Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes? - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 03:10 PM Thread Starter
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Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Hey all,
I could use some advice. I'm editing this to keep it shorter, I'm trying to get out the full picture here for best help.

I've known this guy now for almost 7 months now. He started out, being this wonderful guy... who, was almost everything I imagined it would be like, plus more. However... I've been thinking recently he might have a drinking problem (it's not changed, but I overlooked it early on). He says he doesn't, but... There comes a point, when you kind of know. But - I don't know what makes one an alcoholic. I don't have experience. I've researched it, but depending on the site you look at ... He is, or he "almost" is, or he isn't yet type of thing. He is definitely a high functioning - if he is. He has a good job, and works extremely hard in and out of his home. He has custody of his son, and is a very good Father. He does so much for me, and has helped around my farm an immense amount - I think he's done more for my place, these past 7 months, than my ex ever did - in 14 years. He never stops, he is constantly doing something - staying busy - can't sit still type. But he always has a Beer in hand, never without.

He states, this has happened since his divorce, before that - he wasn't - only drank socially. He's been divorced 2.5 years now. He also is the victim of an affair (like me), but he was cheated on multiple times, she had many partners in her secret life. He gave her chance after chance, and then she finally turned around and divorced him - when she found the one she eventually married, 2 months later. Not only did she skip out on him, she skipped out on her 6 year old son - leaving him with his Dad - and making no effort to see him for almost 2 years (Now, she is), she took everything from him - the house, his business - everything. Said she wanted the Boy for visitation, but never would come get him. He clearly went into depression, and started drinking.

So, I've had hope for him. I had hope, he would stop. I too went into depression, and dealt with things my way - he dealt with things his. I was sure, that once he found someone he loved (which he claims he does love me) - that, he would back off having so many. I've asked him - many times. He tells me he will, and sometimes he does - slow down. If my son is here, he won't drink much at all... I won't allow it, and he knows this, he will have a few - which is fine, my son is used to that - everyone in my family drinks, almost every day - but 1 or max 2 only, except me - I never got into the habit. So, considering he can somewhat control the consumption - gives me hope.

The problem is, when son isn't here... He's usually drunk by the time it gets dark out - and, it's just not fun. It's like you're talking, but nobody is home. In the beginning, he obviously controlled himself... I knew he drank, but... his moods are starting to change. He's not mean, but he's impossible - if that makes any sense. Everything is your fault, never his. He will say something off the wall, you comment on it - and he gets mad about it, and then denies ever saying it - when he said it literally seconds ago. He gets upset easily, but doesn't really cause any problems or anything - just, gets upset. But, I will say - just as quickly as he gets upset, he quickly lets it go too. Until recently, now that's changing more to a he won't let things go... Even if I ask him, let's drop it. He won't. He wants to go on, and on about it.

I reached my breaking point a month or so ago, and told him I wasn't happy. I'm not okay with drinking to this level - Sure, I like to let loose from time to time, or at a party - But, this is insanity. I told him, you aren't who you were when we first met - you either hid it well, or you've let your guard down. You blame me for everything (and I still accept blame, like I did with ex - I have issues with that obviously) - and I'm tired of taking the blame for everything. He promised he would change, and he promised he would slow down - but he would never stop. It's who he is, and he likes to have Beer. I told him, within reason is fine. I know a lot of people who have A beer with dinner, or at night. But - drinking 6-7-8 - 16 ounce beers (not just the regular size) is too many. He agreed.

He's not held up his promise. He drinks just as many, and lacks what I'm looking for anymore. He isn't empathetic at all, he doesn't like to show affection like he used to, he never wants to go out (and that is b/c he knows he's drunk and shouldn't be in a car), he blames me - sometimes it might be OK, but most times not. Our sex life has become non-existent b/c he's usually too drunk to make things work. And, he's becoming more argumentative.

The problem is, I fell in love with him. He's a good person outside of that - he treated me so good, and still does when he is sober. He's been awesome to my son (b/c I don't allow drinking around him, so he's sober). He does so much for me, us and everyone around him. I mean, he is truly a good person - he has it in him. My family and friends love him, they don't know this side - I've not told them, I've told no one. Because, I know what that will be like.

I just don't know what more to do. He won't go get help, I know that - be/c he's in denial. He thinks its normal. He tells me that. Sometimes he'll admit to having too many sometimes - but, for the most part - it's all normal.

What do I do? I don't want to give up on him, but at the same time I'm afraid he will let the guard down again, and start drinking heavily around my son - and I don't want that. I find it sad, he does it around his son, but I can't control that... I can control what MY son see's though. Thankfully he hasn't seen anything, he's seen a beer or two - that's it.
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post #2 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 04:21 PM
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After being married to an alcoholic & working in a Substance Abuse Program for 5 years, I have come to this simple diagnostic test: does the drinking effect his life - work, legal, or relationships? If the answer to any of those is yes, then the drinking is a problem. It's not a matter of how much or how often, only how they behave when drinking & knowing this they drink anyway.
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post #3 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 04:44 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Fall out of love with him.

