Confused, Feeling Hopeless
I am new here. Thanks for letting me join and post.
I hope I can figure out my marriage.
I have been married, happily, for 20 years.
Husband recently laid off work; I am disabled and receive SSI.
We moved to a new city in search of better job opportunities but so far nothing has panned out. Husband's pension is down to the end so he needs a job quick. I know this is stressing him a great deal. We have talked about it.
Also, husband recently quit smoking marijuana after smoking it for the last 17 years. He is also trying to quit a porn addiction- is on his second week of not viewing any. I know both of these things are difficult to battle but I support him in both.
Okay, with all of that being said, I believed over our 20 year marriage that my husband and I were both very happy with each other and very much in love. It seemed like we had the "perfect marriage" and all of our friends constantly say how they look at us as an example of how to be. Now, a month ago, my husband had a melt-down- crying for hours. I finally got him to tell me what was bothering him. After he told me he was sorry about 10 times, he told me "I don't think I love you and I don't think I ever loved you. I don't think we ever had passion in our marriage either." So, I ask him why he thinks this and he doesn't have any real explanation except he is having doubts. So, we talk and smooth things over for the time being. We carry on- as if we are still in love, kissing, regular good sex, having fun- going out to restaurants/ shopping....but then one day last week I see him doing something on his phone but sort of covering it so I ask him what he is doing and he tells me "nothing." I ask him to see his phone and he adamantly refuses and goes to the bathroom- probably to delete whatever it was and comes out like nothing ever happened. I asked him what was so bad that he needed to hide it from me and he said it was something embarrassing. This really frustrates me because he and I have talked about our lives/bodies/marriage in great detail before and I feel we have told each other some embarrassing things about ourselves so I can't figure out what he would be referring to. Anyone have any idea??? Then today, he started acting emotional again, I asked him what's going on and he told me he needed 15 minutes alone so he could do something. I asked him what he needed to do and he wouldn't tell me. He took his phone and laptop and went to the restroom. Now he is out and again acting like nothing happened.
I am completely confused. I feel weird about all of this. My stomach is in knots, my sleep is abnormal and I don't know what to do. Can anyone give me any advice or offer your opinions as to what is going on? Thank you in advance. I truly appreciate it. I love my husband and believe he loves me. I want this to work. Thank you for reading...