Ethinie

My husband I have been married for 4 years in July. We got engaged and married just at the one year mark (pushed into by the military- we both we serving in Korea at the time, it was either get married or they'd seperate us- he would have been sent back to the states on orders). We were happy, are happy...

He has ADD and is addicted to the game WOW (world of warcraft) and he came to me a little over a year ago and said he was addicted to porn...which he bought software to block and asked me to help him by monitoring it, he let me create a password for it. That worked for a little bit...but he'd call and ask for the password while I was at school (he was playing WOW and couldn't access whatever cause it was blocked), I'd question him but I wouldn't push and would give it to him (but change it later). He is also a computer whiz, so even with the software "blocking it" he'd find ways to download it (with a "safe" name, a hidden file, etc).

He has good days and bad...when it comes to his WOW addiction. He can be on there easily for 12 hours or more a day and not go to bed and continue to play in the morning after taking a nap till 12, 2...sometimes even 5pm.

It's an endless cycle of me nagging, being negative, and acting more like a parent then a wife. We are more like roomates at this point. I don' t want to nag or parent and I try not to but alot of stuff then falls on me and I'll ask, politely at first, to do whatever thing when he has time. Let says it's the dishes. It might be that day, or next month they get done, they can even start stinking and I'll do them..but then he gets mad (whether that be picking something up he said he would get to "when he gets to it", or cleaning). so if I leave it, and wait, but wind up, 6 times out of 10, asking or reminding, nice at first, then I eventually get irritated and can be negative or hurtful...I think I do this just to push him or gode him into....though this is stupid of me and we both become angry, and neither want's to budge.

We occasionally sleep together but often he'll crash on the couch. I used to ask him if he didn't mind sleeping the couch as he snored loud and I'm a quite sleeper. I didn't think this was negative in anyway. Eventually he just gave up and crashed on the couch rather then being asked to sleep on the sofa because I had to get up early for class. (politely usually)

But I missed him and pushed through his snoring without waking him up. So we started sleeping together again at night (sometimes)... when he's up till 5,7am in the morning playing then he doesn't want to wake me so will the fall asleep there.

I also found though that he wasn't just playing his game into the morning hours...part of this time (somtimes) is spent looking at porn.

When I first discovered this I was crushed and confronted him after I while I'd be like I found this, why, it hurts, it makes me feel this way...

And at first he appeared truly sorry and each time he tries to stay away but goes back to it...and each time it seems to become easier to brush it off. He know shrugs when I mention it. It still hurts when I find it (I only check his computer like once a week now) and I find myself questioning whats wrong with me? I know he feels that i'm negative all the time, he's told me that I make his lifer miserable and I suck the joy out of it (though we have our good times, he seems to remember the bad more). So I kind of understand why he would look. But we also haven't had sex or been intimate in a while it's gone from 2-4 times a week to, 1 a week, 1 a month, and know I'm lucky if it's every 3 months.

Also he says he feels like it's forced. There's no enthusiasm or passion. I should also mention we have different sexual needs. He's fine with just be given a hand, he doesn't really like being bothered with anything his for him, for me I like foreplay and passion, love making. He seems to think that only means one thing, which it doesn't. But he doesn't like talking about sex or wants or needs. Or "being told what to do"...even in a sensual way.

I have never cheated on him, I don't even interact with other men, unless it's during school and we're put in groups or it's my classmates.

On top of his ADD I also have a genetic condition called spinocerebellar ataxia type 2. Its progressive, no cure, no treament (except as the symptoms progressed). Just have to live healthy. At first it mostly affects your balance, gait, hand eye coordination, and speech. But by 45-60 you probably won't be walking anymore, my aunt and grandma (who also had it) could not talk anymore, everything just loses control as it affects your brain, and spinal cord. Your muscles atrophy. My grandma couldn't even turn over in her bed and didn't speak a word for 10 years...she couldn't though.

Anyways.... With that overall I'm not happy. I still love him...I can't say I like him that much...but we still get along. But I want to live a full life while I can or if we continue to go down to road we are on now and it doesn't work, I want to be able to meet someone new...while I still can. Thats sounds selfish but we're to different people know. I like kayaking, gym time, camping, outdoors, travel. None of which we've done, but we've talked about. I go to the gym by myself know, we worked out together occasionally while in Korea and I don't push going with me and working out on him. If he wants to he can, I'll invite him, hoping that he'll decide to come along..but we'll see.

