Guilt over leaving addicted spouse...
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Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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Old 03-04-2011, 10:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Guilt over leaving addicted spouse...

Someone please help me to understand why I feel so incredibly guilty about leaving my addicted husband. He lost his job, we lost our house, and I had to declare bankruptcy due to the unmanageable minimum payments on my credit cards I racked up trying to cover his loss of income. He was constantly trying to manipulate me into doing what he wanted me to do, making me go to his doctors office demanding vicodin/valium refills, demanding that I ask people for pills for him, leaving the house in middle of the night without telling me where he was going, sleeping in his car, stealing money from me, drinking in secret, threatening suicide, and accusing me of wanting other men. This went on for about 2 years before I finally left him (after I unsuccessfully tried to kick him out). Now that Iím starting to move on with my life heís trying to convince me that he has changed and is no longer taking pills or drinking, but heís trying to twist it around by saying things like ďyou abandoned me when I needed my wife by me the mostĒ, ďyouíve given up on your familyĒ, or ďmarriage means nothing to youĒ. He never takes personal responsibility for his actions saying things like, ďIím sorry if the Doctors put me on medication and I got addicted to itĒ, rewriting history to act like he wasnít taking 30 day supply of vicodin in 3 days or getting pills from ďfriendsĒ who were trying to help him out. I think he was too high to remember I did try to help him out; I tried to get him to go to rehab and talked to his Dr. and his family, and tried to make him see he needed help and I refused to be a doormat for someone who was willing to do anything to get high. He even stole my painkillers from when I gave birth to my son (I had them hidden and he found and took them). Iím sooooooooo angry and Iím going to counseling but he keeps telling me this counselor isnít helping me and I need to be put on medication or see someone else because I donít make sense and everyone else can see it but me. I feel absolutely fine when Iím not around him, but as soon as I see him or he calls start to feel that helpless/hopeless/emotionally drained feeling start to creep back in and I canít concentrate again and start to think maybe I am breaking my vows, how could I do this to him, maybe I did abandon him, etc. How do I keep from second guessing my feelings? Iím not filing for divorce or even separation because I want to make sure my decision isnít fueled by my hostile emotion and itís really what I want and whatís best for me and my son.
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Old 03-04-2011, 11:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Guilt over leaving addicted spouse...

Jesus God run like hell. He is a train wreck.
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Old 03-04-2011, 12:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Guilt over leaving addicted spouse...

I attend the Addiction Recovery Program meetings every week, sometimes all three of them a week. I thought that I had addictive issues, but nothing in comparison to the ones who are hooked hard.

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Someone please help me to understand why I feel so incredibly guilty about leaving my addicted husband.
You tried the best that you can to help him, but he wasn't recognizing that the life preserver was being tossed out to him.

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He was constantly trying to manipulate me into doing what he wanted me to do, making me go to his doctors office demanding vicodin/valium refills, demanding that I ask people for pills for him, leaving the house in middle of the night without telling me where he was going, sleeping in his car, stealing money from me, drinking in secret,
Unfortunately, this is how an addicts mind works. They are so fixated on how to get the next "high" that they don't think about where their life is going.

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Now that Iím starting to move on with my life heís trying to convince me that he has changed and is no longer taking pills or drinking, but heís trying to twist it around by saying things like ďyou abandoned me when I needed my wife by me the mostĒ, ďyouíve given up on your familyĒ, or ďmarriage means nothing to youĒ.
They have forgotten, or not recognized yet that someone was trying to help them, but if they weren't ready to be helped, then nothing could be done. Once they can recognize the need for help then they will be receptive to the offers of help.

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He never takes personal responsibility for his actions
They never do. They are so fixed on the idea that it is everyone elses fault that they fail to see that it is they who is to blame. Their mindset is that they are not the problem, everyone else is.

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I think he was too high to remember I did try to help him out;
He wasn't in the right moment to actually "listen" to you. He was only concentrating on how to maintain his "high". Nothing short of a "personal gain" statement directed towards him will have grabbed his attention.

