Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
no,no, no, i dont think of this as couseling, i think of it as advice, a different perspective. i am soaking it all in and really thinking about it. true niceguybutaddicted has an addiction of his own to deal, but what i think is great is how he lets me know in details what it's like on the inside. i visualize and think, this is what my man is looking at, i get a better idea of how seriouse it is. i know its an addiction, i treat it like one. i had an addiction for 9 years with alcohol and your right, i can never step foot in a bar again, but what my problem is, is he refuses to talk about it at all, i just want to be there for him, help him like he helped me, but he wont let me. he tells me not to be jealous over a computer, that maybe i dont have any self esteem. absolutley not the case. livejasmin is not gonna bare your kids. awhile back my man bought me a wedding ring, never asked me to marry but still put a ring on it. being though im female and we tend to get carried away, i just assumed he was proposing. silly me. well just recently, i've been like why do i wear the engagement ring and wedding ring, im not married, so i took off the wedding one and left on the engagement ring. he noticed last night i was only wearing the one, he got really upset, it was a big ol' thing. says he's not getting married for a long time to stop pushing him. he's the one who brought it up. he goes to bed. gets up at about 10:30 pm and leaves. this is the secong night he's done that. he used to do it before, but now he's doing it again. he takes his car keys with him to work when he drives the truck. i know he's hiding something. maybe i'm loving him too hard. yes i am strong, and independent. i know i dont have to put up with it belive me, i'm not gonna just let him walk all over me cause he holds all the cards. nope that's not in my genes. i do however love the hell out of him and not ready to let go yet. to answer your question i never see him typing just laid back in the computer chair, **** in hand, staring intensively.
he is turning the tables on me. you see i did tell him that i dont care if he looks at porn, but when it's taking away from our time together, thats when i get mad. for instance, occassionally he gets weekends off, i dont really get to see him, one weekend he spent all day on "the red page" till it became night time. it was a saturday and we always have movie day together. i got fed up when it was 9 o'clock at night and i walked into the kitchen, he was on "the red page". i told him why dont you come watch a movie with me. he said i'm busy. i said, oh i see, you'd rather be with the computer then me. alright then, i told him, sorry to interupt(sarcastically). he told me i was irritating him, the reason he said this was because every time he got on the computer i went in there. he did come lay down, but he went right to sleep.
Hi mommamia123, Hi Mommy22
Sorry, I've been away for a while. I actually went on a vacation with my girl for almost a week. Went to all kinds of attractions, cooked together, did all kinds of stuff together, was awesome.
I discovered how caring and nice she is just by spending time together. All this was great. But.. we tried having sex often and I discovered a sad thing -- she doesn't turn me on as much as porn. Sad, right?
I don't know what to do about it. I guess if I stop looking at (all kinds ) of women (I have not done liveporn for almost a week now btw) I should develop enough sexual drive for just one girl right?
You see mommamia, I'm asking myself this question, but that's what your guy has to deal with too. I'm sure your hot, but after having cybersex with red page girls for this long, he is not satisfied with just you.
Mommy22 is right he has to stop liveporn completely. Let's be realistic though. In our age and time you can't stop doing all porn once and for all. It's admirable, but probably that's too much to ask. But if you do porn (I mean conventional one -- pictures or some movies) either do it together or limit the activity to bare minimum when you do it alone.
mommamia, I wonder if your boyfriend realizes that he has a problem. I do now. I have a huge problem. And I commit to do something to fix it. I know I will fail sometimes, but seriously, it's embarrassing and sad when you can't come for a girl who you know loves you much. I need to change that.
Mommy22 suggested counseling and I support that except I don't see easy way for you to talk him into this or come up with the money to pay for it. Or maybe you should let him read this thread so he can tell he needs to stop abusing his mind and neglecting you.
Cheers
He is using the 'addiction' word imo, so that he can wash his hands of any responsibility....sorry honey, Im addicted. I cant have sex with you, im too busy watching these hot chicks.'
anyone can do that with just about anything in their life, name something an addiction, then you get to hold on to basic good person status who is unfortunate enough to have an addiction.
