Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
Many people asked me how is married life as we recently got married 6 months ago. My answers is always, it's the same. Nothing has changed since we been together five years ago. However, I am getting really depressed and this is mainly due to my husband's behaviour. He is addited to online chats and loves to do advances to women, and do all the 'dirty talk' with them. I have caught him posting ads as he was single, requesting for pictures, offer to meet next time he is in town. etc. I have confronted him multiple time, tried to understand but all he says is just innocent play, he was bored and it's harmless. I have expressed many time how it hurts me and how difficult it was for me to live with his behaviour. He promised me multiple time to stop but he always fall back into it. During our last confrontation, he said something interesting "you should be happy that I am doing better/doing less of it". Which tells me he has an addition problem. What drives me crazy, is that he puts this happy go lucky, super interesting, everyone's hero type of guy and no one know the amount of hurt he has giving me over his 'addition'. My question is how to deal with this. I know that he does not react well with negative enforcement but at the same time I don't want to baby him into being a responsible husband. I don't know how to show him the amount of hurt he is causing me. I tell him that I am vey depressed because of it, but he doesn't buy it. He just say .. 'nah, you are not.. you are ok'. He is a good husband, never says No to me, let me do anything I want, but I feel he is not comfortable speaking about 'us'. He will literally blank out or fall asleep (right in front of me!). He is totally blocking it conversations, so I stop trying. I infuse small dosis and then go away for him to digest. In any case, this is causing a lot of distress for me (for him, he seems to be perfectly happy), I feel we are growing apart and I feel very taken for granted and disrespected. Any recommendations?
I found out my husband had been looking at porn after a year of marriage... he had been looking for most of the year. It was hours per day, every single day. After i confronted him, he was on myspace the next day looking at every mimimally dressed girl he could find even though he knew our marriage was in trouble... i just didn't understand that. I think that what your husband is doing is also very disrespectful to you and the fact that he won't stop even though it hurts you is awful. I'm still not over what my husband did, so if he's not even willing to stop then how would you get over what he is doing? I would suggest counseling and if he's not willing to work on it then i would leave... but i'm still trying to figure out what to do myself, so i don't have the best advice, but i'm sorry he's treating you like that, you deserve better.
He is a good husband, never says No to me, let me do anything I want, but I feel he is not comfortable speaking about 'us'. He will literally blank out or fall asleep (right in front of me!). He is totally blocking it conversations, so I stop trying.
Why would it be a good thing that he never says No to you and that he lets you do whatever you want? the reason he does that is b/c he wants to be able to do whatever he wants. He's not in the marriage.
Its not that he's uncomfortable speaking about the relationship. its actually that he doesnt think about it, so he doesnt have anything to say. 'do whatever you want, and i'll do whatever i want', is what he is saying about the relationship.
He tells you that you will be ok so he can feel better. and you probably will be ok, but that's not the point. the point is he doesnt want to hear how you are, b/c he doesnt want to stop.
You do need to stop trying with him right now. You know you arent going to leave. and you know what you've tried is only making you more depressed. but if you stop trying to help yourself, you will be miserable, and lose part of yourself. its up to you to decide how depressed you are going to get over this.
To straighten out your own depression, you need to do a little exercise in boundaries. This exercise will help you determine who belongs in what areas of your life, and who you are allowing in areas where they do not belong, thereby causing you unwanted pain. Ask yourself, what does a person need to do to just be your friend? or just an acquaintance? and most importantly, what does a person need to do to be in your most intimate circle? Write down in each of these categories what someone needs to do to be in them, for you. you dont just let anyone in your intimate, vulnerable circle, do you?
then consider what has your H done to earn one of these spots? has he earned the spot you are just giving to him? if not, what can you do to put him in the spot he's earned?
when you put him in the right spot, by sharing with him only what he has earned, then you will stop being so depressed. you will start to see things more clearly.
once you start to see thigns more clearly, then revisit how you want to handle the relationship.
I can't believe that someone else is going through this. I thought I was alone but you described my husband to a T. I didn't find out about his profiles until 3 years after we were together, and after he had an affair. Of course that made me wonder what else he had done in the past and how much he is hiding now. I'm very sorry you have to go through this too. I wish I had some advice for you.
maybe I can offer some advice, I find women extremely attractive and I love flirting and doing all the same things your husbands do, but I don't have the personal site profiles, But I flirt non stop.
So what advice can I give you here....
Do you have a cell phone? Can you text? send pics? etc?
My wife and I send naughty messages to each other all the time either text, pics or even a naughty video while we are at work or doing something seperate.
Maybe send him some naughty stuff to his e-mail etc.....spice things up a bit.
Have you ever bought any costumes, or done some naughty photo shoots with your husband? trust me he would love it.
I love to look at hot women, I love to flirt and be a bit naughty.
But I would rather do it with my wife, and find her 10,000 times sexier when she "plays" with me or sends me pics etc.
