Porn Is Destroying My Relationship - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-24-2014, 01:54 PM Thread Starter
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Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

I know this topic is very two sided. I really didn't think much about it being a big deal until it happened to me. My husband and I are married and I am pregnant with our first child.

My husband takes depression meds and has for sometime which contributes to his lower sex drive or so he says. I, even when I am not pregnant, have a fairly high sex drive and sometimes feel rejected when we go long periods of time without intimate activity (3-4 weeks)

When we first met and up until I found out I was pregnant we had lots of sex, never went more than 4 days without it. We were more intimate with each other. Now, he assures me that the reason we are not having sex isn't because of me or the baby weight or anything else having to do with me (very hard for me to believe.) I am always the one initiating sex and sometimes he down right rejects me. That alone really upsets me and I have tried talking to him.

Then a couple days ago I used his phone to check on a package that was supposed to be here..(we always use each others phones, up until now we had nothing to hide) and as soon as I hit the safari app a porn movie came up that had begun playing in the middle. I was in complete shock. It shocked me so much that he had watched this. I frantically hit the back button hoping to make it go away and more and more porn sites came up. I felt like I had just found out he cheated on me. And I know he didn't just look, there were "used" tissues in the garbage can.

I had told him all the time how I wouldn't mind at all if he woke me up to have sex, turns me on I guess, but he still felt the need to wake up at 5am to come down stairs and pleasure himself to some other woman's naked body and actually "get off" while doing it when he constantly tells me its hard for him to "get horny" because of his meds.

I can't even explain the absolute shock and overwhelming sadness that I have because of this. I feel like it confirms that he isn't attracted to me or my body and that I am not good enough. We had sex the day I found that before I confronted him and I almost could not hold back my tears while having sex because all I could think of was him think of those girls instead of me and how awful my body must look compared to what he saw this morning.

I don't know how to deal with it. I know guys will be guys but I have feelings. I know people say its normal, its better than him cheating with a real person, or its a guy thing get over it. If that is the case then why was this my reaction. It really hurt me deeply inside and I feel like I was genuinely cheated on, it feels the same as if he did meet someone and cheat. My self esteem is so beyond low, my trust is out the window, and I cry myself to sleep.

I don't know what to do. I told him about it this morning as calmly as I could and he tried to deny it, probably because he was ashamed, but I know he knows.

I don't know what to do.
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-24-2014, 02:16 PM
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

He needs help to overcome his issues. He is programming himself to get off the visual stimulus of porn. Porn may be triggering his sexual drive. Works like a fetish somewhat, he is creating neurological pathways linking porn to his orgasm and stimulus. So when he looks at porn, he gets that dopamine rush stimulating him.

You feel betrayed because he invested his sexual energy elsewhere, and it does hurt your ego. Porn can offer too many different visual stimulus. He needs to own his own issues, and he needs to work on himself. He has to seek help if he cares enough about you, and himself. If he does that, in the meantime, workout, and buy new clothes that make you feel good about yourself, boost your self esteem. Know that it is something he has to work on. Perhaps he has some issues he hasn't told you about, or he doesn't know himself.

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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-24-2014, 02:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

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Originally Posted by Mr.Fisty View Post
He needs help to overcome his issues. He is programming himself to get off the visual stimulus of porn. Porn may be triggering his sexual drive. Works like a fetish somewhat, he is creating neurological pathways linking porn to his orgasm and stimulus. So when he looks at porn, he gets that dopamine rush stimulating him.

You feel betrayed because he invested his sexual energy elsewhere, and it does hurt your ego. Porn can offer too many different visual stimulus. He needs to own his own issues, and he needs to work on himself. He has to seek help if he cares enough about you, and himself. If he does that, in the meantime, workout, and buy new clothes that make you feel good about yourself, boost your self esteem. Know that it is something he has to work on. Perhaps he has some issues he hasn't told you about, or he doesn't know himself.

