I hid my opiate addiction from her - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-20-2015, 03:35 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy I hid my opiate addiction from her

I hid my opiate addiction for a very long time from the most important, most loving person in my life. I told her once that i slipped up, however every other time she asked I just lied about my use, in a weird way to protect her and to just deal with it on my own. I told her without being pressed that i relapsed ( i am in recovery and had a very serious opiate problem). a few weeks ago i checked into detox and then into treatment and had no contact with her at all. She is extremely worried about me, beyond angry, hurt, betrayed, she feels like everything i have ever told her has been a lie. She seems to be 100% done, which i deserve, but I love her like i never have loved before, i love her on every level, she is equally as beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside. She is barely talking to me, emotionally shut down, saying she is devastated and needs to talk to a professional about this. She doesn't have any experience, or know much at all about addiction and has lived a very sheltered life. She has pulled away emotionally in the past for a day or two when she is hurt or angry but this feels like the last straw. She says she doesn't love me anymore because I was hiding this shameful addiction from her.

I am experiencing pain like i have never felt in my life, I am clean now, sober for over a month and trying to live day by day. I am using all the tools i learned in detox, and in treatment and going to meetings. I will be getting a sponsor and doing step work with him. I am so lost right now and so afraid that i have lost her for good. I cannot seem to win with her, i give her attention and we talk and she tells me how much i have hurt her, i back off and give her space and she is angry because according to her when i vanish i must be off using drugs or sleeping with another woman ( no i have never once ever looked at another woman). I don't really have a question I guess, just wondering if anyone else has ever been in this position, has anyone ever been called a liar nonstop, every word questioned, has anyone else ever lost trust and in time gained it back ?

For anyone else either dealing with their own addiction or someone else's , please know that being addicted is so much about pain. shame and guilt , please don't take it personally if your loved one was afraid to tell you about it, whether its drugs, or sex or porn. Any addiction is so wrapped up together with the persons self worth/ esteem , and it causes so much self hatred, its like a horrible, violent and vicious circle which never seems to end. I feel so afraid right now, i truly feel lost without her, she is everything to me, loving her, feeling her love makes me feel warm inside, kissing her makes me feel 1000000000000 billion times better than any drug i have ever ingested. This is so difficult , she is still communicating with me, but she is so shut down, cut off, she wont let me in close to her where i belong.
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-20-2015, 03:48 PM
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

She needs time to process her pain and your betrayal. Also, she has to figure out if she can trust you to be better this time around. What if you relapse or start hiding things again? She is just trying to figure things out. Give her the time and space that she needs.

Now you have to keep working on you. Are you going to be doing IC, while still having a sponsor? Are you going to go to meetings? What are you going to do to ensure you don't have a relapse in the future?

You need to have a solid plan of action, so when she ask, "how are things going to be different this time?". You will have some answers to give support to your case.

In the meantime, continue to take care of you. Your sobriety must be your first priority at this time. You are still fragile after getting out of rehab. Take this time to reinforce your support system around you.

Good luck.
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-20-2015, 05:00 PM
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

I'm an alcoholic/addict almost three years in recovery. The best way to earn trust with a loved one is by being an open book and demonstrating continuous action over a long period of time. Our words are meaningless early in recovery and that's a consequence of our behavior. We can't be offended when we are questioned. The best thing to do is to let them see you working on your recovery. It gets better. I promise. Just keep following the suggestions of the program.
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-20-2015, 06:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

thanks for the replies, I know they say " meeting makers make it", i have struggled finding a comfortable home group , NA groups seem to change up people very often and AA groups all seem to be 60 year old guys who have 30 years clean and most have been attending the same meeting for years and years, all the meetings i have attended don't feel very welcoming to me anyways, i was going to an NA group which met weekly last year and 90% of the people went every single week and i loved that and felt very much at home, anyways, i know i need to live with honesty and integrity each day, and i know my words mean nothing right now, its time for action.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-21-2015, 04:36 PM
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

I have noticed the same thing about NA versus AA. That makes me really sad and a little mad that no one made you feel welcome. That was what made me choose my home group. Everyone was really nice and approachable. Lots of different women gave me their phone numbers and told me to call anytime. I also liked that everyone was laughing and having a good time. If I had to choose, I'd choose the AA group with lots of sober time. I've seen meetings get very sick when no one has any clean time. It becomes the piZZ and moan sessions like you see on TV. I'm also a big fan of the single sex meetings. I felt really comfortable in early sobriety in women only meetings. It definitely was less intimidating.

