I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done. - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-06-2015, 04:43 PM Thread Starter
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I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

My husband and I have been together for about 6 years and married 3.5 of those. We have two children together ages 3 and 16 months. My drinking has become a real problem since our 16mo was born. My husband is in the Army and we made our first move a month before I was due. I don't know if it was the lack of support or isolation, but when my son was about a month old I started drinking after him and his brother would go to bed. At first it wasn't a big deal. My husband knew I was stressed and suffering from postpartum depression and he did what he could to help me with that. But then it just continued to get worse. Instead of hard cider or wine I was drinking vodka, then I switched to whiskey and I was drinking about 1/3 of a fifth a night. I have gone to a partial hospitalization program before (being in classes, therapy, group therapy for 7 hours a day and going home at night) and felt so accomplished when I finished, but it didn't take a month before I was back drinking. My husband and I separated a month ago and he stayed at home while the kids and I moved back to stay with my parents for the duration of it. I have an assessment to get into an inpatient rehab tomorrow and since I've been here I have been very serious about staying sober and my recovery but I have fallen off the wagon once. My husband told me last night that he is done. That he loves me but he doesn't want to live the rest of his life like we have lived this past year. I understand that, but I want to reconcile. I want to beat this and him see that I can do it and us stay together. Maybe that's a stretch. I don't know. I know how much he still loves me but everyone has their breaking point. First and foremost I want to get sober for me, but it is also for my family.

I guess I just want to ask. Other than rehab, therapy, and AA meetings what are some other steps that those who are married to alcoholics, recovering alcoholics, or divorced from alcoholics would like to see/have seen/or would have liked to see from your husband or wife to prove they are serious about recovery? I want to do all I can to get sober, stay sober, and prove to my husband I'm still the woman he fell in love with somewhere in there.
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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-06-2015, 04:57 PM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

Why do you keep falling off the wagon? Until you figure that out (with help), your husband has no reason to expect the next dry spell will be any more permanent than the last one.

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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-06-2015, 05:39 PM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

Get in rehab and prove to yourself, first and foremost, that you can kick this monkey off of your back. That, in and of itself, will prove to your H, as well as anybody else that knowsabout it, that while you made a serious and detrimental decision in life, that you had the guts to successfully deal with it, complete it, and kick it!

I'll be fastly praying for your success, my dear!

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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-06-2015, 05:52 PM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

To prove anything, that takes time to show. He is going to have to work through the betrayal of you picking alcohol over him and the children. Alcohol came before the health of your family and since he is not an alcoholic, it is something that he cannot fathom. You can only hope that education can help give him some understanding.

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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-06-2015, 10:04 PM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

I am married to an alcoholic. My feelings for him are gone. He is trying to rekindle them, but has not totally quit drinking. I guess it depends on the amount of damage done. I have over twenty years of neglect and damage to overcome. It does not sound like you and your husband have as long of a history.

Firstly, you are doing everything you can. You have admitted to the problem, and are getting as much help as you can to overcome it. Admitting to it is big! Your husband needs to trust in you. He needs to trust that you will not revert back. That could take time. It is a scary thing to trust again, especially when the well being of your children are involved.

You also need to understand that he does not owe you forgiveness, love, or reconciliation. You have done the damage here. It is not on his shoulders to forgive and forget. It is on your shoulders to prove to him that you are deserving of forgiveness, and you need to understand that may be all he is capable of. He may not be able to love you again. Do not get angry with him, or blame him if he cannot feel love again.

This, ultimately, is about you. You have to do this for yourself. You need to kick this so you can have the best life for yourself. If your husband manages to feel love and you reconcile, that is great. It, however, should not be why you are doing this.

I wish you all the best. Your kids need you. Do this for yourself, do this for them. Life has so much to offer.
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-07-2015, 02:38 PM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

First of all, I am so excited for you for going to rehab. I went 2 years ago and it changed my life. I have never been happier or felt more comfortable in my skin. My husband and I are still married and doing really well. I think as far as earning trust back, it will take time and continuous action on your part. Notice I didn't say words. Our families have heard it all before and you can't blame them for not trusting us. Let me ask you a question. Did you work a 12 step program when you got out.( go to meetings, get a sponsor, works the steps etc.) My guess is no. I look at leaving rehab as being giving a life boat with a tiny hole in it. Eventually you run out of air if you're not actively working a daily program of recovery. That's the bad news. The good news is there is hope for people like us. We do recover. We just have to keep doing the work, and over time it gets easier. I promise.You need to do this for yourself. Just focus on today and doing the next right thing, and I promise you will be amazed at the results. Good luck. I'm rooting for you!!
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-07-2015, 02:47 PM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

Get sober first, worry about the marriage later on. You have two children that need a mom who is going to be around a long time. Maybe your husband sees this and wants to be there.

Stop complaining about what you don't have...start enjoying what you do have.
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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2015, 08:32 AM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

Alcoholism is a terrible thing. Many people associate it with homeless 'whinos' swigging cider all day long.
But in reality it cuts across all social groups.

If the alcoholic is a husband/wife, mother/father it affects the whole family. Mummy is too drunk to read the children a story, daddy is too drunk to play football with them etc.

If one parent is an alcoholic it is a 'family' problem. Whats that film with Meg Ryan?...her husband is an airline pilot, she is an alcoholic? Very sad film.

Brandi...I really feel for you and your husband...but ultimately it is up to YOU...accepting you have a problem and coming on here to talk about it is already a huge step forwards.
But you HAVE to continue fighting the curse....See a counselor, take your husband....ask your husband to help you through this...stop drinking but you must also go to AA etc, just as Meg Ryan did in the film.... If you do not go to AA etc you will simply be an alcoholic that has stopped drinking.
AA etc is part of the healing process.

