My Porn Addiction is back - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-12-2014, 03:49 PM Thread Starter
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My Porn Addiction is back

I thought I had it mostly under control.

I have had to travel for business for the past 3 months however, and have only been home for about 8 days. While alone on the road, going through the financial and relational strain this traveling is doing to me, I started caving to my old addiction.

I have told Mrs. Conan and we are trying to communicate about it and work through her hurt and my disgust.

What I would like to know is are there any good books on breaking this or any sex addiction.

Background: I do not enjoy watching porn. It makes me feel disgusting and degraded. I watch hardcore porn that is not romantic at all, just raunchy degrading sex.

I was severely sexually, emotionally, mentally and physically abused as a child. This addiction started there.

It almost feels to me like if a girl is horribly abused as a child, she might become promiscuous and let herself be used even though it does not make her feel any better but like she can't help it.

I am going to seek counseling as soon as opportunity allows.

I feel sick and disgusting before and after I view porn. It is some kind of mental/emotional trigger that is very hard for me to resist.

Anyway. I would really appreciate if anyone had some good book suggestions. Maybe I need one on PTSD of sexual abuse as this seems to stem from my childhood.

Thanks in advance for your help and advice.
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post #2 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-12-2014, 07:51 PM
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

Conan,

I'm sorry. I don't have any advice on books. My H has read several and none of them helped. He's talked to a few people. That didn't help either.

He deploys often. When he is gone, it comes back. When he returns home, we have to start all over again - I have to be his mother and monitor him, we have awkward sex, he doesn't enjoy it without porn on, He can hardly look at me naked...etc.

Over time, it gets better, but then he leaves again and it starts over.

He is still gone on a deployment until Friday. It's been 6.5 months since he's been home. He swears the last 2 months he hasn't touched it. He said it's because of an email I wrote him.

I wrote him telling him I couldn't do it anymore. I have stood by him through all of it with zero support because no one understands. No one knows the damage that 2-6 hours of porn a day..everyday can cause. I'm alone, I feel unwanted and unworthy.

And I can't do it anymore. It hurts me so bad. It's affected me in ways I never knew it could. I told him I wanted to divorce. Between his affairs and the porn, I don't feel like he wants me anyway.

In the email I described exactly what it felt like. We don't have a marriage, we are surviving...barely.

He swore he never wanted to hurt me. It just happens and he can't control himself. Honestly, I don't care anymore. He can watch it until his eyes fall out of his skull.

I don't know if he sensed a change in me, But I think he knows I will walk now. I am stronger, standing up for myself more than I ever did before. This addiction, it didn't involve just him. He was bringing all of us down. I don't think he could live knowing that. I didn't talk to him for a while after I found him lying to me again. I've never done that. I find myself distancing away from him.

Even though I am excited he is coming home in 5 days, I dread it. I get mad. I know what's going to happen. I've been through it so many times before. When he is gone, and it's just me and the kids here, even though we are alone, I feel more at ease...at peace. I don't have to do things that make me uncomfortable in order to please him. I don't have to put on make up as soon as I brush my teeth in the morning so he won't see my naked face. I feel more confident.

I think I'm starting to realize that I enjoy being without him. I love him. I do. I wouldn't have stayed this long if I didn't. But the fact of the matter is, he didn't want it bad enough. He swears now he does. His computer is clean, his phone is clean, his external hard drive is clean. It falls on deaf ears. I've heard it before. He has to prove to me he can control himself.

For the last 2 months, I *think* he has proven it - though it's only a matter of time before it happens again and I left feeling useless again. I sometimes wish I had never met him. My life could be so different now. I could be happy. I have so much regret because I thought he was the man of my dreams. He fit the bill perfectly. Everything was so amazing. I couldn't have been happier. But of course, I don't deserve to be happy...

My mother is an alcoholic and I had to care for her. She was violent, abusive, and mean. I never felt like she loved me.

My H is no different than her in my eyes now. He has a lot of ground to make up for. But in the mean time, I sit here, reading on an Internet forum full of people who look down on people like me for saying porn is harmful to us. I need to lighten up, allow him to do it because it's "harmless" and I'm a prude. It's enough to make you feel less than crap on a totem pole.