Have you found a sponsor yet? I don't think you have to pick the person with the longest clean time to sponsor you. I would look for someone with at least a year or two, who has worked all the steps. Some people want someone who is going to call them on their crap and be tough with them, and I guess that works for them. I like the people that have a certain aura of peace about them. The people that seem to have worked on their emotional as well as their physical sobriety. Just remember, it's not a marriage. If it doesn't work out, you can pick someone else.
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-21-2015, 05:20 PM
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

OP,
You must understand that being sober and clean is doubly hard now. The drugs were your support, your crutch, your way to deal with life. Now they are gone and your life is more tumultuous than ever. The very "friend" you relied on for strength is the very foe that has turned your life upside down. The people you should have been relying on, your wife and your family are now hurt and angered by your "habit" and the "friend" you relied on is gone. This will be the toughest time for you so I advise that you find and commit to a group. Also be open and honest with any who support you and always remember that in order to have a new life you have to let go of the old, completely.

I cannot say where your wife is emotionally but you must continue to be strong and show, with your actions, that you want your support to come from your loved ones and not some drug. As they/she begin to see and realize that you are sincere the trust may return, slowly and gradually, as you remain clean. It may not but either way you must remain clean to even have a chance of getting her back. As she sees your determination she may actually begin to support and encourage you but you must let her come to that place on her own, you cannot force her to be there for you. If it is in your heart, you will get there, if it is in her heart, so will she. Take each day as it comes, one at a time and focus on establishing the new you. I wish you strength and good fortune.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-22-2015, 07:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

its 100% over , she doesnt love me any longer ( or perhaps just afraid or has too much pride to say it) she is being so cold, so hurtful, any time i make the mistake of calling her sweetheart or if i refer to her as my love , she makes sure to tell me to stop, she says i am not those things anymore. sorry i know the focus should be on my sobriety and i really and truly do appreciate all the kind words and support, but i am just so overwhelmed with pain, shame and regret when it comes to this woman. She truly is my best friend , i have lived every day in awe of her, i have learned so much from her, all i want is to see one glimmer of hope, that one day she will be able to truly forgive me, all i want is one little teeny tiney glimmer of hope that she may still love me ( i think she still does , you cant just stop loving someone like turning off a light switch ) I think that my actions, my lying , my deceptive behavior has made her so hurt, so angry so much in pain that she wont allow herself to show any emotion to me right now, the only thing she can do is take every chance to be mean, cold, and take her anger out on me. a prime example is this, i told her that i felt like she did still love me, more than ever before and she actually laughed at that, and then called me stupid ( regarding some choices i made while shooting heroin). ugh i just want to get through this. I am sure i can just say F it and begin to move on, but for some reason I am waiting this one out because she is the most beautiful person i have ever met, easily , inside and outside all she does is light up every room she walks into, she has the most peaceful, the most calming energy in her. Sigh, my goodness i am so deeply in love with her, i keep falling deeper every day. anyways have a nice day everyone, yes i will get to a meeting today, yes i will remain sober, today. thanks guys you are all very kind
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-22-2015, 10:02 AM
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

Getting off a medical opiate addition addiction is as tough as getting off heroin.

Fortunately my wife is a qualified counsellor and a nurse and helped me get through it. She was expecting relapses so got me through them.

It's tough. But worthwhile.

