Marijuana use after Marriage
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Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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Old 08-25-2011, 01:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Marijuana use after Marriage

Disclaimer: I am looking for UNBIASED advice here. Just because someone will feel strongly for or against marijuana is not going to help me. I am looking for solid marriage advice after all. I also have the right to have my opinions and beliefs and I should not be forced to believe in something that I do not!!!

Hi, I have an issue that may be tearing my marriage apart. Before we got married, both my husband and I do not smoke. He actually was supposedly against it while we were dating. After we got married, he started to casually and got defensive when Iíve said something. Weíve agreed that it would be every now and then but now it is way more often than ďevery now and then.Ē I wasnít even comfortable with that, but I was hoping that it was just a phase. (It possibly could be still, but who knows if it will ever stop)? It has gotten to the point that he would be smoking whenever he sees his friends. I am not comfortable about him smoking around me but he seems to not care, because he likes it. He should at least respect me enough to try to not smoke around me as often, even if it means if he doesnít one night while hanging out with friends. It is disrespectful and there needs to be some give and take. He loves me, but this is something that we strongly disagree on. When he is smoking, he is flaky and he acts different. It is not attractive and it discusses me. However the issue is that most of his friends smoke. Now that weíve bought a house, Iíve told him that I do not want it in my house or in my back yard at all, especially since I am concerned that the neighbors are nosey. This is something I especially do not want around our kids when we start having them, so I want this rule to apply now. Plus my home is a place where I should be comfortable in. I donít feel comfortable about being around others including my husband smoking. The issue with this is I notice that he doesnít want to tell his friends this rule and it makes me stress out. Then he tells me to chill, but how can I chill if he is going against me and I canít say anything since it may create a scene and embarrass him? He is like this also when we go out. He would smoke around me and I donít like it. Weíve made an agreement that he wouldnít do it, but he still does and then gets upset with me about ďnot relaxingĒ about the situation. It has gotten to the point that he can tell that I am getting very angry inside and he says that it is scary, he doesnít like it, and it makes him angry. I am also worried about his job. It is a very good job and if they randomly test him, Iím not sure how we will do since it is a really good job. His solution is to go overseas and serve his country to quit. But why can he not smoke when he is not doing that? He says and believes that he does not have a problem, but his increase in frequency worries me otherwise. He says that he never buys it and just likes smoking it with his friends, which is usually on the weekend, but it can also include a few days of the week. He still has goals and is working hard for our family. The BIG issue with this is a clash in values and my husband changed his after marriage or just did not wish to share them with me and expected me to accept them without talking about it. I did NOT sign up to this and I donít like the pot smoking lifestyle, which I have a choice to not be around it. It is frustrating that his attitudes about smoking changed after marriage and it is now a strain on our marriage. Iíve tried to not let it bother me for a year, but now it has gotten to the point that I cannot stand it. I also do not want to bear children with any drugs in his sperm. I just donít want to take any chances on affecting their development. I am afraid of the stability of our marriage, since the biggest possibility is that if anyone of us compromises on our beliefs, we may become bitter and get divorced later on. However, I am one of those people who do not believe in divorce, but I also do not want to destroy both of our lives and our possible childrenís lives as well. So I am lost. How can I handle this since I am lost, I am afraid of leaving him, and I really do love him? Also is it too much to not want it in my house at least? What is the best approach so we are both happy? (NOTE: I do not nag him or try not to make a fuss around his friends. I just need some advice in this situation that will help out the both of us).
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Old 08-25-2011, 02:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marijuana use after Marriage

Wow, that was quite a read (you should include some paragraph breaks, makes it easier to follow).

I don't think casual MJ use is a big deal but I'll try and be unbiased.

This is obviously a HUGE issue for you as you mention his job, your future children, your neighbours, divorce, etc.

Smoking pot is not addictive, but the "letting go" and laziness is

I suspect that he has a bigger issue with how serious you are about life/marriage/other's perception of your marriage and it's surfacing in his smoking habit.

Not saying he's right but somethings bugging him about settling down, a lot of young husbands panic. Good luck, maybe some marriage counselling will help you guys get to the root of the problem.
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Old 08-25-2011, 06:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marijuana use after Marriage

ok. I'm going to try my hardest to be unbiased. But at the very least, I relate a lot to this scenario..so keep that in mind.

I think that your husband owes it to you to respect your boundaries. There is nothing unreasonable about not wanting it in your home or directly around you. Smoking weed however, is not going to affect his sperm and directly do anything to the development of potential children.

I do think, that while it's not "technically" addictive, and is physically healthier I suppose than other "drugs" There is a certain level of addiction that comes with constant pot smoking and quitting involves dealing with cranky moody "I just want to get high" fits being thrown.

