Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
My husband and i are newly weds. We married less than a year ago. We have had problems with him cheating in the past. He swore up and down that he would change his ways and be a better man for my daughter and I. Well, he hasn't changed. He continues with the same flirting with other girls, trying to take girls out on dates, and has had sex with two of them that i know of. Other girls hes asked to be sex buddies with as well. I mean, we still have sex. And it's pretty dam good. And often. We have our own home, we don't struggle too much but at the same time we arent wealthy or able to spend money on dates or trips all the time. I dont want to use age as a factor in this but i have to be realistic. He's 24. Im 22. We have a 5 month old baby. And he has a 3 year old with another woman.
Every time i've found out about his side chicks, i've approached him about it. The first time i found out, i was pregnant, and yes my emotions were all over the place but i tried to keep as cool as possible and ask why he does this kind of thing. His response is always, "I was being stupid." or "We had something in common so i.." It seems like cheap excuses to me. The most recent one he's told me is he's cheating because his forst love, (his sons mom) cheated on him while he was out in Iraq for a year. And the possibility of their child being his was questionable. This happened 3 to 4 years ago. And since then he's never been able to have a serious relationship, and has always cheated or been cheated on. Then i came along. And although my history is just about as bad as his with relationships, i walked into ours with optimism and trust. I always tired my best to communicate with him, and help him open up because he was so bottled. I am always there for him even when he's cheated on me.
I was on the brink of filing for a divorce this time around, because i've tried everything i possibly can to make this marriage work but time and time again, its the same problem, cheating. With the exception of marriage counseling, which i've already scheduled sessions. I mean he's not a bad person. He's a great father to our daughter and very helpful around the house, but falls a stray when it comes to being a husband to me. So, a part of me feels that maybe this marriage isn't going to work without him putting in his part. But then part of me fights with myself on not giving up.
A good partner is a great father to his kids AND a great husband to his wife. He is not fulfilling his role and obligation to you. I see you as an enabler at the moment and he is not likely to stop his behavior because there is no serious ramifications to deal with. In most cases I would say to seek counseling, but in this case I would move directly to filing. You can always reconcile if he truly wants to change his ways, but he needs a wake-up call and marriage counseling is not going to do it.
I did leave him for several months before our marriage. I gave him his time away. I wouldn't let him see me, i'd rarely respond to his calls or texts and whenever he would show up to my place i wouldnt answer the door. He was always insisting that he would do better by me and that he didnt want our relationship to end. After some time i gave into him. Things went okay for a while, or so i thought. I found out 3 days before we got married that the day after we got back together he went and slept with these two females. and it continued for about 2 months.
At the time i only knew of one.
Recently i kicked him out (about 2 months ago) because i found out that he was once again trying to take girls out on dates, texting an ex girlfriend asking her if he can make love to her and saying how much he missed her (this is a 3rd woman so far) She didnt cave in. And i caught him before he can take it further. Since we've been separated, i recently found out last week that he went and slept with one of the women he was cheating with back in October. Unprotected. And ejaculated in her. This broke my heart. I cried for 3 days nonstop. We've been in contact but im really not sure if i want to pursue the divorce or try to work the marriage. Like i said i scheduled marriage counseling (which was his idea). Confusing.
The sad part is that eversince ive kicked him out, he hasnt really tried spending time with our baby. Nor his son. But that isnt any of my business. And at that, ive asked him to buy her diapers and other things shes needed and he says he'll do it but then suddenly hes broke? I always told him that i wouldnt take our child away from him but i honestly dont feel that he deserves to be a part of her life. Let alone mine.
I did pick up the divorce papers though. It's just a matter of building the strength to fill them out.
It is nice to own your own house.
Tap into the equity if you can and use it for an atty.
He does not want MC, that is just a way to
(1) Keep you busy
(2) Assure him that you want to stay married to him
(3) Buy him time
What he wants is to be single and to screw around while having a mommy at home waiting for him to do his laundry and manage his affairs and make it look as though he is an upstanding guy. You are helping him do that. I think it is right now an unwise investment of your time and energy and urge you to look after yourself and your child, emotionally, since it appears you have been doing more than your fair share physically and financially. I'm guessing you must have a job since your H is too broke to buy diapers and you have a house, etc.
Is he still in the military?
If so, go to his commanding officer and disclose everything.
If not, call the nearest VA hospital and ask to talk to a social worker. Tell them that you think your H has some kind of mental illness as a result of being in Iraq. He is a danger to self and others and his behavior is both bizarre and impulsive and definitely contradictory to a normal life. You might mentioned that he has completely abandoned his children as well.
If he is not in the military, go to an atty and do the paperwork for separation and then have his wages garnished for child and spousal support. He can play around with whatever money is left after that.
Wow, he doesn't bother to hide anything does he?