And I know where you are coming from.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-22-2015, 04:07 PM
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

OP are you religious? I know people who hold on to their religion during this time, it provides comfort and strength. If you are a praying kind of fellow, this might be the time to ask for a higher help.

Your girl, needs to deal with this on her own. Maybe, she can get some IC to help her understand your addiction and her angry and pain.

At this time, know you can only influence you. Stay strong.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-02-2015, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

everything slowly went back to normal, she was allowing me back in close, it felt closer than ever before, i felt her love , i felt like i had her heart again and she had mine , and wanted it , then last night i went out for a little while and she got so afraid , she thought i used again and she was triggered and she pulled way back, she got so distant and cold and said she was still very hurt , still cant trust me, its not possible for someone to just turn their feelings on and off like a light switch , i know her feelings are very sincere, i know she is genuine, she is just shutting down again, so afraid, and i don't know what to do. i love her, i need her, i need her love, i hope she can understand that i was not hiding things from her to be malicious , i wasn't trying to hurt her, i was trying to protect her, they were/ are my demons to conquer and I wish she could see that and not view this the same way a person might view lying about how someone feels , or lying about having feelings for someone else or lying about sleeping with someone else. I am so lost right now
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-02-2015, 10:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

No I am not religious , what sent me down the road of self medicating was sexual abuse by clergy ( a priest) so i lost my faith years ago
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-03-2015, 12:46 PM
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

Have you found a sponsor yet? These things take time. In my early days, I would text my husband ahead of time where I was going. Try to head things off at the pass. Kwim?
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-09-2015, 04:17 AM
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

Keep your focus on you. She, for the time being, needs to be secondary.

Her pain is legit. She might not come back. You need to know and live the idea that you WILL SURVIVE without her if need be.

I don't want to be the bearer of painful news, but I'm not going to sugarcoat it; people, whether they know it or not, attract the people in their lives for a reason. She most definitely has a history somehow of involving someone who was distant or addicted, and this is how you came to be a couple.

Someone once told me that healthy people attract other healthy people, and broken people attract other broken people. Even subconsciously.

When you get well, she may need to leave to find that role to be replayed in another. UNLESS SHE IS WILLING TO GROW AND EVOLVE ALONGSIDE OF YOU.

I'm so sorry because I know this information is hurtful, but you need to put yourself and your recovery first and foremost above EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE NO EXCEPTIONS.

I know from personal experience that relationships of this co-dependent nature do not last unless BOTH parties are involved in recovery for themselves and no one else.

You will be ok. You will survive. You WILL BE BETTER FOR THIS EXPERIENCE. But it's going to suck right now... Be strong and put your faith into the Universe. I send you healing vibes and soothing energy for the road ahead... Stay true to your own empowerment and recovery.
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-09-2015, 05:34 AM
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

At this stage you are going to have to prove your trustworthiness to her. The pain of betrayal is still there, so every time you are away from her, she will be wondering. This will take a long time to get over. If you want to be with her you are going to need to provide a clean detailed description of your whereabouts. Also, this is quite a normal response.

Things will take a long time to get back to some normal. But if you think what was normal? Because you lied to her during those times. Normal was when you hide and lied.

So with time and honesty, things will get better.

Now you have to, have to take care of you. Find a sponsor, start exercising, eat heathy and attend meetings. Meet with your therapist. Take control, of what you can control, you.

Keep posting, it might not be what you what to hear. But we will honest in our replies. Take care.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-14-2015, 09:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I hid my opiate addiction from her

Its very scary to be in this position, and i know I need to just purely focus on myself, my one day at a time, getting a sponsor, getting to meetings ( I truly am not a meeting guy, i go and see the same people each night and hear the same exact stories again and again) I tend to lose interest and get bored very easily, it takes a whole lot to grab and hold my attention, the last time i recall being very much interested was at a speaker meeting, this guy talked about him and his brothers selling and using and it turned into a huge mess with the FEDs and such, anyways. This lovely lady seems to be back for the moment, and i am staying clean day by day.
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