My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-09-2011, 05:50 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

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Originally Posted by Amberale View Post
Magnoliagal, right on!!!

Unfortunately, I cannot give that ultimatum. I think my kids need both parents more than they need non-smoking parents.
In my case the smoking would make me so crazy that I'd have no choice but to issue the ultimatum. In my case my kids need a happy mom more than they need both parents.

Did I mention that I really hate smoking? lol I mean like it makes my skin crawl, drives me up the wall, kinda hate. Oh other people can smoke and I'm fine just not one that lives with me and one I have to kiss. Ick...

I'm pretty strict on alcohol too. I grew up with an alcoholic (my husband did too). We don't drink. I can count on one hand the number of drinks we've had in the past year.

One of the benefits to not smoking and drinking are aging well. Look it up both these things age you. I'm 45 but look 35. I've been a health nut for years and it shows. I'm very conscious of what I put in my body.

Last edited by magnoliagal; 08-09-2011 at 05:56 PM.
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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-15-2011, 09:38 AM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

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Hello, I'm from China. For many reasons(privacy...) that I chose to put my question here while English is not my mother language.

My story is a bit long but I want to hear any suggestion, and I thank you for your time.

Backgrounds first. I'm 32 and my wife 33, we had our 6th marriage anniversary last month. We don't have a child, and has been planning one since 15 months ago.

Before marriage, I'm NOT aware that she's a smoker with 16 years history, at least 2-4 cigarettes daily(as I know). We spent long time together and travel to know each, but she covered it, otherwise, the marriage is on a shaken ground. Because I feel cigarettes is disgust, and I physiologically feel very sick when I smell it(she knew it).

6 months after we married, I suspect she is a smoker(found by accident). I didn't pay attention untill 9 months later I caught her smoking at home. I was angry, disappointed, and nagged her to quit, she agreed. And I found it's an endless war.

Kept finding smells from her mouth, hands, hair, and clothes. I caught her smoking on birthday of my 30, ruined it. 2008, she got caught by airport security that hiding a lighter in luggage, That day I'll remember my whole life, and vacation ruined.

15 months ago, we decided to have a child. She agreed she will stop smoking immediately and until after the birth of the child, she appeared to be very positive and decided. And then I found it's a lie as always.

No doubt I lost all affections immediately I smell breath from her lung and see the yellow collor on the innerside of her teeths. I simply lost interest.

I begin to avoid the truth and think that some miracles may come. Meantime, I'm getting more suspicious. We had a talk, I required her to take treatment(nagged her many times) OR I want a DIVORCE, and she agreed to take treatment, and we went to hospital to take some evaluations and advises. She insisted that she can control herself as she's a light smoker, and of course in China, a light smoker doesn't get attention from doctor. That day after, her strategy changed. she smokes in fire passage before go to work, or other go-outs, she takes every opportunity to get her "happiness" in fire passage.

But I know that, because one day I searched her bag and found she still carries cigarettes and lighter(Yes, I feel guilty for that). Then I began to follow her(I'm self-employed since 2010) to fire passage to count how many she smoked, and for 2 weeks, I collected those butts(she smokes same brand only popular in her city) though I don't know what for. And I wrote down how many butts I saw in my diary.

I quickly stopped doing so, because it's ill. But I'm deeply depressed and anxiety, and can't focus on things. It's getting worse recently, and DIVORCE once again emerged into my mind, and this time is real.

I know it's addictive, I just can't believe someone willing to risk damage her own health, her marriage and her whole life. I fulfilled every promise I made and all obligations I swore by my marriage oath, and she simply don't want to quit smoking for our love and our child, not even a try.

I'm not implying I'm the only contributor of the family. But I did so many for her, in all ways. Braced the financial impact when she got 10% salary-cut during 2008, and supported her MBA programme(cost more than 2 years her after-tax incomes) in the same year. In comparison, I delayed my MBA plan for cost reason since 2005 while my career future is very promising and continuously progressing.

I planned every detail of a 2-weeks vacation during 2008 particularly for her parents, and carried it out, because she thought it's a way to thank her parents, and I promised earlier.

In 2009, we bought our own apartment, with beautiful view in downtown(worth 350,000 USD, mainly depends on my incomes and investments). You know it's not easy, and think about do it in China.

In 2010, take her parents to live with us for 2 months to show gratefulness to them again, which I promised before.(Surely it's not convenient)

Except the smoking and her 6 years lies, I still feel very close to her, we share similar oppinions toward many things, I precious moments spent with her. BUT now I feel I'm a TOTAL LOSER, and she manipulates me.

