Cigarettes deal killer for me and she has been sneaking them for years? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-12-2015, 06:26 PM
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Re: Cigarettes deal killer for me and she has been sneaking them for years?

As someone who has quit smoking, I can tell you that it was very, very difficult for me to quit. I quit cold turkey, and I figure it was 3 years before I was totally over it. If she's managed to essentially hide it from you this long, it means she cares, but that she is not strong enough/has no desire to quit, so I don't see it as a problem. If she ever starts lighting up in front of you, and blowing smoke in your face, then she doesn't give a d@mn, and that is a big problem.

If it were me, I'd keep hounding her about it whenever it becomes noticeable, and ignore it when it isn't (that's what my brother's wife does to him lol!). Others have chastised you about having no boundaries, but this is really where your boundaries are already. Keep them there and you shouldn't have a problem.

Sometimes, particularly with women, you can get them to quit by grossing them out. Seek out the book "The Cigarette Papers" (ISBN: 0520213726) and see if you can get her to read it. When she reads about some of the ingredients that have appeared in cigarettes over the years (automotive anti-freeze, benzene, formaldehyde, wood chips etc.) she may very well decide that she's had enough...
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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-12-2015, 07:10 PM
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Re: Cigarettes deal killer for me and she has been sneaking them for years?

You either hate it enough to leave, or you don't. If you don't, make peace with it--because your bottled up anger is likely as bad or worse for you as her smoking.

I wouldn't date a smoker. I don't know how I'd handle it if my partner started smoking. But I do know that once I made up my mind, I'd learn to be happy with my decision. No way to live otherwise.
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-13-2015, 02:51 AM
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Re: Cigarettes deal killer for me and she has been sneaking them for years?

Quote:
Originally Posted by thinsection View Post
As someone who has quit smoking, I can tell you that it was very, very difficult for me to quit. I quit cold turkey, and I figure it was 3 years before I was totally over it. If she's managed to essentially hide it from you this long, it means she cares, but that she is not strong enough/has no desire to quit, so I don't see it as a problem. If she ever starts lighting up in front of you, and blowing smoke in your face, then she doesn't give a d@mn, and that is a big problem.

If it were me, I'd keep hounding her about it whenever it becomes noticeable, and ignore it when it isn't (that's what my brother's wife does to him lol!). Others have chastised you about having no boundaries, but this is really where your boundaries are already. Keep them there and you shouldn't have a problem.

Sometimes, particularly with women, you can get them to quit by grossing them out. Seek out the book "The Cigarette Papers" (ISBN: 0520213726) and see if you can get her to read it. When she reads about some of the ingredients that have appeared in cigarettes over the years (automotive anti-freeze, benzene, formaldehyde, wood chips etc.) she may very well decide that she's had enough...
...Or switch to American Spirits.
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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-14-2015, 11:47 AM
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Re: Cigarettes deal killer for me and she has been sneaking them for years?

She is probably most vulnerable to it under relationship stress. In which case, this is likely to crop up again. Whats the difference between cigarettes and heroin? People quit heroin first, its easier.

Because of your description of the problem, the only way this is going to work is a period of deescalation.

1. Bring the problem out in the open in a non-confrontational way. I know you still smoke. I'm not a fan of it. How do you feel about it?

...You will likely get your answer on if its resolvable in her reply.

2. If you get past that and she says she wants to quit "What will help you further that aim?"

3. Expect her to have a hard time staying off. Quitting for a weekend or a few weeks is not the worst thing. Its the little triggers that come up constantly. For me its anger, certain smells, relationship blues, and extreme periods of stress or physical pain. I pretty much know mine. She'll have to do her own inventory. Once a smoker quits, they can be cruising along just find and its that sudden and intense craving out of the blue that draws them back. Or a fight. Or some other trigger for them. Getting past the initial period of a lot easier than dealing with those. If she is successful at all, play nice, but has suitably low expectations.

I'm not the biggest fan of the drug, but Chantix plus counseling brings people up to 44% on still being quit at 3 months. Sometimes that is enough of a milestone to help a little bit in keeping people off. The reality is though, no matter what method is used, at the 1 year mark the percentages for people staying quit for: Chantix, nicotine patch/gum/lozenges, Nicotrol inhalers, and Zyban are roughly the same (14% 11% 11% 12% 12% and 13%). The drug company propaganda would like to say otherwise, but its been studied extensively. Much like heroin, the quitting is not the issue. Its the staying quit.
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