Thank you for the advice! I wish there was a way for me to help him but I know he has to want to help himself first. I am pregnant and I not complaining but I "need" him to be there for me. I need him to be his charming self. I have a lot of emotions and opinions about my body right now as it is and I wish I had more support from him instead of finding things like this. He doesn't pay much attention to me anymore, I have to ask him to rub my belly and "interact" with baby stuff and its upsetting.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-24-2014, 03:05 PM
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

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Thank you for the advice! I wish there was a way for me to help him but I know he has to want to help himself first. I am pregnant and I not complaining but I "need" him to be there for me. I need him to be his charming self. I have a lot of emotions and opinions about my body right now as it is and I wish I had more support from him instead of finding things like this. He doesn't pay much attention to me anymore, I have to ask him to rub my belly and "interact" with baby stuff and its upsetting.
How is his communication skills? How good is he at listening? Is he capable of being vulnerable to you? Most people don't want to face the issues that there is something wrong with them. They will deflect and avoid the issues, hoping it will go away. Does this sound like him? He will end conflict by ignoring it, brushing it off, or simply agreeing to end the conversation?

When your talking to him, be calm, cool, and collective. State your feelings. Hold his hands, look into his eyes. State that you are feeling rejected by him and it hurts your feelings. Tell him as your going through pregnancy, that you need his support and understanding. Ask him what is he feeling and and tell him to take his time to consider it. You will give him a couple days to analyze.

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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-24-2014, 09:49 PM
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

Sorry to hear that! Porn seems to be harmless but really toxic! If he can't prevent himself from viewing porn, he needs help for this issue. I wonder if you want to use some Internet filter for this issue, if so, Aobo Internet filter(http://www.remotespy.co/internet-filter.html) can block porn invisibly without his knowing, you can have a try. No spam, just an advice.

Last edited by JasonKaven; 05-07-2015 at 05:27 AM.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-28-2014, 04:28 AM
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

I can understand that you're upset, but are you sure he actually woke up early to look at porn? There could have been other reasons he woke up then... he didn't necessarily sneak out or around you to do this.

I'm not going to say he didn't "use porn", but are you sure that this is an problem so big to call it an addiction? Perhaps he was using his phone, did a search, and this video came up along a long, long list of other things, and he decided then to "check it out"... I mean, if I was going to sneak out of bed on my wife to look at porn, I would think I would want a screen bigger than a phone.

I don't know how safari works (I have a "smart" phone), but you could always check out the history, I'd assume, to find out if this is really the problem you are afraid it might be.

Check out some of his meds' side effects... perhaps this could also be an issue... If I could only "keep it up" for 5 or 10 minutes at a time, I know I would hate to disappoint my wife with that kind of a problem.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-29-2014, 10:37 AM
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

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Do you have trouble being aroused during sex if you feel you are squishing our unborn child between us that is likely awake and kicking around?
I'm not really sure that the way to get the truth out of someone is to give them a "fill in the blank" answer. That was obviously your issue, Badsanta, but doesn't mean it's issue for the OP's husband.

But even if it is, what did you do about the problem? Or did you two just not have sex the entire length of her pregnancy?

Also - I do feel some compulsion to point out that getting into a habit of watching porn on one's phone (intentional or accidental or whatever) is probably not really a wise habit to get into. The ready availability might inspire you to "take a peek" sometime when it's really inappropriate.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-29-2014, 05:39 PM
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

The first step is getting your husband to open up about it.

I agree with other posters that advise you to be calm and caring. I don't view it all the time but I sometimes binge. It is an addiction that I am working on breaking and when my wife can be calm and accepting of me, not my habit, it helps me greatly.

Open, fearless, compassionate conversation is key.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-09-2014, 03:54 PM
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

I know this subject a little too well. I know everyone and their relationships are different, but here's my experience along these same lines:

Hubby was put on a strong anti-depressant for anxiety. It caused many problems in our relationship (and I often wonder how many "relationship problems" have ADs involved). His libido decreased to practically nothing...then down to NOTHING. BUT, weirdly, he went through a phase of almost being addicted to porn (one month he discovered pay-per-view and we had $125 of porn on one month's bill. I put a password on the cable box, and the next month a dozen DVDs arrived at the house). This was shortly after getting the Rx in his system (also occurring at the same time, he pretty much turned into an alcoholic, with intense alcohol cravings). Not a good time for us!

