Porn is Killing Me - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #31 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-31-2011, 01:20 PM
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Re: Porn is Killing Me

How can everybody not understand WHY guys watch porn.............................?????????????????
Sorry if I sound aggrivated but no matter what you say what I say is the truth because I am a guy and I have watched a LOT of porn. So let it be known to everyone that we men watch porn because
1) Most important reason: VARIATY. In porn you can have virtual sex with such a variaty of women! Blond, brunette, teen, mature, slender, plump, naughty-looking, shy-looking, sweet-looking, innocent-looking, *****y-looking, asian (all types of asian ), white (all kinds of white), latina, ebony.. Sex styles: oral, anal, dominant, submissive... and list goes on.
2) Variaty creates excitement and the sense of completeness. Excitement comes from constant change in internet porn -- of models, videos, pictures, etc. You are guaranteed to see something new every day and experience new sensations or relieve good old ones. New is what we crave and porn provides that. There is also a special (call it perverted, doesn't change things) sense of completeness that comes from having this sex variaty. At the moment of watching porn you have access to all this variaty of girls. This makes you feel like a king really. (Solomon had 700 concubines, right? You get even more on the net) The access to variaty produces sense of completeness.

Should I give more reasons than these 2? So here you go, hope it explains why one woman will lose a battle against her guy's porn addiction. Mind me, even the hottest woman will eventually lose, however hot she may be, she cannot stand against her guy's desire for .. get ready to hear this again -- PORN VARIATY.

Last edited by niceGuybutAddicted; 03-31-2011 at 01:21 PM. Reason: clarified last sentence
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post #32 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-31-2011, 08:52 PM
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Re: Porn is Killing Me

Kitteh, my dear,

You are me 20 years ago. And I have been through it and back. Well, actually, I'm still going through it. It seems to never end. I would like to give you this advice, if you want it, and then I wish you every success.

My marriage had issues with porn, that began as (I admit it) a mutual interest, which soon deteriorated into more of what you describe, with a myriad of other problems thrown in. In hindsight, I wish I had bailed before I was thrown overboard at 18 years of marriage, but it's not too late for you.

First of all, the only problem here that YOU have is that you need someone to help you build your self esteem and self respect, so that you can really own that *you do not have to accept his standard if you don't like it*, and *you are worthy of a relationship that fulfills your needs, too.* Please read Co-Dependent No More by Beattie, and substitute "Porn" for "alcohol." It has helped me a lot. I wish I had read it when I was your age.

Secondly, go to a cognitive behavioral therapist. His porn and lying problems are not your fault at all, but the fact that you are not sure if they are problems, tells me that you, like me, doubt yourself and don't put yourself first enough. Share the thread with your counselor. They will know what to do, and you will be transformed. Then it will be clear to you what you want to do about your marriage, and you will be strong enough to do it.

I want you to do this very soon. Tomorrow. You don't have children; you aren't pregnant. Let me tell you in no uncertain terms, that that makes a mighty, mighty difference in the scope of your marital problems and their potential for devastation, whatever they may be. You need to do this before you decide if you want to have kids with this guy. And keep it to yourself. Do this for you. He certainly doesn't have any problem with keeping things from you. Keep this one close to your vest, at least until you have made your choice. If you decide you deserve better, and you might, read the divorce threads so you don't get nailed to the wall like I did. Get on the pill. The pill is your friend right now.
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post #33 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-31-2011, 09:03 PM
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Re: Porn is Killing Me

Oh, also, Al-Anon groups help people who live with someone who has ANY kind of addiction. It's all the same in some ways. Check into that, too.

Now, I know there are groups for the addicted, such as Sexaholics Anonymous (not making that up.) But my brother thought he had a problem with porn, and went to one of those meetings, and he said it was more like a place to find dates.."gave him the skeevies," he said. Perhaps not all are like that, but just telling you what he told me.
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post #34 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-29-2011, 12:58 PM
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Re: Porn is Killing Me

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Originally Posted by niceGuybutAddicted View Post
How can everybody not understand WHY guys watch porn.............................?????????????????
Sorry if I sound aggrivated but no matter what you say what I say is the truth because I am a guy and I have watched a LOT of porn. So let it be known to everyone that we men watch porn because
1) Most important reason: VARIATY. In porn you can have virtual sex with such a variaty of women! Blond, brunette, teen, mature, slender, plump, naughty-looking, shy-looking, sweet-looking, innocent-looking, *****y-looking, asian (all types of asian ), white (all kinds of white), latina, ebony.. Sex styles: oral, anal, dominant, submissive... and list goes on.
2) Variaty creates excitement and the sense of completeness. Excitement comes from constant change in internet porn -- of models, videos, pictures, etc. You are guaranteed to see something new every day and experience new sensations or relieve good old ones. New is what we crave and porn provides that. There is also a special (call it perverted, doesn't change things) sense of completeness that comes from having this sex variaty. At the moment of watching porn you have access to all this variaty of girls. This makes you feel like a king really. (Solomon had 700 concubines, right? You get even more on the net) The access to variaty produces sense of completeness.

