Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #31 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 07:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

He texted me, and told me that I need to work on getting well. He has no reason to say that, but it makes me feel stupid - like I'm mentally ill or something. I've never in my life had depression before this divorce. I do have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) but it is well controlled through medication, and really the only time the medicine didn't help was when ex just left me - and for a good several months after... They readjusted dose, and added something (Klonopin) to help - and it did... Now I'm back to my regular dose, and don't use the Klonopin.

I think he's saying it b/c he knows I'm right, and he's trying to make me feel bad.

Yeah, I don't know why I don't tell my family anymore. I USED to. I used to go to them all the time, with my ex husband, and the divorce and everything. I think it's more just like, I've failed once - and I don't want to look like I'm failing again. I don't even tell my friends. The only friend that knows is the one who is going through a divorce herself - and she comes over all the time - so, she knows him for how he is, just like I do. She tells me I need to get rid of, but.... I don't listen b/c she's all anti-men right now... and I just figured well, she doesn't know. But... She did.
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post #32 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 07:22 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

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SixtyEight - I thought the very thing myself, he is not eating b/c it kills the buzz. I don't think there is any other excuse for it!

I got a text from him last night... It said "Enjoy your problems, all of them... " I just wrote back, Thanks - that is nice of you, I'm sure it will be enjoyable watching my Dad deal with this, you're nasty and mean... Don't text me again. He wrote back "Enjoy them a lot".

I think thats horrible. So, now that he senses were breaking up, he's being extra mean is what it is.
yeah, i don't know him, so i can't say 100%, but...
in my experience, that's what it means. Don't let it get to you. this is pathetic addict behavior. You can go back to that restaurant any time you want. you have done nothing to be ashamed of, and his problems have nothing to do with you anymore.

i agree with FeministInPink. He's texting you now, purely to provoke. block him.

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Don't give him the satisfaction of getting a response from you. Block him, and lose his number. No contact.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #33 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 07:40 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Ignore him. Repeat: do not respond.

Block his number now.
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post #34 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-20-2015, 07:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

I blocked his #, but the why it's seeming to work is - it just mutes him, his texts still come across - but, they are silent, and don't notify me of them - until I open them for something else - then I'll see his. I bet there is a way to block the #, I'll call Verizon.

This is going to be hard I don't even know why... I wonder why I've had a problem with guys being nasty to me like that. First my ex, now this one. It almost seems like I'm making it up, b/c how can that happen twice in a row like that. Oh well, I know for a fact I didn't do anything wrong... Plus, reading about alcoholics, seems this is what they do. Place blame.
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post #35 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-20-2015, 08:26 AM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Lost40, I'm also sorry to hear about your father.

There's not much I can add to the advice given, except that I heartily agree with all of it. Take the time to completely expunge this man from your life. All letters, numbers, things, etc. Make a bonfire.

I feel very sorry that you ran into his arms when you were hurting. Had a sensible girlfriend been by your side when he called, she'd have never let you do that. Don't beat yourself up over it. You made a mistake, so do we all when we're hurt and vulnerable. Learn from it.

I think you need some healthy friends in your life and some healthy activities to keep you focused on that path of healing. Be there for your family during this time, but also be there for yourself.

It's OK to grieve in front of your family. Really, it is.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #36 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-20-2015, 11:38 AM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

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He texted me, and told me that I need to work on getting well. He has no reason to say that, but it makes me feel stupid - like I'm mentally ill or something. I've never in my life had depression before this divorce. I do have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) but it is well controlled through medication, and really the only time the medicine didn't help was when ex just left me - and for a good several months after... They readjusted dose, and added something (Klonopin) to help - and it did... Now I'm back to my regular dose, and don't use the Klonopin.

I think he's saying it b/c he knows I'm right, and he's trying to make me feel bad.
He's trying to manipulate you/make himself look like the good guy. A guy like this--even when he says things that appear to be generous and heartfelt, it's most likely not heartfelt and not generous. It's most likely a way to manipulate. He's painting himself as the good guy, and trying to make it look like your GAD is responsible for your behavior. He's trying to make you think that YOUR behavior isn't rational, because if he can convince you of that, then maybe he can convince you (read: manipulate you) to re-start the relationship.

