Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

User Tag List

 44Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-16-2015, 01:27 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Lost40's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 244
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Thank you all for taking the time to answer my post. I know what the right decision is, it's just another hard one - not as hard as the first, but still nontheless... I fell in love with him already - so of course, you know.

I will do the the right thing. Thanks for supporting what I feared would need to be done. lol.
Lost40 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-18-2015, 09:46 AM
Member
 
stevehowefan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 215
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

I agree with the statement that it's not about how much he consumes. It's about what he does with the consumption, i.e., the fact that he can't seem to control it very well, emotional, forgetting things, blameshifting, etc. I was a pillhead for five years. My addictions wasn't "that" bad, but it's what those few pills a day did to me that mattered. He is an alcoholic. My ex-stepfather is too, and he exhibited many of the same symptoms you're talking about, minus the constantly on the go. My ex-stepdad was pretty lazy. One could be an alcoholic and only consume two beers every other day. And most addictions don't start out big. They take time to become full-blown. He may have six or seven a night now, and two years from now it's 12. When one chases a high, the high only stays constant for so long. Then more is needed to get the same desired effect. Even then, the effect isn't the exact same as it was when a person started. Don't put yourself in that situation. My mother just divorced my ex-stepdad after 24 years because of his alcohol use. He had a DUI, was belligerent when drunk, slept a lot, watched tv a lot when he wasn't sleeping, blamed everyone for his conditions, and the final straw was when he put his finger on my mother's nose and pressed hard. His drinking started slowly and with little consumption and devolved into several a day, often times hidden from my mom. I knew he was still drinking because addicts notice things that other addicts do.
stevehowefan is offline  
post #18 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-18-2015, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Lost40's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 244
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Hi Everyone,
I'm having a terrible day, well let's just a terrible weekend. I've allowed this man to fill a void in my life, as after the divorce - I became very depressed - and for awhile wanted nothing, then I started wanting - and, now... look what I found myself tangled up with. However, in some sick fashion - he filled a void. But, at the same time - I fell in love again. I fell in love with someone who isn't who I need.

I just found out last night, after my last post here - that my Dad's cancer returned - they wanted to meet that night, so I did - that is why. However, it spread - it is now in another location. When I found this out, I basically lost everything in me - all the strength, power, etc. - I've gained these past months. It's all gone, just like that. I felt incredibly alone, I felt like no one was there. After the divorce, it was my parents and sister I felt most comfortable going to - to support me. Well, this time - I can't. Now, they need my support - and I'll be there, like never before. But - I came away from meeting that night, and just lost it. The feelings of loss, fear, guilt, anger - all of it - returned.

I was on my drive home, in fact - I was pulled over, b/c I was crying (I didn't cry in front of my parents, so when I got in the car - I just let it out) - and, the BF called. I sat there, and thought - do I answer? I was so upset, I needed that shoulder to cry on. I answered. He seemed supportive, and told me he was Sorry - and that he wished he were here, to give me a hug. He sounded like the old guy, I fell in love with. He said all the right things... Please let me come be with you, you need to have someone there. I'm not drunk I won't get drunk, I just want to be with you - to hold you, and and make you feel loved.

OK... Well, I'm weak... I'm a weak person anyway - but, add on top of this, I just received devastating news - and was alone, and going to be alone all weekend. I thought, OK... maybe he's being sincere. I said, OK - please come, but I can't fight - I don't want to be blamed for anything - I don't want to see you drunk - and none of these are suggestions - they are musts. He said, he promised - you'll never see me get drunk again, yadda yadda yadda.

Over he comes, and it went okay... He was nice, and supportive. He wasn't drunk, he did have 2 beers - but, normal size cans - and only 2. That is normal, in my book. We watched a movie and fell asleep, he held me all night. It was what I remembered from the beginning. I remember waking up sometime last night having some nightmare, as I was thrashing around, and kinda half woke up - kind of yelling, "get it off, get it off of me". He woke up, and just squeezed me tighter. It was nice.

