Alex2400

Background: Married 3 years, together 6 years, known 10 years and share a 2 year old son.

Well were do I begin with my story. Two weeks ago was like any other normal day I do my 9-5 job on my way to work when I receive a text message from my wife. The message proceeded to say that I should look in my side pocket on a bag there is a letter there. Upon arriving to work I read the letter, cut a long story short it then proceeded to advise to me my wife no longer wants to be with me any more and that she doesn't love me and I don't love her and that we deserve much better in life.

I would be lying if I said we hadn't had our fair share of problems in the past, but we share a 2 year old son who means the world to me. I was in quite a state for the next week, she packed her bags the day I received the letter and moved to her step fathers home and left the child with me.

I took the next 2 days racking my brain over how and why she would do this to me, it didn't make sense. Only about a month ago she was saying to me how much she loved me and how she was so lucky to be with me. The reasons for leaving me in her words were because I wasn't as loving as I should have been and didn't give her affection, help with chores around the house and bills seemed to be piling up on us. I will be the first to admit I didn't do a lot of these things I know I should have and clearly see how things would have been so difficult for her and this applied pressure to our relationship.

I went for help asap through a counseling program which is funded by work to help myself and do what I can to repair my family. The first session with the counselor was confusing, I told her my story and she listened and proceeded to tell me, it sounds to her that I was getting confused as to why my wife left me, I wasn't understanding; which I wasn't. The problems we had were that of a normal marriage household which can be worked out with the proper help. I should mention that the night my wife left I asked her that we should seek a marriage counselor and try work through our problems not just for us but for our son; my wife's response in all this was that it's beyond that and we cant fix whats been done. My wife and I have never tried to have counseling before so I thought that this would be a good idea "doesn't she want to try save out marriage" if not for me but for our son.

OK, now this is were the story begins to make sense for me. A week later on a Friday after work I happen to stumble upon a message she wrote to someone on Facebook. The message more or less said she was having a dream about this person and they smiled at each other and then she woke up. The message then proceeded to advise because of this dream she had booked a flight to go see this guy and that she was coming on the 17/06/11 'which hasn't happened yet mind you' and that she hoped this guy was thinking of her.

I was furious I called her I wanted an explanation, she denied it of course. My wife then admitted to what she did when I read out the message word for word and then proceeded to advise nothing has happened. This began to make sense to me because this guy is a country singer and the weekend before the break up she told me that she was going away for a girls week in the country. When she returned she told me that this person happened to be performing at a local country pub event which made me suspicious as I knew this person was a friend on facebook and she happened to randomly go away and he happened to be there. I thought nothing of this until I found the message to this guy; The very weekend she goes away 2 days later my wife wanted to just up and leave not seek any help for our marriage and pretty much call it quits. I later found out through a friend that right after that she then went for a 9hour drive to see this guy were she would sleep with him for the first time, only 2 days later.

I have been bottling my emotions on this up until yesterday when I confronted her on everything. I was angry, upset called her selfish and egotistic how could she do this to our son, our marriage. I was upset and asked my wife for a divorce and that I cant do this anymore it's to hard.

I should give a bit of background about her before proceeding. My wife is the woman who believes in the perfect love, I mean the white picket fence, 2 dogs, 3 children and endless love from her partner. I feel as if the last 2 years of our relationship she wanted more, she feels there a lot more out there. I told her I feel as if she confuses her fantasies with reality. My wife has had a pattern with previous relationships doing the same thing ending them because another guy has come into the picture which she feels can offer her more love and fulfill her greatest fantasies. I never for a second thought I would be in the same boat as these guys, I knew her for 3 years before we were together and we were like peas and carrots, forgive the cliche lol. I believe with most of her relationships she has suppressed any emotions she has currently had for her partner and is quick to move on to the next without thinking.

