My wife refuses to quit smoking
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Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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Old 10-15-2010, 09:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry My wife refuses to quit smoking

Hello... I'm new here and just seeking some good advice as I can't seem to wrap my head around what is going on in my marriage.

When my wife and I met we were both smokers. I had tried to quit off and on for several years, but it never really worked out. A few months into our engagement, I finally kicked the habit for good. My wife however, continued to smoke. We initially said that we wanted to quit before the wedding, so we had that as a goal. She promised she would quit before the wedding, for me and for herself. Leading up to the time she quit, it seemed like she smoked more and did so with a passion. I eventually brought up the idea of hypnotherapy. She seemed interested in it, started doing some research, and ended up with an appointment later in the week to get started with it. I asked how much the whole thing is and it's roughly $1000. At the time we were planning and paying for our own wedding, so that kind of money couldn't just be thrown around senselessly. I determined that financially we could absorb the hit, and in the long run the savings on cigarettes would more than make up for the cost. I gave her total control at that point. If she wanted to quit, and thought this program was the way to go, then she should go for it. Long story short, she did the hypnosis, and was smoke free just about three months, and promised to never smoke again. A month before, the month of and the month after our wedding. Now, less than 2 months into our marriage she is smoking again. She says cigarettes make her happy, that she won't quit and she isn't ready to quit. I have been smoke free for nearly a year now, and can no longer stand the smell or the taste of them. I feel like I can't kiss her, hug her or give her the love and affection she wants, and I so desperately crave. She acknowledges that her smoking is doing damage to our relationship, but again refuses to quit. I've come at her from every angle I can imagine. I lost my grandfather, who was really more a father, 3 years ago to lung cancer. So we've talked about that. We've talked about health, longevity, intimacy, financial... nothing hits home with her. I'm just at a total loss here. I feel like she is using this to manipulate me, or as a tool to sabotage our marriage. I just don't understand any person that sees the damage they're causing and continues to do it with a seemingly clear conscious. Man, I made a long story longer, just hoping someone out there might have something helpful to say. Thanks guys.
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Old 10-15-2010, 08:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking

Me and my wife both smoke, so I know what your going through...
Your wife states it makes her happy, yet at your expense...You both agreed to do something, one made it the other didnt...
Your wife made an effort though, but with the addiction, and everything else on her plate at the time it may have been to difficult to quit...
The stress of getting married, the added stress of quiting smoking was to much....

Everyone isn't the same, so addictions hit some harder than others...You admitted you tried several times before becoming successful, this should be a strong indication what your wife is going through..
Trust me, making her feel guilty will do nothing but cause resentment, frustration, lack of worthlessness...Sure we treat drug addicts like this, but not our wives.. If she was hooked on heroin, then you have more recourse to take Tough Love Action, but with smoking, which is bad doesn't need the constant reminder I quit, now you should do the same... Things don't work like that in real life.
Its true, addictions create denial, and this is what she is feeling every time she lights up... She gets more satisfaction smoking than she does being lectured...
Just be the example you are now, don't smoke, remind her she made an agreement to quit, but don't harp on it, just keep her thinking about the promise she made to stop, but couldn't, and now needs you to understand and wait...
I have learned for women at least, smoking is much more emotional, much more addicting... So, being in places that are smoke free will at least help her cut down...
If she says anything to the effect that she may have had less cigarettes today than yesterday, praise her! And mean it!
She knows she will have to stop someday, just try to be gentle...
Cigarettes are very addicting, so be prepared for many failures in marriage, but always be understanding, loving, caring, so they will soon see their ways and change them...
Try nicotine patches next time, or nicotine gum, tell her when she decides to do it, you will do additional help around the house, what nots... I hope I didn't ramble, I hope I made some sense...
The world is becoming a place that is rejecting smokers, so in reality its getting easier to quit..

Also, something that is new on the market, works great is the Electronic Cigarette, these things are just like the real thing, except with no harmful effects like smoke, but create a fake water vapor smoke that tricks the brain... You can use them in conjunction with patches just as long as she uses nicotine free fillers for the electronic cigarette.... They taste just like cigs, or you can get flavored, interesting fact is the ones near by cannot smell anything, no smoke taste, residue, its 100% safe... Go to Cigarette outlet or look them up on the Internet..
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Old 10-18-2010, 03:52 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking

Thanks man. I really appreciate your thoughts.
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Old 10-20-2010, 09:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking

I'm not a smoker, never have been. But my boyfriend does smoke, as do my parents, and my ex-husband. The one thing I've learned is that the more you push a smoker to quit, the more they will smoke. It's very addictive, and when stressed, a smoker turns to cigarettes to ease their stress. Pushing them to quit increases their stress.

