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Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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Old 10-13-2008, 01:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Functioning Alcoholic

I am 39, and have been together with my husband for 20 yrs, married for 14 with 2 wonderful children. I always said I never want to marry an alcoholic, and turns out I did. When we were younger and dating of course we would go out and drink, but I feel like I grew up and he didn't. He runs his own business, so he is usually at the bar by 3pm, home by 5 and continues to drink from there. He is not abusive when he drinks, it is when he isn't drinking he is impatient, tempermental and argumentive. I actually prefer him with a couple beers under his belt as he is happier and more interactive with the kids when he drinks, but it doesn't stop at a couple. Then there is the other thing, because he drinks, his lovemaking has become very sloppy where he turns me off before he can turn me on, and I can't wait for it to be over.

He likes to stay home and I like to go out. We don't really do to much together, and I find myself enjoying attention from other men when I go out with friends...and it scares me because I am enjoying too much these days. I had a guy kiss me the other day when out with friends and although I stopped it, it sent a rush through my body that I haven't felt in years and I feel guilty just thinking about it and what could have been. I could never cheat on my husband, but I don't know what or where to go from here. And yes, I have mentioned his drinking and sex issues to him, but when I try to talk to him when he is sober so he gets pissy about it, and when he is drinking he doesn't remember about it the next day.

I don't know what I hope to get out of this forum, maybe just some insight from others. I just feel ripped off, cause when I signed my marriage certificate, this isn't what I signed up for.
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Old 10-13-2008, 02:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
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This is a common issue. Alcoholics normally get the DTs while drying out. They wan what hey don't have. You are enabling the issue. If he gave up alcohol you'd have issues for the next six months. It is hard. I saw what my father in law went through, I saw how he changed, and saw what it did to the family.

Look up alanon (sp) for support.

Get marriage counciling, first yourself, then couples.

Set boundries and write a contract with you husband to what you want.

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Last edited by draconis; 10-14-2008 at 12:21 AM.
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Old 10-13-2008, 02:17 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I read your post and your marriage sounds so much like my own but the difference is, I've only been married for 6yrs. My husband is a sports fanatic, I mean REALLY fanatic, its as if he has money invested or is actually a physical participant. When his teams are losing, he is angry, depressed, and self loathing. I have gotten to the point where I don't even sleep in our bedroom anymore, not for the last 2yrs. He goes out drinking most fridays after work and sometimes I meet up with him but most times I don't because depending on what season it is like right now we've started football season and baseball season is coming to an end (his team is not in the post season). Anyway, we can't seem to hang out together, I always end up leaving because he gets very angry, loud, aggressive when he drinks, that's not to say that he isn't that way when he doesn't drink when it comes to sports. I feel like I'm in this marriage by myself. We have a child, she is 5yrs and I have 3 teenagers from a previous marriage, but only 1 of them still live with us. She's 17 and she helps alot with her sister after school because I work full time. My house is always in turmoil and when its not we're waiting for something to happen. My husband and I fight constantly about money and sports and kids there isn't anything that we don't fight about. I love him and I want to try to work through our problems but I'm at my wits end. I don't know if this websight is right for me and maybe I just need someone to talk to that is going through the same things. I'm just so unhappy and so confused.
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Old 10-13-2008, 02:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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disillusioned--
you said:

>>>>>"I am 39, and have been together with my husband for 20 yrs, married for 14 with 2 wonderful children. I always said I never want to marry an alcoholic, and turns out I did. When we were younger and dating of course we would go out and drink, but I feel like I grew up and he didn't. He runs his own business, so he is usually at the bar by 3pm, home by 5 and continues to drink from there. He is not abusive when he drinks, it is when he isn't drinking he is impatient, tempermental and argumentive. I actually prefer him with a couple beers under his belt as he is happier and more interactive with the kids when he drinks, but it doesn't stop at a couple. Then there is the other thing, because he drinks, his lovemaking has become very sloppy where he turns me off before he can turn me on, and I can't wait for it to be over."<<<<

i'm sure the sexual result to your husband's drinking is more common than you know...y'know when i was drinking, i used to have this fear...it goes like this: what is going to happen when i retire? am i gonna be drinking all the time? because it seemed like that's what i did with my free time. so instead i left myself NO free time, consequentially no free time with my family, which my wife resented...i replaced drinking with work, became a workaholic, did the same with fitness for about a year, became a gym rat...thing is, your husband (if he's like the rest of us ALCOHOLICS) will not listen if you tell him your concerns...we've learned to lie to ourselves about our problem pretty good...he's gonna have to hit his bottom to see how bad it is...have you given him the ultimatum? you'll only do that when it's gotten bad, so maybe you haven't...give him the opportunity to get help...be prepared by having literature to present to him...but dude is heading for a major life crash...i believe...

and:

>>>>"I don't know what I hope to get out of this forum, maybe just some insight from others. I just feel ripped off, cause when I signed my marriage certificate, this isn't what I signed up for.<<<<

of course yoiu didn't sign up for alcoholism...but remember what you DID sign up for: sickness and health, ok...he's sick, and you are going to be too...remember this...it's an insidious disease...one that's gonna make you say "oh, no...that's not us"...until one day it IS you... good luck, you've come to the right place...

