My nightmare vacation - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 12:29 PM Thread Starter
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My nightmare vacation

I am returning here to TAM after several years. I received much previous support during and after my ex husbands divorce...it really was incredible! I came out of a 25 year marriage and began dating.

Eventually, I married a man after dating 3 years. He has an addiction history to meth. He claimed to be clean for 12 years. Ok. He did drink socially. He was exciting and fun and told me that "you are the love of my life. You are the person I prayed for..."

We married, in 2013, after his father died, he relapsed 6 months after....I caught on to his behaviors; drug tested him (my kids have hx of drug abuse) and kicked him out. Two weeks later, I told him I was filing for a divorce. He walked into HR, at work, told them he had a problem and promptly went to rehab (first time ever). He was the star student, at rehab, very interested in learning about recovery. He came home, lined up a sponsor and went to a local AA meetings.

Several months later...he wanted to have a drink. Meth was his D.O.C (drug of choice) and after why couldn't he drink. He ask me "I said it sounds like you are obsessing." Ask your sponsor. He did and they agree to wait a year before drinking. Of course, he began drinking socially a month later.

Fast forward to this year....he has chronic, acute migraines for about a year until he could no longer work(he was out for 3 months) His neurologist recommended counseling among other things. Drug addicts/history leave a life of broken relationships/shame/emotional immaturity.

He lined up a counselor and has been going ever since. His work schedule is crazy....many hours/shiftwork/min to no recreational time.

I was concerned about his health due to working. I was encouraging him to think about another position within the same company. For his health and our relationship. He would get offended; refuse to talk about it; and think I was demeaning him/his job. At one point...he suggested that work was more important than most anything. He went back on that comment later.

I began to feel alone in the relationship but determined to suck it up. Our sex life was min as he was having ED probems and need testosterone shots/ ED meds.

We went to Hawaii for 2 weeks this month (Nov). He was finally off and excited. The first few days were nice until the third evening, I mentioned sex and being more proactive (taking med earlier; not drinking as much (it had increased the last 3 months); and not waiting until evening when we are to tired. He shut down. He became distant and had an underlying anger in his tone. He was mean; I began to disconnect. I threated to leave after 4 days but I didn't. I felt alone with him.

A week into the vacation, I left. He told me he didn't want to talk (shutdown) and sort things out. This was a week now. I went to my friends house that lives close to where we were staying. He warned me we'd be done if I left. I told him "I don't know. I just want you to talk to me."

He refused any contact with me...the remained of the vacation. No text/call or emails. I figured we'd cool down and talk. Nope. I couldn't figure it out. He shuts down but not this long and severe.

I checked the phone records days later. I found a call to the escort service...minutes after I left. I also have a $300 cash w/d that evening. He was using meth and escorts (he hates cheaters etc) and I knew he was using again (he has trouble getting it up remember without meds/and meth does the trick).

Well...later on I see he befriended someone (a lady I found out) that he is doing things with......I texted her the information. She said she backed off. He contacted more escorts.

We flew back in silence and he was extremely angry/holding it in plus probably coming down off of meth.

He's out of the house. I've been on this roller coaster. He is behaving like a junior high kid. Taking the dog; asking for his things; accusing me of milking him dry (I own the home outright) and work. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to make it work; if he can or If I wanted to make it work. I told him that he needed to figure out what he wanted and come to me (humble....I am looking for humble).

Nope....it's been a week today. He came over Monday and behaved like a boy tossing a fit (to get a check from the mail). He said he was divorcing me "was I surprised." I said no but at least..I wanted him to look me in the eyes and tell me like a man.

A few nights again he called apologizing for his treatment. He said that we both haven't' been happy. I said...well I've always checked in with you to see if he was doing well with the relationship and he said 3 weeks ago "I am the happiest I have ever been!"

Out of curiosity I asked what were you unhappy about....he said "you don't cook as much as I would like. " What????? LOL what a job. I told him to tell God that you are divorcing me because I don't cook enough. (I cook when I can-he's a shiftworker and I work as well).

I scheduled a consult for Monday with an attorney. He's in denial; blames me; and is juvenile. Nothing left.

Last edited by Corpuswife; 12-03-2015 at 01:49 PM.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 12:55 PM
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Re: My nightmare vacation

wow , i think i would get out of this situation asap !!
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-05-2015, 12:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My nightmare vacation

He's coming to the house, in a half hour, to get some things. UGH. I don't really want to see him.

I do look cute at this point! LOL....Gotta let him know what he's missing but really he already knows.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-05-2015, 01:26 PM
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Re: My nightmare vacation

Get out this relationship ASAP. Meth is a worst drug out there. It changes mental and phisical state of person. Be ready for his health to deteorate.
Cut your losses and run. You can do better.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-07-2015, 04:35 PM
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Re: My nightmare vacation

I would leave, take a long hard look in the mirror and ask myself what is it about me that keeps attracting unhealthy partners, and go get professional help.

FYI. Addicts are highly discouraged from drinking alcohol. The chance of cross addiction and relapse are too great. In the future, if you see a recovering addict drinking RUN!!!!
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-07-2015, 09:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My nightmare vacation

This is my first unhealthy partner ever. I've been getting help and support. We are separated since the incident.

I will never date a recovering addict again.....
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 05:27 PM
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Re: My nightmare vacation

Sorry. I misunderstood. I thought your first husband had issues too. I apologize. I'm glad your getting the support you need. That is certainly a boundary you could set going forward, but I bet you'll be able to see the red flags much sooner from now on.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-11-2015, 12:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My nightmare vacation

Yes Ms. GP....the flags will be waving once I attempt to start dating again.

Thanks for your reply.

He texted a few days ago, to get the rest of his things. He asked if he could come by Friday and Saturday. I gave him specific times that I was available for both days. I asked him to use our joint account (his) to pay for our or "his" puppies spay. He said yes. I've yet to hear from him as I asked him to let me know when he was coming.

I am a busy woman...I am living life and taking care of my business.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-11-2015, 12:22 PM
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Re: My nightmare vacation

I think you should spend some time by yourself for a while instead of jumping into another relationship anytime soon.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-12-2015, 06:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My nightmare vacation

Quote:
Originally Posted by karole View Post
I think you should spend some time by yourself for a while instead of jumping into another relationship anytime soon.
Absolutely! I have no plans in the future. Just taking THIS relationship as it comes...divorce soon.
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-12-2015, 07:09 AM
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Re: My nightmare vacation

You seem pretty laid back about this. I see it as a dangerous situation to have a meth addict angry at you....
I'm sure you have all your money and a counts locked down. I would consider an alarm system and possibly having a friend stay with you a while.
I've led a pretty sheltered life as far as drugs and such, but even I know how meth addicts are... Keep safe.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-12-2015, 08:03 AM
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Re: My nightmare vacation

Oh my..just the escorts alone...who knows what diseases he is bringing home.
I'm glad for you that you are splitting up.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-13-2015, 02:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My nightmare vacation

Thank you Evinrude!

I am not worried...I don't see the signs of him using. He's drinking a good bit and he doesn't drink when he's using meth. Plus, other behaviors that I would notice.

My daughter lives with me as well.

I'm pretty confident that he's a coward and doesn't want trouble.
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