My wife is consumed by her AA group - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #16 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-19-2015, 05:18 PM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

It's kind of a long post and it may have been answered but I'll ask any way....how's the sex life?

And...has she shown any other signs of cheating like dressing sexier, keeping her cell closer, and drinking....

I mean it would me a huge red flag that your old lady be going to AA and still drink.....It's like telling a spouse that one is going shopping and not bringing anything back from the store.

Any way if you are familiar with the red flags of infidelity and you have enough red flags to justify an investigation...then do it...you owe it to your self in preventing from getting emotionally ribbed off, betrayed, and stabbed in the back by some one you plan to trust again.
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post #17 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-19-2015, 05:30 PM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

I mean you are losing your wife, the kid is losing her mother....it may be time to ask for some help in how to find the real reason this is happening by getting the facts for your self instead of asking your old lady.

At least you can get the real information that will give you the correct ammo in fighting for your family.

Think about it...you truly don't know what you are dealing with do you...again don't you think its time to find out?

And hey...I'm all for privacy but if my old lady started this kind of shyt I would be all over the spy gear store picking up all kinds of shyt. The way I see it, at the very least sneak off with her cell when she is a sleep and check the bills. (ie.cell phone log and cc statements) and ya ...this is at the very least.

In short go get a VAR!!!!
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post #18 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-19-2015, 06:38 PM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
LOL. Sure. Seems legit.

I'm sure everything is on the up and up.
It's called 13 stepping.
It happens.
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post #19 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-19-2015, 08:10 PM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

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It's called 13 stepping.
It happens.

I have been involved in AA for thirteen years. I am a group facilitator and I conduct two to three meetings a week. I am sponsoring three men right now...one fresh out of rehab.

I do not spend a third of the amount of time with these guys that the OP says his wife does.

OP, why is your wife attending a coed group? She should only be attending a women's' group.

She should only be sponsored by a woman and sponsoring women only.

There is something very wrong with the amount of time she is spending on her texting. I would venture to bet she is at least having an EA with someone in her group. I'm not surprised being that it is a coed group. It happens a lot. Lots of cheating in AA. I have witnessed it. AA is just like church in that respect.
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post #20 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-19-2015, 10:23 PM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

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If this woman had a muscle wasting disease and had to spend 3 or four hours in the gym every week, she would be applauded for her strength and commitment to managing her disease. Addiction is a terminal disease just like any other disease and has to be managed for the rest of one's life.

I'm not saying there's not room for compromise in this situation, but this is part of the stigma people in recovery face every day.
Naw, plenty here on TAM would see an affair there too. They pretty much see affairs in everything.
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post #21 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 01:05 PM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

I'm not saying that some things don't add up and don't need to be addressed. Not at all! Four hours away from home to go to a one hour meeting, the no sex for six months, constant texting with the sponsee, and sleeping in seperate beds needs to be addressed. The point of contention with me was I don't think going to three meetings a week and having two sponsees at two years sober is trading one addiction for another.

I,myself, go to three meeting a week. I'm only gone for an hour and a half when I do go. I also have three sponsees. I don't hear from two of them on a regular basis,and the other calls mabye three times a week for about 10 minutes at a time. I try to schedule everything around my family as much as I can, but it can be difficult at times. I think if I were going to church 3 times a week, no one would bat an eyelash, especially in the Bible belt where I live. :-)

Also I really think the OP would really benefit reading some books on codependency and the alanon program. His posts reek of codependency. Removing all triggers and making life as easy as possible for the recovering person is completely unnecessary and impossible. Alcohol is sold in almost every gas station and grocery store in the country. We learn to deal with that stuff rather quickly. The best thing a person can do to support a recovering spouse is to get healthy themselves and let them work their program. (Within reason of course)
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post #22 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 01:53 PM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

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AA is not treatment, not even close.
Your being a bit pedantic there but I acquiesce to you sensibilities.

The larger point is I have seen it on here several times where individuals seeking "help" (layman's term there) have found an affair partner in the group.

