Built in ten, lost in one. - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 10:04 AM Thread Starter
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Built in ten, lost in one.

Me and my wife have been together for ten years and married for nine. We got married young, i felt it was influenced by her family not to be shacking up and even more so when my girlfriend got pregnant. Our marriage started off rough, my wife still had feelings for her x and she kept trying to push me off to my x. I informed her that I was completely over my x and wanted nothing to do with her. She was crazy and abusive. Long story short we had both been in bad relationships prior to our relationship, my wife just didn't get closure from hers. I had allowed her to get closure, while at the same time sacrificing my own feelings knowing that I did not yet have all her heart. In the end it did work out, we continued to grow in our marriage, but that was not without more obstacles. My wife did commit infidelity once after 5 years in our marriage, she was truly sorry, apologized and I forgave my wife. Our marriage grew even stronger after that incident. Now that I given some background lets move to current day. Me and my wife have 5 children now, almost toward our tenth year of marriage. I have been a full time student watching my 5 boys, 2 nephews on the weekend no friends, barely any family to speak with and feeling that I have no outside life. I've felt like a hermit, i had no outlet of any sort and started feeling overwhelmed. I had worked to support my wife while in school and now she is currently doing the same for me. I had never wanted to go back to school, I had went to school previously to do computer technician and it didn't work so well with the location we lived in. I did that for two years and my wife suggested I look into something else more profitable to help raise our children. I just wanted to work a good job not be sitting in class not working feeling less of a man not supporting my family. I was told that striving to better yourself to take care of your family is support so I now understand. I just finished my last rotation and now soon about to register for my boarding exam. Back to the point going to school full time not working has put a lot of weight on me alongside of other things. This thread is actually about my infidelity just recently and how it felt while making the worst decisions in my life, i feel that everything that I expressed earlier may have lead up to this point. I was in my last rotation and ended up meeting a young lady. I have always turned my eye away from other women, but this time I didn't and I wasn't sure what may have been different from this one from others. Everyday she would smile at me and I would tell her good morning. Greetings starting turning into small conversations and then to becoming FB friends. My wife asked me why I was adding random women on FB, I explained that she was just a associate from my clinicals. I had never planned taking this beyond a FB friendship and out of nowhere this lady instant messages me on FB. I had never expected this and it completely caught me off guard. My wife always logs into my FB to scroll my newsfeed and brought it to my attention that I got the message. When my wife started getting upset she left the room I don't know why I decided to give her my personal number. I knew that my wife would make me delete her and get rid of the messages so that is why i sent her my number. I didn't even think about the consequences at that moment. Let me remind everyone that this is the first time I've ever done anything like this. My wife had deleted her from my FB even though me and the lady continued to text each other. My wife is like a PI she can find out anything and is always a step ahead of me. I knew she would find out eventually but did not know when. After the whole FB thing my wife was suspicious and started going through all of my msgs, text, numbers asking who number is this as she scrolled down my contacts. She even checked my online history. She knew something wasn't right and begged me for the truth and so I told her yeah I hid the number within a standard contact as the secondary number. She felt really hurt and it hurt me to see her hurt like that. I have never hurt my wife intentionally and never to this extent. I asked her what can I do to make this right and she asked me to end contact with the lady by messaging her on FB telling her that out of respect for my wife and our marriage that I can not continue to talk to her. She was ok with it and said she would respect our marriage. I was not ok with it, it felt forced and I wanted to get my own closure. I text the lady that night about how i felt about the situation and she said I just wanted to be friends out of respect for my marriage and family. I could not take that so I decided to ask her one last question. I asked her if the circumstances were different that if I wasn't married would there be a chance for me and her? I got my response on both ends, my wife had still been uneasy about my other f ups and checked my msgs right before I had a chance to delete them. This had all went down on my wife's birthday which is pretty damn bad. I was really going to end it on my own terms, but it didn't go the way I expected. We were suppose to go out for her birthday that day, instead she arranged for her and some friends to go out. She got drunk that night and ended up texting her x which caused so much trouble for us in the beginning of our marriage and it pissed me off so bad knowing everything it took to get passed that. She was telling me that guys were all in her face and trying to rub on her. I got so furious I started swearing and telling her to get home immediately despite the crap that I did I shouldn't have even had the right. This was definitely a wake up call for me. She later expressed that she was trying to hurt me like I hurt her with my misleading ways and what she wrote her x was not true. Even though I did not enter into a intimate relationship with the young lady, my wife told me it was the constant lying I was doing was hurting her. Two times I hurt my wife within three days. She had threatened to divorce and leave me, I told her I wasn't signing any divorce papers I wanted to fix our marriage. She gave me another chance and I was trying hard to earn my wife's trust back. Somehow my wife became FB friends with the young lady, this was after they spent some time chatting among each other about my terrible ways. The next night I wasn't thinking straight and ended up sending the woman a msg telling her how I was up thinking about us still being friends and that I wanted to come see her the following week. Dumb right? I'm not even sure why I decided to msg the woman in my current status in my marriage. I did not think about the consequences of my actions yet again and it backfired in my face double barreled this time. I guess my wife and the woman fostered a friendship, exchanged numbers and the woman sends a screenshot to my wife showing that I text her 6am. My wife darts towards me and starts calling me everything in the book and that she was done with me completely. I tried to lie my way out of it, but is wasn't going to work. I felt completely betrayed by the woman and started sending mean text. She doesn't respond to me but instead my wife. I'm like wtf she's telling my wife I'm texting her talking crazy. My wife told me to pack my **** , so I did and prepared to take a trip into the unknown. I felt like I was set up, I msgd the woman asking her if she had somewhere for me to go since I had nowhere to go now that she did that. I wanted to know what was her reason to set me up like that, didn't get a response. I realized that I really messed up. I have always wondered how me and my wife were together so long. I had never had a positive role model or father in my life to teach me how to treat a woman, I just really learned by the mistakes of others. I had always wanted to be the good husband/father, many people around us were having bad relationships from the guys not doing right. I always told myself I don't want to be like those guys, but at the same time always wondered why they did what they did and how it feels to be in that situation. Everything I learned has been the hard way and this is exactly how this incident happened. My wife said told me I don't love her, which in fact I do. She has how can you if you keep hurting me, I told her I never meant to hurt her. She asks me to explain why did I do that to her, It was really hard to explain to her as I looked in her tearful eyes and say hurtful things she wouldn't want to hear. I felt I have a good wife and a nice family and she didn't to deserve to be treated or hurt like that. It was clear to me at that moment I liked having the power over the situation and that overwrite how i felt about the consequences of my actions. I knew I could control the woman that I met and manipulate her anyway I saw fit when she first msgd me. It was unexpected, but it boosted the crap out of my ego. That is what led me to give her my number, from there it spiraled out of control. I felt so terrible and couldn't figure out why I kept having to keep it going. In the end I lost everything or would have. I decided; I disabled my FB, stopped using my phone and agreed to do counseling. I can say no matter how good it feels to cheat your going to ruin someone's life and your own in the process. I would never suggest anyone to go outside their marriage unless your prepared to lose everything. I have been through the hurt and witnessed it from others, everyone does not take it the same way. What I do know is that the feeling of being hurt in this way is close to that of dying. I have been hit by a truck, caught in a fire and nearly drowned so I definitely know how near death feels. I love my wife to death and hope that we can continue to build a great relationship til we grow old. Any advise on how to sustain a good marriage is much appreciated, I'm still learning how to be romantic.
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 10:05 AM
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Re: Built in ten, lost in one.

Please edit your post and provide paragraph breaks. It's too hard to read as it is.
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