NOTE: see the above two posts? draconis and sparkle were both posting as i was writing, i didn't see them before i wrote this...sound similar???
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Last edited by voivod; 11-14-2008 at 11:57 AM. Reason: added last paragraph
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Old 10-13-2008, 03:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Yah, I know all about the sport fanatic thing "Sparkle" I think I get beat out by it a lot of the time. I too didn't sleep in our bed for a couple of months, partially because when he drinks, he snores so bad that I can't sleep, and I was hoping that when he asked why, and I did tell him why, that maybe he would make an effort.

Although, I don't think hubby see himself as an alcoholic, Voivod because all his friends do it right? My father was an abusive alcoholic and my bother is too mixed in with drugs, so I am not totally unfamiliar with it. I realize it is a sickness, but I just thought at this stage of my life, we would be enjoying life, family, intimacy, and dreams....and quite honestly I think you guys now know more about me than he ever did or does. I do agree with Draconis, I am going to talk to a counsellor...the whole thing is just scary and sad.
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Old 10-13-2008, 04:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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disillusioned--
you said:

>>>>>"Although, I don't think hubby see himself as an alcoholic, Voivod because all his friends do it right? My father was an abusive alcoholic and my bother is too mixed in with drugs, so I am not totally unfamiliar with it. I realize it is a sickness, but I just thought at this stage of my life, we would be enjoying life, family, intimacy, and dreams....and quite honestly I think you guys now know more about me than he ever did or does. I do agree with Draconis, I am going to talk to a counsellor...the whole thing is just scary and sad."

you say it this stage in your life, you'd be enjoying life, family, intimacy, dreams...i assume you mean you're NOT enjoying those things now...right??? those are things that are being set aside for alcohol use??? that's pretty close to symptomatic...i'm no expert...but if you DO see counseling, say that out loud and see what comes of it, ok. maybe a precurser to a counselor would be for you to say those things to your husband...
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Old 10-13-2008, 07:45 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I'm also married to a high functional alcoholic for 22 years-he goes to work everyday, stops at the package store 6 days aweek, and comes home and doesn't go out but drinks in this garage. He never yells or has never touched me. Does alittle work outside then comes it at 7 and watches tv downstairs alone for an hour then takes a shower and either passes out in his chair or watches tv. I sleep in the spare room and have 90% of the time. We are not intimitate. He is what you call a closet drinker as he only drinks in the house when I go to bed, then he sneaks down stairs and has a drink. He has no friends. All of his family has passed on, even his twin sister died of alcoholism. We have gone to counseling together about 12 times, then he said it was a waste of time. But the real reason is that he can't wait to go home and drink. I've gone to counseling alone about 20 times, been to alan-on 38 times. Read more books on alcoholism then I can remember. I've been depressed to many times too remember. And the bottom line is you can talk yourself to death as they won't change unless THEY want to. I also tell him that when he drinks I treat him as a stranger, you are not the person I mairred and loved, I don't love your disease, and I don't have to be nice to your disease. Remember it's there disease not ours. The only thing they love is there alcohol. The only piece I have found is to go on without him, although I still live in the house.
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Old 10-13-2008, 08:32 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by frenchysue View Post
The only thing they love is there alcohol. The only piece I have found is to go on without him, although I still live in the house.

careful with the "they." maybe you should say "he." because i don't LOVE alcohol, i HATE IT...i wish you and yours ther best of luck. he's a lucky man, though he may not know it.
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Old 10-13-2008, 08:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Viovod. Yes you are right I should of said "HE". Bless you for going to AA meetings, you are trying to better yourself for your family. I just don't get it as to WHY my husband won't get help. I've done ALL the research for him and gave him all the tools he needs, if he wants to get help but he doesn't. Keep up the good work. sue
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Old 10-13-2008, 08:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Viovod. Yes you are right I should of said "HE". Bless you for going to AA meetings, you are trying to better yourself for your family. I just don't get it as to WHY my husband won't get help. I've done ALL the research for him and gave him all the tools he needs, if he wants to get help but he doesn't. Keep up the good work. sue

he doesn't try because he doesn't think he NEEDS help. he can quit any time he wants...he just drinks at home...never drives drunk...he hasn't lost his job...everyone he knows does what he does...