He bait and switched you.

The guy you fell for does not exist. At least, not outside of your own head.
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post #4 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 05:17 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Red flag girlfriend. Your love and caring will not stop him nor motivate him. He has you by his side and he has his other crutch, alcohol.

During the honeymoon phase of any new relationship, there is a strong motivation to be at one's best, hence you did not see the normal him. As the honeymoon phase diminishes, he will devolve even further.

Remember to detach, take a step back to analyze your situation. Those attachment feelings will bring out your nurture side in order to protect him, even from himself. This makes you more attach and involved and traps you emotionally to try and save him.

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post #5 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 05:43 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

OP,
Form what website did you determine that a man who consumes 6-7-8 16oz. beers per evening, is usually drunk by sunset, so much so that he can't obtain/sustain an erection for sex and cannot go out to dinner because he is too drunk to drive as being "almost" an alcoholic? I suppose, according to this website, as long as you only kill one person a week then you are only "almost" a murderer.?. I fear you are refusing to see and accept reality. I do not mean to sound harsh but you could go to your local "hire-a-drunk" day labor pool and get basically what you have now with him.

Also, consider that whatever influence you have over his behavior is waning. In the beginning you wielded much but now, 7 months later, not so much. What happens when he no longer complies with your wish that he not drink around your son? Then what? I understand you believe that you have feelings for him but is it reciprocated? Whatever his feelings for you are his feelings for alcohol are stronger. If they were not he would be making love to you and not that beer bottle. I sincerely hope that you can see this before you get in so deeply that you feel trapped, if that has not occurred already. For the sake of you and your son I hope not. Good fortune to you, if you remain with him you may need it.

Peace and long life
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post #6 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 07:13 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Yes, he is an alcoholic. You've been together long enough that he feels like he can be himself, and the real him likes to get drunk every night.

This isn't healthy, and it's not going to get better.

I recommend breaking up with him. You're not in love with HIM; you're in love with the image that he presented to you early on, and that man does not exist.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #7 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 08:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

I don't remember what website - it was some quiz, I filled out - and that was the results. But - I've since looked at more and it just seems, depending on my mood or answers - the result is often similar - but different. Perhaps, it is I - who was in denial somewhat. And, answered the questions half truthfully bc I didn't want to hear what I knew was true....

I wished I would've acted sooner than I did --- b/c now I've only prolonged, and made my addiction to him grow stronger. See, I knew better... my therapist told me, he said - the reason you don't want to get involved with anyone right now is b/c you're still hurting (this was 7 months ago, remember) from the loss of your marriage - and, when people get involved too soon - they overlook things, they normally wouldn't overlook - and then they get trapped or stuck in a bad relationship. Well, here -- I am. I didn't listen. I was certain I waited enough time - I tried to go out with someone a friend tried to introduce me to - and, there wasn't even a little bit of me - that was interested in even meeting the guy - but, willing for my friend -- and even after I met him, I wasn't interested.

Then along comes this one... and, I was just like "Yeah okay, this is cool - I like him, I can look at him, talk to him, and be around him - and not be reminded of what I lost".

BUT NOW? Now, I do. When he drinks too much and I have a man in my house - who can't even walk straight, bounces into walls, talks nonsense, etc etc... It's like, OMG... I lost my husband, and now I'm here. It's like I'm reverting. Is that normal?

The strong point in this is - I recognize it now... I've allowed it not to go on in front of son.... And, I'm about ready to pull the plug, before anything else were to happen.
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post #8 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 08:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

How can people change themselves like that? I understand the concept of being on your best behavior... I'm sure I was that too, but - I've not changed who I am as a person. I mean this guy went from... someone I thought liked having a few beers, to someone who abuses it. I know it's not since I've known him... from the talks we've had, about it - this is who he is, and has been since divorce. I guess I was blind to it. Or, he hid it.

Good lord, I need help. LOL

Part of the problem is - he thinks he's spending time with me, when he's over here. The problem is, he's not spending time with me - he's off doing his own thing. Like I said, he likes keeping busy. He does a lot, and if he can't find something that needs done, he works on improving something that doesn't need it. To him, that is spending time. He never wants to go out, we rarely go out. Of course the sex life is nada. He makes a big deal out of wanting to do simple things, like cuddling, kissing or holding hands. When he used to love it, and say I didn't do enough of it.

