Im feeling Hopeless... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-11-2011, 08:32 AM Thread Starter
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Post Im feeling Hopeless...

Im not sure this is the right spot to post this and Im sorry its so lengthy but I have no one to talk to and need advice.

Im 23, Ive been married for 5 years and with my husband for 8. We currently have one child together and another due in less than 5 weeks. Hes the only man I've ever loved and up until now I didn't think anything in the world could change that. We have been through 3 deployments together and I've been the most supportive wife I know how to be and have stayed faithful through all these years.
The night before last I found out that my husband had become "curious" during his last deployment and brought his curiosities home.. its been almost a year that hes been keeping his secret of pursuing other local men via the internet. He says hes been too scared to follow through and its just been the exchange of messages and pictures and hes never actually met anyone however the ideas alone are enough to tear me apart. At 25 years old you don't just wake up one morning and say hmm I wonder what its like to be with a man. This situation makes me sick to know I've been living with a stranger.
We have been in marriage counseling since Feb and little did I know - inside out socks, lack of sex, little white lies and unfinished household projects should have been the least of my worries.
After multiple loses I'm weeks from delivering the baby girl we've been trying to conceive for years and this should be one of the happiest time of our lives.. instead I'm lost and confused. I've been unhappy in my marriage for a while now and this is just the icing on the cake. I have lost all trust in my husband and I'm not sure I can forgive him.. I still love him - I mean after all these years and two children I will always love him. I'm just not sure how to get past this. I don't know how to stay by his side and at the same time I don't know how to walk away.. Im a stay at home mom, no job, no where to go... how do I walk with two children.
Like I said.. I have no one to talk to.. I mean I could but this is far too embarrassing to get advice from a friend (my husband and I have always shared all our friends so any one would be his friend as well) and I know my mom and mother in law would be devastated and both tell me to walk. I'm on the waiting list for an emergency counseling session but have no clue when Ill be able to get in... I need any unbiased advice.
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-14-2011, 01:38 AM
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Re: Im feeling Hopeless...

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this...especially while pregnant. The first thing you need to do is to try to keep yourself calm. I know that's a lot easier said than done. Chronic, high stress levels can have adverse efffects on a pregnancy (early labor, etc.) Not saying that if you worry, you are going to have early labor...just try to focus on keeping your anxiety level down. Just remember that your baby's health is first and foremost. If you seem overly anxious, just try to concentrate on the baby (baby's room, baby clothes...whatever you can think of that might bring some joy into your thought processes.) I've had a similar situation in the past and I truly understand what you must be feeling right now. It doesn't make sense and surely doesn't feel fair. It probably makes you feel betrayed. Even if he hasn't acted on his still probably feel betrayed, just for the simple thoughts themselves. The bottom line is you have to talk to him, when the time is right. This is something that is going to have to be resolved or it will eat you up inside. After you have the baby, I would definitely follow up with some counseling. At least, if anything, it will allow you to get those feelings out and not keep them bottled up inside. I pray your situation gets better. Stay strong and keep your head up. And congratulations on your new baby coming soon!! Feel free to holler back at me. :-)
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-23-2011, 03:36 PM
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Re: Im feeling Hopeless...

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You must feel crushed and devastated. I'm going through a similar (but not the same) kind of situation myself and I just wanted to tell you a few things:

1) This is not your fault and there is nothing deficient about you to make this happen.
2) Some people bury their secrets so deep within that they don't even admit them to themselves; even though the deception hurts, it's probably not done with malice but out of shame or selfishness on his part.
3) If you are still intimate with him, please use condoms. If he's looking at others and sharing pictures, he has most likely actually followed through, even though he isn't admitting it to you. And get yourself and him tested as well.
4) Breathe. You found a forum instead of telling a family member and that is a good choice. I made the mistake of expressing things about my situation to my family and now everything is a huge huge huge disaster. Try to meet people you can talk to and connect with here (or in a local support group) so you don't feel so alone.
5) You will get through this. Even though every day hurts like hell, it will get easier to bear. It helps to stay busy and to keep your mind occupied with other things when the desire to fall apart grips you. But, it's okay to cry about it -- as long as you don't remain in the sadness without trying to take care of yourself. You have your kids to care for, too, and maybe that will help keep you occupied and give you some joy.
6) If you can, try a separation for a while so that you can both have some time to figure out what you want for yourselves. Good for you that you decided to get some counseling.

Hang in there, because you're not alone in feeling betrayed by a husband who is living a secret life. You deserve better treatment, either from him or from someone who can respect you.
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