Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
ive been married to my husband for almost 3 years and we have the best 2 year old in the world..i knew he drank before we got married but i didnt realize how bad it was until after we got married...i dealt with it the best i could...but over the last couple of years its gotten worse...the pregnancy was very unexpected and he promised and promised and promised he would quit after we had the baby because "he had to get his partying over before we had the baby" but it hasnt gotten any better at all...and anymore when he drinks hes very mean..when i get frustrated with how much he has had to drink ill very nicely say hey babe i think maybe youve had enough and leave it at that and he gets so mad its ridiculous...im just not sure how much i can take..ive talked to him about getting help..because he knows he has a problem he will tell you he has a problem but he has no interest in getting help...and im just not sure i want my son exposed to that and hes getting to the age where he knows..and not to mention we just cant afford it...any advice is greatly appreciated
Alcohol is a very powerful drug. Just like nicotene in cigarettes. People with that addictive gene have a very tough time stopping, but you have to want to stop. Everybody has a different bottom and he apparently hasn't reached his yet.
Is it mean verbally? Physically? I think if you want to nip this in the bud now you should ask him to move out for awhile. Or you leave. It's gonna take something that drastic to wake him up and the longer you wait, the worse it'll get.
"I knew he drank before we got married but i didnt realize how bad it was until after we got married."
What did you think was going on?
well i mean i knew he drank but we didnt spend every waking moment together...i still lived at home and when i went home i usually took a shower and went to bed...so what he did after that i had no idea i didnt know he was drinking so much...
You seem very accommodating, forgiving even. Do you come a 'drinking culture'? Look it's pretty simple. Put up with it or not. He doesn't see a need to get help or that he has a problem that needs help? Where does that leave you?
My ex husband was a heavy drinker too, we both were at first but I quit drinking after I realized all the problems it was causing. My EH promised time and time again that he would quit also. He never did, and things only got worse. He has to realize that it's a problem And want to stop himself if he is going to. People with alcohol addictions never realize what's at steak until it's gone. I know it's not much help but if you have tried talking to him and he still isn't willing to get help then you need to make a stand for yourself and your child. Posted via Mobile Device
The decision is yours. You have to be honest with yourself. Are you looking for advice on how to leave or how to stay? Look up Al a non. You will meet a lot of people like you and I. You will learn how to get yourself better. They will not tell you what to do with your marriage but help you become the best person that you can be. Sometimes being the bst person that you can be will mean less tolerance for abuse.
He has told you he has no interest in quitting. Can you continue to live with it. Most the time it gets worse. When you've had enough of the hell that comes with an alcoholic, you'll leave.
If he is abusive, make plans to leave, and follow thru.
Many alcoholics give the lip service "I know I have a problem" but then won't get treatment. Sometimes, though rarely, you'll hear an alcoholic say "I know I'm an alcoholic" and then still don't get help. Basically this is the alcoholic using manipulation. He knows it's what you want to hear - but he doesn't really BELIEVE it. Like others have said - he hasn't hit his bottom yet. He WILL continue to get worse until he hits that bottom - IF he hits it. Unfortuantely sweetie, for some alcholics their bottom is death.
You have to ask yourself - are you willing to stick around while he gets worse, and expose your young child to this behaviour, until he hits his bottom (whatever that may be)?
I say you should leave. Tell him it's over unless he gets immediate help and quits completely.
As the husband with the drinking problem I can share with you my perspective. I've always been a good provider (successful in my career, upward mobility, hold two master's degrees), good father (the fun guy and share responsibility for child-rearing), helpful around the house (my wife and I split household chores (no arguments) and I do most of the yard work), active and respected in my church, etc. etc. So, how could I possible have a drinking problem. I'm up for work everyday, on time and I'm productive. I come home right after work. I'm not out drinking every night with friends. What's the problem??? Well, it's not really being 'present' in the evenings (being tipsy to out and out drunk). It's quietly drinking myself into a stupor each night. It's the occasional rant about something. It's the sullen angriness lurking under surface. It's not quite remembering what happened the night before (or was it so mundane as not to be memorable?).