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I tried to get him to go to rehab and talked to his Dr. and his family, and tried to make him see he needed help
Once again, if they are in this mindset of having to maintain their lifestyle, they will never see or realize that they need help, not until a huge wake-up call.

I have seen a few people in the meetings where they have been through not one, but two or three emergency room visits due to OD. It took one of them to be brought back to life to finally realize that the path that he was on was one of self destruction.

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Iím sooooooooo angry and Iím going to counseling but he keeps telling me this counselor isnít helping me and I need to be put on medication or see someone else because I donít make sense and everyone else can see it but me.
I am thinking that your reason for going to counseling is only to learn coping skills. It is HE that needs to go to counseling for his addictive behavior, not you.

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I feel absolutely fine when Iím not around him, but as soon as I see him or he calls start to feel that helpless/hopeless/emotionally drained feeling
I personally feel that your relationship has deteriorated so much that there is no reason to save it, "unless" he recognizes that he needs help and is willing to do what it takes to stop his addictions and change his ways.

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start to think maybe I am breaking my vows, how could I do this to him, maybe I did abandon him,
As far as I know, it is NOT you who broke the vows. You did not abandon him, he abandoned your marriage. You tried for the last two years or so to get him the help that he needs, but he was not being very receptive. HE has to recognize that HE is the cause of the deterioration of your marriage. He has to be willing to accept responsibility for his actions and seek the help that he needs.

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How do I keep from second guessing my feelings?
This is a difficult one.

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Iím not filing for divorce or even separation because I want to make sure my decision isnít fueled by my hostile emotion
This is good that you are controlling your reactions and taking the time to think things through. Sometimes hasty decisions are the ones that will bite you in the butt.

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and whatís best for me and my son.
Anybody and everybody here will tell you that he is your FIRST priority. Take good care of him and yourself.


Your H has already made his decisions. I feel that he has had it too easy for way too long. He has been pampered too much and not had to answer for his problems. Hopefully there will be others who will offer you some good advice on how to reach out to him to where he can finally recognize the need to overcome his addictions. Anyone can overcome their addictive behaviors, but they must be willing to recognize and accept the help that is being offered to them.

I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 03-04-2011, 02:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Guilt over leaving addicted spouse...

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I need to remember that a lot of his behavior is the behavior of an addict. It's hard because sometimes when I talk to him on the phone I feel like it could be 3 years ago and I imagine him as the same guy I married and fell in love with, but those conversations are so few and far between. Being in the same room with him makes me bristle.
I toyed with the idea of maybe going to support group meetings. It might help clarify my perspective.
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Old 03-04-2011, 02:45 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Guilt over leaving addicted spouse...

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Originally Posted by littlefroggie1 View Post
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I need to remember that a lot of his behavior is the behavior of an addict. It's hard because sometimes when I talk to him on the phone I feel like it could be 3 years ago and I imagine him as the same guy I married and fell in love with, but those conversations are so few and far between. Being in the same room with him makes me bristle.
I toyed with the idea of maybe going to support group meetings. It might help clarify my perspective.
You're welcome. Hopefully I can share from a different perspective.

Be careful of which support groups that you go to. Some are there to help, while others ar eonly there to go through the motions. The one that I am going to is the ARP (Addictive Recovery Program) through the LDS Church. It has been very helpful for me. I do not have issues with drugs or alcohol, but I do with a few small other addictive behaviors that are common place to many people in todays world.

I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 03-05-2011, 04:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Guilt over leaving addicted spouse...

I have lived with exactly what you did. I tried for 8 years to get my ex clean and sober. Nothing worked. He refused rehab. I did the best I could. So I've been where you're at, and I understand.