I do bleieve in addictions, alcohol, and drugs chemically addict you.
but people take the word too far as license to get off doing what they want to and CHOOSE to do
even if it was an 'addiction', the thing is he is not even feeling sorry about it or showing any sign of wanting to stop. He is basically saying 'screw you' and abandoning you while he spends hours in there, even that movie night thing- NO WAY, NO CAN DO would be my mantra
he is basically choosing those girls over you.
Run, fast and far away
its pretty heartbreaking that you took the time to tape yourself on the phone and he doesnt even look at it.
honey I will say it one more time,
RUN!!!
He is using the 'addiction' word imo, so that he can wash his hands of any responsibility....sorry honey, Im addicted. I cant have sex with you, im too busy watching these hot chicks.'
anyone can do that with just about anything in their life, name something an addiction, then you get to hold on to basic good person status who is unfortunate enough to have an addiction.
I do bleieve in addictions, alcohol, and drugs chemically addict you.
but people take the word too far as license to get off doing what they want to and CHOOSE to do
even if it was an 'addiction', the thing is he is not even feeling sorry about it or showing any sign of wanting to stop. He is basically saying 'screw you' and abandoning you while he spends hours in there, even that movie night thing- NO WAY, NO CAN DO would be my mantra
he is basically choosing those girls over you.
Run, fast and far away
its pretty heartbreaking that you took the time to tape yourself on the phone and he doesnt even look at it.
honey I will say it one more time,
RUN!!!
laelsmom did you read momamia's all previous posts? She can't run just like that. Not right away. With past history of living on streets, alcohol addictions, probably no college education or job experience, with depending on her boyfriend financially completely (receiving $100 allowance a week)..Can she just walk away now and be able provide for herself? Or will she end up on the streets again. I'm afraid latter may happen. Plus she says she loves that guy for all good he had done to her, despite all that porn..That makes it complicated. Sure the situation has to be resolved. I'd say give it a more aggressive try, try "knocking him into senses" by talking more, possibly involving 3rd person in some counseling, and if he persists.. at least she needs a plan --financial and emotional resources -- to walk out of this relationship and have a better future than the present or past.
Thank you mommy22 for encouragement,
I'll try my best.
It's hard. I've read one quote somewhere, can't remember exact words but along the lines of "Self-satisfaction is an empty experience, but as for an empty experience it's a pretty good one"
This is gonna be honest, I would not say this in front of any one in real.
There are two things in sexual experience -- the gratification of sex itself and the emotional connection with the person. You are right, you can't have a real emotional connection with porn, so it's ultimately unfulfilling. However as for sexual gratification porn is STRONG. Once you had experienced the high from porn it's not easily forgettable. The researchers say that the gratification from porn when taken the brain scans of the users is stronger than of cocaine users. The analogy with alcohol is not valid in my opinion, alcohol makes you relax and forget but it's not euphoric. Porn and drugs is a more fair comparison in my opinion. Porn is also easier to consume than alcohol, quicker and definitely more discrete.
So I'm just saying it's hard. I wish they never had invented internet
Thank you for your encouragement though, I appreciate.
I'm back. My man has had a couple of days off from work. We have had the best couple of days. It has been all about us. Great sex, great foreplay. Just geat. It's kinda scary. For thesse past couple of days, he has been real discrete with the whole "red page". I know he still gets up and gets on it in the mornings cause i check his history, but usually he'll be on there in the day time all day. I don't know what's going on or how long it will last, but I hope it stays this way atleast till after the holidays. I have a habit of holding a grude and I don't want to be the grinch this year. Hey niceguybutaddicted, I am so glad to hear that you actually enjoyed yourself. Kinda made you realize what you have huh? Atleast your willing to try. That's the first step, admitting you have a problem. I would really love to see you through this. Stay off there, she loves you. Try somethin new. It'll all come back to you. you have to distinguish reality from virtuality. You just have them backwards cause you spend so much time there. there are so many more things you can experience in reality then you can in virtuality, you just have to be creative and use your imagination. Now if I could just get my man to tell the difference, my life would be perfect. If my man ever knew I discussed my business in the open with you guys, he would for sure leave me. He despises me telling my business to my best friend and she's the only one I have to talk to (besides you guys). When the time comes, I will remember everything we have discussed throughout these posts and use it to my advantage. That's why I am so greatful for you guys, I'm not alone and not in the dark. Thank you
mommamia,
Great to hear that! Appreciate good words from you, yes I want to stay off the liveporn and I'm doing good, I go check on the girls I've befriended and decline talking to them much. Yet I can't make myself break on them completely as it feels like a friendship already. But eventually it will work out i know. Good luck to you. Don't worry that he finds out, if you don't show him this forum he won't know. And if he finds out it's still anonymous for you and him so it's not like anyone knows him in person. And yes, I'd like to see you through your situation too.
