husband uses meth behind my back - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-03-2015, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
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husband uses meth behind my back

I've caught my husband for the 4th time with meth. I haven't caught him in the act but what I've found is enough and he has admitted it to me. First time I caught him was in his text messages. He asked his friend if he had some "coffee". His friend answered him by sending him a picture of a big bag of meth. I called him out on it and he told me he was getting it for his deckhands...and one of his deckhands at the time was my brother. I blew up on him BC my brother is an addict and he has watched my family go through hell dealing with his addiction. I kind of knew he was lying about it and had a feeling that he was buying it for himself also. The next time I was cleaning out his work bag to wash his clothes and found a pipe that's used to smoke meth...I smashed it and blew up on him again. First of all it was in his bag which was in arms reach of our 2 small children. He admitted to using but told me he hasn't used in months. (which he lied about again BC I read his text he and he had used à week before that mothers day weekend). He told me he was sorry and promised he wouldn't use again BC he didnt want to lose his family he asked me to please trust him. I was also 31 weeks pregnant at the time and the stress put me into early labor 3 days later...thank god they were able to stop it and I was sent home on bed rest. I just recently caught him again in his text (I know I'm wrong for that but I have my trust issues w him). I went bring our oldest daughter to dance class. He stayed with our 5 year old and 2 month old. That night I went through his text and seen that he told a friend that I was gone and he can come bring his dope whenever. I havent said anything to him about it yet..but I'm pissed. He had our 2 kids here w him while he made that deal. I'm thinking about leaving him. He obviously doesn't care about losing his family that much. I also suspected he was on meth the week we took our new baby home. He's a good husband for the most part and a good father. But I can't deal with him using behind my back especially with him knowing what me and my family are going through with my brother being a drug addict and meth is one of the drugs that has taken over my brothers life. I dont want my kids around it and I don't want him to do something careless and stupid one day that will get ourkids taken away. I don't want the added stress. I need advice. He can tell me he'll quit as much as he wants but I'll never believe him BC he's done lied to me about it already. I think I may want a divorce. Is that what's best for me and my kids?

Last edited by krab2008; 10-03-2015 at 01:12 PM.
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-03-2015, 01:11 PM
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Re: husband uses meth behind my back

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Originally Posted by krab2008 View Post
I've caught my husband for the 4th time with meth. I haven't caught him in the act but what I've found is enough and he has admitted it to me. First time I caught him was in his text messages. He asked his friend if he had some "coffee". His friend answered him by sending him a picture of a big bag of meth. I called him out on it and he told me he was getting it for his deckhands...and one of his deckhands at the time was my brother. I blew up on him BC my is an addict and he has my family go through hell dealing with his addiction. I kind of knew he was lying about it and had a feeling that he was buying it for himself also. The next time I was cleaning out his work bag to wash his clothes and found a pipe that's used to smoke meth...I smashed it and blew up on him again. First of all it was in his bag which was in arms reach of our 2 small children. He admitted to using but told me he hasn't used in months. (which he about again BC I read his text he and he had used à week before that mothers day weekend). He told me he was sorry and promised he wouldn't use again BC he didnt want to lose his family he asked me to please trust him. I was also 31 weeks pregnant at the time and the stress put me into early labor 3 days later...thank god they were able to stop it and I was home on bed rest. I just recently caught him again in his text (I know I'm wrong for that but I have my trust issues w him). I went bring our oldest daughter to dance class. He stayed with our 5 year old and 2 month old. That night I went through his text and seen that he told a that I was gone and he can come bring his dope whenever. I havent said anything to him about it yet..but I'm pissed. He had our 2 kids here w him while he made that deal. I'm thinking about leaving him. He obviously doesn't care about losing his family that much. I also suspected he was on meth the week we took our new baby home. He's a good husband for the most part and a good father. But I can't deal with him using behind my back especially with him knowing what me and my family are going through with my brother being a drug addict and meth is one of the drugs that has taken over my brothers life. I dont want my kids around it and I don't want him to do something careless and stupid one day that will get ourkids taken away. I don't want the added stress. I need advice. He can tell me he'll quit as much as he wants but I'll never believe him BC he's done lied to me about it already. I think I may want a divorce. Is that what's best for me and my kids?
Yep!

