It's over - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 07-11-2015, 12:28 PM Thread Starter
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It's over

Hi everyone. I found this site after deciding to end my marriage of almost 11 years.

When we got together, my husband told me he was a sex addict. I honestly had no clue what I was getting into. None. It has totally destroyed my marriage and self esteem.

In the 11 years we've been together, we've never had intercourse due to his ED. Supposedly it is due to his diabetes, but the chronic masturbation certainly has a lot to do with it. At one point I had a tracker on his computer and he was spending up to 8 hours a day watching porn. I've asked him to use the penile injections (pills don't work for diabetics), but he refuses. He tells me he wants sooo bad to have intercourse but refuses to do anything about it. Is it a coincidence that the porn he watches involves lots of facials?

I confronted him several years ago about it and was told it wasn't going to change, so I could deal with it or not. Financially I wasn't in a place where I could leave or kick him out, so he called my bluff that time. A couple years later I confronted him again. This time he agreed to clean up, and did for a while. One slip up, but then back to being clean. Things were going well in our marriage. Better than ever.

He had been in kidney failure for a couple years, then a year ago today he started dialysis at home. I was the one who called the doctor to report his symptoms and he was furious with me because he didn't want to be on dialysis. In October I donated a kidney to him. It was like someone flipped a switch. He got his energy back and was back to the man I fell in love with. I had a job that I despised but had stayed at because of the insurance and because I needed to support my disabled husband. I was offered an early retirement with a generous buyout a couple months later and took it. All my dreams were coming true.

January or so I started suspecting the porn had made it's way back into the house. There were subtle changes, but I overlooked it. It continued to get worse. In February, I came into the bedroom after my shower and saw the swipe of the screen on his phone as I walked in the door. He then got up to take his shower. I picked up his phone and sure enough, he was watching porn on an incognito screen that he didn't bother to close. Another confrontation and this time I really pulled back from the relationship. The porn has been going on steadily since then.

Tuesday I had a job interview. I left him home watching TV. I come home, close the back door (it's easily heard in the living room), yelled hello to him, then walked into the living room. He was laying on the couch, naked, with the computer on his chest. It took a few seconds for it to register, but then I heard the classic porn soundtrack. He had a totally dazed look on his face and just looked at me and said he was sorry.

He approached me later as I was moving my things into the guest room. According to him, moving to another room isn't going to help our marriage. Wednesday night I informed him that the move is permanent and that I am done. He didn't say anything.

I've since found out that he started with the porn within a month of getting his new kidney. Possibly sooner, but I doubt it because we had someone staying with us to help in our recovery. I'm making plans to get things fixed in our house so we can put it on the market next summer. I neither know nor care whether he plans on staying in this area or moving closer to his family, but I can't take it anymore. I am heartbroken over this. The worst part is that there is NO ONE I can talk to. I had a therapist, but she didn't have a clue about sex/porn addictions. Now I don't have any insurance, so even if there was someone in my area who dealt with it (there isn't), I couldn't afford to go.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 07-11-2015, 12:50 PM
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Re: It's over

I'm so sorry things have turned out this way for you. You have made such selfless sacrifices for him - eleven years of enduring your own unmet sexual needs, repeated blows to your self-esteem from him preference for porn, supporting him financially by sticking with a job you hated, and now even one of your own organs. He is a fool to not acknowledge that kind of love and not do everything in his power to keep you in his life. He sounds like the type of person who won't realize what he had until it's too late.

What is driving his porn use? Does he have his own self-esteem issues due to his ED that he just can't face and is too embarrassed to seek help for? Or is he just taking the easy road and opting for it over you out of laziness? Basically, does he feel shame for his porn use because of how it affects you, or does he show disregard for your feelings and still expect you to accept it? His attitude regarding it will tell us a lot. Has he offered any type of compromise or suggestions on what he could do to make you feel more satisfied in the relationship, such as alternative sexual acts other than intercourse?

Welcome to TAM. I hope you find friends on here that can offer support and show you that you're not alone.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 07-11-2015, 03:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's over

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Originally Posted by SouthernBelle822 View Post
What is driving his porn use? Does he have his own self-esteem issues due to his ED that he just can't face and is too embarrassed to seek help for? Or is he just taking the easy road and opting for it over you out of laziness? Basically, does he feel shame for his porn use because of how it affects you, or does he show disregard for your feelings and still expect you to accept it? His attitude regarding it will tell us a lot. Has he offered any type of compromise or suggestions on what he could do to make you feel more satisfied in the relationship, such as alternative sexual acts other than intercourse?

