Approximately 10 years ago I found out that my husband (of a little over a year at the time) was an addict. He was using Opiates (Oxy) and Cocaine (maybe they are both Opiates...I don't know). He went through detox and rehab. He told me he stopped, I think he might have. Now, fast forward 10 years. Now, I've found out that he has been drinking heavily. And, using OTC's in excess regularily. When I asked him if he's ever been clean he responded that he didn't think so. He's telling me that he wants to be sober. He's attending group therapy and AA meetings. He usually goes to group therapy 3 xs per week and AA every day he isn't scheduled to go to therapy. Although, he called in sick to therapy last week -- but didn't seem sick to me. He sleeps all the time. He's always slept a lot.
He is telling me that he always drank in secret. He says he drank in the evening after our kids went to bed. He'd say he was working the garage and he'd drink and then sleep in another part of our house. He snores a lot so he told me he was doing it so that I could get some sleep. I had no idea he was drinking.
Basically, he has lied to me continually for 10 years. I don't remember who I married because I only know the person I've been with for the past 10 years. He had never really talked to me. He had never really been kind to me. He had never done nice things for me. Sometimes he would be civil to me. Most of the time, he wouldn't be nasty to me until after our children were sleeping. And, he wasn't nasty often...mostly he was just "nothing" toward me.
I've spent 10 years "going it alone" because we have two small children. I do believe that it's best for our children to have 2 parents living with them. However, I'm not sure it's best if one of them is an addict.
Now, he's telling me that he wants things to work out. He sent me flowers for the first time ever. He trys to talk to me a few times a week (most weeks). He says he's trying.
But, I'm so angry and scared. And, really, I just keep getting angrier. I wasn't this angry when he confessed to me a month ago. But, he thinks I should be "over" his 10 years of bad treatment and give him a clean slate because he's trying this time. (Of course that's what he told me last time that he was trying and that he wanted to be sober). So, I've heard this all before. How do I know he isn't playing a game this time too? How do I begin to get over the anger? How do I decide if I want to spend more years waiting for him to get it together? How do I decide what's best for our kids (ages 7 &4)?
Thanks for the replies. I really don't think he's using drugs anymore. I don't think he's done that in many years. I think it's just the alcohol and some over the counter meds now.
I hate to break up our family, for the sake of our children, if he can clean up his act. I am trying to make plans to get out. But, this makes me so sad too. I feel like I am hurting our family and our kids. If I divorce him he will get time with our kids (maybe even 50-50 custody I'm told because since he's in "recovery" the courts won't hold his "using" against him). How do I protect my kids from him if he get's partial custody?
Addicts can't drink. Period. Addicts who drink aren't in recovery.
All you can do at this point is choose to believe him or not. Also spouses can attend open AA meetings with their spouse as well. Might not hurt for you to at least check one out.
However, my main suggestion to you, is to find a Alanon support group and attend that. It can be very benefical. You will need to focus on yourself and kids, not on him. His problem, is just that, HIS problem. Might be helpful as well, to get you some books or info on people with drinking and drug problems.
My first wife was a drug addict. I had to enter into NA, and it really helped me put things in better perspective. I will go along with what another poster had suggested and that is for you to seek out a AlAnon group. They are very helpful for those who have a loved one with a drinking problem. It does NOT matter if he is drinking now or not, YOU still need to seek out some help for yourself as well. Chances are, you have been and still are greatly affected by his drug use and drinking, even if he is no longer doing those behaviors. Remember, alcohol and drugs are a family disease, not just a one person with the problem disease.
Thanks everyone for the posts. I have attended 2 open AA meetings with my husband. I will go to an Alanon meeting tonight. I did attend some Alanon meetings 10 years ago (many, in fact) but they always seem to spend so much time talking about how it's not the drug users' fault (or alcoholic this time) for using. And, I'm having a really hard time getting past that. My husband is a smart man. He knew what he was doing to his body and his family when we was using drugs or alcohol. The fact is that he did it anyway.
I have to find a way to figure out if I can stick this out with him for another "go around". If I was comfortable that this was the last time for relapse, I would be comfortable with trying to work things out. But, on the other hand, if I knew another relapse was coming (and I'm confident I won't know that he's been using until something near tragic happens -- because he's been fooling me for 10 years -- even after I found out the first time) I would work on getting out now.
And, I don't know what's best for my kids. I want to give them a shot at life. I don't want them to grow up to be addicts.
I thank you all for giving me advice and for letting me know that I'm not alone.
well my mate drinks and they smoke maijuan and on christmas night she left me at that time i really didn,t know why she left but come to find out she aalmost a month later shee finally come out and told me that she had been doing cocaine she keep telling me that she will be home but that day having happen yet but she said that she waasn,t using any more but it have beeen excuses after excuses and she lie alot