Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?
I'm having a terrible day, well let's just a terrible weekend. I've allowed this man to fill a void in my life, as after the divorce - I became very depressed - and for awhile wanted nothing, then I started wanting - and, now... look what I found myself tangled up with. However, in some sick fashion - he filled a void. But, at the same time - I fell in love again. I fell in love with someone who isn't who I need.
I just found out last night, after my last post here - that my Dad's cancer returned - they wanted to meet that night, so I did - that is why. However, it spread - it is now in another location. When I found this out, I basically lost everything in me - all the strength, power, etc. - I've gained these past months. It's all gone, just like that. I felt incredibly alone, I felt like no one was there. After the divorce, it was my parents and sister I felt most comfortable going to - to support me. Well, this time - I can't. Now, they need my support - and I'll be there, like never before. But - I came away from meeting that night, and just lost it. The feelings of loss, fear, guilt, anger - all of it - returned.
I was on my drive home, in fact - I was pulled over, b/c I was crying (I didn't cry in front of my parents, so when I got in the car - I just let it out) - and, the BF called. I sat there, and thought - do I answer? I was so upset, I needed that shoulder to cry on. I answered. He seemed supportive, and told me he was Sorry - and that he wished he were here, to give me a hug. He sounded like the old guy, I fell in love with. He said all the right things... Please let me come be with you, you need to have someone there. I'm not drunk I won't get drunk, I just want to be with you - to hold you, and and make you feel loved.
OK... Well, I'm weak... I'm a weak person anyway - but, add on top of this, I just received devastating news - and was alone, and going to be alone all weekend. I thought, OK... maybe he's being sincere. I said, OK - please come, but I can't fight - I don't want to be blamed for anything - I don't want to see you drunk - and none of these are suggestions - they are musts. He said, he promised - you'll never see me get drunk again, yadda yadda yadda.
Over he comes, and it went okay... He was nice, and supportive. He wasn't drunk, he did have 2 beers - but, normal size cans - and only 2. That is normal, in my book. We watched a movie and fell asleep, he held me all night. It was what I remembered from the beginning. I remember waking up sometime last night having some nightmare, as I was thrashing around, and kinda half woke up - kind of yelling, "get it off, get it off of me". He woke up, and just squeezed me tighter. It was nice.
We woke up this morning, and he wanted to be intimate. I guess I was willing, especially after last night. So, that begins to happen - and he was the same way. He couldn't get it to work. Then he kind of made a face, and sorta laughed... and so, I felt sorry for him - and kind of gave him a sincere smile, and little fake "heh" (not a laugh by any means) to meet his laughter, though I wasn't laughing, I was only trying to show him I was meeting his emotions, and I told him "It's okay, just hold me" .... I honestly meant nothing more by it... and he blew up at me.... Started yelling at me "NEVER laugh at me, it's NEVER ok to laugh at me". I tried telling him, No no... I was NOT laughing at you, you were laughing, and I guess I was just trying to show you, it was OK - I was okay with it.... so I smiled back at you, and kind of gave you a little "Eh, it's okay" gesture, but I did so with a smile on my face, and I guess it came out as a laugh to him, I don't know. I know what laughing is, and I was not doing that. Plus, I know it's a huge no no to laugh at anything regarding this, especially if something isn't going right. I wasn't born yesterday...
Well - so, he was done. He was so mad. Yelled, cursed, started putting his clothes and shoes on, telling me - "I'm leaving, I'm not going to do this - you're nasty he said, and some other stuff"... I kind of quit listening, b/c I started crying, and pulled the sheets up over my head. Then he stood in my door way, and kept saying things like "Is that what you want, you want me to leave - b/c I'm about done with you - You're never happy, and I don't want you pulling me down too!"
I got up out of bed, and told him "You can go do what you want, I'm not doing this. I got bad news yesterday, now I'm crying again - you're mean for making me feel bad, you know what I'm going through right now - and thats terrible of you!"
He said, all you are is drama... you always have something wrong, and then want people feeling sorry for you. I told him to go. He left.
First of all, I am not drama seeker. I was with him before my divorce was final, so there were maybe 2-3 times I would kind of talk to him about my upcoming next court date, I also talked to him before "trial". But, if I did 3 times - that is a lot - PLUS, he knew - and I gave him plenty of warning and what not that I wasn't divorced yet - but had been separated for a year, he was OK with it.
What I'll tell him if he calls me again is, maybe you're right - maybe I am into drama, b/c I've put up with your drama for the past 7 months. So, I better end the drama.
I think I'm done. I cant believe he treated me like that this morning, when he knows what I'm dealing with right now. I was stupid for letting him come over again in the first place, but... last night, really screwed with me - and I felt I needed that "friend" there. Well, I'm sorry for looking desperate now. I guess I am.