And the rationality and my knowledge told me, smoking is addictive as Heroin, and this war fought for 6 years WILL last for another 6 years and possibly more. I see there is NO future.

You may say try the medicines. I know nicotine patches, gums, and Chantix very well, because I call the hotlines, but it won't take effect if she don't try it. And I don't want to nagged her anymore, it's her personal decision.

I want my life back, normal one. But unlike investment that you can cut the loss. It's real life, it's difficult. And I fear that my emotion blind me from other alternatives that can bring some true miracle.

So, any suggestion please say to me, I want to hear. Thanks.
Tell me about it man, send me a private message if you want to chat; I'm going through the same thing as you are going through and the same thoughts have entered my head. If you need someone to chat with feel free to send me a ping.
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-07-2011, 06:52 AM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

my first 5 girlfriends smoked and i hated it. So i decided the women that i marry will not be a smoker and shes not which is good.

THe girlfriends use to piss me off, step outiside at resterautnts, step outside in the housem one smoked in house and in bed. smoke at nightclubs then wanted a kiss. stuff that. the last girlfriend i had actualyl quit for 6 months then i caught her sneaking one at a party. i was so mad. then ended it a few weeks later.
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-10-2011, 10:09 AM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

To the OP, it seems much of your complaint is smell and the overall ickyness of the habit in general. Have you suggested the vapor electronic cigs? I started using them recently, and my H has remarked that its more enjoyable just kissing me... I even noticed the difference. Something to look into if you haven't.
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-24-2011, 04:03 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

I had to throw my two cents in this as well and kind of explain my situation with my wife and how i've been dealing with it.

I met my wife online and we got together after many many years of online communication. She knew off the bat that I didn't like her smoking habits and I told her that in order to be with me she would have to quit her smoking. Now I am certain that she continued her smoking as we spoke online and "told" me she wasn't but I find that hard to believe coming from a family that is full of chain smokers.

When we got together out of the spurr of the moment situation because of some personal problems I was having and I took the vacation trip to meet her and stick with her, she supposedly went cold turkey.

Just to make a long story short, years later, she hasn't been smoking and I know this for a fact. But we now have a 1 year old daughter and we're married. She knows that smoking is a deal breaker for us as well just like magnolia stated.

But what always worries me is when she goes out hundreds of miles to visit family. I'm not there to see what she does. Just today we spoke on the phone and I told her when she gets back I was going to have her tested for nicotine. She got very upset with me and became defensive. I finally got it out of her that she did smoke a cigarette out there.

So in short, my advice to you is this, it's up to you whether or not you feel that smoking should be a deal breaker. For me in my opinion it is, it might be because i'm only 22 and I have a long life ahead of me, so i'd rather break things sooner and start back from the ground up while i'm still young and end up getting stuck in the future with something I don't like or appreciate.

You can google for them, nicotine tests and you will find plenty. The benefit to these is that they do not detect 2nd hand smoke for nicotine levels since nicotine is stored within the liver and lungs. It takes 2-5 days for the nicotine to leave the body so if you leave the test as a surprise you can catch em off gaurd. I know it seems unfair or wrong but that's just the story of my life.

Why do I want her to test for it? Because I feel that if she makes a promise to me to never pick them up again that she should be able to fulfill that. I know for a fact she doesn't smoke when here with the family but her trips are what worries me. Now i've stated her that I am requesting her to record a video of her taking the test to ensure it is really her taking the test. I know it seems very pitiful and extreme, but I just can't deal with the fact that both sides of our family has too many smokers and too many health problems, BECAUSE of smoking and alcohol (another story).

I guess you could consider me a health freak myself...
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-24-2011, 06:42 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

For me, smoking is a dealbreaker, meaning that I would never marry a smoker. But what if I married someone who I thought wasn't a smoker, but turned out they really were? That's a very hard question. On the one hand, I know for a fact I would never marry a smoker. On the other hand, right now I'm trying to imagine what I would do if my husband came to me and said, " you don't know this, but I smoke" and then proceeded to start smoking in front of me. I don't think I could leave him over it. As much as I HATE smoking (I'm allergic to it, even, have been since I was a baby), I just can't imagine leaving for any reason short of cheating.

