I hid my opiate addiction for a very long time from the most important, most loving person in my life. I told her once that i slipped up, however every other time she asked I just lied about my use, in a weird way to protect her and to just deal with it on my own. I told her without being pressed that i relapsed ( i am in recovery and had a very serious opiate problem). a few weeks ago i checked into detox and then into treatment and had no contact with her at all. She is extremely worried about me, beyond angry, hurt, betrayed, she feels like everything i have ever told her has been a lie. She seems to be 100% done, which i deserve, but I love her like i never have loved before, i love her on every level, she is equally as beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside. She is barely talking to me, emotionally shut down, saying she is devastated and needs to talk to a professional about this. She doesn't have any experience, or know much at all about addiction and has lived a very sheltered life. She has pulled away emotionally in the past for a day or two when she is hurt or angry but this feels like the last straw. She says she doesn't love me anymore because I was hiding this shameful addiction from her.
I am experiencing pain like i have never felt in my life, I am clean now, sober for over a month and trying to live day by day. I am using all the tools i learned in detox, and in treatment and going to meetings. I will be getting a sponsor and doing step work with him. I am so lost right now and so afraid that i have lost her for good. I cannot seem to win with her, i give her attention and we talk and she tells me how much i have hurt her, i back off and give her space and she is angry because according to her when i vanish i must be off using drugs or sleeping with another woman ( no i have never once ever looked at another woman). I don't really have a question I guess, just wondering if anyone else has ever been in this position, has anyone ever been called a liar nonstop, every word questioned, has anyone else ever lost trust and in time gained it back ?
For anyone else either dealing with their own addiction or someone else's , please know that being addicted is so much about pain. shame and guilt , please don't take it personally if your loved one was afraid to tell you about it, whether its drugs, or sex or porn. Any addiction is so wrapped up together with the persons self worth/ esteem , and it causes so much self hatred, its like a horrible, violent and vicious circle which never seems to end. I feel so afraid right now, i truly feel lost without her, she is everything to me, loving her, feeling her love makes me feel warm inside, kissing her makes me feel 1000000000000 billion times better than any drug i have ever ingested. This is so difficult , she is still communicating with me, but she is so shut down, cut off, she wont let me in close to her where i belong.