I will fully support my boyfriend if he decides he wants to quit, but it has to be his idea.

I also know that getting married is incredibly stressful, so to me, that would be the worst time to try to quit smoking. Hence the failure at it. I would not push, I would not demand, but I would talk to her and ask her if she wants to quit. If she says she does, tell her you will support her 100% when she's ready. When she's ready, when she comes to you and tells you she wants to quit, then you can make suggestions such as the patch, the gun, or whatever.

Good luck!
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Old 10-20-2010, 04:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking

Try Chantrix, not cheap but lot less expensive over time than cigarettes. Nicotine is very hard to quit, it wasn't until my wife was scheduled for surgery and her dr told her no surgery unless she is nicotine free did she stop smoking.

My wife smoked until she was 57, Chantrix and nicotine patches allowed her to quit, mostly the Chantrix which needs a prescription. Some US employers will pay for it, your wife should check.

There is a company in New Zealand that sells nicotine patches at 1/2 the price of anything she was able to find in the US. They ship via air, the package arrives within a week. It might be
DISCOUNT Stop Smoking Products at Stop Smoking Shop

After stopping at the end of last December, she now hates the smell of cigarettes and is much more fun to kiss.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Geronimo View Post
Hello... I'm new here and just seeking some good advice as I can't seem to wrap my head around what is going on in my marriage.

When my wife and I met we were both smokers. I had tried to quit off and on for several years, but it never really worked out. A few months into our engagement, I finally kicked the habit for good. My wife however, continued to smoke. We initially said that we wanted to quit before the wedding, so we had that as a goal. She promised she would quit before the wedding, for me and for herself. Leading up to the time she quit, it seemed like she smoked more and did so with a passion. I eventually brought up the idea of hypnotherapy. She seemed interested in it, started doing some research, and ended up with an appointment later in the week to get started with it. I asked how much the whole thing is and it's roughly $1000. At the time we were planning and paying for our own wedding, so that kind of money couldn't just be thrown around senselessly. I determined that financially we could absorb the hit, and in the long run the savings on cigarettes would more than make up for the cost. I gave her total control at that point. If she wanted to quit, and thought this program was the way to go, then she should go for it. Long story short, she did the hypnosis, and was smoke free just about three months, and promised to never smoke again. A month before, the month of and the month after our wedding. Now, less than 2 months into our marriage she is smoking again. She says cigarettes make her happy, that she won't quit and she isn't ready to quit. I have been smoke free for nearly a year now, and can no longer stand the smell or the taste of them. I feel like I can't kiss her, hug her or give her the love and affection she wants, and I so desperately crave. She acknowledges that her smoking is doing damage to our relationship, but again refuses to quit. I've come at her from every angle I can imagine. I lost my grandfather, who was really more a father, 3 years ago to lung cancer. So we've talked about that. We've talked about health, longevity, intimacy, financial... nothing hits home with her. I'm just at a total loss here. I feel like she is using this to manipulate me, or as a tool to sabotage our marriage. I just don't understand any person that sees the damage they're causing and continues to do it with a seemingly clear conscious. Man, I made a long story longer, just hoping someone out there might have something helpful to say. Thanks guys.
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Old 10-30-2010, 02:42 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking

Buy her Alan Carr's easy way to stop smoking...but she also has to be ready to quit I think. I have a similar situation, my husband and I both smoked when we met and then we both quit together using this book. 5 years later (2 into our marriage) he lapsed, this book is all about following rules, simple rules I might add and he choose not to. The last year has been made up of arguments about it and a whole motherload of lies that are completely ruining us. "It is how I handle stress", well how about you grow up and handle stress like a big boy, but more importantly does that cigarette eliminate whatever is stressing you, yah I am pretty sure there will be a big fat no to that one so he continues to be stressed and on top of it destroys trust in our relationship putting our family life (we have 2 kids) in jeopardy, my attraction to him and puts his health at risk not thinking about anyone but himself. Sorry can you tell I am a little annoyed by him right now. Anyways I get where you are coming from, I hope you are able to make some steps forward with her...try the book, I loved it.
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Old 12-06-2010, 06:33 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking

Mine on the other hand lies continously about it. I have never smoked and she lied to me when i had asked her when we met about it...the lies are in the form (yes i have quit..but i am like why do i smell smoke). And then she expects me to kiss her. So she feels that lying will get her a kiss, because telling the truth punishes her?

The tactic i use is not to continously nag her about it. Here and there...she obviously must want to quit...and not do it for you. It's a very rough road and Geronimo i understand what you are going through.

e
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