sdonohoo

For several years now I have been addicted to meth and have gotten into the habit of lying to her because of it. We seperated about 4 months ago and I have not used since. I am very serious about not using anymore and have made a huge turn around in my life but she has serious trust issues with me. I have given her some things that I could do to prove to her where I am at at any given time so that she can start to trust me when I tell her things but she refuses to do them. She says she wants to work things out but it doesn't seem like she does. I offered to take a picture of myself wherever I am at any time she ask so she knows where I am. I offered to get the tracking program through cell phone so that she could locate me by GPS at anytime through my phone. She will not do any of it. How am I supposed to prove anything to her when she is not willing to even try and trust me. She is still accusing me of using all the time and thinks I am lying about everything. What can I do. Please help me...I do not want my marriage to be over. I love my wife very much.

MRB

I stopped using meth 8 years ago. I haven't craved it or done it since. But I was an addict for several years on & off with my last run lasting over a year straight and landing me in jail for a couple weeks. That sobered me up...
Anyways, during that time I hurt people badly. My mom is still angry over what I did. It hurts people to the core and sometimes they forgive but they never forget.

Your wife may very well be done with you. 4 months is a great amount of time, good job! But to her it may be just another opportunity for her to be let down AGAIN.

Continue to stay sober and let her know your progress every day. She may come around and accept the GPS etc that you are offering her.

I don't know exactly what you do while you were using but you probably weren't that pleasant of a person. She has to come to terms with that and figure out if she can continue with you and not be resentful.

I'm here if you need to talk about it. I am going through drug issues too but I'm not the addict in the situation. My husband keeps lying about pot but he refuses to quit. I wish he was willing to give up the drug like you have done.

shar

I am in the same situation as you, i have put myself through treatment and continue to do the outpatient program and offered at home u, as and what ever it was i needed to do to salvage my relationship. i have a post under the name of shar please read it. I have a problem understanding how someone who is suppossed to love you can abandon someone who has admitted, and come clean, and done EVERYTHING to make ammends for all that has happened. I do not condone or think anyone has the right to abuse drugs, and do the horrable things that are done to the people in our our families and partners while we are using, but i will say this, im an awesome person, friend, lover and i was sick, i needed him then, and i need him now,i can say that the person using drugs wasnt me and i look back at some of the things i did and im humiliated!!!!! im embarrassed, what i wouldnt give to take it all back. He has moved me out and he calls me when he wants to have sex,(with no strings attached he says) talk about feeling good about yourself. i hurt so bad i could never put it into words. i need help to understand. i am sick with a horrable disease, i have done what i can to be clean and its working,!!!! cancer, diabetes, its no different than addiction, its a disease as well, would you leave your partner if they had diabetes? i dont know what advice i can give but i sure wish you all the best, i feel you, am i looking at this wrong?

a0330v

Dear Sdonohoo,
Starting a sober life and committing to your health and ultimately life itself is a beautiful thing to be doing. I understand that you have come a long way in the last 4 months and would love for your wife to recognize you for the work you have done.

The difference between you and your wife is that she has listened to you go through the "I have turned my life around" scenario several times over the last years, only to be let down. This was not you, this was your addiction talking, but since your wife is only human, she eventually identified you with this addiction and could no longer separate the two.

These are the 2 steps to living a sober life filled with love for yourself and others:
1. Live a sober life, one day at a time, and do so with a relentless passion for your health and your future.
2. Continuously strive for new opportunities to improve your life and the life of others, while living every day from the heart with kindness and compassion. This will naturally invite the right people into your life, weather they are old partners or new companions.

The process of realizing that you have truly changed and that you indeed have become a person she can rely on for support and trust with her still very fragile heart, is one that takes time.
You may be anxious and excited about your phenomenal developments, but she is still weary and scared. In a metaphorical sense you could be compared to an injured bird that finally learned to spread its wings again, proud to show off his brand new flying skills, while your wife is the birds partner that is still weary until she sees you build a new nest, settle down and make it through that first winter safely.

I would say that she most likely needs about 12 months to watch the change manifest itself. Watch you get through that first winter, work hard at your job, enjoy the holidays, pass both anniversaries and birthdays, before she can let herself trust you again.
Give her the time she needs, it is the most natural request and shows you that she has not given up yet. She may not be making it in the most comprehensive way, by refusing your GPS, she is doing it the way that feels right for her. Most likely she doesn't want a husband that she needs to check up on via GPS, she wants to learn to trust you again in a natural, loving way. The fact that she is not interested in knowing your every move is quite beautiful in itself. Your wife simply wants to take it slow and let that trust come from the inside, not have it dictated by an external tracking device that could make her even more worried about what you are up to.
Take it slow, focus on living the best you life you can and know that you are building the foundation for a beautiful future, one day at a time. If your wife decides to let you back into her heart again after 12 months of sobriety that's great. If the two of you choose to go separate paths, then that is simply what was meant to happen. In either outcome you know that you live every day with purpose and that you will be happy and sober with a passion, weather you are with your current wife or someone else.
Good luck, you are already on a great path to a fantastic future!

CLucas976

Amazing that you have accomplished 4 months clean, every day is a new success, and a new day to improve, in fact, congratulations, becuase I've seen severe drug addiction first hand, and I know how hard it is.

Your wife is going to need time, as you are going to need time. I watched my sister in law go through this relentlessly until her death, at 22 years old. (this february)

As a family, and individualy, we supported every positive move she made, I saw her go through rehab 4 times, live in 2 halfway houses, and end up in the hospital many many times, and live through 3 suicide attempts, as well as several others that were even less sucessful.

The damage done by addiction is done to both parties, not just the addict. We never trusted my sister, but we loved her, and we did take her back into the house many many many times. It finally got to a point where we sincerely could not sustain the pain and hurt of watching her go from being clean, and being the wonderful amazing person we loved, to going out on a binge and not coming back again for months (and by not coming back, I mean mentally)

Your wife needs time to heal before she can begin to trust you again. My sister would beg and plead to come back she came back after both halfway houses and full detox and rehab treatments, and it was always the same. I know that it feels unfair, but she needs time as well as you do. It is not that she no longer cares, its that she simply needs to seal up the wounds and know that this time is actually going to be different.

For us, it never was, and my sister died in her sleep from a deadly drug ****tail.

give it time, and in that time, work on yourself! its important to build who you are, and finding your Identity again is going to be quite the journey. My sister stoped even knowing who she was, what she liked, what hobbies she had. So make the most of this time to explore yourself, while your wife heals, and know that in time she will.

prometheus

Right on the head! My wife and I were both addicts, we are now recovered. My wife was in six rehabs and three yrs prison. Yes, there comes a point where a person just can't or won't want to trust anymore. Lied to too much. The advise given is great. You must continue to show your love for her by remaining sober. Actions and time speaks louder than words, however, I bought some home drug tests and kept them in the house. I told her whenever I wanted to do a test on her or her on me than do it. You can't fake a unexpected drug test, when done right. Give it time show her your love and most of all stay sober.