Your wife may not feel like I do. Maybe I am over dramatic about it. I've been hurt because he said the porn led him to the affairs. But if you know she gets hurt by this...please try...harder to stop. It sucks. It's hard. I know! But God being on the receiving end of it...sucks too.

My H said when he thinks about it...it starts nagging at him and he can't quit thinking about it, he pulls out a picture of me and the boys. He turns off his computer immediately, shuts off his phone and gets the pic out. If he still feels the need to masturbate, he will go take a shower and do it there since you can't bring paper or electronics into the water. Sounds silly, but it works for him I guess.

I know I didn't give you want you asked for. But I thought I would give my perspective on it as someone who is on the other side of it for over 6 years now.
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post #3 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-12-2014, 08:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

So sorry for your situation. Porn addiction is destructive and I am sorry you have not received support on this forum. I have not cheated and I rarely look at porn but I just hate the grip it has on me. My wife knows it is a wound from my past and is lovingly encouraging me.

I sure wish I could offer you encouragement. When I am not separated from my wife, I don't seem to suffer the addiction.

If I find some good resources, I will share with you.

You are fully justified and your feelings are valid! If no one else will, I will support your feelings and anguish. I know how terrible and insecure pornography can make someone feel.

Thank you for sharing with me. Maybe I can just be stronger through the tough times. I should probably look into recovery from sexual abuse anyway.

Take care.
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post #4 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-12-2014, 08:22 PM
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

Thanks Conan.

It seems I was assuming that your situation was worse. I guess I am jaded in that area. I'm sorry for that.

I can understand the hold that it takes on people. I've seen him struggle with it. Rarely looking at it is a good thing (at least in my eyes). You seem to have better control.

I'm glad you have her support. It's important to always be supported when things like this come around. Everyone is going to go through something tough in their life. It's nice to have someone there to help you through it.

There are weak moments and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. Just try to pin point what got you to there and tackle it if you can. Look for other outlets, write a journal on how you're feeling and what it's doing to you. Read over it occasionally to remind yourself of how you don't want to feel. Pick a sport, go running, play guitar, anything to help move your mind away from it.

It sounds like you have a great wife to help you with that!
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post #5 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-12-2014, 08:27 PM
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

Can you take something to relax you like GABA? Is there something stressing you out that is causing this?
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post #6 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-12-2014, 08:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

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Originally Posted by staarz21 View Post
Thanks Conan.

It seems I was assuming that your situation was worse. I guess I am jaded in that area. I'm sorry for that.

I can understand the hold that it takes on people. I've seen him struggle with it. Rarely looking at it is a good thing (at least in my eyes). You seem to have better control.

I'm glad you have her support. It's important to always be supported when things like this come around. Everyone is going to go through something tough in their life. It's nice to have someone there to help you through it.

There are weak moments and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. Just try to pin point what got you to there and tackle it if you can. Look for other outlets, write a journal on how you're feeling and what it's doing to you. Read over it occasionally to remind yourself of how you don't want to feel. Pick a sport, go running, play guitar, anything to help move your mind away from it.

It sounds like you have a great wife to help you with that!
A journal is actually a pretty great idea! Thanks! That might help me isolate some of what is affecting me. I could share it with my wife as well.
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post #7 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-12-2014, 08:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

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Can you take something to relax you like GABA? Is there something stressing you out that is causing this?
I would love to know what GABA is. Yes. I have had to travel for business for the last three months with a grand total of 8 days home. we encountered sudden financial difficulties and the only way to survive has been to travel to take care of business.

She has to stay home to take care of things on that end and I will probably have another two or three months of this until things settle down.

So yes, I have been under a lot of extra stress and the prolonged separation has caused my addiction to resurface.

We have never been apart for so long in our 23 years. I kind of feel like a baby for not being able to handle this better.
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post #8 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-12-2014, 08:52 PM
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

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I would love to know what GABA is. Yes. I have had to travel for business for the last three months with a grand total of 8 days home. we encountered sudden financial difficulties and the only way to survive has been to travel to take care of business.

She has to stay home to take care of things on that end and I will probably have another two or three months of this until things settle down.

So yes, I have been under a lot of extra stress and the prolonged separation has caused my addiction to resurface.

We have never been apart for so long in our 23 years. I kind of feel like a baby for not being able to handle this better.
GABA is a supplement that's a relaxer. We use it on my son when he's hyper and OC (autism). I know my OCD gets worse when I'm stressed out. My counselor said that many times we do A because we don't want to deal with B.

Since you are open with you wife, why not call or text her when you feel the urge. I do this with my spouse, when my OC hits I go through depression and do things that depress me even more. It's nice to be able to call him and feel that support.

Or you can come post here we will support you.
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post #9 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-12-2014, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

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GABA is a supplement that's a relaxer. We use it on my son when he's hyper and OC (autism). I know my OCD gets worse when I'm stressed out. My counselor said that many times we do A because we don't want to deal with B.

Since you are open with you wife, why not call or text her when you feel the urge. I do this with my spouse, when my OC hits I go through depression and do things that depress me even more. It's nice to be able to call him and feel that support.

Or you can come post here we will support you.
Thanks for the support. Maybe I can find GABA in a local store. I think texting is a good idea as well as posting. Maybe when "it" hits me next I can start posting what is going through my head. Might help me and possibly someone else as well.

Others insights have helped a great deal on TAM.

BTW. I am somewhat OCD as well. Wonder if that has a tie in to my problem?
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post #10 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-12-2014, 09:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

Just read up on GABA. It sounds like it would be good to take before bed. I have trouble sleeping so it might help solve two problems.

The side effects sound minimal. Will give it a try.
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post #11 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-12-2014, 09:06 PM
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

My sons neurologist recommended it to us.
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post #12 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-13-2014, 07:17 PM
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

I don't necessarily have a book to offer up. There are quite a few good ones out there. Joe Zychik wrote a good one and offers it up for free on the internet. You would have to google it to find it. I no longer have the link.

What I do want to recommend is a particular site which was very helpful to me. The Brain Science Behind Addiction | Candeo Behavior Change

It was this site where I found the help that I needed. It was this site where I found the tools, techniques, and camaraderie that led me to success.

Is is an anonymous site, but you can also invite your wife, your minister, or someone you might choose as a sponsor to join in and read the same materials you are reading, do the same exercises, and follow your progress through their course.

I am sure there are free sites also, but this site costs "I think" $30 a month and they require a 6 month committment.

Look, you get what you pay for. You could go to a therapist who will cost you more than $100 an hour, and "might" be trained in how to heal sexual addiction, or you could go here, get a whole lot more bang for your buck, and even though it costs you something, and is not free, the course material and the resources are well worth the really small amount that you will be laying out over 6 months.

I stayed there for close to two years, voluntarially, because I was getting so much out of it and I was shariing so much with other students there. I could have left after 6 months, but it was worth it to me to stay.

And just a hint for you, that you are on the right track when you think that your PTSD is one of the things causing you to seek out porn. Candeo certainly discusses this, and I know that Joe Zychik's book touches on it, as do others.
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post #13 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-13-2014, 07:22 PM
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

P.S.

They also assign you a coach who you can write back and forth to. This can be a very good help.

If you are looking to write a journal there are ones online that you can join. These sites are also men and women seeking victory over porn and sexual addiction. Unfortunately I am not at my personal computer so I don't have links.
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post #14 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-13-2014, 07:53 PM
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

Can you have your wife or yourself put in parental controls on your pc? Sure you can go around them, but it can help you fillter your feelings.

I mentioned the OCD, which was surprising to me at first when my therapist explained it to me. You may not be dealing with an addiction but with OCD behavior. I also grew up in an abusive home the emotional abuse was the worst. A lot of my issues stemmed from my childhood. I was obsessing with things in my marriage and self to deal with the unhealed shame I was carrying with me. A burden that doesnt belong to me but to my parents. I did nothing wrong yet, I felt I didn't deserve to be happy and that no one would love me.

If any of this rings true, try the book "letting go of shame".
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post #15 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-29-2014, 11:23 AM
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Re: My Porn Addiction is back

How are you doing Conan?

I've been secretly reading your posts and rooting for you. Your story is very compelling.

Hope things are going well. Wishing you the best!

My LONG story: LD Husband Journal
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