If you don't get a grip you will lose your husband and your children. Why? For a bottle of Jack Daniels?

Please......ask for and accept all the help you can get....then accept it with open arms. Its your call.

Last edited by askari; 02-09-2015 at 08:34 AM. Reason: ** When a man loves a woman **!!!!
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2015, 08:43 AM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

My wife was drinking and becoming abusive to me and the kids.
When I had enough I told her to stop drinking or I would divorce her.
She stopped cold and hasn't touched it since.
I made it a point not to drink when in her company when out for dinner or with friends.

If you truly love your husband and don't want to lose him and destroy your life, just stop. It's a choice.
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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2015, 08:55 AM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

Its an addiction...many people can't 'just stop', they need help and support. But yes, the abuser has to want to stop his/herself.
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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-10-2015, 11:26 PM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

I'm sober for almost 3 months now. Me and my wife always quarrel because of my alcohol problem. The only thing that made difference on my situation is that my wife didn't give up on me despite of my wrongdoings. The reasons why I quit are the consequences alcohol affects to my health and the damage it cause to our relationship. I completely becoming a different person. There's a lot of distractions and temptation involved on my recovery and a relative discussed about therapies offered on numerous alcohol recovery rehabilitation that could help me concentrate.(I made a link to serve an example of a treatment that discussed to me). What you need now is to focus yourself on your recovery then you can resolve other issues. Forgive yourself and start a new life. This will give you a healthy recovery and when you feel giving up remind yourself why you started and remember these people who's waiting for you. Good luck to you.
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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-12-2015, 07:27 PM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

You would wait until your kids went to bed before you would start drinking... did your husband ever drink with you, or were you drinking alone?
I can't say your intake is particularly "bad" ("about 1/3 of a fifth a night" is equal in alcohol to a regular bottle of dry red wine), and don't see why you couldn't just outright leave it behind you if it is the problem you feel it to be.

You mentioned that your husband is in the army. I'm figuring that you guys live on base. How much of this problem is related to that, and the restricted social scene that comes with it? The move could have been a problem, too.

My biggest question or concern lies here: you are (or were) drinking a small binge daily, yet you don't mention once how this changed your behavior, or what the negative economic, social, or even family consequences were.

Why did you start to feel bad about your drinking?

I just feel that there's a lot more to what's bothering you than going to bed feeling guilty (and a little tipsy, perhaps) from drinking the equivalent of a bottle of wine every night.
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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-12-2015, 07:40 PM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HuggyBear View Post
You would wait until your kids went to bed before you would start drinking... did your husband ever drink with you, or were you drinking alone?
I can't say your intake is particularly "bad" ("about 1/3 of a fifth a night" is equal in alcohol to a regular bottle of dry red wine), and don't see why you couldn't just outright leave it behind you if it is the problem you feel it to be.

You mentioned that your husband is in the army. I'm figuring that you guys live on base. How much of this problem is related to that, and the restricted social scene that comes with it? The move could have been a problem, too.

My biggest question or concern lies here: you are (or were) drinking a small binge daily, yet you don't mention once how this changed your behavior, or what the negative economic, social, or even family consequences were.

Why did you start to feel bad about your drinking?

I just feel that there's a lot more to what's bothering you than going to bed feeling guilty (and a little tipsy, perhaps) from drinking the equivalent of a bottle of wine every night.
I had the same questions. If the OP feels this is way too much for her to be drinking and that makes her an alcoholic, I respect that, especially if it is negatively affecting her relationships. I'm just confused about her drinking "later" in the day and the amount not really being typical for an alcoholic.
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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-12-2015, 08:04 PM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

"I guess I just want to ask. Other than rehab, therapy, and AA meetings what are some other steps that those who are married to alcoholics, recovering alcoholics, or divorced from alcoholics would like to see/have seen/or would have liked to see from your husband or wife to prove they are serious about recovery? I want to do all I can to get sober, stay sober, and prove to my husband I'm still the woman he fell in love with somewhere in there."

You wish to prove something that is false. You aren't the woman he married. You weren't addicted to alcohol when he married you but now you are. Perhaps someday you may be the woman he married but you aren't and you haven't been for at least 15 months. There's no guarantee or even any real clue that you ever will be. You have some intention but that's all it is.
Your husband's primary duty is to responsibly care for a 3 year old and a 16 month old. Even if he wished to risk everything else to stay with you, it'd be irresponsible of him to risk their safety and welfare.
Your major problem isn't to figure out how to convince him that you've changed. Your major problem is whether you can run your life or alcohol or some other drug will. He has to do what he deems best for himself and the kids. Whether he stays or goes, you're still an alcoholic. You probably always will be. Whether you drink tomorrow or not is up to you. Whether your addiction defines and rules your life and ruins every future job and personal relationship depends on whether you drink or not. He has no control over that. He's tried separation. That didn't work. You've tried the outpatient rehab route. That didn't work. Kids and babies die every day because they have an addicted parent. As much as he loves you and would like for this to work, I wouldn't advise him to leave his kids in an unsafe situation. He can find another wife easily enough. He can't bring kids back from the dead and he can't give them their formative years back. Lots of folks are screwed up for life because they were raised by a drunk or a druggie. My heart breaks for your pain and addiction but it fears for your kids. There is no way in life I would deploy to combat or spend weeks away at training, leaving my kids in the care of a drunk or a druggie. Sorry if that hurts, but I just wouldn't take the risk. Can't imagine how he separated from you for a month but let you take the kids with you. PLEASE get help before one or both of those babies pays the price.
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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-13-2015, 12:24 AM
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Re: I'm an alcoholic. Husband says he's done.

OP - there's been some new studies on addiction:

The Real Cause of Addiction

"The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it is human connection."

Would your husband be willing to go to MC? Are you in IC as well?
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