Oh yeah and he doesn't eat. I've never seen anything like it. He can go days on end and not eat anything but, picking up a pack of chips or peanuts at the gas station when he goes in to buy his 6 pack. Once in awhile, he'll eat food - but -- not often. So - the latest thing he did - that really set me back, thinking "Is this for me?" - Is, when he asked me to go with him to meet a friend to let his friend into this building he wanted to look at. He swore it would take max - 15 minutes. I said fine, but I have to eat dinner. I know how he is, he won't eat - I have to. So, I have to say stuff like this. I'm on a strict diet, and eating small meals throughout the day is necessary. He said, Oh yeah - we both will. Let's just go meet him first. I agreed.

Well... We get there, and his friend had a 12 pack of Beer. I was like, Holy Hell... I know what this means. So, what did we do? We sat there for almost 4 hours, while they finished this 12 pack, or almost finished it. Around 5, I said - Ok - Lets take this to a restaurant, I gotta eat - you guys can have beer there. They both were like, Nah.. this is better, it's not crowded here. So, I sat there until almost 8pm, without eating - while they sat there and got drunk. That made me so mad, and he got mad at me - for being upset by this. He told me, I was jealous of him spending time with his friend. I said no, You were disrespectful - knowing I had to have dinner - and ignoring my needs, so you could sit there and drink beer. Not making sure I had a drink or anything. I don't drink beer, and there was no water or anything for me to drink.
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post #9 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 08:44 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Lost40, it's good to see you! I wondered how you were doing.

This guy is a drunk and you like to save people. He's past the phase of wanting to court you and you're now seeing who he really is.

Do yourself a favor and end this now. Once you get rid of him you'll think about him less and less. Dating is to weed out poor matches, and this guy is a poor match.
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post #10 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 09:09 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Well, he has more of a negative side to hide. Look at it this way, an abusive person would not be abusive from the beginning, but it does escalate further and further.

Add him on his best behavior to find a mate, and you with your love goggles on, it is easy to overlook these signs.

You will make mistakes, and the point is to learn and grow, not beat yourself up.

Btw, hi! Welcome back.

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post #11 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-14-2015, 07:40 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Take him to a meeting. If he won't go, then cut him loose. There are way to many men out there looking for a good woman that has her "stuff" together. You shouldn't be wasting your time trying to fix something that doesn't want fixing.
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post #12 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-14-2015, 08:03 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Hold a beer in one hand and a key in the other symbolizing a key to your heart. Tell him to choose one now so you can walk if need be to protect urself. Dude
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post #13 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-14-2015, 08:33 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost40 View Post
Hey all,
I could use some advice. I'm editing this to keep it shorter, I'm trying to get out the full picture here for best help.

I've known this guy now for almost 7 months now. He started out, being this wonderful guy... who, was almost everything I imagined it would be like, plus more. However... I've been thinking recently he might have a drinking problem (it's not changed, but I overlooked it early on). He says he doesn't, but... There comes a point, when you kind of know. But - I don't know what makes one an alcoholic. I don't have experience. I've researched it, but depending on the site you look at ... He is, or he "almost" is, or he isn't yet type of thing. He is definitely a high functioning - if he is. He has a good job, and works extremely hard in and out of his home. He has custody of his son, and is a very good Father. He does so much for me, and has helped around my farm an immense amount - I think he's done more for my place, these past 7 months, than my ex ever did - in 14 years. He never stops, he is constantly doing something - staying busy - can't sit still type. But he always has a Beer in hand, never without.

He states, this has happened since his divorce, before that - he wasn't - only drank socially. He's been divorced 2.5 years now. He also is the victim of an affair (like me), but he was cheated on multiple times, she had many partners in her secret life. He gave her chance after chance, and then she finally turned around and divorced him - when she found the one she eventually married, 2 months later. Not only did she skip out on him, she skipped out on her 6 year old son - leaving him with his Dad - and making no effort to see him for almost 2 years (Now, she is), she took everything from him - the house, his business - everything. Said she wanted the Boy for visitation, but never would come get him. He clearly went into depression, and started drinking.

So, I've had hope for him. I had hope, he would stop. I too went into depression, and dealt with things my way - he dealt with things his. I was sure, that once he found someone he loved (which he claims he does love me) - that, he would back off having so many. I've asked him - many times. He tells me he will, and sometimes he does - slow down. If my son is here, he won't drink much at all... I won't allow it, and he knows this, he will have a few - which is fine, my son is used to that - everyone in my family drinks, almost every day - but 1 or max 2 only, except me - I never got into the habit. So, considering he can somewhat control the consumption - gives me hope.