I hate pot smoking. And I am not claiming to have never touched it, I have my fair share of times or more. If it's chronic use, its generally a coping mechanism of sorts. Most of the stoners I know hate their life, hate that life requires work, and smoke as an escape of what they otherwise could solve by putting forth some real effort.

If your husband is saying he wants to join the military and go overseas to quit smoking pot, as judgemental as it sounds, he needs some counseling. It really sounds like something is eating at him and he's using it as an escape. Now is the time to do something.

Don't give in on your boundaries, Don't give into the "I don't want to make a scene" feeling, and stick to it. The disregard for others, the joke non-smokers are seen as, and the lack of respect for other people and their things are all fairly common.

If you continue to bend on the issue, he's going to continue to walk all over you on it. Get to the source of why he's smoking, get into counseling(him and you), and go from there.
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Old 08-25-2011, 09:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marijuana use after Marriage

I smoked for years (daily) and quit cold turkey when I graduated college. I can't quit smoking nicotine for the life of me.

As far as your husband goes...I would just really enforce the "not at home" rule. At least that's what I do here. My husband sometimes smokes-- not often...maybe more now, but who cares. I just told him i don't want it at home.

1. It's illegal and we have too much to lose.
2. If the kids ever found it, I would cut his nads off.

My dad smoked until he died. Daily. He had a box on the mantle with papers and bud. lol. "Coffee, tea, weed?" was a favorite line of his.

If it truly bothers you, voice your opinion. IMO, it's just weed. I don't really care. However, if it messes with your livelihood then it's a bad idea.

Time for him to grow up. Pot is illegal, therefore, you shouldn't do it when there are drug tests at work.
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Old 08-25-2011, 09:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marijuana use after Marriage

Quote:
Most of the stoners I know hate their life, hate that life requires work, and smoke as an escape of what they otherwise could solve by putting forth some real effort.
Yes. That's how my friends were. I was the only one in college. hahaha...and I had a 3.8 I worked 20 hours a week and took 15-21 credits a semester. But I was a dirty stoner. Omg...breakfast, lunch and dinner.

However, after my graduation party, never touched it again. Time to grow up
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Old 08-26-2011, 12:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marijuana use after Marriage

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Originally Posted by that_girl View Post
Yes. That's how my friends were. I was the only one in college. hahaha...and I had a 3.8 I worked 20 hours a week and took 15-21 credits a semester. But I was a dirty stoner. Omg...breakfast, lunch and dinner.

However, after my graduation party, never touched it again. Time to grow up
this was me and stbx Kind of anyways.. I worked through going to school maintained the house managed bills etc

He got fired from a job, went on unemployment, enrolled in school, couldn't be bothered to get up for school, got stoned in the parkinglot, and then spent all his spare time playing video games and refusing to do anything else. Except stop going to school all together and just not say anything to me and run my credit card up pretending to leave for school.

I know a few productive pot heads..very few. Even less that just decide to grow up and drop it
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Old 08-26-2011, 10:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marijuana use after Marriage

My husband is a pot smoker, it's his way of coping with his ADHD, his tempers, his constant need to find entertainment above and beyond, and the list goes on. It seriously calms my H down and he does not do it for entertainment.

With all that said, I was like you, I did not want it in my home, my backyard, around my kids, etc., etc., etc... It is illegal, we have nosy neighbors, much like you. My husband would pick fights so he could leave and go smoke it, he would sneak money (10 here, 20 there), he would lie about smoking or being high... His brother at the time lived with us and they fed off one another. I even threatened to call the cops on my H if I knew he had it in his possession.

Fast forward several months, I calmed down, I began to open my eyes, read a lot about the medicinal benefits, etc. I began to appreciate the effects pot has on my H actually. We have a different set of ground rules now... And as unfortunate as it may sound, I now prefer my H smoke. We use to fight everyday, even when we were in counseling, but since this revelation and my understanding that perhaps my H needs it to function, our house is calm.

I don't know if any of this helps, but this is just what happened in our house and I feel like once I readjusted my boundaries, it became peaceful.

His friends can not come over to hang out and get high, hell no, he cannot go hang at their house to get high, he cannot drive the kids around if he is high, he does not go to work high, or smoke on the job, he is not lazy when high, he actually mows the yard, cleans the fish tank, washes clothes, scrubs the floor... and the list goes on.

I was so tired of battling him on this.... I had to read everything I could find on pot and I made a decision based on what I found. Good luck in your decisions and your marriage!
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Old 08-26-2011, 05:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I meant to ask you what you mean by "flakey"?
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