We woke up this morning, and he wanted to be intimate. I guess I was willing, especially after last night. So, that begins to happen - and he was the same way. He couldn't get it to work. Then he kind of made a face, and sorta laughed... and so, I felt sorry for him - and kind of gave him a sincere smile, and little fake "heh" (not a laugh by any means) to meet his laughter, though I wasn't laughing, I was only trying to show him I was meeting his emotions, and I told him "It's okay, just hold me" .... I honestly meant nothing more by it... and he blew up at me.... Started yelling at me "NEVER laugh at me, it's NEVER ok to laugh at me". I tried telling him, No no... I was NOT laughing at you, you were laughing, and I guess I was just trying to show you, it was OK - I was okay with it.... so I smiled back at you, and kind of gave you a little "Eh, it's okay" gesture, but I did so with a smile on my face, and I guess it came out as a laugh to him, I don't know. I know what laughing is, and I was not doing that. Plus, I know it's a huge no no to laugh at anything regarding this, especially if something isn't going right. I wasn't born yesterday...

Well - so, he was done. He was so mad. Yelled, cursed, started putting his clothes and shoes on, telling me - "I'm leaving, I'm not going to do this - you're nasty he said, and some other stuff"... I kind of quit listening, b/c I started crying, and pulled the sheets up over my head. Then he stood in my door way, and kept saying things like "Is that what you want, you want me to leave - b/c I'm about done with you - You're never happy, and I don't want you pulling me down too!"

I got up out of bed, and told him "You can go do what you want, I'm not doing this. I got bad news yesterday, now I'm crying again - you're mean for making me feel bad, you know what I'm going through right now - and thats terrible of you!"

He said, all you are is drama... you always have something wrong, and then want people feeling sorry for you. I told him to go. He left.

First of all, I am not drama seeker. I was with him before my divorce was final, so there were maybe 2-3 times I would kind of talk to him about my upcoming next court date, I also talked to him before "trial". But, if I did 3 times - that is a lot - PLUS, he knew - and I gave him plenty of warning and what not that I wasn't divorced yet - but had been separated for a year, he was OK with it.

What I'll tell him if he calls me again is, maybe you're right - maybe I am into drama, b/c I've put up with your drama for the past 7 months. So, I better end the drama.

I think I'm done. I cant believe he treated me like that this morning, when he knows what I'm dealing with right now. I was stupid for letting him come over again in the first place, but... last night, really screwed with me - and I felt I needed that "friend" there. Well, I'm sorry for looking desperate now. I guess I am.
Lost40 is offline  
post #19 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-18-2015, 04:22 PM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,423
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Lost, I'm sorry about your dad. I lost mine three and a half years ago to cancer and I rode that roller coaster with him for three years and had to tell him to go at the end. He was there for me during my divorce and we were very close. I feel very alone without him. I understand where you are right now.

Do yourself a favor and stop taking this guy's calls. You don't need the extra drama, it will just wear you out.

Didn't we decide that we are like 3 days apart?

You can always PM me if you want to chat more.
Posted via Mobile Device
lifeistooshort is offline  
post #20 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-18-2015, 04:29 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Lost40's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 244
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Life, Yes! We are very close in age, like 3 days - or something crazy, lol

I'm sorry you lost your dad, cancer is so horrible - this is the 2nd time it's come back, it went somewhere else this time. What cancer did your dad have?

I feel same as you, my dad helped me through my divorce so much - I mean, he spent every single day - supporting me, until I no longer needed it. It's terrible, this happened.
Lost40 is offline  
post #21 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-18-2015, 04:33 PM
Member
 
sixty-eight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 1,160
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

High functioning alcoholics are really difficult. I have a LOT of experience with my family. And many alcoholics have a lot of experience in hiding it from employers, family and friends. The fact that you didn't see it at first doesn't surprise me at all, because you likely weren't supposed to.

