I fully understand what you are going through. Just a few years ago i remarried for the second time. While we were dating my husband would drink what seemed to be socially to me. Not long after we married the drinking was heavier than what i had imagined. I caught him sneaking hard alcohol in the basement, and taking extra drinks before we would go out for the evening. It has gotten worse in a very short amount of time. He spends about $500 a month on alcohol. My husband had a wonderful sense of humor but over the past year i can honestly say he has been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to me, mainly because of the alcohol and i don't find much about him appleaing anymore. I did not want this in my life either. He has ruined us emotionally and financially over his denial and lying about what he does. I recently gave him an ultimatium, the drinking either stops or our marriage does. I will not go under emotionally or financially because "he" has unresolved issues. I told him i would go through counseling with him, and see where that leads our marriage, but i feel i am the only one that can control my destiny and happiness at this point. You deserve the same in your life too.
Note: The following is my personal opinion only, supported fully by my own experience.
As has been mentioned several times in this thread.....finding an Al-Anon group and attending meetings can be a great relief for someone who's living with an alcoholic. Some Al-Anon meetings (just like AA meetings) tend to be populated with people who are still living in the problem. Find another meeting until you find a group populated with people who are doing the work and living the way as prescribed in the Al-Anon and AA literature. Get a sponsor. Work the 12 steps thoroughly. Peace, joy and happiness like you've never known ARE possible even in your current situation(s).
Now, on to my own wealth of experience...alcoholism itself. It is a disease. Many people (myself included in the past) pay lip service to this statement - "it's a disease" - but it truly is one. Once I came to understand that fully, I was able to recover. Many problem drinkers feel that they can somehow get control of it, that someday they'll figure it out and drink like normal, or they'll quit altogether. They find that they cannot. Without getting too wordy....here are a handful of links that explain it more fully:
In my own experience, I would promise to quit....it was affecting my professional life, my personal life, my self esteem, and destroying my marriage and family. I could see this. Everybody could see this. I was earnest to my core when making these promises....and yet I would find myself unable to keep it. It took the realization on my own that I couldn't go on like this anymore (by being beaten down to the point of being ready to give up my life by alcohol) that got me to seek help (again). It was when the principles above were explained to me that I understood that there was a reason I could never keep those promises - because I had a disease of the mind, body and spirit that made keeping such a promise impossible. I wasn't a bad person, or a weak man....though I'd done bad things and hurt people in every area of my life.
Understanding it this way.....and going to AA meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps as described in the big book of AA I have been able to recover from alcoholism. It has become part of my life and I experience and enjoy life on a level that I never, ever thought possible. Maintaining that recovery is a matter of living by a set of basic spiritual principles as defined in the AA literature. I'd invite anyone who's interested to read it. The entire book is available online. The first 164 pages are widely considered to be the 'solution to alcoholism'.
My denial of trouble with my husband's drinking has finally come to the light. You can read my last thread to see how things have progressed the the last month. I came home after being separated for 3 weeks with him promising to 1. stop drinking completely, and 2. we would go see a counselor.
We had a really good discussion/argument about our specific feelings/hurts regarding the last 3 years of marriage. I heard from him some specific things that I needed to work on, and I was able to convey to him how his drinking made me feel. He honestly thinks he doesn't have a problem. I pointed out the monthly blackouts in memory, driving after a few drinks/or drunk, being drunk 2-3 times a week and us having no emotionally intimate relationship. He at this point told me that he heard what I was saying, but truly feels that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol.
He said that he would wait until we met with the counselor and then he would start drinking beer again. I am at loss of what to do. We met with the counselor today, and he verbalized again that this was his intention. I don't know what to do...on one hand we are seeing someone about helping our marriage. On the other, he is violating his word (which he rarely does) by starting to drink again.
Should I rethink my stipulations and just wait/watch to see what happens? Or should I pack my stuff again and leave? He does not think he has a problem, and I know that NOTHING I say/do will make up his mind to change...I can only fix myself, but I am married to this man and commitment does mean everything. I don't want to watch him slowly kill himself, and our relationship because he "doesn't think he has a problem."