File for divorce. At best your husband will realize that he's about to lose his wife and family, which will prompt him to get his sh*t together. At worst you'll have divested yourself of a lying addict willing to risk not only his own life by the lives of his wife and children by associating w/ meth dealers.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-03-2015, 01:16 PM
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Re: husband uses meth behind my back

Oh boy... you have a problem.

If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to leave him.

He's using meth and distributing it. He is most likely selling/dealing to cover his own use. He has it in the house with your children. If anything were to happen to your children due to his meth usage you will lose your children. Not only that, you can be prosecuted too. This is not 'just' about him losing his family. You could lose your children. Your children could lose both parents.

Get as much evidence as you can about his meth habit, dealing, etc. and go see a lawyer. Find out what you need to do to make sure that your husband only gets supervised visitation. Ask about forcing the issue so that he has to take drug tests in order to see them.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I have been through the addiction issues with both of my step children and meth. It's just not worth it. Your husband might stop the drug IF he hits rock bottom. You leaving him could be what pushes him to that point. (but you cannot depend on that)
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-03-2015, 01:17 PM
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Re: husband uses meth behind my back

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Yep!

File for divorce. At best your husband will realize that he's about to lose his wife and family, which will prompt him to get his sh*t together. At worst you'll have divested yourself of a lying addict willing to risk not only his own life by the lives of his wife and children by associating w/ meth dealers.
That is a big part of the issue. The drug is bad. But the environment that a meth user puts themself in is really scary. Very scary. It puts all of you at risk.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-03-2015, 01:24 PM Thread Starter
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Its so hard for me. I have no clue as to where I even start with this. We also have a covenant marriage...which was what HE WANTED! This will make things harder. I'm still young. I have no clue with what I'll be dealing with and I don't know how to even start. I don't know anything about lawyers and all that other stuff..call me dumb if u must. and he is our only income. I'm a stay at home mom.

Last edited by krab2008; 10-03-2015 at 01:29 PM.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-03-2015, 01:30 PM
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Re: husband uses meth behind my back

No, it's much better for your kids for you to stay married to a meth head. See how it looks when up put it like that?

My sister was on meth for many years so I know what it does. It's a horrible way for your kids grow up.

What does a covenant marriage have to do with you staying married to a drug addict? Seems to me that addiction is an automatic deal breaker. Even the Catholic Church would end your marriage over drugs.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-03-2015, 01:30 PM
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Re: husband uses meth behind my back

Substance abuse is legal grounds for divorce in a covenant marriage.

Follow the advice the others have given you. The amount of times you have merely caught him are just the tip of the iceberg with his use.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-03-2015, 01:45 PM
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Re: husband uses meth behind my back

I’m guessing you live in Arizona because it’s the only state I know of that has Covinent marraiges. I could be wrong but I’m making a guess here. If you are in another state you can find the same types of help material as I list below for your state.

Here are links to some of the resources available from the AZ court system. If you search the name of your county you can find the website for your specific county.


http://www.azlawhelp.org/documents/S...vorceGuide.pdf

https://www.azcourts.gov/selfservice...-Service-Forms

https://www.azcourts.gov/selfservice...nter-Locations

Here are some books that I found on Amazon that might help you. I picked the ones with the most recent publication date as those would be the most current. If you order books, have them delivered to your parent’s house.

What About Divorce?: The One Guide To Read Before Filing For Divorce In Arizona: Ryan M. Reppucci: 9780692519516: Amazon.com: Books


Amazon.com: Divorce in Arizona: The Legal Process, Your Rights, and What to Expect eBook: Esq., Marlene A. Pontrelli, Esq., Robert L. Schwartz: Kindle Store

Here is a book on winning custody based on evidence.

Child Custody A to Z: Winning with Evidence: Guy White: 9780595336562: Amazon.com: Books


.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-03-2015, 02:02 PM
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Re: husband uses meth behind my back

While you have not said that he is abusive in the way of verbal abuse and physical abuse, I think that a lot of the advice given to victims of abuse is applicable to your situation. Here is a to-do list for an exist plan. Look through it and figure out what you think applies in your situation.
One of the most important things you need to do is to build a support system. Find an organization where you live that helps victims of domestic abuse. Your situation is dire enough that I think they will help you. The hot line number given below can help you in finding such a place in your area.