Take care, and good luck!! Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Holidays!
Let's be realistic though. In our age and time you can't stop doing all porn once and for all. It's admirable, but probably that's too much to ask.
Its not too much niceguy. It might feel that way right now, but my H has stopped all porn. everything. we dont even see suggestive movies. We dont own a tv. we dont watch tv shows. He's only slipped up once in a couple years, and even then he didnt really look at the site. He wont get a phone that he cant get a site blocker on. that's why he doesnt have a droid. he'll get an iphone because it has a program that effectively blocks all porn. everything. not even a suggestive picture shows up.
but to do what it takes to quit you have to really want it, for yourself. Not for someone else. not because you cant get it up for a 'real' girl, not because someone else tells you you're missing out, and not because you feel guilty at times. you'll have to find out why its worth it for you to quit. Right now, its not worth it for you. I only hope you are honest with your girlfriend about your addiction. If not, well, because im working on curbing my temper towards people like that, i cant say what i think.
I come here when I want to vent, and that's exactly what I need to do right now. I knew it was to good to be true. My man is back at it again and this time I think it's more serious. I always check his browser history and for the past two days I've been seeing the same dating sites in there. As if he were looking for love else where, then also for two days now I've been seeing girls names and when I click on the site, it's the girls contact info and confirmation number, it even lets you send them flowers. Both days I seen one girls name twice, like he keeps going back to her. Now I know livejasmin he'll never meet those girls, but dating websites, I think it's gone too far. Now I'm mad and now I'm gonna say somethin. In the end it's him we are gonna feel sorry for. My name is Jeanne, now do ya'll remember when Hurricane Jeanne hit Mexico, well it's gonna happen again.(and I mean Mexico as if it were his world). His favorite kind of girl is latinas. That's all he looks at, when he first met me he thought I was latina. I could pass for latina I get that alot but I am a mixture of black and portuguese. The girls he was looking at were not even cute. This sucks, it's the holidays, I just put up my x-mas tree, and I feel like something really bad is gonna happen. I don't know how much more I can take. I've been known to snap, crackle, and pop.
Jeanna,
we are here to listen and sympathize with you. Yes you are right you will need to talk this over with him. But.. don't make careless decisions.. just saying. I'm sure many people have been in similar situation to yours and someone can identify and help you and tell how to get from this point in life to a better future.
Its just too sad that we even have this thread. While porn has always been available and prevelant in our society, the availability of it 24/7 on the internet has really pushed boundaries and caused a lot of heartache and sadness for spouses of both sexes.
While you can say all day long - they would have done it anyway without the internet, BS - going to the store and buying a sex mag every week or so or wandering into a strip club on the weekends - not something most people have the time or inclination to do every day - but, with the internet, you don't even have to get dressed or comb your hair and you can jump on any porn site at anytime and get your jollies off and ignore and reject the one person who is available, willing and your biggest cheerleader. WTF?
And I get sick and tired of hearing about the primal urges of a man, his need for visual stimulation, etc. We all have choices, regardless of WHO we are and those excuses are cop-outs.
A solution for all - if you want to look at porn and do all your sexual activities on-line or in on-line fantasies - then stay single - this way no one get hurts, rejected, feels unloved, etc. And then you can do what you want. If your spouse is withholding from you - then get divorced. Why do we continue to get married or put ourselves into relationships where we continually hurt those we profess to love?
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Re: my husband is addicted to live porn. HELP!!!! 