My head says you are right, but my heart wants to hold on. Strange how most things in life are like this. He has yet to start back to drinking, but to quote him "its just something I do." It is only a matter of time, but I have to keep trying and wait it out to see what happens. The boundaries is VERY stark...if he drinks, I leave. I wish it didn't have to be an ultimatum...
I know. You can have compassion for him and yet detach from him. My mother lived with an alcoholic for OMG, a million years, so I know what it is like. She detached but stayed. I would have gladly lived through a divorce and having less money to get away from him. I still harbor some resentment that she didn't leave and take us away from the situation. He *may* have had a chance then. Instead, we all suffered.
It is true...I've watched friends/co-workers around me in similar situations and I do not want to be like them and their marriage after staying with an alcoholic for 20+ years. I don't want to watch him slowly kill his health. I don't want to bring children into this. I don't want to watch our marriage fall apart because of addiction. I want to salvage the love that remains right now and move forward toward healing.
I've told him all this, and he still doesn't see it. He will have to hit rock-bottom before he decides that hiding the hurt/stress/pain of life with alcohol doesn't work...and I am not going to sleep in the same bed and watch him hit the bottom. Hopefully he will stop drinking for me...but that is a little unrealistic.
The crazy thing is that this addiction has cause multiple other problems too. No communication, emotional intimacy or friendship. He doesn't see this. I picked him up after he dropped off his car (non-emergent) this AM, (I work 7p-7a shifts) and he proceeded to talk on his phone trying to find parts, and sitting silently the whole way home...even after I tried to initiate conversation, I got a one-word answer. It really pissed me off. Here we are giving this relationship a try again, and when he asked me what was wrong when we finally got home and I was pretty pissed at this point...I told him (usually I use the "nothing" or "i'm tired" excuse because I don't want to argue). I told him that I felt he was insensitive to my feelings and being a little bit of an a**hole to not say more than one word to me and then talk on his phone all the way home after I went out of my way to pick him up with one of his errands. He stammered about four words and then said "F**k you!" and left.
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I know I could have approached him better, but come on...be an adult. It doesn't take that much to communicate, just ask how the other persons day was...how they are feeling...if they are tired or hungry or etc. Sorry for the vent...but thanks for reading.
I have been looking all over the net for awhile and finally found this site! I thought that I was all alone in this situation. I am 26 y/o and have been married 3 months. My husband and I were college sweethearts. We lived together for 3 years before we married. He is in the medical field and was taught all about alcoholism and drinking, yet he still does it. Just like the rest of you have said "he thinks he doesnt have a problem." He works night shift from 7p-7a about 3 or 4 nights a week. I work 5 days a week from 8a-4:30p. If he has a day off, I come home to him usually still alseep or laying on the couch watching tv. He RARELY does ANY house work. I take the dogs outside( we have 3), cut the grass, trim the hedges, power wash the house, paint, and all the inside chores as well. Occasionally he will weed-eat or "do a load" of laundry. That basically consists of him putting about 3 items in the washer and leaving it sit to mildew for 2 or 3 days until it is time for me to wash larger loads. He will lay on the couch until I have supper cooked (which is usually a fight in itself b/c he doesnt "like" the choices for dinner). He will come get his plate and go bcak to the living room to eat. I sit in the kitchen at the island. He will lay on the couch the rest of the evening until I go to bed. Then he will move into the floor, turn on the XBOX and grab his 1.75 of whiskey, the chaser (usually an energy drink), his can of skoal and play until about 4 or 5 in the morning. Then he pours himself into bed (if he doesnt pass out in the living room) and try to talk to me, usually he doesnt make since, or try to have sex with me or something else equally annoying at 5am considering that I get up at 6am for work. Then the next morning will start all over again repeating what happened the previous day and night. When he goes to work, I am happier and feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I am beginning to detest him. I love him more than anything and want our marriage to work. All of our parents are divorced.