It's a very tough situation. I feel for you. You're concerned about her health more than she is. Everyone says that smoking is as addictive as heroin... but people do manage to quit. Both my parents were smokers and quit. My husband smoked for ten years, but before we met. Plenty of people manage to quit - but it is like weight loss or alcoholism - it has to be a choice they make for themselves. When she's ready, she can quit. Before that, she can try but it probably won't work. The question is, Can you wait until SHE is ready? If you want a child, the answer may be 'no.'
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 10-27-2011, 01:48 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

This is the sort of online forum conversation I was hoping to find. Here I am, up since about 3:45 AM, looking to "talk" to someone about my wife's smoking addiction and how it's affecting my life. I imagine there are some people out there who would read these first couple lines and say aloud to themselves (or whoever might listen), "Frickin' winer! Dude, get a divorce or get over it."

To be completely honest, I do feel like a bit of a winer since--although I did once actually threaten to divorce Amy if she did not kick another addiction of hers (a story for another time, perhaps)--but, at the same time, I think our marriage and family relationships are complicated and deserve more serious thought than that; hence, why many of us agonize over whether or not to end a relationship with a person whose habit not only disgusts us but may, in fact, be slowly killing us along with the addict.

I love Amy. What's more, I love my kids--both her boys from a previous marriage and, of course, my daughter, who is also from a previous marriage. Whenever I decide I'm fed up with her, I think about the boys and how attached I've grown to them, and they to me. Now that I've become an integral part of their lives, I don't ever wish to sever the mutual bonds we've created.

That stated, there are times I think I can't stand to be around Amy anymore, simply because of her smoking habit, which--as I think most people who've posted here would agree--she won't quit until she's good and ready, or maybe ever. I have always felt significant concern and some pride in my physical health and appearance. I've been a runner (on & off) since I was a kid, and I got into weight-lifting when I was a sophomore in high school (although I've taken it a lot less seriously since I got remarried). And I've struggled with a chronic health issue since I was about seventeen. (I'm now 42.) ...Although I just started taking medication for my thyroid, which seems to be just what I needed all along.

So I guess what this all amounts to is that I'm very health-conscious, not only for myself but for those I love (although to a lesser extent, because I try to allow room for them to make their own--albeit informed--choices). And smoking is diametrically opposed to my personal ethic of taking the utmost care of your body, rather than abusing it. Of course, I'm not perfect in that regard, either, but I try to avoid subjecting my body to toxins and somewhat less harmful substances on a regular basis. Amy's second- (and third-) hand smoke seems to even be indirectly affecting my running, too. Last year I began training to compete, and it seems my training times are decreasing lately rather than improving. (Hopefully, that's just a sign that I've caught a respiratory bug from my wife and my stamina will soon show signs of improving again.) And then there's Amy's health to consider. Doesn't she want to stick around to see her kids grow up into adults and have families of their own? Since I am a former elderly caregiver, I've seen my share of aging people struggling to breathe until their very deaths because they were lifelong smokers. I'd give just about anything to not have to watch Amy go through that very ordeal herself.

Marriage can be hard--yes, we both promised "...in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part"--but I shouldn't have to worry that her habit may be killing us both--not to mention the kids, when she smokes around them. I mean, I knew we had our differences from the beginning. Amy herself said she thought we didn't have enough in common to make it as a couple. But that was almost seven years ago, and we've managed to "make it" this far. And differences in likes and dislikes is one thing. We can work those out--we have been, to some extent--but it makes no sense to me that we should both have to compromise our very health to continue to ensure the survival of our marriage. These are the thoughts I struggle with not just daily, but sometimes moment to moment.

Thank you for starting this thread, PerfectBear. And thank you in advance to all who choose to respond to my post. Take care, and good luck

Last edited by Like2BActive; 10-28-2011 at 05:43 AM.
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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 10-27-2011, 07:35 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

First off, you should unconditionaly love your wife, smoker or a none smoker. 2nd, for every 1 thing thats supposedly "wrong" with her, their is somethign that is "right" with her that balances itself out. No one is perfect, takes a better man to realize that. but the more you try to break her into being some one she's really not, then thats when u start hurting her, let her be..herself in a good way, and yes keep tellin gher how much you hate she's smoking, and how its bad for you anyway, if you still lvoe her and she knows you love her no matter what, I'm sure she'll try to be a better wife and then stop smoking in the name of the 1 and only God willing, cause she loves you god willingklol..PeaceL!ol:!0
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 11-10-2015, 12:23 AM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

Update from Like2BActive(and reply to Ello1012's response):