I was reading through earlier posts and i saw that you were concerned about his eating habits. Big red flag. I can't count how many times i have offered food to one of them on a bender and been told they didn't want it because it would kill some of their buzz. My youngest brother and my dad are the worst with that, and they are the ones that are unable to quit the cycle on their own, the worst offenders. That your (now ex?)BF exhibits similarities with the worst drinkers i know is worrying. That is a sign of an intent to being really drunk by the end of the night, not just casual drinking, more of a calculated race to drunkenness.
And my dad does that with the fixing everything and working really hard as well. Sometimes it's guilt, he works hard so that it evens out with all the time he spends on a bar stool. Some of it is vanity, he doesn't want a beer gut.

Keep in mind, you might receive more calls where he says all the right things. Drunks tend to love routine.
I'm glad he showed you his true colors while it's still relatively easy for you to walk away, but I'm so sorry about your dad.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
sixty-eight is offline  
post #22 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-18-2015, 05:25 PM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,423
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

He had lung cancer that spread to his brain and ultimately to his liver. Radiation killed the brain tumors each of the three times they showed up, which was important because he really wanted to keep his faculties, which he did.

He used to call me almost every night. Cancer is a roller coaster for the whole family.


He didn't know about the liver spread, his doctor told me. The week before he died I spoke to his doctor and he said that my dad had made him promise he wouldn't let him suffer, and the doctor felt that time had come. He told me he didn't know how long it would take but there was nothing but suffering ahead. I flew out two days later and told my dad there was nothing left for him here and it was time. He removed his oxygen and died the same night.

When he was sick and I was getting remarried he told me that I had to be extra careful because he wouldn't be around to help next time. I told him I'd be ok because I'd never be vulnerable like I was during my divorce, I had two little kids and had just finished being a sahm . Those days are behind me now.

I never would've made it through my divorce without him.
Posted via Mobile Device

Last edited by lifeistooshort; 10-18-2015 at 07:44 PM.
lifeistooshort is offline  
post #23 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 10:22 AM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,023
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Lost40, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I really am. At times like this, we turn to something (or someone) familiar for comfort, and that's why you turned to the BF. He soothed the pain of losing your marriage, and accepting his offer of comfort seemed natural.

But he's not good for you. He's clearly not helping you in any way, even if his alcoholism wasn't an issue. It would be better to deal with all of this alone--finding your inner strength--rather than have the "support" of this man, who simply causes you more grief and heartache.

And a warning: this break-up/separation from him is going to be HARD. You never dealt with all the emotions and grief of losing your marriage, because you jumped into a relationship with this guy. So, you're going to be dealing with the emotions/grief of breaking up with this guy, and that's going to pull up everything you didn't process from losing your marriage, whether you want it to or not.

Are you still seeing your therapist? If not, I recommend that you start again. You're going to need some help unpacking this. And check out Codependent No More. I think it may help you as you move out of this relationship.

Are there any support groups that you could join, so that you could have some camaraderie and support while dealing with your father's illness? I hope you will look into this.

And remember, you're not alone. We're here for you, and maybe you can't see our faces, and while we can't give you a hug or a literal shoulder to cry on, we care about you. It's why we post here on your thread.

*hugs*

(Oh, and in case you need this: He is such a tool! I can't believe he did that! Grrrrl, you know you deserve so much better than that. He is really a piece of work. Kick him to the curb, and tell him he better watch your ass as you walk away, because that's the last time he'll ever see something that fine. He's a low-down, dirty scrub! Grrrrl, I know you don't want no nasty-ass scrub. Leave him on the curb, you deserve so much better.)