I also need someone that can support my (still working one) healthy lifestyle. He would rather order in food, because it's simpler then walk the block to a teriyaki place close by (also not great but has healthier options). He's a home body, neither of us are really social butterflies, or extroverts. And used to be glued at the hip but I've learned it's best to live our own lives, we fought a lot less know that I've started doing my own things, getting out... but still.


I don't know what to do. I suggested marriage counseling/ couples therapy, and he's also brought it up, we've talked about it. I'am now going byself but it is couple therapy so he will be coming but we're going individually for the first couple times to meet and talk with the therapist to see both sides...this was something I though of doing. I'm hoping my husband will come later with me, when he's ready.

Your thoughts or questions?

......
We've talked about counseling but never went. I'am going by myself. But have mentioned it to him and invited him along but no interest yet.

Powerbane

Addictions - porn and WoW. My two drugs of choice at one point in my life. Basically it came down to my wife telling me she was taking the kids and leaving.

She didn't cry or beg or plead or even ask or tell me to stop playing WoW or looking at porn. She simply said at the end of the school year she was taking the kids to her mothers and not coming back.

I quit WoW and laid off the porn cold turkey. I have not played WoW in almost 18 months and porn is an occasional with her there with me.

I'm still trying to recover and rebuild my marriage. Still lots to do but it's getting better every day. The biggest thing is communication and just spending time with each other. I too had moved out of the bedroom due to snoring. Mine was related to weight (balloned up to 420lbs but am now down to 290) which I've since gotten back under control with more to go. I've since moved back into
to the bedroom.

I wish you well. PM me if you have specific questions you think I can answer.
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Ethinie

I think he first needs to realize he has a problem.... He's thrown away multiple games, allowed me to break his software, HE even burned his Xbox once, in an attempt to stop. So I guess he knows it's an issue with him. But once he's moved past destroying his games and he gives into buying another at a store, he's sucked right back in. I remind him he gave that up for a reason, and to go back on that he'd only be hurting himself (and me). But at this point (he's blind and deaf to whatever I say) he considers my disapproving nagging. He thinks it would be great it I played to... no. I'm not into games, I like those simple facebook games but I don't HAVE to be on them, people are "relying" on me to be there (like with his guilds).

I've taken on a healthy full time lifestyle. I used to eat dominos and fast food with him like three times a week. Before we met and a little during I took care of myself, and he joined in but he's found a new pleasure in life (games and porn).

I invite him to join me in the gym, in eating healthy. But he says I don't "control" what he eats. I mean, of course not, I can't force, manipulate, or control him to eat anything. But with my progressive condition I don't want to be with someone that is not on the same page as me. I can't support him when we're older...odds are by 50 or 60 I'll be dead, in a wheelchair, or spoon fed. I love him but I want a full life, I want a partner, a husband. I really hope he'll go to therapy with me so we can start couples counseling...or even if we go invidually that's okay too, for a little bit, then work on us. He's is still my love I like him as a person..mostly but not as my husband, lover or friend....as much as that hurts to say that.

And the porn. I've read other stories on here...some from porn addicts some from wives of porn addicts. I don't think my husband is an ADDICT..... like he thinks. He watches porn on his computer , as far as I know, once or twice a month maybe three times.... but multiple videos from download sites, peer to peer, tricksies or whatever its called (where you pay to see it). We haven't had sex in months now. It's got to the point where I don't need it either. My sexual attraction for him is , in all honesty, 80% gone. I still have hope. But even when we're are together it's okay. He doesn't like me giving "directions" (telling what I like, which I think is healthy in a marriage and if it was reversed I would want to know how and what pleases my wife). So that adds to my overall feeling of....lackluster, nonchalanteness. He still says sweet and wonderful things to me and I say thanks, kiss and hug him but to be honest the spark is dying.

SockPuppet

He throws the games away, but eventually buys more... Sounds like a symptom to me. You can treat the symptom, make it go away, but the cause is still there. Same with a porn addiction.
Addiction is defined as an aspect of your life that interferes with other parts. If he is watching porn and enjoying porn, but doesnt meet your physical needs, he is an addict. If he plays WoW for hours on end, and cant pause for 5 minutes to load a dishwasher, he has a problem.

Id like to offer more insight, but the part about your disease hits me hard. I have chronic illness requiring specialized diets, working out, stress relief, etc. Id suggest you pull a 180. Go to the Mens Clubhouse and read the sticky. You need to start living your life, because like you said, there may not be much living down the road.