Your husband finds you hot, now be that sexy minx for him, stimulate him, so he will have no need for the internet ladies.
trust me, he rather be turned on by you then anyone else.
I agree with GA. I have caught my husband several times doing this. Saying he is single on his profiles, e-mailing other women, and I think talking with them too, etc. It hurt me and made me not trust him. When I confronted him he got angry and said he was leaving me. But lately I have tried a different approach. I am trying to give him what he is looking for online. I think it is working. I see a change in him. He is either hiding it better or he has stopped. Sometimes the way to a man's heart is with a naughty wife in a black nightie.
I have been very addicted to online chats with men which led to online affairs. I was a regular in a site devoted to married people looking for affairs. I never met any of these men in real life but enjoyed the attention and love I felt from another man desiring me. It is truly an addiction, and not really a need to seek sex outside my marriage.
Perhaps, hubby needs a new hobby, or healthier addiction. I replaced my flrity site with this one, which has so far been very clean, but then again, it's only my first day. Other addictions I am considering are exercise and de-cluttering. Being offline seems to be a better goal for me, but right now, I can't seem to get sober.
maybe I can offer some advice, I find women extremely attractive and I love flirting and doing all the same things your husbands do, but I don't have the personal site profiles, But I flirt non stop.
So what advice can I give you here....
Do you have a cell phone? Can you text? send pics? etc?
My wife and I send naughty messages to each other all the time either text, pics or even a naughty video while we are at work or doing something seperate.
Maybe send him some naughty stuff to his e-mail etc.....spice things up a bit.
Have you ever bought any costumes, or done some naughty photo shoots with your husband? trust me he would love it.
I love to look at hot women, I love to flirt and be a bit naughty.
But I would rather do it with my wife, and find her 10,000 times sexier when she "plays" with me or sends me pics etc.
Your husband finds you hot, now be that sexy minx for him, stimulate him, so he will have no need for the internet ladies.
trust me, he rather be turned on by you then anyone else.
hay, I've read your post and it is sad. I agree with you that what he is doing is totally wrong, you need to discuss the issue with him from the point of view that "what if" so as to see your point. Don't try "I did ..." or "I want". Try the following thought, "What if I have also previous friends and I want to do what you are doing, just for fun." or "What if one of our kids did the same (preferably a girl)" or "would you accept that your mom and dad do the same as you?" all of this is just to make him feel the pressure. don't forget to mix this with lots of love messages and some sexual appeal. Try also to fulfill his fantasy (first you need to discover it). Remember two things, you are fighting against a systematic industry that is so strong so be patient and never use lies : be honest and to the point. also consult a children behavior therapist, a man is just like a child, and can be fixed almost the same tools and methods. Take this from a man!!!!good luck
A few months ago i found out my husband paid to get registered on an adult friend finding site. I know he's been lurking at that site for over a year but though a free account only so he can't really chat or do anything. Then he actually paid to get full membership benefits. I did not confront him at first. Just lurked and see what he was doing. Once i noticed he started messaging girls (i can't really read the actual e-mails as it gets deleted when sent), i confronted him. At first he denied (as all men do) but he can't as i have proof. He started saying that he thought he can find me a girl friend (as he knows i expressed interest in girls and am bi-curious) but i noticed he messaged the kind of girls he likes and also girls who was only seeking to find men. He then told me that it's just for curious excitement and that he would never really cheat on me. Well, you know what, i don't care what it is but he has made me lost all trust in him now. I hated what he did behind my back for whatever reasons it was for and i hated him for lying when i confronted him. In the end i confiscated his account. I also made sure to screen cap everything to keep as proof as he deleted all this info from his e-mail shortly after.
We have many problems in our relationship and this is one of them. I have no trust in the man and no longer see him as the guy i married. Now all i have is regret that i ever met him.
Going through the same thing with my husband (plus some other stuff that's probably stemmed from avoiding his problems and indulging in this behavior instead of properly resolving conflict).
This WILL ESCALATE if you don't stop it now. The next thing is actually seeking out sex with people and taking things out on you. Trust me, that stage sucks.
Go to counseling with him. This is an addiction and you need to treat it as such. If you sweep it under the rug, you're enabling it. Be strong for yourself and for him and get help!
I realize this is a very old post, but I just have to say: Kick his sorry ass out!!! That's exactly what I did when I found out my husband was involved with Adult Friend Finder, SexSearch, chat sites, and trying to meet up with 'models' through sex escort agencies.
If you do what GAsoccerman has posted, he'll just continue what he's doing. That way he can interact with all those women on line PLUS you, getting what he wants from everyone.
He is cheating on you and he needs to have consequences for his actions or he will just keep doing it.
Its a big problem that your husband is interested in online chat with young girls and its very difficult for him to overcome from this addiction but i think you have to talk with your husband gently on this topic so he can understand what you want.
Online Chat and marriage 
