I could use some advice. I'm editing this to keep it shorter, I'm trying to get out the full picture here for best help.
I've known this guy now for almost 7 months now. He started out, being this wonderful guy... who, was almost everything I imagined it would be like, plus more. However... I've been thinking recently he might have a drinking problem (it's not changed, but I overlooked it early on). He says he doesn't, but... There comes a point, when you kind of know. But - I don't know what makes one an alcoholic. I don't have experience. I've researched it, but depending on the site you look at ... He is, or he "almost" is, or he isn't yet type of thing. He is definitely a high functioning - if he is. He has a good job, and works extremely hard in and out of his home. He has custody of his son, and is a very good Father. He does so much for me, and has helped around my farm an immense amount - I think he's done more for my place, these past 7 months, than my ex ever did - in 14 years. He never stops, he is constantly doing something - staying busy - can't sit still type. But he always has a Beer in hand, never without.
He states, this has happened since his divorce, before that - he wasn't - only drank socially. He's been divorced 2.5 years now. He also is the victim of an affair (like me), but he was cheated on multiple times, she had many partners in her secret life. He gave her chance after chance, and then she finally turned around and divorced him - when she found the one she eventually married, 2 months later. Not only did she skip out on him, she skipped out on her 6 year old son - leaving him with his Dad - and making no effort to see him for almost 2 years (Now, she is), she took everything from him - the house, his business - everything. Said she wanted the Boy for visitation, but never would come get him. He clearly went into depression, and started drinking.
So, I've had hope for him. I had hope, he would stop. I too went into depression, and dealt with things my way - he dealt with things his. I was sure, that once he found someone he loved (which he claims he does love me) - that, he would back off having so many. I've asked him - many times. He tells me he will, and sometimes he does - slow down. If my son is here, he won't drink much at all... I won't allow it, and he knows this, he will have a few - which is fine, my son is used to that - everyone in my family drinks, almost every day - but 1 or max 2 only, except me - I never got into the habit. So, considering he can somewhat control the consumption - gives me hope.
The problem is, when son isn't here... He's usually drunk by the time it gets dark out - and, it's just not fun. It's like you're talking, but nobody is home. In the beginning, he obviously controlled himself... I knew he drank, but... his moods are starting to change. He's not mean, but he's impossible - if that makes any sense. Everything is your fault, never his. He will say something off the wall, you comment on it - and he gets mad about it, and then denies ever saying it - when he said it literally seconds ago. He gets upset easily, but doesn't really cause any problems or anything - just, gets upset. But, I will say - just as quickly as he gets upset, he quickly lets it go too. Until recently, now that's changing more to a he won't let things go... Even if I ask him, let's drop it. He won't. He wants to go on, and on about it.
I reached my breaking point a month or so ago, and told him I wasn't happy. I'm not okay with drinking to this level - Sure, I like to let loose from time to time, or at a party - But, this is insanity. I told him, you aren't who you were when we first met - you either hid it well, or you've let your guard down. You blame me for everything (and I still accept blame, like I did with ex - I have issues with that obviously) - and I'm tired of taking the blame for everything. He promised he would change, and he promised he would slow down - but he would never stop. It's who he is, and he likes to have Beer. I told him, within reason is fine. I know a lot of people who have A beer with dinner, or at night. But - drinking 6-7-8 - 16 ounce beers (not just the regular size) is too many. He agreed.
He's not held up his promise. He drinks just as many, and lacks what I'm looking for anymore. He isn't empathetic at all, he doesn't like to show affection like he used to, he never wants to go out (and that is b/c he knows he's drunk and shouldn't be in a car), he blames me - sometimes it might be OK, but most times not. Our sex life has become non-existent b/c he's usually too drunk to make things work. And, he's becoming more argumentative.
The problem is, I fell in love with him. He's a good person outside of that - he treated me so good, and still does when he is sober. He's been awesome to my son (b/c I don't allow drinking around him, so he's sober). He does so much for me, us and everyone around him. I mean, he is truly a good person - he has it in him. My family and friends love him, they don't know this side - I've not told them, I've told no one. Because, I know what that will be like.
I just don't know what more to do. He won't go get help, I know that - be/c he's in denial. He thinks its normal. He tells me that. Sometimes he'll admit to having too many sometimes - but, for the most part - it's all normal.
What do I do? I don't want to give up on him, but at the same time I'm afraid he will let the guard down again, and start drinking heavily around my son - and I don't want that. I find it sad, he does it around his son, but I can't control that... I can control what MY son see's though. Thankfully he hasn't seen anything, he's seen a beer or two - that's it.
Yes, from everything you have written he is a high functioning alcoholic. You need to protect yourself. I would suggest you run for the hills because the chances of him changing are slim. He will not change till he recognises the problem himself and gets help. Alcoholism worsens and does not get better without intervention.
You need to protect yourself by setting boundaries and even going to Al-Anon. Your life will be a rollercoaster with this man, if you choose to stay (I hope for your sake and the sake of your kid, you do not).
This is from the internet (I had it pinned above my computer during the worst days of H's drinking)
I am sure you will recognise him in here
"You cannot nor will not change his behavior. You cannot make him treat you better, let alone with any respect. All he cares about, all he thinks about, is his needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to him, something to use. When he says "I love you" he is lying through his teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. He wouldn't be using if he loved himself, and since he don't, he cannot love you.
His feelings are so pushed down and numbed by his drinking that he could be considered sociopathic. He has no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze him that he hurts you, leave you hungry, lies to you, cheats on you and steals from you.
His behavior cannot and will not change until he makes a decision to stop drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until he makes that decision, he will hurt you again and again and again
Stop being surprised.
He is an alcoholic. And that's what alcoholics do"
He will promises and break them. You will think, well if he loved me or cared for me, he wouldn't do this. But alcoholic is the first love, you either live with it or kick him to the kerb. Some will get help but only when they lose everything first.
Sorry you are in this place.