Re: I don't know how much of a problem his drinking is..
Thanks Ann, that is very helpful to understand about how the drinking affects the mood. And no, I'm not okay with living with it anymore. I wasn't really ever okay with it, but he blamed me for his misery, and I accepted the blame. I thought if I tried harder, he would be happy like he said he would be if only I could meet his needs. I know that sounds idiotic, but it's complicated. Sometimes he is the nicest guy to be around, and the miserable bits fade away. Then the nice guy came back less and less. I thought maybe it was a midlife crisis. It's only when it was affecting the kids that I was able to see a bit more clearly that it was such unacceptable behaviour. It's like it crept up on me - we were once normal and happy. Then after a while, there were things I was completely ashamed for my friends and family to see about our struggles. Especially the sex bits. Once I finally opened up to a couple of friends, they were shocked. Turns out my normal was very abnormal.
Torn, I guess he is a mess. He is working on it. Going to counselling to deal with the porn issues, and cutting back on the pot and beer he says. I don't know at what point to believe he's conquered it, but hopefully the counsellor we're seeing will help with that part. He hopes to be home by Christmas - I think that's pretty premature. I need to see him be stable and well for a while and I have some healing to do, and need time to get all this in perspective. Honestly, I feel no affection for him at the moment, and once he fixes these issues about himself, then I will need to fall in love with him again because right now, there's just nothing there. He seems to be just dying from lack of affection/sex but after so many years of feeling constantly pushed to be all that for him, I can't give it. But I do feel very sorry for him.
As to why I want him back, there's a lot of reasons. For one, and I hope this doesn't sound cold, I've always stayed home with the kids, and have been out of the workforce until this year, and then I had to quit work when he left to take care of our kids, as one has special needs. I can make it without him - there's child support and spousal support - but it will be tight. However, I'm a resourceful gal and work that out. I won't go back to living in that hell for all the financial security he can offer. But beyond that, I take my marriage vow seriously. If he will change, I want to support him in that. My kids are young, and if they can have a healthy father, I want them to have that. I will not stay if he doesn't get better, but unfortunately after such a long time of things being so screwed up, I don't really feel like I have an idea of what healthy looks like. Especially not sexually. That's really going to take some time.