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is offline  
post #24 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 11:20 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Lost40's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 244
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

SixtyEight - I thought the very thing myself, he is not eating b/c it kills the buzz. I don't think there is any other excuse for it! Every single person in this world, needs to eat - some more than others, I get that -- But... he never eats, once in awhile you'll see him eat peanuts or pork skins. Then if we ever go out to eat, he'll order a "side salad" - and that's it. That makes me worse mad, now that I know this is why he's doing it - I kind of thought that, but just thought - No... you're wrong, he's just not a big eater, like you are. Now, that I'm letting things out - I'll never forget, when we went to a fancier restaurant, I got fed up with not being taken to one - ever. So, I chose that night. So, we go in - and it was a nice place... He wouldn't eat, again. He just drank beer. I was so mad that night, I asked him to go to eat with me, and he said he would - and then he wouldn't eat. So I sat there eating by myself. I wouldn't talk to him like I normally do, just stayed quiet for awhile b/c I was embarassed and hurt, then he got mad b/c I was being quiet, and so I started talking to him - b/c he was getting loud.. and then, it was too late - Damage was done... He got up and went to the Bar, left me sitting there alone. I asked for a box, and packed my food up - which was barely touched, and went out to the car. I won't go back to this restaurant, ever.

I got a text from him last night... It said "Enjoy your problems, all of them... " I just wrote back, Thanks - that is nice of you, I'm sure it will be enjoyable watching my Dad deal with this, you're nasty and mean... Don't text me again. He wrote back "Enjoy them a lot".

I think thats horrible. So, now that he senses were breaking up, he's being extra mean is what it is.
Lost40 is offline  
post #25 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Lost40's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 244
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Lifestooshort, That is ashame. I'm sorry you had this to deal with. ((Hugs))

It sounds like you and him were a team, and very close. I'm glad you got to see him, and gave him your blessing - I'm a firm believer in sometimes the sick, need that - to be at peace, and let go. You gave him that. How special.

Thank you for sharing and talking, it helps to know - you do get through it. I can imagine, this diagnosis will be a roller coaster!
Lost40 is offline  
post #26 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 11:38 AM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,023
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost40 View Post
I got a text from him last night... It said "Enjoy your problems, all of them... " I just wrote back, Thanks - that is nice of you, I'm sure it will be enjoyable watching my Dad deal with this, you're nasty and mean... Don't text me again. He wrote back "Enjoy them a lot".

I think thats horrible. So, now that he senses were breaking up, he's being extra mean is what it is.
Don't give him the satisfaction of getting a response from you. Block him, and lose his number. No contact.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is offline  
post #27 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 11:48 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Lost40's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 244
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

FeminPink, Yes... I can imagine I will need my therapy again, I already called first thing this morning and asked if I could start coming back. I can't believe I asked like that, I said "Is it okay, even though I've already stopped, to start again?" I think I feel stupid is the problem. I thought I was golden, and ready to go --- So, I quit going. I went to him for over a year... once a week, for over a year. Then, just stopped. So, I'll feel stupid tomorrow - thankfully he's got opening tomorrow.

I can tell this is going to be hard to do... You have no idea how bad, I want to text that as$ and just say something - I don't even know what, which is why I probably haven't. I don't know why I got myself into this mess... Well, I sort of do. It felt good. It felt nice to have someone there.

The problem is... telling my son, and my family. They all really like him, b/c I never shared with them what was happening, and I did the complete opposite - telling them how great he was. I kept it from them. I thought, no you can't tell them --- They will either disapprove, or get mad at you for dealing with it. I don't want to hear either one, so I kept it. Now the question becomes, how do I tell them. I'm not going to for awhile, perhaps I'll just let it go - and next time it comes up, I'll play it off - and do that for awhile, until it becomes obvious. The last thing my parents need right now, is feeling they have to worry about me.

He's not my type.. He was... Then it changed. My friend tells me, No... people don't change. But, I think so.
Lost40 is offline  
post #28 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 12:28 PM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,423
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Thank you for the hugs

This guy texting you is actually a big gift.....he's giving you more insight into what kind of human being he is. It will make it easier to cut him off, so do not respond to him anymore.

