I attend the Addiction Recovery Program meetings every week, sometimes all three of them a week. I thought that I had addictive issues, but nothing in comparison to the ones who are hooked hard.
Someone please help me to understand why I feel so incredibly guilty about leaving my addicted husband.
You tried the best that you can to help him, but he wasn't recognizing that the life preserver was being tossed out to him.
He was constantly trying to manipulate me into doing what he wanted me to do, making me go to his doctors office demanding vicodin/valium refills, demanding that I ask people for pills for him, leaving the house in middle of the night without telling me where he was going, sleeping in his car, stealing money from me, drinking in secret,
Unfortunately, this is how an addicts mind works. They are so fixated on how to get the next "high" that they don't think about where their life is going.
Now that I’m starting to move on with my life he’s trying to convince me that he has changed and is no longer taking pills or drinking, but he’s trying to twist it around by saying things like “you abandoned me when I needed my wife by me the most”, “you’ve given up on your family”, or “marriage means nothing to you”.
They have forgotten, or not recognized yet that someone was trying to help them, but if they weren't ready to be helped, then nothing could be done. Once they can recognize the need for help then they will be receptive to the offers of help.
He never takes personal responsibility for his actions
They never do. They are so fixed on the idea that it is everyone elses fault that they fail to see that it is they who is to blame. Their mindset is that they are not the problem, everyone else is.
I think he was too high to remember I did try to help him out;
He wasn't in the right moment to actually "listen" to you. He was only concentrating on how to maintain his "high". Nothing short of a "personal gain" statement directed towards him will have grabbed his attention.
I tried to get him to go to rehab and talked to his Dr. and his family, and tried to make him see he needed help
Once again, if they are in this mindset of having to maintain their lifestyle, they will never see or realize that they need help, not until a huge wake-up call.
I have seen a few people in the meetings where they have been through not one, but two or three emergency room visits due to OD. It took one of them to be brought back to life to finally realize that the path that he was on was one of self destruction.
I’m sooooooooo angry and I’m going to counseling but he keeps telling me this counselor isn’t helping me and I need to be put on medication or see someone else because I don’t make sense and everyone else can see it but me.
I am thinking that your reason for going to counseling is only to learn coping skills. It is HE that needs to go to counseling for his addictive behavior, not you.
I feel absolutely fine when I’m not around him, but as soon as I see him or he calls start to feel that helpless/hopeless/emotionally drained feeling
I personally feel that your relationship has deteriorated so much that there is no reason to save it, "unless" he recognizes that he needs help and is willing to do what it takes to stop his addictions and change his ways.
start to think maybe I am breaking my vows, how could I do this to him, maybe I did abandon him,
As far as I know, it is NOT you who broke the vows. You did not abandon him, he abandoned your marriage. You tried for the last two years or so to get him the help that he needs, but he was not being very receptive. HE has to recognize that HE is the cause of the deterioration of your marriage. He has to be willing to accept responsibility for his actions and seek the help that he needs.
How do I keep from second guessing my feelings?
This is a difficult one.
I’m not filing for divorce or even separation because I want to make sure my decision isn’t fueled by my hostile emotion
This is good that you are controlling your reactions and taking the time to think things through. Sometimes hasty decisions are the ones that will bite you in the butt.
and what’s best for me and my son.
Anybody and everybody here will tell you that he is your FIRST priority. Take good care of him and yourself.
Your H has already made his decisions. I feel that he has had it too easy for way too long. He has been pampered too much and not had to answer for his problems. Hopefully there will be others who will offer you some good advice on how to reach out to him to where he can finally recognize the need to overcome his addictions. Anyone can overcome their addictive behaviors, but they must be willing to recognize and accept the help that is being offered to them.
I wish you the best of luck.