If we go out, I will not drink more when we get home b/c it is usually late at night. He will stay up like he is a teenager and do the nightly game deal. We have season tickets to the football games of the univeristy here but i dont want to go with him. If he just drinks beer then he is fun to be around, when the liquor starts it goes down hill soo fast. He turns into a totally diffferent person and I am embarrassed to be seen with him when he acts like that. He says that he wouldnt drink if we did more things together, but when i try to do those things he doesnt want too. If i leave to go to the gym, he says that I leave him alone and he gets bored so he drinks.
We are newly weds and have only have sex about 5 times in three months. This is not normal for 26 y/o newlyweds i know! I feel like i am truly beginning to hate him and I dont want to. I want this to work but I truly do see that he will ever admit that he has a problem.
Sorry this is soo long, it is my first time on here and I had a lot to get out
Hello. I am in the same situation but I haven't slept with my husband for years. I just can't get past the smell and really the sex isn't what it used to be. We have been married for 10 years and his whole life seems to be about his motorcycle, making and drinking beer and doing his own thing. I barely feel like we are married at all. We have and 8 eight year old daughter together that is the light of my life. I have mentioned the drinking to him on several occasions, but as you said with your husband, he just gets all angry and pissy and can't recall the conversation the next day. It sucks! I am only working part time so I can't afford to give him the "quit or we are leaving" talk just now so I just put up with it. Don't get me wrong I do still love him it just seems that there is so much between us that there is barely an us anymore. It makes me very sad. The house also smells like crap, literally, his liver isn't working the way that it should anymore. I have talked to him about that too but he just says that I am lying and goes and takes a shower and rinses his mouth with mouthwash. That smell altogether almost makes me feel like vomiting. Sad but true. I hope that you can work things out! Good luck. Remember that you are important too!! Sometimes I think that we forget that because we are trying to "fix" everything and we seem to put ourselves aside to get it done. I just think that the are are some journeys that can't be shared but we continue to hang on because we still love them. Again good luck. Love and light...
Couple of years, depending on other health issues. Acute liver failure often results in an arterial aneurysm in the esophagus if the drinker really pounds it down. A bit slower and the cause of death can be liver failure, kidney failure, stroke, throat cancer. But it all depends. By grandmother was a chain smoking drunk and a drug addict till age 80 when an aortic dissection killed her. My cousin dropped dead from alcoholism at 25.
I know the feeling, I'm married to an alcoholic. I'm 38 years old and have been with my husband for going on 22 years on July 1, 2011. But I have been separated for a year and a half. Once a week I go and visit my husband at the house and I take our 15 year old son over to stay for a week or two. We have a 17 year old daughter as well, she doesn't like her father because of the way he's treated her in the past. She say's he's never been like a father, he's more like a mean brother who picks on her all of the time which is very true. My husband has been a fulfledged alcoholic for 25 years straight, he wakes drinking and goes to bed drinking. It's no fun living with an alcoholic, he can keep a job and work just fine because his body is so used to being wasted it's the way he is. But his blackouts and his loss of memory has really hurt the family. If he stops his drinking he will have dt's and it will cause death. I have done alot of reading about alcoholism and it's an awful thing a family has to live with. I'm verbally abused as well as the children, the mental scaring it has caused is severe and it's like being stabbed over and over again. It causes anger amongst the entire family including the alcoholic. I hope that things get better for you and your family. He will always get pissy with you and it's very hard to get through to an alcoholic. They will never listen, all they want to do is drag you down with them. I really do feel for you, I know how much it hurts. It's so sad to have to live your life this way, I truely know because I've lived it for 22 years. Your best bet is to separate from him even though you love him. I love my husband very much and I can't do anything but keep a distance and pray for him. He says I hurt him, but the truth is he's hurt me and the children and I don't think the scars will ever heal.
My husband has been a fulfledged alcoholic for 25 years straight, he wakes drinking and goes to bed drinking. It's no fun living with an alcoholic, he can keep a job and work just fine because his body is so used to being wasted it's the way he is. But his blackouts and his loss of memory has really hurt the family. If he stops his drinking he will have dt's and it will cause death. I have done alot of reading about alcoholism and it's an awful thing a family has to live with.