OK, now that I had this conversation with her it sounds to me she's really confused and doesn't want a divorce with me and she actually took some of the things I said to her on board and now wants to seek help. My wife doesn't want to come back to me as of yet but has started to go through some emotions on what she has actually done to me and feeling guilty about it. I feel so confused at the moment I still don't know if she intends to go see this guy who lives in another state this week or not. I have sought of been told not to tell her not to go, the reason being is when you tell a child don't eat the cookie they eat the cookie, same scenario, if I tell my wife don't go she will just probably want to go more out of confusion and being told what to do by me.

I have come to the conclusion she is quite confused and using this guy as a means to block her feelings of what she's done to me. I believe she is telling herself that she left me for other reasons and not this man because she wouldn't be able to deal with the fact she has ruined our marriage and our sons life. I feel like I may be there as her safety net if all else fails, she may be holding onto me because shes confused and in case she wants to come back. She knows I am a nice guy and would take her back to save our family so I guessed when I dropped the divorce comment she may of felt threatened.

I don't know what to do or how I can get her back she seems to be living out a fantasy and always chasing a bigger love. I am happy for her to have had the time to herself, but seriously 2 days later and shes already finding another guy and seems to want to be emotionally attached to him.

BigBadWolf

Your woman is a cheater, and is having an affair.

Ignore anything and everything she accuses or "blames" you for, it is just lying and shifting her blame.

Your first course of action, to smash the affair. Do not beat around the bush about this, if she is in an affair, you will be leaving her, make this clear.

Your next course of action, get a lawyer. A woman as this, she is already causing terrible destruction to your marriage, the way to stop this, if at all possible to even stop this, is to show her you mean business.

Until the affair is smashed, and her fantasyland is laid bared (this country singer probably looking to get easy sex while you support this woman every other way, and is NOT looking to house, feed, and clothe your woman, or to be an emotional septic tank for a woman with child going through divorce).

So understand what you must do to end this affair very quickly and very decisively.

Translation: Your woman has started getting clues to the fact already that her new love country singer was only looking to get easy sex while you support this woman every other way, and is NOT looking to house, feed, and clothe your woman, or to be an emotional septic tank for a woman with child going through divorce, and she needs to get back with you until she finds the next affair man.

Do not assume because she may have said these things she even believes them one bit. What do her actions say she believes in? A woman's actions will tell the tale of the truth.

hypergamy - Google Search

Smash the affair, get yourself a lawyer immediately if she refuses to end her shenanigans.

Only AFTER the affair is smashed, then you locate and schedule marriage counciling to work on the relationship.

It will be a long road, until your woman is able to change her basic expecations of life, that her immediate happiness or thrillseeking somehow trumps her wedding vows, or that her happiness outweighs the happiness of her husband and child.

For such a woman, for a man to be in long term relationship with her, her man MUST make it his business to demonstrate his own happiness, desires, and success and that of his family are just as important and even more important than her personal happiness.

Therefore in reconciliation, or in any future relations with such a woman, do NOT put such a woman on a pedastal. It will only fuel her discontent and restlessness!

I wish you well.

__________________
Decide what to be, and go be it. -Avett Brothers.

Jellybeans

Copy/paste your post in the Coping with Infidelity forum. You'll get a lot of responses there.

She is having an affair. If he's married, tell his wife/girlfriend. DO NOT cry for her. Tell her if she wants out, great but that you won't live in an open marriage and be there for her anymore.

She's either 100% in the marriage or she's out. Tell her.

paramore

what jelly said.
Posted via Mobile Device

BigToe

I agree with you. She's living in a dream world which "life" typically has a way of disrupting with real issues.

annagarret

You have to be real firm with her, almost like she is a kid, tell her the boundaries you want for your marriage, and stick to it! Love must be tough! I would atleast talk to a lawyer, one that works for men's rights, such as ADAM, so you won't be blindslighted with custody problems should it come to that. Keep going to counseling atleast for yourself so you can work through this...Oh If you are comfortable tell your family and friends about her affair, maybe an intervention could help. Good Luck

Entropy3000

Yup