Quote:
Someone please help me to understand why I feel so incredibly guilty about leaving my addicted husband. He lost his job, we lost our house, and I had to declare bankruptcy due to the unmanageable minimum payments on my credit cards I racked up trying to cover his loss of income. He was constantly trying to manipulate me into doing what he wanted me to do, making me go to his doctors office demanding vicodin/valium refills, demanding that I ask people for pills for him, leaving the house in middle of the night without telling me where he was going, sleeping in his car, stealing money from me, drinking in secret, threatening suicide, and accusing me of wanting other men. This went on for about 2 years before I finally left him (after I unsuccessfully tried to kick him out). Now that I’m starting to move on with my life he’s trying to convince me that he has changed and is no longer taking pills or drinking, but he’s trying to twist it around by saying things like “you abandoned me when I needed my wife by me the most”, “you’ve given up on your family”, or “marriage means nothing to you”. He never takes personal responsibility for his actions saying things like, “I’m sorry if the Doctors put me on medication and I got addicted to it”, rewriting history to act like he wasn’t taking 30 day supply of vicodin in 3 days or getting pills from “friends” who were trying to help him out. I think he was too high to remember I did try to help him out; I tried to get him to go to rehab and talked to his Dr. and his family, and tried to make him see he needed help and I refused to be a doormat for someone who was willing to do anything to get high. He even stole my painkillers from when I gave birth to my son (I had them hidden and he found and took them).
I felt guilt when I booted my ex for the final time. I felt like I had somehow given up on him, and on us..but the reality is that drugs stole him from his family, I tried everything I knew to do to get him clean, and HE was the one who threw it all away. The guilt does ease as time goes on.
I dealt with all of what you went through, and more. Used to have to drive him around to emergency rooms so he could try to get someone to give him pills.


Quote:
I’m sooooooooo angry and I’m going to counseling but he keeps telling me this counselor isn’t helping me and I need to be put on medication or see someone else because I don’t make sense and everyone else can see it but me. I feel absolutely fine when I’m not around him, but as soon as I see him or he calls start to feel that helpless/hopeless/emotionally drained feeling start to creep back in and I can’t concentrate again and start to think maybe I am breaking my vows, how could I do this to him, maybe I did abandon him, etc.
You didn't abandon him...he took a lover..and a very powerful one at that. Drugs. You are dealing with an addict who will say whatever to try to get them whatever it is that they want. His only hope is to try to convince you that you're in the wrong, not him. Only by convincing you that you're the one at fault here will you reconsider what you're doing. Don't buy it.


Quote:
How do I keep from second guessing my feelings? I’m not filing for divorce or even separation because I want to make sure my decision isn’t fueled by my hostile emotion and it’s really what I want and what’s best for me and my son.
What is best for you and your son is for you to become the healthiest emotionally you can get. Get therapy. Go to Al Anon meetings..they're not just for people dealing with alcoholics, it can help ppl dealing with any kind of addict.

I don't know how old your son is...but I can promise you that this is going to take a terrible toll on him. I left my addict too late. My children and I both paid a terrible price. It affected them so profoundly. You truly are doing your son a favor by keeping the addict away from him. They only cause more emotional harm.

My story didn't end well. But I didn't bring any of it on. I only wish I had gotten away sooner. I could have possibly minimized some of the damage to my children if I had.

Please seek some professional help. At the least..look into a support group in your area. They will know exactly what you're going through. Sometimes that helps a lot. I wish you the best.
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Old 03-05-2011, 05:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by littlefroggie1 View Post
I feel absolutely fine when Iím not around him, but as soon as I see him or he calls start to feel that helpless/hopeless/emotionally drained feeling start to creep back in
Sounds like a little PTSD - something to talk about in counseling.

I would get a restraining order and file for divorce. He's not safe.
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Old 03-06-2011, 03:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Atholk View Post
Sounds like a little PTSD - something to talk about in counseling.

I would get a restraining order and file for divorce. He's not safe.
I agree. Your safety is first and the kids too.
You are not happy right?? Time to start over-you deserve better than this.
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Old 03-06-2011, 04:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Guilt over leaving addicted spouse...

Living with a drug addict is a fight to death. Yours or theirs. I know this first hand growing up with a family full of mentally ill drug addicts.
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Old 03-07-2011, 11:49 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Guilt over leaving addicted spouse...

