I want my wife and son back...eventually - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-19-2015, 10:12 PM Thread Starter
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I want my wife and son back...eventually

I'm an alcoholic. I just went through rehab and just had my first month sober. I know that's not a very long time, but I'm in this to save my life.

Here's what's happening: My wife and son moved in with her mom (more about her later) and I went into treatment for alcohol abuse. After treatment, I moved into a Sober House where I plan on staying for 6 months. I'm also attending AA and therapy.

Here's what happened: I ruined my marriage with my alcohol use. I drove my family into financial ruin to support my habit and missed out on a lot of my son's life due to addiction. I told my wife so many lies that I can't even remember what's up and what's down.

She says she wants and needs to be alone. She doesn't want to be around me (especially if her mother is near) and she is keeping my son from me. Her mother wants her to divorce me and move on...her mother divorced her father at the same point (7 years) into their marriage and I just guess that "misery loves company."

I would do anything to have my family back.

Does anyone have any advice? I will be more than willing to share more details if needed.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-19-2015, 10:23 PM
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Re: I want my wife and son back...eventually

Yea.. advice... work on yourself. Become the best person you can. Heal yourself. And keep talking to your wife.

There is a book that I think will help you. "Surviving an Affair". Yes, I know that you did not have an affair with a human. You had an affair with alcohol, sort of. The things that the books talks about are similar to what went on in your marriage. And the solution is the same.

As far as your son goes, you might need to see a lawyer to get shared custody of him. I don't know your situation, but it sounds like you really have no where to go with him.. not home. Or does some relative live near by who you help you by letting him and you come over so that you can spend time with him.

You could also suggest that she bring him to a park, a museum or other place where you can spend some good time with your son.

I hope that you do put your life back together.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-23-2015, 11:44 PM
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Re: I want my wife and son back...eventually

I agree.
You need to walk the walk.

Us alcoholics have told too many lies, too many "never again"s to be believed. Now you have to just LIVE sober. She will see it eventually. She probably does need to live somewhere calm & safe for a while. 6 months might seem like a long time, but it's a small sliver to miss out of your son's life. Think of how much time you were 'checked out' when not sober around him. You can fix this bridge with him now, even if you guys are apart.

Personally, I woulnd't argue with her. I'd agree with her accusations (the ones that are real) and just say, Yea, you're right, I did screw up. I understand. And I hope you just don't do anything too drastic right now. (i.e., try to keep her from divorcing you)
Keep going to meetings, share your daily struggles with the group, and take it one day at a time.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 02:22 AM
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Re: I want my wife and son back...eventually

Originally Posted by Deandilly View Post
Her mother wants her to divorce me and move on...her mother divorced her father at the same point (7 years) into their marriage and I just guess that "misery loves company."
I'm glad that you're seeking the help that you need.

My only piece of advice...

Since you're not long into your rehab: learn to not create stories where none exist. Don't make her mother the barrier to reconciliation... YOU were the barrier. Many a mother would not want her daughter to stay with a past alcoholic, her own personal history/circumstances aside. Don't create an enemy of her mom, and don't assume to know what's best for your wife.

I trust there will be more experienced posters offering advice, but I think you will need to adopt enormous amounts of patience.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 08:57 AM
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Re: I want my wife and son back...eventually

Frankly, OP, your post sounds like it's pretty much all about you. As evidence of that, you think there's something unreasonable about your mother-in-law not wanting her daughter to continue in a relationship with an alcoholic who - by his own admission - has lied to her repeatedly, financially ruined his family, and been negligent in his relationship with his own son. I would frankly be more shocked if she encouraged your wife to stick it out with you. Loving parents typically want their children to avoid situations which are apparently unhealthy. Which probably well describes your marriage. And, at this point, it's not like you have a lengthy track record of change under your belt to point to.

So, how far have you gotten in the Big Book? And how far have you gotten in the program of healing which it prescribes? Have you done the work, or is everything still all about you? Your post makes it sound like there's still work to do. Focus on that. Do that work. Change yourself. Then worry about trying to get back all the good things you threw away for alcohol.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 06:50 PM
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Re: I want my wife and son back...eventually

Addictions are about self denial. You must decide which you will deny yourself, alcohol or your wife and son. You must give up one or the other. Think of all the things that you can do in a loving family. Now think of all the things you can do while intoxicated. You must choose one and I don't mean simply to say it, I mean to choose it and be prepared to give the other up. It can be done.

My father turned to alcohol and I saw first hand its vile effects on our family. In time so did my father and he came to us one day and said I will never touch another drop and to my knowledge he did not, until his death. No AA, no therapy or counselors, just a man with grit and determination who would not allow alcohol to destroy him. It CAN be done. I am not suggesting that you abandon your treatment but understand this, when all is said and done it is you that has to turn your back on alcohol and it is you that will reap the rewards of sobriety, the greatest reward being the possibility of having that loving family.

There is a quote that says simply; if a person wants to do something badly enough they will find a way, if not, they will find an excuse. What do you want more? Your wife, your son and your family or alcohol. Only you can decide. I hope you find the strength and I wish you good fortune.
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