I'm verbally abused as well as the children, the mental scaring it has caused is severe and it's like being stabbed over and over again. It causes anger amongst the entire family including the alcoholic. I hope that things get better for you and your family. He will always get pissy with you and it's very hard to get through to an alcoholic. They will never listen, all they want to do is drag you down with them. I really do feel for you, I know how much it hurts. It's so sad to have to live your life this way, I truely know because I've lived it for 22 years. Your best bet is to separate from him even though you love him. I love my husband very much and I can't do anything but keep a distance and pray for him. He says I hurt him, but the truth is he's hurt me and the children and I don't think the scars will ever heal.
Yep, I will have been married 22 years this coming May. This past July my husband started drinking. In August he went to detox/rehab and by October he was drinking again. End of November I moved out with the kids and got my own apartment with them.
My husband doesn't work. Over the summer, he almost destroyed our family business and stopped working altogether this past November. After Thanksgiving he went to live in his father's house with the idea of taking care of his 90 year old invalid father. Then his father died in his sleep this past January so now he lives off the money his father left him. He sits on the porch drinking and smoking constantly, from dawn until he falls asleep. He's already fallen and knocked himself out once. If he stops drinking he gets sick and panic stricken so he's physically addicted as well. He functions well enough in that he keeps the house clean and does errands but his days are othewise spent napping and puttering around the house. He feels he has "earned" the right to be this way and blames me for everything that has happened. If we start to talk about the "situation" the verbal abuse comes fast and furious so now I avoid talking to him about anything serious.
Everything you say is true. I can't imagine having gone through this for 25 years. The last 9 months were enough. I see my husband regularly and he's pleasant enough as long as we don't have any deep conversations. I tried "dating" him and having fun with him but it didn't work so now I keep our visits short and sweet. I only call when it concerns our son or my stopping over his house for an errand.
He sees my 13 year old son every weekend. My 16 year old daughter wants nothing to do with him. I'm just glad I was able to get a place of my own and get my kids out of the nightmare we were living in. It's a blessed relief to be free of it and my kids and I live peacefully in our own place. My husband doesn't like to come to my apartment because I don't want him to sit outside and drink and smoke like he does at his house.
I don't know what will happen to my husband. He says he will do rehab "when he is ready". I've given up on trying to get him to go. Part of me has no hope that it'll do anything lasting anyway.
One thing you learn quickly is that there is no helping an alcoholic. You can only save yourself by putting as much distance between him and you. They have to help themselves and from what I've seen a lot never do. I still love my husband but I have no hope that he'll ever get better.
And you're right. It's no fun living with an alcoholic. In the beginning we actually did have some good times but in the last few months the light in his eyes has faded and the man who enjoyed life so much is fading away. I feel like Padme watching Anakin Skywalker turning into Darth Vader.
I can really relate to what many of you are saying and feeling. My husband is a high functioning alcoholic. He is completely detached from his family. He is completely non-communicative about anything of substance, choosing rather to share a funny commercial with me or tell me the latest sale items at the store. He is hard-working, quiet, and typically not combative, preferring instead to drink himself into oblivion every night then stagger to bed. We've been married 8 years and I feel like he is a total stranger. There is no more intimacy, no friendship. He comes home, talks about something trivial or nothing at all, then sits down and watches old movies and drinks. We have a son and I feel like my husband doesn't spend any time with him. Lately I've becoming more and more resentful, bitter, angry. We've fought the last few days and I said a lot of mean, hateful things, many of which I feel bad about but at the same time I do feel that way. I know I'm not a bad person, but this relationship is toxic to me, bringing out so much hurt and disapointment and the worst in me. I asked him to move out for a while and he said no. I feel so trapped, and am worried that my son will grow up resentful and become an alcoholic. I keep hearing from you folks that "I didn't sign up for this". That's what I've been thinking for years. I went to a counselor, but I don't think it helped. My husband really doesn't think there is a problem. I wish I knew what the right thing was for my son who is so young - to stop expecting from this guy and go on with my life the best I can, or leave. If I leave, then my son will be stuck with him every other week I'm sure, and that would be unhealthy too, as his dad will just ignore him and stick him in front of the TV until it is bedtime so he can drink away.