Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
Moving to a new country was the hardest step I ever took in my life, but it was worth it for my marriage sake. Three years down the line, i discover that husband is a web cam girl addict. He talks about our intimate moments and very close issues with the girls who are his ''friends''. To make the matters worse, we had some issues financially and he paid to have these private shows with the women. No so long ago, I caught him red handed, he denied at first but later on blamed it on alcohol. Said he would stop talking to the friends and cancel his membership from the site, but till now nothing has happened. He says I am too insecure, and that he does that when he is drunk.which is not true because he still emails and talks to the girls when he is sober. He does not touch me for days, and when I am asleep he is having his private shows in our home. I am a very sensual woman, but now its almost gone. I am slowly dying inside. I do know have a problem with porn, and when we can watch it together even better. I have asked him to let me see what it is that these women do that is so special, maybe i could work on my techniques as well. I am very open minded, but the web cam is just too much to handle.I no longer feel the urge to be intimate, because i feel like he is thinking about them when he is with me.The trust is all gone..he has been doing this all through our dating and marriage.
I am only 29, would really want to make my marriage work, but I dont know how to. I cant compete with the perfect women he watches on cam.Now i get so tempted to have an affair or have an online fling.
Do you think I am over reacting? or am i too insecure like he says?
a lot of people say that insecurity plays a huge role in these kinds of things. maybe it is insecurity a little. what women isnt insecure about her body? but to me its more then that. he's sharing your private, intimate moments with these girls. he's not interested in you. thats more then just being insecure.
when it comes down to your husband watching the web cams i think you have to listen to how you are feeling and tune everything else out. there are those who might think its no big deal but what matters is how you feel about it. If its hurting you this much then its a huge problem. Protecting yourself is the most important thing.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
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Re: web cam girls
I got slammed for this post a few months ago but my opinions haven't changed so here goes.
I will get up on my soap box again and point out that is a perfect example of the effect porn can have on a marriage. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I made some mistakes with porn a couple of years ago and it definitely hurt my marriage. There where other issues also but the porn had an impact. For those of you out there who are engaged in using pornography think about what it could do to your spouse’s feelings. If they have self confidence issues about their looks or weight, finding out will exacerbate them. It could leave them feeling unloved and undesired. Your spouse may also wonder what you are bringing to the bed with you when you are making love. Who or what you may have seen on line that you are thinking about when you make love to them. Put yourself in their place and how you’d feel if they did the same to you. I don’t know if I can classify the use of porn as “cheating” but it can definitely hurt your spouse and that is wrong in any form. I am not a prude or holy-roller by any stretch but I do believe that making love is supposed to be between two loving people in a committed relationship. Not something to be filmed for the almighty dollar and the entertainment of others. Porn hurts lots of people. The young man or woman at a college party that gets drunk and does something stupid while some perv videos it and sells it online for a hundred bucks. It will not doubt be an act they will regret for the rest of their lives. The porn industry uses people then tosses them aside like a used condom when they have served their purposes. It pollutes the minds of our young people and desensitizes them to what making love is all about. It sets unobtainable expectations for them in choosing a mate and partner. It exposes them to acts of violence, incest and rape and presents it as “normal”. It is a pollutant in our moral fiber and it is available 24X7 in virtually every home in America. Some on this forum will disagree with me that it isn’t just a trivial “release” for someone to engage in, that’s fine. But here is a classic example of how it can hurt a marriage.
Lonelyheart this can get better for you but it will take time. Make sure he understands just how much this hurt you. Explain how you felt when you found out. He needs to understand your pain in order to make sure he doesn’t falter. You will need to regain trust and find forgiveness for him in order to move on in the relationship. If you can both do these things then things will improve and your marriage can be a wonderful thing again. Good luck to you both.
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
Thanx Amplexor and Ijtseng.
Just talking it out takes a small burden off me. He knows how it hurt me, but even after promising to cancel his membership from those sites, he hasn't done so and he still chats with the girls on yahoo anyhow.The trust will take time. I am just scared of loosing myself in this problem that is already messing up my self esteem, or leave my marriage and the man I really love, or have an affair. Right now I am a confused little bird.
i found out my husband was addicted to porn, watched youtube vids, was always checking out other girls, and he never paid attention to me. He actually told me once that he resented the fact that I tried to [B]make[B] him have sex with me...lovely.