Call 911 and they will help you get away if you feel that you and the children are in danger.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps.

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:


* Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.

* Also check into legal aid in your area.

* Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.

* Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.

* Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:

*** Your mail from the ‘safe address’

*** All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account

*** Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.

*** Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports,

*** Car title, social security cards, credit cards,

*** Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)

*** Titles, deeds and other property information

*** Medical records

*** Children's school and immunization records

*** Insurance information

*** Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s.

*** Welfare identification

*** Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.

* Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter.

* Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.

* If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.

* Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.

* Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.

* You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse.

* Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.

* If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.

* Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.

* Hide an extra set of car keys.

* Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”.

* Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.

* Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.

* Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.

* Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.

* Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving:


* Change your locks and phone number.

* Change your work hours and route taken to work.

* Change the route taken to transport children to school.

* Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.

* Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.

* Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.

* Call law enforcement to enforce the order.

* If you leave:

* Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.

* Change your work hours, if possible.

* Alert school authorities of the situation.

* Consider changing your children's schools.

* Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.

* Use different stores and frequent different social spots.

* Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.

* Talk to trusted people about the violence.

* Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.

* Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.

* Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.

* Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps.

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:

  • Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.

  • Also check into legal aid in your area.


  • Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.

  • Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.

  • Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


    • your mail from the ‘safe address’

    • All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account

    • Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.

    • Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports,

    • Car title, social security cards, credit cards,

    • Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)

    • Titles, deeds and other property information

    • Medical records

    • Children's school and immunization records

    • Insurance information

    • Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s.

    • Welfare identification

    • Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
  • Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.

  • Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter.

  • Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.

  • If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.

  • Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.

  • Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.

  • You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse.

  • Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.

  • If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.

  • Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.

  • Hide an extra set of car keys.

  • Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”.

  • Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.

  • Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.

  • Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.

  • Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.

  • Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving:

  • Change your locks and phone number.

  • Change your work hours and route taken to work.

  • Change the route taken to transport children to school.


  • Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.

  • Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.

  • Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.


  • Call law enforcement to enforce the order.

  • If you leave:

  • Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.

  • Change your work hours, if possible.

  • Alert school authorities of the situation.

  • Consider changing your children's schools.

  • Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.

  • Use different stores and frequent different social spots.

  • Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.

  • Talk to trusted people about the violence.

  • Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.

  • Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.

  • Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.

  • Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-04-2015, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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There has never been any physical or emotional abuse
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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-05-2015, 07:37 PM
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Re: husband uses meth behind my back

Yep, go ahead and get rid of him now. It's not going to get anything but worse.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-06-2015, 10:08 PM
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Re: husband uses meth behind my back

Quote:
Originally Posted by krab2008 View Post
Its so hard for me. I have no clue as to where I even start with this. We also have a covenant marriage...which was what HE WANTED! This will make things harder. I'm still young. I have no clue with what I'll be dealing with and I don't know how to even start. I don't know anything about lawyers and all that other stuff..call me dumb if u must. and he is our only income. I'm a stay at home mom.
You're smart enough to come here for advice, you're smart enough to research on the internet how to divorce him, how to get benefits for a single mother, and how to find a cheap place to live until you get on your feet. He won't be proper husband/family material until he's gone through extensive therapy. And he won't go to therapy until you leave him.
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-07-2015, 05:39 AM
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Re: husband uses meth behind my back

This man has repeatedly lied to you about his habit/addiction. I think he will need to lose his family to realise the consequences of his decisions. Do you know how long he has been addicted? My concern is your safety and that of your children. Remove yourself to a place of safety PLEASE.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-08-2015, 11:40 AM
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Thumbs up Re: husband uses meth behind my back

I quit ALL drugs (meth included) for my wife, 100%, for the length of our marriage (she passed away a few years back). Even when offered, where there was zero chance of getting caught or in trouble, I never, not once even took a hit on a joint.

She gave me many good reasons, often, and of course it sounded either like *****ing or preaching, but when she made three things clear, I did it there and then.

First two to get my attention: 1) Quit or I'll leave you and 2) Quit or I'll have you arrested, then, the one that really mattered in the long run 3) If you love me, and you mean what you say (if you're a man of honor), then you'll listen and do this one thing for me.

I thought less than a minute, said okay, and walked to the bathroom and flushed my little tiny bag of weed down the toilet. End of story.
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