Should I give more reasons than these 2? So here you go, hope it explains why one woman will lose a battle against her guy's porn addiction. Mind me, even the hottest woman will eventually lose, however hot she may be, she cannot stand against her guy's desire for .. get ready to hear this again -- PORN VARIATY.
NiceGuybutAddicted is correct. My husband told me just about the same thing. The last time I found his "stash" I asked him why so many? He said it was because he gets bored looking at the same girl/girls. Now can you imagine how that made ME feel? I am only ONE person. I will always be only ONE person. That can never compare to all the variety men crave. So, to sum things up for the women out there dealing with this.... (as I still am I'm sure, even though he denys it and I have not found proof to say otherwise in a while....) Make yourself happy. Do whatever it takes. Life is too short. If they want to jack off to images in mags, on line videos etc.... let them. There is nothing you can do about it. Men do what they want. Bottom line. Eventually, he will want something from you.... for you to cook dinner, do his laundry, heaven forbid.... have actual REAL sex with him.... Don't do it! Reject him. If the OP doesn't have any children with this man, that is the best thing ever. It's so much easier to move on and start over. He has made it clear as to what is important to him by his actions. He chooses to jack off alone with his porn. What a lonely, empty life! Pathetic!
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post #35 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 10:53 PM
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Re: Porn is Killing Me

i am having the same problem with my husband! I want to say I am not sexually opressive and I have even brought movies home for us to watch together. He wants to do it by himself. i have tried everything to make him interested in me but he isn't we have had sex 2 in three months and he doesn't care at all. He still looks at his **** daily. I don't think it is a problem to look at porn every once in a while but when you no longer want to be with your significant other and the porn is more appealing then there is a problem. i am tired of taking care of myself too. i am an attractive woman. I am 5'7 blonde and 136lbs. i also have a 36D breast size! To me there is no reason why my husband should prefer porn over me. He says part of it is because I want it all the time and it isn't a challenge. I am trying the 180 someone on here recommended. You basically do the opposite of whatever they are used to. i am being cold and indifferent to him. i no longer wait up for him to get home from work and i stay on my own side of the bed. I rarely talk to him...it has made a small difference but he still isn't interested in me at all. It is making me Feel insecure and ugly!!
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post #36 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-05-2011, 06:23 AM
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Re: Porn is Killing Me

Fed up wife, it isn't about what you are doing, it isn't about you at all.

If my husband was addicted to porn, I can say without a doubt I'd just walk away.

They are addicted, and regardless, they are willingly placing other women on a screen above your real life relationship and connection. In short they do not care enough for you, so why stay with a man like that?

How sad that any man would put fake sex over his real life relationship.

I honestly just think LOSER
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post #37 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-05-2011, 04:21 PM
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Re: Porn is Killing Me

"accepting it" doesn't work

if it is an issue now, it will only get worse

if it isn't an issue, good for you...but you're not the only who posted the problem then, are you?

I too tire of those implying you are either a prude or a bible-banger to oppose porn. It's simply NOT THAT SIMPLE!!

I want an intensely intimate and very sexually-active marriage with my husband...no third parties cyber or otherwise.
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post #38 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-06-2011, 03:40 AM
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Re: Porn is Killing Me

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Fed up wife, it isn't about what you are doing, it isn't about you at all.

If my husband was addicted to porn, I can say without a doubt I'd just walk away.

They are addicted, and regardless, they are willingly placing other women on a screen above your real life relationship and connection. In short they do not care enough for you, so why stay with a man like that?

How sad that any man would put fake sex over his real life relationship.

I honestly just think LOSER
Yes, YES, YES!!!

Ladies, please, please understand it is NOT about you. No matter how good you look, or not. Addiction is addiction.

In my case, my H's one addiction has morphed into another. It was cocaine & alcohol (about 6 years, before we met). Then just alcohol (started about 3 years into our marriage, this is year one completely 'dry', 17 years later). Through it came porn, which ended when he was busted at work (talk about exposing the problem and dulling it's appeal). That one was really scary, because it put EVERYTHING about our lifes on the line and at risk - his employment, our home, our family, our future.