@Ms. GP , I have followed your story here and I have a lot of respect for what you have done. It is helpful to get your perspective on the number of meetings and such.

I am in over my head here so I will bow out, the Op has his eyes open and that whats matters.

Thank you Ms. GP for your insight.

Op I really wish you well,
Take care!
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post #23 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-21-2015, 11:05 AM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

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LOL. Sure. Seems legit.

I'm sure everything is on the up and up.
If you have spent time around AA, and I doubt that you have, you would know. Of course there are no guarantees in life. But the chances that OPs wife is having an affair with an AA member while her sponsor knows is pretty slim.

It is not at all uncommon for AA members to hangout after a meeting. I used to it a lot. We would all stand around talking for hours, or go have coffee or whatever.
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post #24 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-26-2015, 10:26 AM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

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If you have spent time around AA, and I doubt that you have, you would know. Of course there are no guarantees in life. But the chances that OPs wife is having an affair with an AA member while her sponsor knows is pretty slim.

It is not at all uncommon for AA members to hangout after a meeting. I used to it a lot. We would all stand around talking for hours, or go have coffee or whatever.
My experience has been that when you have a bunch of emotionally vulnerable, damaged people leaning on each other, it is an atmosphere ripe for affairs to occur.

That is why I am against coed AA groups. I don't attend them and I do not recommend them to any alcoholic asking about joining.
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post #25 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-29-2015, 04:43 PM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

Jsmart any update?
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post #26 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 11:35 AM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

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It is not at all uncommon for AA members to hangout after a meeting. I used to it a lot. We would all stand around talking for hours, or go have coffee or whatever.
A long time ago, I got busted for weed, and the judge "sentenced" me to AA, because, well.. there is no such thing as a "marijuana addiction treatment" (I had to go to a 21 week DUI program, too, despite that the arrest had nothing to do with driving or a car - I could tell a lot of stories about that), and I saw what went on...

It's strange that after hanging out at an AA meeting and drinking five or six cups of coffee at the meeting, the only ones who are "going out to have (MOAR!?!?) coffee and chat" are ALWAYS opposite sex.

Where I lived (a small town) there were AA meetings during lunch time that people could attend. There were also other AA meetings at different places within a short drive... maybe your wife could change up a bit. Sponsors DO NOT have to go to the same meetings with their "charges". I'm sure you could help her into some of these other meetings. Surprise her, and see if "the stuff" starts to blow up or burn... it would be a pretty good sign that "something" is wrong.
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post #27 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-01-2015, 05:23 AM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

OP hasn't come back but there is no doubt that she has abandoned the marriage. I don't understand people that let things slide for so long without fighting for themselves. Too many people, especially men, are so timid. Afraid of being called controlling. OP needs to get proof of what she's up to and decide if he wants to fight for his wife and mother of his kid or just D and co-parent. Personally, I'd go the ladder route.
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post #28 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-01-2015, 07:34 AM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

No sex for six months, separate bedrooms, 3-4 hours gone each meeting, texting all the time.

Affair.

OP. How do you know your wife is sponsoring females? Have you met them?

Surprise your wife and show up at a meeting or better yet, follow her after the meeting to see who she is spending her time with and where.
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post #29 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-01-2015, 02:35 PM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

I was a pillhead for about five years. I gradually replaced the need for pills with exercise. It's my outlet now instead of pills. I suffered from PTSD and physical pain from IEDs in Iraq. I say all of that to say this: it is possible that she is replacing the need for alcohol with the need to be accepted by those who've been where she was; ergo, she has replaced one addiction with another. It happened to me. But as others have mentioned, a lot of the other stuff doesn't add up. Either way, rather it's an affair or a replaced addiction, she has checked out, broseph.
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post #30 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-01-2015, 04:35 PM
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Re: My wife is consumed by her AA group

All good thoughts. She is trying to do right by her family by getting right with herself.
"for better or worse" right?

One caution; is she a dry drunk ? Also known as a drama queen.
These people do exist within AA the expression is wet or dry they are a drunk.

These people are the worse . First hand experience with ex AP.
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