As for your dad, you do get through it. I can't say it doesn't still suck, because it does, but the fact is that we're supposed to bury our parents. That's they way life works.....I wish I didn't have to bury my dad at 67 but it could be worse. Plenty of people lose their parents much earlier so at least I got 38 years with him.

The only bit of advice I can offer is to make sure everything you need to say to him is said. It's a tremendous help to have no regrets about things you didn't say and makes it a little easier to give them your blessing to go. In my dad's case he didn't just need permission, he needed marching orders.

I used to tell him all the time that I had nothing more I needed to tell him and every conversation we got to have was cake icing. He agreed.
lifeistooshort is offline  
post #29 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 03:47 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,023
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost40 View Post
FeminPink, Yes... I can imagine I will need my therapy again, I already called first thing this morning and asked if I could start coming back. I can't believe I asked like that, I said "Is it okay, even though I've already stopped, to start again?" I think I feel stupid is the problem. I thought I was golden, and ready to go --- So, I quit going. I went to him for over a year... once a week, for over a year. Then, just stopped. So, I'll feel stupid tomorrow - thankfully he's got opening tomorrow.

I can tell this is going to be hard to do... You have no idea how bad, I want to text that as$ and just say something - I don't even know what, which is why I probably haven't. I don't know why I got myself into this mess... Well, I sort of do. It felt good. It felt nice to have someone there.

The problem is... telling my son, and my family. They all really like him, b/c I never shared with them what was happening, and I did the complete opposite - telling them how great he was. I kept it from them. I thought, no you can't tell them --- They will either disapprove, or get mad at you for dealing with it. I don't want to hear either one, so I kept it. Now the question becomes, how do I tell them. I'm not going to for awhile, perhaps I'll just let it go - and next time it comes up, I'll play it off - and do that for awhile, until it becomes obvious. The last thing my parents need right now, is feeling they have to worry about me.

He's not my type.. He was... Then it changed. My friend tells me, No... people don't change. But, I think so.
Don't feel stupid. There are tons of people who stop therapy before they are ready, and then they go out and make the same mistakes. And they never go back. Your therapist was probably happy to hear from you, and is glad that you're starting up again. Not because it proves that he was right, but because you're taking a step in the right direction.

Don't worry about telling your family. You broke it off with him, and that's your business. A simple, "Ultimately, we weren't a good long-term match/we weren't compatible, and it was time for me to move on," should suffice. You don't have to say anything else if you don't want to. (Or, just choose the biggest blabbermouth in the family, and tell her everything, and before you know it, everyone will know, and you didn't have to do anything. Just kidding on that one. Or maybe I'm not Just be careful, sometimes the blabbermouth suddenly decides that she's going to respect someone's privacy for once, and doesn't play her part as expected. Choose your blabbermouths wisely.) You might want to give your son a little more information, depending on how old he is and how invested he was in your relationship with this guy. That's up to your discretion.

But I do think that ^^^this is something you should talk about with your therapist--why did you feel the need to pretend that your relationship was a bucket of roses for your family? If a guy is good for you, you won't have to hide the reality of the relationship from anyone, especially your family.

And I do think you need to start being honest with the people close to you about what's going on in your life and how you feel about... whatever it is that you're having feelings about at the moment. You need to examine why you do this--I think it will help you immensely.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is offline  
post #30 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 03:49 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,023
Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

And... DON'T TEXT HIM!!!

Let him fester in his own bile.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Husband making the same mistakes, what should a family member do Bobby5000 Financial Problems in Marriage 14 07-28-2014 10:48 PM
1st Post. 1st Marriage. Lots of concerns. SamsungUser86 General Relationship Discussion 18 04-24-2013 01:39 PM
Making your Relationship Sweeter Everyday bethshek Long Term Success in Marriage 3 04-10-2013 11:12 AM
1st week of divorce office girlie Going Through Divorce or Separation 62 12-15-2012 04:32 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome