i have married for 3 months, but i was in relation with my husband for many years before. last year i found out that he sometimes smokes pot but each time he ignored it.
he promised me that he doesn't smoke.
but now again i fell he smokes. e.g when he goes out to a supermarket for just buying cheese it takes about 1 hour, which takes only 5 minutes in general and as soon as he comes home he goes to bathroom and washes his mouth. or sometimes he comes home very late from work. i feel he goes out to have some time for smoking because he doesn't want me to know it.
i really can not tolerate his behaviors as i can feel clearly that he smokes, i feel he is escaping me all the time.
what should i do?
shall i tell him directly that i know what he do?
yes he is different, he goes to bathroom directly, goes to bed and do not speak at all, or sometimes only laugh at me. i am sure he does it. but i'm sure if i tell him he will ignore it. how can i prove it? is there any medical test i force him to take? or any other thing?
If this is not okay with you, then you should talk to him about it in a nonconfrontational way. People who smoke pot do not think there is anything wrong with it - they point out that it is not harmful to one's health, it's not addictive, and it has almost none of the effects of smoking. In some countries it's legal; in some US states it's legal for medical use. As time passes, I suspect it will be made legal at least for medical use everywhere.
I've never smoked pot and have no desire to but my husband used to (in college) and just realizing that he did it (as opposed to random people I don't know) made me rethink my ideas about it. Obviously if someone I respect as much as I respect my husband did it, I have to question my assumptions. I still don't want to do it, and I am glad that he doesn't do it anymore because I NEVER want him to be caught doing something illegal - but it doesn't bother me anymore as an idea.
I'm not condoning illegal acts but if your husband feels your disapproval, of course he's going to hide from you. Try being a little more openminded and let him know that you are rethinking your ideas. You can try telling him that while you don't want to do it yourself, you can understand why he might like doing it and would like him to feel safe enough in your relationship to tell you about it.
If it's really something you can't live with, you may not be with the right person, I'm sorry to say. Yes there are urine tests but you absolutely cannot "make him" take one (unless he wants to in order to prove to you that he's not using pot - but I don't even know if those tests are available commercially).
The only thing I know of if you want proof is you might would have to catch him doing it. If he tells you he has to work late or is going to the store, could you go and see if he is there? Do you know of the places he would go if he wasn't at home? If so you need to check those places out.
You could always call his bluff, tell him you have been doing some thinking, you thought you might try some pot ask if he knows where you could get some. Watch his reaction. Maybe he will be excited and confess he has some, then you would know. Of course you wouldn't be really wanting to try it, you are just telling him that to see if he comes clean.
Even if he were to confess that he did, then what are you going to do? Is this a deal breaker for you? If so you need to decide what you are willing to put up with and not put with. You could always suggest he get some help for it or you're leaving. Doesn't mean it would work though.
Have you ever checked his car for pot smell? He may or may not being smoking it in his car.
Also, is it possible he might be doing something else other than pot? You said sometimes it takes him an hour to come home from the store, when it should only take 5 minutes. Also that he comes home from work very late sometimes. If he wanted to smoke some pot, its not going to take him that long. For that matter he could take a couple of puffs and be done with it, takes a few minutes if that.
I suggest, if you want some answers, to no longer ask him questions about anything. If he is doing whatever, he will just become aware you are on to him and start to hide things better. So for now, lay low, and if there are places you know he says he is going after work etc, then go there and see if he is there.
yes i have checked his car. i think it smells, i asked him about the smell he says its just his cigaret!!
he doesn't carry it with him self and i think the long time he spends out is also for buying it. because he knows i check his pocket or his wallet.
unfortunately i think there is no doubt that he smokes. i dont know what to do now.
i can not put up with smoking pot, but i have married only 3 months after long time of friendship.
i really love him, i really feel nervous these days. on one side i can not accept what he does and on the other hand i love him.
i really feel bad and have no energy at work. i just want to be alone. i feel depressed.
If its something you can't accept, (which is fine, we all need boundaries and what we can and can not accept) then maybe you're with the wrong person. I understand you love him BUT I doubt his behavior will change just because you don't like it.
If you choose to stay, you will more than likely continue to be depressed and upset, and unhappy because he will probably continue to do it. I also agree with you going out and seeing exactly where he is when he says he will be late. You need to go to these stores or see if he is out working late etc. How often does he come home late?
he was not late in the last week, but weeks ago may be twice a week. he has understood that i am so unhappy these days and comes home regularly and doesn't refuses when i ask to go out for shopping with him. i think he doesn't want to lose me and he is caring more these days!
what do you think now?
is there any hope?