He also promised to stop but didnt. I lost myself in the problem for over a year. I was stressed out all the time, didnt sleep, hardly ate, and we were always fighting. Instead of just being myself, i started revolving myself around the problem. Everything I did started to be about trying to get him to quit. I tried to be prettier, nicer, did more things for him, tried to be more understanding, tried to understand why he was doing it, talked to him about how it made me feel, tried to get him to get help, etc.
It's been over two years and i dont talk to him about it anymore. If he slips up he knows the consequences and that's all there is to it. Right now he's sleeping on the couch until I feel comfortable letting him back in bed with me. All i tell him in regards to this problem are my boundaries. nothing i do now is about helping him quit. Its about respecting my boundaries so I can feel happy and good about myself.
It is so hard to back off from someone you love so much. I actually read a lot about grieving. Because to me I really felt like i had lost someone. I also did a lot of reading about boundaries and went to see a counselor. All these things helped. It still hurts when he slips up, but I dont lose myself in it.
well amplexor, your opinions do count. and they are very valid. i actually think your points are very good.
porn when out of control , web cams are unfortunately very much the fantasy world of life.
i would talk to him again, his replies to you are definately excuses.
really lay your feelings on the table.
but addictions such as these are hard to control straight away.
just be ready to go the long haul , if you want to stay with your hubby.
this addiction has been going on a while, its not just something that has happened.
but it depends on how much u can tolerate before throwing the towel in.
I know it's not me, but many times I just blame myself thinking if I would have been better or more attractive, he would stop doing that. I just don't know why someone would love you and still hurt you. Beats my understanding.I have tried talking and being more understanding, I guess the addiction takes time to go away. I just wish he had more will to stop doing that. Till today he hasn't canceled his membership from that site yet.
I just don't know why someone would love you and still hurt you.
I struggle with this question a lot. In my heart i feel like he doesnt love me. i really think he's just unbelievably selfish. ive heard it from counselors and others that they dont do it to hurt you, its not because they dont love you, the problem isnt about you, blah, blah, blah.
ive come to accept that the level of love he is capable of offering me right now is just not what i thought he was capable of. he really doesnt see it as a big deal. he really doesnt understand why i get so upset. and ive stopped trying to explain it. the other day he said he's learning now. i asked what he's learning and he said, "that if i dont respect your boundaries i dont get what i want." that's exactly how they think. they dont understand, you hurt me so you shouldnt do it. Sex addicts work off a pleasure principle. If you deprive them of pleasure they will start to understand the principle.
I know it's not me, but many times I just blame myself thinking if I would have been better or more attractive, he would stop doing that. Till today he hasn't canceled his membership from that site yet.
Since he cant seem to cancel maybe because he might be tied into a contract why not just take away the web cam and hide it because if he goes out and buy one this means he really wants to stay connected.
Well, hiding the camera is useless i think. He can still chat with them without the girls watching him as long as he can see the girls. I am taking one day at a time. he knows that it hurts me.
As for the contract, he is not bound to any contract. All he needs to do is cancel his membership. I think he just wants to keep watching his shows discreetly, but it will still show on the card bills.
I think it is a chronic addiction that might take years to get off.
im curious if there are other areas of your life that are fulfilling for you? do you have a job that you love? good friends or close family you can rely on? maybe a hobby that you are passionate about?
I started going back to school and pursuing new hobbies. i talk to my family a lot more. I volunteer for different organizations. My contributions to my community and the new things i am learning have really lifted my self-esteem and the bog created by the lack of intimacy within my marriage.
Given the fact that I moved countries to be with this man meant me leaving my family, friends and my whole life in my country.it's a whole new start for me in this land.Trying to figure out who I can talk to when I am stressed out, or just having someone to have coffee with or whatever. I am trying to meet new people, get new hobbies and find something to do with my time. But it will take time i know. That's what makes it unbearable to handle..
i started going to alanon meetings. they are really meetings for family and friends of alcoholics, but i went anyway. i just refer to my husbands addiction and not specifically that its a sex addiction. its a great support circle. the people are extremely welcoming. and the material has really helped me cope. Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
I also volunteered with the YMCA. i love helping the kids in sports. a child always brings a smile. They always need help and you'll meet great people there. YMCA
im not religious but i started going to church. People there are very welcoming and have good activities and other volunteer work i can do.
And one last thing im getting into is a child advocacy program, CASA. National CASA
I did all this on my own too. i moved with my husband and left my job, friends, and family behind. its certainly not like moving an entire country, but hopefully you can find something to get involved with and get your mind off your husband.
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