Welcome to TAM. I hope you find friends on here that can offer support and show you that you're not alone.

The porn & masturbation started when he was 12 or so (50ish now). It felt good, so he kept going. He says it is what he goes to in times of stress since he doesn't drink/smoke/do drugs. He still WANTS sex from me, but only oral, and he likes to have a mirror set up so he can watch. He can't seem to understand that it makes me feel like nothing more than a paper towel that will just be wadded up and thrown away. He claims to be ashamed of it and that he doesn't want to hurt me. After my ex who used to cheat on me all the time and tell me he was sorry only to go back and do it again, actions speak much louder than words.

He used to use toys with me, but I'm now guessing it was more so he could watch that than what it did for me. Since I caught him again in February he's only approached me 3 times or so to do anything for me. The last time I couldn't even let him touch me.

It means a lot to me to be able to let this out here. It's not as if I can tell friends about it. Who would understand something like this if they've never been through it?

Oh....the funny part? When we first got together, he had me promise him that *I* wouldn't masturbate because he wanted to be the only one to "give me pleasure". Yeah.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 07-11-2015, 04:35 PM
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Re: It's over

Is there anything you are getting from this relationship? Is he there emotionally for you, or is he just someone who knows how to take and give little or nothing in return.

You have taken over the caretaker role more than a spouse. He does not love you enough to change, nor give you up because you offer him too much for him to do the right thing and let you go.

At his age, and how early he started for his dysfunction, the odds of him improving slightly is slim.

I think he does not want to let you go because you are convenient for him to continue the way he has. Someone to put up with his bs, and that may be the reason why he does not want to let you go.

His attitude, his avoidance of the issues, his incapability to look past himself to offer you what he can.

He had the ability to make at least some changes where he would not be where he is physically. He is someone who cannot get past his own impulsive behavior.

Do not trust the little that he shown you when things were okay. That was an aberration, born of fear and not to give you any type of fulfillment.

If anything, it is more that he needs you because he is incapable of taking care of himself, nor would he find someone else who would accept him as a partner.

I think you should let his family take care of him, and you are better off single. I know that it is hard to give up on something you invested so much on, but staying with him, you will have to give up a lot more. Sometimes, it is logical to know when to cut your losses and admit that this is not going to work and pouring more resources is only a bad use of those precious resources that are left to you.

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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 07-11-2015, 04:57 PM
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Re: It's over

I don't pretend to know the pain you're experiencing, but I can understand your feelings towards porn. I understand how rejected and disrespected this makes you feel, because I have experienced some of those same feelings in my own relationship when it comes to porn, particularly when the porn use coincided with when we were having sexual problems. I've tried to "be a hip, modern woman and embrace it!", but I can't get past my feelings that it's demeaning, objectifying, even dehumanizing, and cheapens the emotional connection that sex should represent.

In this instance, your husband's wanting you to give him oral while he sets up a mirror and watches and his using toys on you only for his pleasure pretty much relegate you to serving as a supplement to his porn habit. Where is his concern about your satisfaction and pleasure? He sounds like he is so blinded by his porn addiction that he has lost his bearings of what is normal and healthy in a sexual relationship. In my experience, porn subconsciously reinforces feelings of selfishness and that self-gratification is the only thing that's important. If he's going to save this relationship, he should block all access to porn and dispose of all traces of it so that he can make a clean break from it, making it as difficult as possible for him to relapse, like with any other addictive substance. Also, he needs to seek professional counseling from someone who's qualified in this area pronto.

Do you still love him and want to reconcile? How does he feel about the pending divorce? Do you think he would be willing to take the drastic steps necessary and admit his issues in order to save the relationship?
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 07-11-2015, 07:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's over

I agree. He used to be very romantic and caring. That has all gone away. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship like this. Hopefully I get a job soon so I will be out of the house more. For right now I'm taking day trips to get away or staying in my room while he's downstairs.

I've reached the point where I don't even want to look at him much less spend time with him. He hasn't said a word to me about it being over. I wonder if he thinks I will change my mind. That's not going to happen now.
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