they are more important. As far as your wife saying she doesn't love you anymore, you need to work on making her fall in love with you all over again. Do nice things for her and make her feel like she is an important part of your life.
Take care of yourself and things will get better. This behavior has cost you dearly. Remember your pain in this the next time you are tempted. Use this unfortunate experience to make you a better man in the end.
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
The thing is, that I feel unable to focus. I don't get headaches, and have been healthy ... but now I feel heavy in the head ... and physically weak.
It's Sara's 1st birthday ... for her mom to be happy ... I have to be gone.
Her grandparents were over earlier, the nanny is there ... and I'm so close to tears that I can hardly look my little daughter in the eye.
Could hardly sing happy birthday. I didn't do it right ... it's her day.
I have to work, but have no focus. Haven't been off sick from 98.
10 days vacation a year between 01-06 ... 5 summer 5 winter.
None for more than a year ... just a working guys ... will be to the day I die.
Hand my salary over to my wife, when I get home.
Don't smoke ... no alcohol ... no drugs ... but me and porn
I'm mulling ... sulking ... avoiding people ... but I'm the guy who always saw the brighter side of things ... because I had another shot with a wonderful woman.
My smiles gone. There is weired look on face ... there is something different in my eyes. I'm always joking at work.
But since yesterday, I'm ready to cry. I have cried ... have been crying. Woke up ready cry.
Been told that I'm loser for crying ... been told be a man for begging.
But that doesn't hurt ... losing my wife and daughter hurts.
Guys feel fury when they hear those words ... be a real man/you're a loser ... but I feel nothing ...
'I'll always love you. Forever' is what I say.
'If you ever think about changing your mind ... I'll be here.'
'There'll never be another ...'
'Please ...' ... never used that word so much.
I love her, I love them both so much ... but they'll never be happy around me.
I know that I have to shake my head, take a breath ... dig in ... be sharp ... be dutyful ...
But there's just no will ... there's no focus ... no spark ...
I can't now ...
I'm rambling ... I'm fumbling ... I'm here ... and I'm not.
okay, get yourself into anger management if you haven't done so yet. go, and keep going. porn, i don't know, get away from it. anything that feels like it. online erotic chat, all of it. pray to God for a miracle soften of your wifes heart. stay active as you can. upbeat, smiling attitude around her and you daughter ALL THE TIME. you will improve as a human. your relationship is not over til it's over. let me explain.
your wife has changed her mind once. think about this...she did say words to this effect when you got married: "for better, worse, richer, poorer...til death do you part." right? well she changed her mind, she decided it's not "til death." so now you have to do ALL the right things until she (hopefully) changes her mind. you guys are young, right. relationships in youth go through HUGE peaks and valleys. so maybe this is one of those valleys.
good luck.
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
'Guys feel fury when they hear those words ... be a real man /you're a loser ... but I feel nothing ...'
Thankfully I was not angry at what she said. I do know that I am responsible. She merely said those things due the fact that I put her into that situation ... she had to respond in the manner she did.
I was crazy a little earlier. I lost track. I thought about myself again... was being a selfish self pitying idiot.
I suppose I'm in for an emotional maze.
Perhaps I shouldn't hope for a miracle ... afterall my miracle would be her nightmare.
I just have to find a way to avoid the the self pity trap ... and keep working ...
I guess that I will have to learn to think about what is best for them and guard against feeling sorry for myself.
It isn't fair of me to through my 'I love you.!' , in her face. If I really do ... I'll have to keep it inside.
I'm sorry!!!