REASEARCH DON'T MEAN JACK TO HIM...HE'S HIS OWN FOCUS GROUP...RE-READ THE ABOVE STATEMENTS...THAT'S ALL THE PROOF HE NEEDS.

sound familiar??? wait long enough to show him the "bottom" and all of those phrases will sound familiar to you...along with "please honey...don't leave," "i need you," "i'll never do it again,"

sorry, not to sound preachy...but i been there...i was him...alcoholism is progressive...kinda like a snowball, til it falls down on the coffee table and becomes obvious to everyone in the room...mixed metaphor purposefully...

gently show him "the bottom" and watch how fast he runs to help...
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Old 10-19-2008, 05:01 AM   #11 (permalink)
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To Voivod....from your experience...would it be wrong to ask my husband to leave while he tries to quit drinking. I am scared that while /or if he tries to quit, life could be miserable for awhile and I worry about the effect of that on my kids and myself.
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Old 10-19-2008, 12:12 PM   #12 (permalink)
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To Voivod....from your experience...would it be wrong to ask my husband to leave while he tries to quit drinking. I am scared that while /or if he tries to quit, life could be miserable for awhile and I worry about the effect of that on my kids and myself.

no, but don't be surprised if he tries to negotiate a deal where he doesn't have to leave. alcoholics are good liars, and pretty good negotiators. skills we've picked up along the way in our drinking careers. quitting drinking can be difficult (i was lucky, no problems) but more than anything, if you make him leave, he'll feel the sense of consequences for drinking. consequences are necessary. demand AA meetings and make him accountable. also individual counseling, because that'll help him understand why he drinks (it's not always "to relax", etc).
hold strong, and good luck. prayer can't hurt either.
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Last edited by voivod; 11-14-2008 at 11:59 AM.
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Old 10-19-2008, 01:00 PM   #13 (permalink)
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no, but don't be surprised if he tries to negotiate a deal where he doesn't have to leave. alcoholics are good liars, and pretty good negotiators. skills we've picked up along the way in our drinking careers. quitting drinking can be difficult (i was lucky, no problems) but more than anything, if you make him leave, he'll feel the sense of consequences for drinking. conseqwuences are necessary. demand AA meetings and make him accountable. also individual counseling, because that'll help him understand why he drinks (it's not always "to relax", etc).
hold strong, and good luck. prayer can't hurt either.
great advice.

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Old 10-19-2008, 05:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I am 39, and have been together with my husband for 20 yrs, married for 14 with 2 wonderful children. I always said I never want to marry an alcoholic, and turns out I did. When we were younger and dating of course we would go out and drink, but I feel like I grew up and he didn't. He runs his own business, so he is usually at the bar by 3pm, home by 5 and continues to drink from there. He is not abusive when he drinks, it is when he isn't drinking he is impatient, tempermental and argumentive. I actually prefer him with a couple beers under his belt as he is happier and more interactive with the kids when he drinks, but it doesn't stop at a couple. Then there is the other thing, because he drinks, his lovemaking has become very sloppy where he turns me off before he can turn me on, and I can't wait for it to be over.

He likes to stay home and I like to go out. We don't really do to much together, and I find myself enjoying attention from other men when I go out with friends...and it scares me because I am enjoying too much these days. I had a guy kiss me the other day when out with friends and although I stopped it, it sent a rush through my body that I haven't felt in years and I feel guilty just thinking about it and what could have been. I could never cheat on my husband, but I don't know what or where to go from here. And yes, I have mentioned his drinking and sex issues to him, but when I try to talk to him when he is sober so he gets pissy about it, and when he is drinking he doesn't remember about it the next day.

I don't know what I hope to get out of this forum, maybe just some insight from others. I just feel ripped off, cause when I signed my marriage certificate, this isn't what I signed up for.
You know how they have pictures of people taking a puff on a cig after haviny sex? Well, he should hold off drinking something until after he has sex. He really should get help with that. It seems to have gotten way out of hand, and it is messing up his marriage.

I can understand about the last part. Women didn't sign up to be a maid, be hit on, cheated on..or anything else bad.
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Old 10-19-2008, 07:40 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

Go to some alanon meetings. You'll be surprised at how much happier you can be if you learn to detach with love.
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