You mourn for what you wished he was and never will be.

Drug addicts are master manipulators. He'll throw the kitchen sink if it would help him get his way.

You are not caught in his web anymore.

Protect yourself and your kid.

Run far.
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Old 05-08-2011, 08:29 PM   #11 (permalink)
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i understand im in a web myself and dont know how to even start to get out drugs and bipolar it is a very tiresome roller coaster that never stops but you are not at fault it is not you it is him i have at least learned that!
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Old 05-22-2011, 02:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Guilt over leaving addicted spouse...

The hardest part for me, has been realizing what you married and what you actually got are not the same person. With my husbands sister before she died the entire family always said "hate the disease, love the person"

I will always have love for my husband. The actual person that he is will forever live in me, he was wonderful. The person running themselves into the ground right now, isn't him. It doesn't matter what anyone else does, it's he he chose this and having a horrific history of addiction in his family and losing his sister last year to drugs he knows what he's doing, he's denying it to himself.

What I ended up reminding myself was that all I came into this world with was me, and all I am going to leave with is me, if I don't take care of that what do I really have?

I left in february, and I just ceased contact finally for good last monday, it's sad that a week is an accomplishment for me, but it is and I am happy about it.

I get the same feelings you get when I was talking to him. They come back when I have to see him. But those feelings and that stress is all the more reason to give you and your son space away from it. All that will come of it is him dragging you down with him, and risking losing your child not to mention the mental/emotional damage.

You know how things were, and you know how he was, you also know that you don't want that. Your love can not save him, only he can save him. The more you give, the more you're only enabling him further. I've not filed for separation or divorce either, merely doing my best to cease contact. every day is a new beginning and that feeling of "freedom" so to speak is something I absolutely love.

Addicts will manipulate and use absolutely everything they can from a person until their cut off. Friends, family, anyone..and its not until that random epiphany hits that they get help, and even then its a personal battle, but he's going to have to find it in himself, you can't provide that for him regardless of what he says.

Worry about you and enjoying your child for now let him wrestle his demons.
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Old 05-22-2011, 05:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Guilt over leaving addicted spouse...

Little Froggie, you aren't God or even goddish. If shrinks, physicians, judges, cops, bosses, teachers, parents, social workers, and clerics, all doing their absolute best and acting in concert couldn't cure his addiction, what chance did you have? You didn't create the world, you just have to live here with the rest of us mere mortals. It is tragic, it's sad, it's an awful waste of a life, but it was, is, and always has been completely, entirely his choice and no power on earth can save him until he chooses to be saved. Let go of any guilt you are unfairly and needlessly dragging around.
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Old 05-24-2011, 01:56 PM   #14 (permalink)
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CLucas976

Addicts will manipulate and use absolutely everything they can from a person until their cut off. Friends, family, anyone..and its not until that random epiphany hits that they get help, and even then its a personal battle, but he's going to have to find it in himself, you can't provide that for him regardless of what he says.

Worry about you and enjoying your child for now let him wrestle his demons.
You are so absolutely right. Addicts will use any means necessary to get what they want, no matter what the cost. They will use up their resources until the one who they are drawing from is dried up and can no longer "give" or sustain the habit. Once that source is dried up, the addict will hunt down and move on to another source.

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unbelievable

If shrinks, physicians, judges, cops, bosses, teachers, parents, social workers, and clerics, all doing their absolute best and acting in concert couldn't cure his addiction, what chance did you have? You didn't create the world, you just have to live here with the rest of us mere mortals. It is tragic, it's sad, it's an awful waste of a life, but it was, is, and always has been completely, entirely his choice and no power on earth can save him until he chooses to be saved. Let go of any guilt you are unfairly and needlessly dragging around.
I don't think that anyone could have said this any better than you did.


Until the addict can recognize that he/she has a problem, they will not recognize that they need help. They are caught up in a fog of sorts and cannot see what their actions, addictions, or habits, is doing to those around them. Those addicts who say that they don't need help are the ones who need help the most.
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