Don't fall for it.

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Yeah, I don't know why I don't tell my family anymore. I USED to. I used to go to them all the time, with my ex husband, and the divorce and everything. I think it's more just like, I've failed once - and I don't want to look like I'm failing again. I don't even tell my friends. The only friend that knows is the one who is going through a divorce herself - and she comes over all the time - so, she knows him for how he is, just like I do. She tells me I need to get rid of, but.... I don't listen b/c she's all anti-men right now... and I just figured well, she doesn't know. But... She did.
My guess would be... pride. How many of them told you not to get involved with a new guy so soon, but you went and did it anyway? You didn't want to admit that he wasn't as great as you previously thought, because that would mean that they were right. It's a normal thing, pride, but there's a reason it's a vice... if you can let go of your pride and embrace humility, it's incredibly freeing and leads to better choices, which leads to a better life and more contentment.

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I blocked his #, but the why it's seeming to work is - it just mutes him, his texts still come across - but, they are silent, and don't notify me of them - until I open them for something else - then I'll see his. I bet there is a way to block the #, I'll call Verizon.
Do a Google search on how to mark someone's texts as spam on your type of phone. It's based on what type of phone and operating system your phone uses. That may be more helpful than calling Verizon. OR go to a Verizon store and and talk to an associate who uses the same type of phone that you do--they know all the tricks.

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This is going to be hard I don't even know why... I wonder why I've had a problem with guys being nasty to me like that. First my ex, now this one. It almost seems like I'm making it up, b/c how can that happen twice in a row like that. Oh well, I know for a fact I didn't do anything wrong... Plus, reading about alcoholics, seems this is what they do. Place blame.
You didn't do anything, wrong, but your picker might be broken. That's why it's important that you go back to IC and STICK WITH IT. You didn't do anything wrong, but you are the one who a) chose men with emotional problems, and b) didn't recognize it and tried to stick with them. Why would you do that? You need to figure that out, and you need to fix that in yourself--otherwise, this is going to happen again. The only person who can stop that cycle is YOU. You need take ownership and responsibility for the role that you played in allowing these dysfunctional relationships to begin and/or continue. If you can't do that, you won't be able to fix whatever is leading you to make these [poor] choices in the first place.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #37 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-21-2015, 10:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Your right, Thank you Fem for saying that. I went back to IC yesterday. Felt good to get there and start again. I won't stop this time, but to be fair - I was going for 13 months, once a week. That is a long time. It's not like I was just a once in awhile goer... lol

I will get this right... If I can make it through what I just did w/ divorce - I can make it through this.

Thank you all for listening!
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post #38 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-21-2015, 01:32 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

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Your right, Thank you Fem for saying that. I went back to IC yesterday. Felt good to get there and start again. I won't stop this time, but to be fair - I was going for 13 months, once a week. That is a long time. It's not like I was just a once in awhile goer... lol

I will get this right... If I can make it through what I just did w/ divorce - I can make it through this.

Thank you all for listening!
Lost40, not everyone heals in the same way, within the same time frame. There's no due date when you're supposed to feel ready. You'll just "know" when you're really there. I'm not sure how else to describe it.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #39 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-21-2015, 07:56 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Lost40, what he is doing is deflecting and shifting blame.

Facts are facts when it comes to his drinking. To hide his own issues, because he needs or feels like he needs the alcohol to function, he will try changing those around him.

To be honest, his brain may need the alcohol to function now. Reasons why he probably no longer a viable partner.

As it comes to growth, you did grow. It takes time. Behavior is a slow process. Even armed with knowledge, it takes time to ingrain that knowledge into action. Like learning toride a horse. It takes time to get the basic before going onto more complicated things. Btw, I know nothing about horses but since I have great memories, I remember you ride horses from your past thread.

It is a marathon, not a race. You will handle life at your pace.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
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