The problem is, when son isn't here... He's usually drunk by the time it gets dark out - and, it's just not fun. It's like you're talking, but nobody is home. In the beginning, he obviously controlled himself... I knew he drank, but... his moods are starting to change. He's not mean, but he's impossible - if that makes any sense. Everything is your fault, never his. He will say something off the wall, you comment on it - and he gets mad about it, and then denies ever saying it - when he said it literally seconds ago. He gets upset easily, but doesn't really cause any problems or anything - just, gets upset. But, I will say - just as quickly as he gets upset, he quickly lets it go too. Until recently, now that's changing more to a he won't let things go... Even if I ask him, let's drop it. He won't. He wants to go on, and on about it.

I reached my breaking point a month or so ago, and told him I wasn't happy. I'm not okay with drinking to this level - Sure, I like to let loose from time to time, or at a party - But, this is insanity. I told him, you aren't who you were when we first met - you either hid it well, or you've let your guard down. You blame me for everything (and I still accept blame, like I did with ex - I have issues with that obviously) - and I'm tired of taking the blame for everything. He promised he would change, and he promised he would slow down - but he would never stop. It's who he is, and he likes to have Beer. I told him, within reason is fine. I know a lot of people who have A beer with dinner, or at night. But - drinking 6-7-8 - 16 ounce beers (not just the regular size) is too many. He agreed.

He's not held up his promise. He drinks just as many, and lacks what I'm looking for anymore. He isn't empathetic at all, he doesn't like to show affection like he used to, he never wants to go out (and that is b/c he knows he's drunk and shouldn't be in a car), he blames me - sometimes it might be OK, but most times not. Our sex life has become non-existent b/c he's usually too drunk to make things work. And, he's becoming more argumentative.

The problem is, I fell in love with him. He's a good person outside of that - he treated me so good, and still does when he is sober. He's been awesome to my son (b/c I don't allow drinking around him, so he's sober). He does so much for me, us and everyone around him. I mean, he is truly a good person - he has it in him. My family and friends love him, they don't know this side - I've not told them, I've told no one. Because, I know what that will be like.

I just don't know what more to do. He won't go get help, I know that - be/c he's in denial. He thinks its normal. He tells me that. Sometimes he'll admit to having too many sometimes - but, for the most part - it's all normal.

What do I do? I don't want to give up on him, but at the same time I'm afraid he will let the guard down again, and start drinking heavily around my son - and I don't want that. I find it sad, he does it around his son, but I can't control that... I can control what MY son see's though. Thankfully he hasn't seen anything, he's seen a beer or two - that's it.

Yes, from everything you have written he is a high functioning alcoholic. You need to protect yourself. I would suggest you run for the hills because the chances of him changing are slim. He will not change till he recognises the problem himself and gets help. Alcoholism worsens and does not get better without intervention.

You need to protect yourself by setting boundaries and even going to Al-Anon. Your life will be a rollercoaster with this man, if you choose to stay (I hope for your sake and the sake of your kid, you do not).

This is from the internet (I had it pinned above my computer during the worst days of H's drinking)

I am sure you will recognise him in here

"You cannot nor will not change his behavior. You cannot make him treat you better, let alone with any respect. All he cares about, all he thinks about, is his needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to him, something to use. When he says "I love you" he is lying through his teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. He wouldn't be using if he loved himself, and since he don't, he cannot love you.

His feelings are so pushed down and numbed by his drinking that he could be considered sociopathic. He has no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze him that he hurts you, leave you hungry, lies to you, cheats on you and steals from you.

His behavior cannot and will not change until he makes a decision to stop drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until he makes that decision, he will hurt you again and again and again

Stop being surprised.

He is an alcoholic. And that's what alcoholics do"

He will promises and break them. You will think, well if he loved me or cared for me, he wouldn't do this. But alcoholic is the first love, you either live with it or kick him to the kerb. Some will get help but only when they lose everything first.

Sorry you are in this place.
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post #14 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-14-2015, 09:14 PM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

I drank a lot in my early life; I had issues and came from a family with a lot of additive habits; I saw nothing wrong with this. While dating my 1st wife (widowed not divorced) she turned to me and said “I don’t like you when you drink”; it was like a splash of cold water. I slowed way down & fixed the issues I was fighting with.

Oh I still have a few drinks now and then but I control it now not the booze controlling me.

Tell him outright this is a deal breaker; fix it or I walk.
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post #15 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-15-2015, 03:45 AM
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Re: Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?

I dated a man for 8 months and he'd only drink at night but it was a LOT! High functioning, too. I started correlating his drunkenness with wanting sex. Like, he had to be drunk to want sex with me. Never initiated sober.

I put my foot down 2 times, but as you said OP, it's who he is. 3rd time I dumped him. He was great in other ways, but it was my boundary and I was realizing that I was compromising it by staying with him and I was REALLY not OK with that.

You're going to have to find some strength and let him go.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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