My husband is on a bender again - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 09:09 AM Thread Starter
aine's Avatar
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My husband is on a bender again

My husband has started drinking almost every day in the last 10 days. He comes home around 9pm from work, he hangs out with his colleagues after work at the bar near his office.

I thought he was getting better but that is the problem always hope. I know the drill, not to engage, not to enable, not to be co-dependent, realise that alcohol will be his first love. I am glad the kids are not here to witness this but I don't know if I am strong enough to last the time I need to finish my studies and get out of here.
As the tag line for the forum says 'addictions can be detrimental to relationships' I know his drinking has damaged our marriage.

I fought with him this evening, I couldn't help myself as I get the crumbs, work gets his best, his buddies his second best and I get the drunk man who was supposed to take me for a movie. That is the ugly man no-one really sees. Needless to say I am now sitting alone in a coffee shop mad as hell but also cut up inside. I shouldn't be surprised I have been on this roller coaster before and I thought that I was getting better at handling it but obviously not.

He threw a lot of crap at me tonight. Brought up the fact I don't wear my wedding ring, I have explained to him why I don't. He broke his wedding vows when he committed adultery.
He broke his vows and I didnt want to renew our vows when the opportunity arose as our marriage was crap. He took off his and said he didn't want to wear his either - like I give a d****. He then went on about how much he works and earns and does, and what do I do? I am working part time, keep the household, pay expenses, take care of dogs, study, have taken care of kids, who have just left for college. I kept the household stable during all the years of his drinking and irresponsibility, now he asks what have I done? WTF! In fact all he does is work, play golf and drink!
He came back later looking for his ring and i said I threw it away (I still had it on my desk) but he is not getting it back. He got angry thumped the door and called me a stupid cow. Nice.

I have been to al anon, it helps though in our area it is not always on. i am going back to IC this week coming. I have to hang on for about a year or so. I have been offered my job full time but with my studies, i do not want to commit as it will be hard to manage as work is a good hour each way from my home.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent a bit, the amount of crap I have put up with, one day I know I will be free of either it or him. That is what keeps me going. Thanks for listening.
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 09:25 AM
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Re: My husband is on a bender again

So sorry you are going through so much. I'm glad you have an exit strategy, but it doesn't make today any easier to handle.

So is the 180 helping-not that he would notice, but is it helping you?

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 09:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is on a bender again

PLuto2 tbh I haven't been using it, when things were going good, we are getting on well I enjoyed time with him, etc I haven't fully detached.
I probably need to leave physically to do that. We have been together 27 years, married 23. Detaching though is becoming easier, I am not the emotional wreck I used to be when these things happened. I know it is the alcohol, I know I cannot change him, I know it is his choice.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 11:39 AM
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Re: My husband is on a bender again

Yep, detach and live life as if separated. It helps you if you stop viewing him as your husband or partner. As you well know, the more detached and living like you are a single person, the less his actions will affect you. Again, the more attached, the more the actions can cause distress.

It will be hard when he senses you moving away and changes his behavior for a while to try and draw you back in. Hopefully you can remind yourself that he wants you to reattach to him again before he can go back into being his old neglectful self. We have a need to hyper bond after a point of distance. If you can recognize it for what it is, you can avoid it and good him will not ensnare you again.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 01:56 PM
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Re: My husband is on a bender again

You don't need to leave physically to do the 180. Write out a list of all the crap he's done. Keep it in your wallet or your pocket. On the 'good' days, READ IT. Remind yourself that he is ONLY being 'good' because HE feels like it; it has nothing to do with you. That should help you stay an arm's length away from him even in the good times.

Spend more time with friends and family, too.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 07:37 PM
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Re: My husband is on a bender again

Good advice about detaching to get you through the next year or so, but get out of that as soon as you are financially able. I know from experience dealing with an alcoholic, it is unlikely that he will ever change, and if he does it could be a long time and not until HE chooses. The toll it will take on your life is not worth it. Live for yourself until someone comes along that wants to share a real life with you.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 08:09 PM
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Re: My husband is on a bender again

I'm sure alcohol is part of the problem Aine. I understand it must be heartbreaking to have a drunken shell rather than the man. I can't help noticing there's more to the story though.
- He cheated on you.
- He's minimising how difficult it is to switch gears in life once the kids are grown because his life didn't change as much as yours.
- He called you a stupid cow. The day I call my wife a stupid cow is the day she needs to leave me. And if I were drunk while saying it then she should realize that I was too much of a coward to deal with resentments while sober.

I'm sorry that you're going through this Aine.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 08:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is on a bender again

I am reading The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by L Vernick. I see so much of myself in there.

I sent him a text today saying he was taking a toll on my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well being and I cannot do it anymore. He agrees that he is out of control but cannot get in touch with his counsellor (think he is away on holidays).

I told him step 1, give up the drink (probably unlikely) step 2 get professional help from someone else (if counsellor is away).

He is 50 and replied saying his life has no meaning, he is spiralling down, he has made no contribution to his personal life and does not know what is the purpose, he feels depressed. He is successful in his career (me and the kids sacrificed for that 'success') now but knows it will end, he has no identity and doesn't know where to go. I do not know what he means by that, I have told him I will leave him eventually. He says he is afraid and scared of the future.

(my view point is that he thrives on the accolades of staff and bosses, he doesn't build relationships but expects everyone to be there for him with little effort from him. He has no close friends whom he can confide in, maybe his brother who lives in another country. This might sound callous but I feel he has built a straw house, yes he has provided for the family, the kids are in colleges overseas but he has destroyed our marriage with his behaviour and this is what is left. I don't feel sorry for him at all. Maybe he is having a MLC as he is beginning to realise that nothing is permanent in life, not career, money, etc)

This could all be a self-pity party to reel me in, I am not so sure. I will sit on the side lines for now and not get drawn in to the drama
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 08:42 PM
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Re: My husband is on a bender again

I have no real words of wisdom for you because I have read many of your posts which I find very insightful and I can't even compare.

But just focus on that light at the end of your goal. A year is probably very painful to endure in your home life, but you are almost there.

In a year or so, you will be able to be financially free with much better options for your future.

Please try not to make him a priority in your life. He is at this point in your life just a means to an end. You gave him too much of you already.



Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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