It's been slow, really slow process for me to understand what my drinking has become and means to others (and I'm sure I don't really understand fully and probably never will). And I can tell you your son won;t understand what's going on with his dad for probably a number of years. When I realize that my kids knew what was up with me, saying I was ashamed or embarassed doesn't begin to descibe how I felt. I always felt that all the good stuff I did more than made up for a few hours of drunkeness every evening.
I guess I'm posting more for your husband than for you. Maybe if you show him this he'll see something of himself in this and perhaps see where this might be going for him. Telling him he has a problem and needs to get help is a little like solving world hunger by sending a $5 check to by a bag of rice (IMHO). Not that telling him this is bad, but when my wife told me, I felt a bit like where the heck do I start.
You are wise to address this now and address it firmly. My wife is a people pleaser and always trying to keep the peace - so i coasted along for quite awhile (not that it's her fault at all). And she's gotten more demanding that I address my issues head on (and she's right - which of course sucks for me to have to say that). My wife recently told me that she's tired of being my second priorty (alcohol being the first) - that was one of many wake up calls. I was playing lots of games with my drinking which need to stop. I hope something in all this helps at least a little.
Having lived with an alcoholic husband I can understand the dilemna you are having. The process is long and you have to make a decision for yourself and your son. I think one of the difficulties in living with an alcoholic is how much of ourselves we give to them and forget about own own needs. It is a difficult difficult road. Like you, I didn't know my husband was a drinker and it got progressively worse. He is currenlty 5 years sober, but the road was a long one and the consequences continue to haunt our relationship. Resentment is big on my part; loss of respect and such. I have just learned and still am to forgive him. He has regained my respect but unfortunately it appears too late to save our marriage. Try to think of what you need for yourself and your child. Put yourself as a priority even though it will be hard for you. Learn to take care of yourself.
I am an alcoholic and my stbxh didn't understand the addiction. He thought I didn't have a problem because I didn't get drunk but the craving was always there. That is how I coped with feelings.
He had issues with my controlling. That's what alcoholics do they try to control the uncontrollable so there is a semblance of sanity.
He couldn't stand it and that is why he stopped loving me. I would also say mean things that I didn't mean about him but they were really about myself.
But he continued to act lovingly so he is mixed up too.
Tomorrow I will be divorced but I am back in the fellowship.
I just filed for divorce today, my husband was abusive and would'nt go to counseling. I can't see myself very old and getting sick while trying to tolerate all this drama from him. My husband has a very addictive nature; drinking, online gambling and cursing me everyday.
Get out and away while you can! the judge in my domestic case made him leave the house. I am so relaxed and I can concentrate on me and my two almost grown up sons. My marriage was 25 yrs and only the last 5 yrs got really bad. I should have left a long time ago. But, I am still young enough to recover; still I would love to have not gone through this mess. Good luck sweetheart!
I feel that if you can safely leave, your life will be the better for it. I understand how a relationship like this happens. I was 44 years old when I met my husband, but completely clueless about alcohol, I had never been around an alcoholic, and only around a tipsy person a few times. Seems amazing now, but the truth. My husband is a disabled, drinking alcoholic. He was critically injured in a construction accident during our engagement, and having promised to marry when he was well...........anyway, the odds are that life with your husband can only go downhill. I've been married now for 6 years. It has been a financial nightmare as I am the only one able to work. I was looking forward to retirement at 62, now I don't know when if ever. Because he drinks he will make bad decisions. If you stay with him you will pay for his decisions. The only chance you have for a healthy relationship with him is to leave him. It might, just might, be the reason he needs to save his own life. Best of luck to you.
Next time he is drunk and mean, call the cops and have him arrested (for abuse, verbal or physical, if he is making you scared in your own home) and removed from the home. File a restraining order, go to court 2 weeks later to make it permanent, ask the judge to grant you financial support from your H and explain that you want him in your life, you just can't stand the drunkenness abuse in your home around your child. Seems extreme, but that's what my H did to me. I went to inpatient and outpatient treatment. Can't say I quit drinking entirely then, but it opened my eyes to the error of my ways and I did stay away from hard liquor after that point. And it didn't cost my H a dime to do any of that.
I don't know how old your baby is, but until your H wakes up and see's what is going on, he will not change. And it is not fair to you or your child to have to live with a mean drunk.
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