He might WANT to be married, but he wants you to do all the work of getting him in line. If you think he's worth it and you want to put forth the effort, it is a choice only you can make. I think you have a lot to go through to get to where you want to be. I also don't beleive in throwing people out like a bag of trash. Marriage is hard work. Parenting is hard work. Home ownership is a commitment as well. You are young, so the good news is you have - presumably - loads of time to explore avenues. And it doesn't seem as though financially you are teetering on the brink of disaster and you have a good handle on the situation and background.
I'd go to Individual Counseling for yourself. There is a lot to consider and even if you end the relationship it will be difficult for you. Because you have a child with him, you need to shore yourself up to deal with him long term. And because of how he treated you, you might have trouble adjusting to a new relationship as well.
I think he has taken advantage of your good nature and honesty and openness and helpfulness and your non-straying nature to make you a doormat wife. Sometimes it is as 'simple' as becoming a doormat. Have you confronted any of the women he has been sleeping with or texting to stake your ground? Of course, you should not have to, but you should inform them that he is married and in some states you can sue someone for alienation of affection. You could look into that. Definitely document what he is doing and what he tells you about it especially if he continue to do it and makes no effort on his own to stop. That is not just an affair or whatever, it is systematic abuse and can cross over the line to being illegal and grounds for a divorce with financial benefits and even punishment of sorts for him. He needs to know that this is definitely not okay.
I have approached the females. Every time i've caught him its the females i talk to first to get all the information and each one of them have always said that he's insisted he was single or none of them knew about me or our baby, or he insisted that he wasn't with me (for those that knew about me). Then i would approach him with all the evidence because until i have the evidence he will deny it to the fullest. Even at times when i approach him with the evidence he will not admit it. But also will not deny it.
I have already set up doctors appts for my check-up, not too foolish on that.
And yes he is in the military, i did contact his unit and i did talk to them about the situation but you know what they told me "Ma'am, what are you trying to tell me?" "Ma'am Sgt. Burton is my friend, are you his spouse, are you trying to get him kicked out?" "Ma'am, i'm sorry but although he is in the military it is and it isn't our business what he does outside of our grounds."
I posted this in relationships and addiction because i think he's addicted to sex. We've always had a great sex life, and as i said before, we have it often. About 2-3 times a week. And while i was pregnant, it was just about everyday, several times a day (my hormones). Tried new things for me, and for him. But he still went out and felt the need to have sex with other women.
I am working. I'm not the dependent, housewife type. I tried it out in the beginning, our first few months into my pregnancy and i was too unhappy knowing i wasn't making my own money and having to ask him for things all the time. I work, come home, clean, and cook and would have dinner ready for him when he'd come home from work. I stopped after i seen how he was treating me.
"And yes he is in the military, i did contact his unit and i did talk to them about the situation but you know what they told me "Ma'am, what are you trying to tell me?" "Ma'am Sgt. Burton is my friend, are you his spouse, are you trying to get him kicked out?" "Ma'am, i'm sorry but although he is in the military it is and it isn't our business what he does outside of our grounds."
Well, you keep going up the command. And if that doesn't work you go to your Congressional Office. Because you are ENTITLED to intervention and support.
The correct response to 'are you trying to get him kicked out' is "No, but if you don't take action, I would consider trying to get YOU kicked out. Sir."
One of the best things a father can do for his children is to show them how to treat women (especially their mother) with respect. If he has daughters, they will learn that they should find a man that respects them the way their father did to their mother. If he has sons, they will learn to treat women with respect.
To me, it is almost as if your husband never got married (emotionally) to you. You don't have to accept the cheating. Maybe filing for divorce would be a wake up call to him. Maybe not. Still, you must move forward. Staying with him may not necessarily be best for the children.
I am so sorry for you. Look up the 180 plan if you haven't already. It is for you and will help you move on to better things than living in pain!! Take care of you and ur baby!! You have good family and friends who will help you every step of the way.
Wear a smile, it helps
Mouse
[QUOTE=The Nurturer;358965]we arent wealthy or able to spend money on dates or trips all the time.QUOTE]
Because he's spending your family money on any piece of skirt that takes his fancy and you are allowing it to happen!
He's a serial cheater and you either have to live with it or get rid of him. With a 5 month old baby that may be hard.
Lay it on the line. Your his family now. He and his ex blew it. He has to accept reality. Your his chance for a life on the straight and narrow. Either he seizes it now or blows it second, third or fourth time round.
OK, today is the day you have MC....can you share what happened? I'd love to know what happened and how he reacted. If it was anything like our first session it's just paperwork. I wish you the best for you and ur baby!!
Mouse
He cancelled the marriage counseling appt we had to day. Matter of fact, he texted me an hour before the appt and his message said "I'm trying to call you to let you know that i dont think il be able to make it today. I have an interview at 1 and it takes 2 hours to get there."
I've decided to file for my divorce. I've filled out the paperwork needed but im a bit stumped on how to write out the petition.
He said he would stop, but continues 
Re: He said he would stop, but continues 