And yes, I must be co-dependent, because too many times I have covered for him getting drunk at work, getting him home, cleaning up the mess, making excuses to the boss, etc.

There was one time that he did lose a job (his 2nd job) because he got drunk, couldn't function, and had to tell them. What a fun day. No adult to help me, had to take the children along...

And yes, the porn certainly affected our sex life. His porn was always "hidden" and "secret." What else could account for intimacy once or twice A YEAR???

Would have made a difference if he had shared it with me? Probably not. Watching someone else have sex is one thing, it's much better to be the one having sex. ;-)

Why did he pull this sh*t? I have no idea. He has no idea. Last time he got wasted I kept him awake, pumped him with water to displace the alcohol, and we had a great talk that lasted most the night). Our children are teens now, our oldest has been aware (and quite upset about it) for several years, the younger is too young to catch the subtitle indicators, until recently.

What is the H doing now? He's stopped both the porn & the booze. Yes, I think he has transferred it to something else, a self-development interest he shares with one of the children. Still distant from me, though. It sucks being 4th or 5th on his interest list. As wife, I should be #1, IMHO.

Should I have left? Perhaps. I had things that kept me here, namely little ones.

Be careful what you choose to do. Being around addicition meetings I've certainly seen individuals move from one addiction go to another addication (like booze to smoking, or booze to adultery), and I've seen meetings be places to score whatever you need to fulfill your addiction.

It might do you well to read the Affaircare articles page (Articles AFFAIRCARE). You are, afterall, talking about committment and a relationship. You might get some good ideas.

If you simply choose what makes you 'happy,' that is the same slippery slope they are on. "Happy" is a sliding emotion, a high to chase.

PS: saw a news piece about improving your sex life & marriage using 40 beads. You place the bead in a known place (like a dish on their nightstand or dresser), and within 24 hours you are to be together. Perhaps that will help him retain his energies for you, since he knows you want to be together. Just an idea...

Last edited by ItHappenedToMe; 08-06-2011 at 03:47 AM.
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post #39 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-08-2011, 03:17 PM
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Re: Porn is Killing Me

Okay...so I took my own advice at approached my husband. Afterwards, he dumped all over everything I was trying to nurture.

I asked about the addictions, and why. He said, 'because I like being high!' and 'it feels good to take some of the pressure off.' Apparently, he like to worry, because all the dumping he was doing had to do with his worries about this or that.

I can look back and see that a) marriage caused him 'great concern' to where he used porn (leaving me without him, as you experience, too); by the b) the birth of our first child caused him 'great concern' to where he'd use abuse alcohol, continued with c) birth of second child more 'concern' and more incidents with alcohol, etc.

Does getting loaded make the problem go away? No, it just gives him another - one p-o'd wife that he's putting our security & lives on the line ONCE AGAIN. Can ya tell I've got some deep-seeded resentment?

Here's a question I've yet to answer...would I view it differently if he partied with me? I honestly don't know. There has been a time or two that we drank together, and had enjoyed ourselves.

I WOULD have appreciated him sharing his concerns as they happened, not just holding them in until he reached 'tilt' and then got loaded. That made a mess that is so much worse to clean up.

Good news is things are better this year, and he chooses to talk about his concerns, even if it is really bad timing (at our anniversary dinner, after sex, etc).

See if you can get your man to talk...
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post #40 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-09-2011, 03:41 AM
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Re: Porn is Killing Me

Porn is the vice of weak men.
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post #41 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-09-2011, 05:14 AM
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Re: Porn is Killing Me

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Porn is the vice of weak men.
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post #42 of 42 (permalink) Old 10-25-2011, 07:23 PM
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Re: Porn is Killing Me

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Oh my yes, she should certainly stop standing up for herself in setting her boundaries for the marriage, for what makes her happy and feel loved. To continue to allow her husband to manipulate her by misleading, lying to and doing things behind her back even though he knows how it makes her feel. Yes she should certainly turn her back on her self esteem, her moral code or beliefs because it's what all people do. Yes it would be better to feel rejected, defeated and resentful of her husband.

If this works in your marriage fine, great but don't assume it works in all. I tire of the threads that make the person who is being hurt by their spouse, feel they are at fault for not accepting porn as the norm. That they should just "embrace" it and get over their problem with it.

Porn was one of the issues in my marriage but I elected to respect my wife's wishes instead of trying to bend her around my own. We found common ground in respecting each others boundaries and the marriage recovered then flourished. If he can't then he'll have to accept the consequences. Probably divorce and the OP would be perfectly justified in that decision.



Just my two!
I love this answer! I'm having a similar problem and it's great to hear a man say what you said. Thank you.
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