Gradually, the movies were discarded (I don't really know how much he viewed them because he could barely operate the DVD player). He also bought magazines for awhile. I would get mad, saying that at least he could offer me a "service" while watching, but that never worked out (and I don't think he was masturbating--that's the weird thing). I sort of think he used porn while on ADs to show himself that he was still interested in sex even though he couldn't really do it (in addition to no and low-libido, the ADs can also cause sexual dysfunction--if he could manage an erection, it wouldn't be hard enough and could barely ejaculate).

Just writing all that to show you that ADs can really mess with a person's brain--thinking, wiring, all kinds of stuff. My hubby pretty much became an apathetic, alcoholic zombie on his meds. He couldn't care about much of anything! He'd been a momma's boy as a kid, but while his elderly mother was dying in a nursing home--several states away near his sister--he couldn't be bothered to call her very often (once every 4-6 weeks!). No one understood it at the time, but it was how numb he was while on that med!

Something happened last year that resulted in me figuring out the role the med played in his downward spiral (8 yrs worth!). We started weaning him off (VERY SLOWLY--removing "beads" inside the capsules, a few more every few weeks), and at about 50% off, he said he could feel a fog lifting from his brain and he told me he was embarrassed by the things he remembered doing/saying to others--that it hadn't been him....not who he was. We had all kinds of relationship issues (why I found this site). He's 75% off the med now (he had to pause awhile to let his brain adjust to the new "rawness" of emotions) and slowing coming on down off it. We're determined to have him med-free. Sex hasn't really returned yet (I've entered menopause and don't care much anymore after the last 8 yrs), BUT he says he can feel some desires again (and a little fooling around--more than before).

That's probably more than you want to know, but maybe it'll help someone else who's searching for info about anti-depressants, libido, and porn, etc. SSRIs probably cause more trouble than they prevent. He didn't stop having anxiety--he just didn't care as much if he did. He feels MUCH better now that he's almost off it.

One thing I remember reading about it--SSRIs can impact dopamine, the neurotransmitter involved in feelings of love, etc. If he has decreased dopamine, he needs the constant hits of novel activities or new stimuli to increase his dopamine levels--porn (with a different woman), risky behavior (flirting, affairs, etc.), drinking, etc.

Good luck to you!
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-17-2014, 05:55 PM
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

I feel you. I'm also a WOPA and same here I found out about my husband's porn addiction on his computer history. It was the biggest blow to me and my family. We had to go through several separations for two years! He's currently under GreatnessAhead and he only seeked help when I told him I wanted a divorce. Don't you ever think that you're lacking because of his addiction, and don't ever believe him even if he tells you so. Porn addicts will always rationalize. You should talk to him and demand that he should seek help. It's normal for guys to watch porn but if it already causes issues on the intimacy and your sex life then it may be considered an addiction. No matter how we fully support them if they don't firmly decide to get rid of their addiction, everything will be useless. Best of luck hun.
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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-12-2015, 04:35 AM
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

I feel sorry about you. First, I suggest you two have a deep talk with each other in a comfortable environment , state your thoughts and listen to his inner idea. Just be calm ,be calm and not argue with each other. The second is that you should reduce the websites your husband may encounter, the best way is to install an filter software on your computer then you can block some porn URLs when your husband is online ,this can reduce the motivation in part. I think the Aobo Filter is good enough and hope you can get through this plight. The last but the most important is that you should take good care of yourself for you are having a baby.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-12-2015, 12:15 PM
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

Damn it.... Fooled by a zombie thread see below.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 06-12-2015 at 05:26 PM. Reason: Zombie thread
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-12-2015, 05:02 PM
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

Dead thread.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-14-2015, 12:15 PM
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Re: Porn Is Destroying My Relationship

Zombie Thread

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