In Denial - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 09-05-2015, 09:43 PM Thread Starter
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Location: South Africa
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Unhappy In Denial

This is my first time posting publicly about my concerns, or even maritial problems. My husband and I have been married for just about 2 years. When we met we both drank, and loved going clubbing etc. But after getting married we promised to slow down. I must say I am really impressed with myself as I kept my end of the promise (I'm an occassional drinker).

Unfortunately, I have learned to accept, and made "peace" that H is an alcoholic in denial, or at least headed that way. H drinks every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and sometimes Sundays, I guess I should take some responsibility as I knew before getting married H has this problem, never-the-less H kept me laughing. I understand that men like women each have a certain way of blowing off steam, but recently H's behaviour has become abusive (emotionally).

H has cheated in the past (probably still is with his exes). H abuses me emotionally, mentally, H conpares me on every occassion with the baby Momma, every argument we have ...its though H thinks I'm the x, I am being held accountable for another womans sins. I can't talk to H without H telling me its all my fault, I can't discuss anything with H.

Writing about it is exhausting, thinking about it just darkens my inner. For the past 3 years I feel like I'm the monster, H is such a manipulater, a passive aggressive. I've walked out several times, and everytime H comes crying I crawl right back because of the guilt H has burdened me, always uses God as the scape goat.

I am despondent, I've become this depressed, scared, all-fearing woman all because I have allowed a man that breaks promises, that humilates, that lies, that cheats, and disrespects me to control my future that God our Creator has so graciously paved out for me, yet I still depend on my own understanding.

Advice welcome.

Thank You in advance
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 09-05-2015, 10:11 PM
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Re: In Denial

You both decided that you would ease off the drinking after you got married. You followed through; he didn't. If he's an addict, then this is going to affect every interaction he has with you. Alcohol is going to impair his judgment and his impulse control. He's going to say the first thing that comes to mind, without filtering it, without considering your feelings, and without thinking about whether it's appropriate.

Get him some help. Find a support program that works for you. Go with him for emotional support if you both feel that would be helpful. You've got to wean him off the bottle before you have a chance at a normal, healthy relationship.


"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."—John Lennon

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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 09-05-2015, 10:45 PM
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Re: In Denial

To clarify, you think that he has been cheating on you since you two married. Is that correct?

Do you know for certain that he's cheating?

The first thing you need to do is to go get checked for STD's. His cheating is threatening your life. Do you realize that?

Do you have some place safe to move to? Can you move back to your parent's house or in with some other family or friends.

You have already seen his pattern. If you leave he will cry and beg you to come back to him. And you then go back. So leave and refuse to talk to him.

A marriage cannot be fixed until the alcoholic has stopped drinking and gotten the help they need. You cannot help you. You cannot get him to stop drinking. He won't help himself until he hits rock bottom. You leaving him and actually staying away might force him to hit rock bottom and start on the road to becoming sober.

What you have been doing is to enable him. He goes out drinking and leaves you alone. He cheats. And what do you do? You stay and let him verbally abuse you. That's called enabling.

Before your marriage can be fixed, he has to be sober for a year at least. There is not really anything to save right now.

There is an organization that is all over the world.. Al-Anon. It's an organization to help people like you deal with alcoholic spouses and family members.... here's a link where you can find meetings in South Africa. Al-Anon Sixty Years of Hope

There is also a good book that would help you.. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Most spouses of alcoholics are co-dependent. They facilitate the alcoholic as you are doing. Co-dependency is when a person puts the needs of the other person (your husband) ahead of your own needs. Look at what has happened to you. You have put your own needs aside in your attempt to hold your marriage together and help your husband. It is destroying you. This book will help you learn how to stop doing this and how to take care of yourself.

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