I divorced Amy in 2013. I am now happier and healthier--more content and calmer, too. I miss her boys, but I still strive to keep in touch with them the best I can, and when I see her older boy, he still exhibits a genuine affection and happiness to see me. (The younger boy still lives with Amy and is, therefore, nearly impossible for me to see, since I don't know where she lives and she has made no attempt to keep in touch with me since late in the summer of 2013.) My current love respects my health and happiness. She does not exercise nearly to the extent that I do, but she has joined me at the gym on occasion, and we go for walks together--usually with our dog--on a regular basis. It is amazing what a difference asserting my love for myself has made in my life. Since leaving Amy, I have run a marathon, competed in two more 200-mile relays, done several shorter races, including sprint triathlons (and I actually won a 5K!), I have further improved how I feel by making further dietary changes (which, toward the end of our relationship, Amy often treated with resistance and even disdain), I've furthered my progress toward my long-term academic and career goals--becoming a physical therapist--by completing all of my course prerequisites (the last 6 of them with 'A's), earning my certified personal trainer certification, and completing the graduate record examination.

Now, looking back at this thread now, the words, "First off, you should unconditionally love your wife, smoker or a non [sic] smoker. 2nd, for every 1 thing thats supposedly 'wrong' with her, their is something that is 'right' with her that balances itself out," reminds me of how easily one can delude oneself or be essentially "brainwashed" into apathy, complacency, and likely a fear of change and transformation into unknown territory. I can't imagine where I'd be now--or in what emotional and physical state--if I hadn't left Amy when I did. I honestly believe it has been, in a sense, a small boon to the world. At least, it has brightened my corner of the world. And I am the kind of person who desires to share his happiness to whatever extent possible with those around him. I count my blessings, and I try to pass on those blessings with further love and hard work. Love and hard work that was previously deteriorating and invested in a vicious cycle of dysfunction and dependency that was getting neither myself nor Amy anywhere but backwards in terms of personal growth and development. As far as I know, Amy has not stopped smoking and, in fact, I believe she never really intended to, or never put her whole heart into trying. But I do not wish to judge her, only to explain why I'm better off now, having left. No hard feelings, really, but I respectfully and strongly disagree with your words of advice, and I hope anybody who reads them also catches my reply here below it, so they can make a more informed, balanced judgment in their own lives, should they find themselves in a dilemma similar to that which constrained my life and controlled my thinking.

My sincerely warm wishes and peace to you, Ello1012, in return--and to all who "stop by" here to read our diverse thoughts and fervent beliefs.
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 04:45 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

My husband smokes pot a lot. It makes me tired. He constantly looks me in the eye and promises he'll stop for sure "this time" but lies and goes behind my back and smokes with his co-workers and friends before he gets home. He thinks i don't know and notice this but i do. He blames his stress of work and stuff on it. But even in our best moments he goes back to smoking. How can i help him? Some recommendations? Or should i leave my husband because he wonít stop smoking? Any help would be highly appreciated
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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 07:28 AM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

Listen, she's not going to quit smoking ESPECIALLY if you keep nagging her about it. I used to smoke. When my husband quit nagging me about quitting, I finally quit for good on my own.

Do you think you are over reacting? I know it's not good for you, okay, but you are acting like she's breaking the law. Are you willing to divorce over 2-3 cigs a day?

If you really love her, just let it go, and she will quit on her own.
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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 07:35 AM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

Also, she ruined your 30th birthday? Over a cig?
And ruined your vacation because she had a lighter? Come on, listen to yourself.
That's ridiculous!
I think you are so controlling that you can't take it that she's not doing exactly what you say.
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 07:47 AM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

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Also, she ruined your 30th birthday? Over a cig?
And ruined your vacation because she had a lighter? Come on, listen to yourself.
That's ridiculous!
I think you are so controlling that you can't take it that she's not doing exactly what you say.
I know this is an old thread but so what you make a good point.

The Ops obsession over his now exwife's smoking is way over the top.

I mean he freaking counted the number of butts he found and entered them in a daily journal!

That's just bad.

Doesn't excuse the smoking but there are problems all around, hopefully his next wife will have no character flaws otherwise those journal entries will continue to pile up.
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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 10:23 PM
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Re: My wife refuses to quit smoking, divorce or alternatives?

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I know this is an old thread but so what you make a good point.



The Ops obsession over his now exwife's smoking is way over the top.



I mean he freaking counted the number of butts he found and entered them in a daily journal!



That's just bad.



Doesn't excuse the smoking but there are problems all around, hopefully his next wife will have no character flaws otherwise those journal entries will continue to pile up.


I realized after I responded that it was old. Lol lets hope he found himself a non smoker! Sheesh!
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