Is there hope from the damage of porn? - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 03:56 AM Thread Starter
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Is there hope from the damage of porn?

I have been posting a line of events on othe r threads and feeling that many people do not fully get the damage that porn can do. My wife has had her faults too in our marriage but I couldn't quite give the marriage more than 50% of myself. My wife asked me yesterday what exactly I was looking at. I told her the free site I was using and that it was all I looked at. She feels that there has been too much damage in the marriage and all she can think about is me moving out and buying my share of the house. I tell her how I am feeling and what I am doing to get help. She knows how remorsful I am and can see how much better I am with the kids but its an emotional rollercoaster and she can struggles to be around me in the house. She has gone to her mothers this weekend with the kids as she wanted some space from me. I said good because the atmosphere was unbearable. She seemed surprised that I was ok with that although she knows that I will miss the kids. She is hurting so badly and is so angry with me. Understandably too. I want to know what I can do right now that would be positive to the marriage. I cannot change her feelings about me but feel I need to do something. I want reassurances from her that we can get through this as I am scared of loosing everything. The guilt and realisation of what I have done is almost too much to take. The doctor even asked me if I had any thoughts of killing myself! My wife has not spoken to any professional yet. She just feels that she wasn't enough for me which isn't true. What steps should I take right now? I just want to do what is right for us all.
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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 04:06 AM
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Re: Is there hope from the damage of porn?

Here are some web sites that might help.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oFVOJf0TzY

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/r...-human-brain#/

Have you looked into a therapist who is also a sex therapist? They can help you work through stopping your porn use. It is completely doable.
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 06:12 AM Thread Starter
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I have an assessment in a weeks time with a therapist. My doctor has found some specialist clinics that may help. The fear of loosing my wife is overiding my ability to think about porn or healing right now. She is so angry and wanting to kick me out that she is not dealing with the hurt and just wants a quick fix. I opened a journal from a road trip we did when we got married and found naked photos I took of my wife on out honeymoon. I had to hide them because right now I am scared of any temptation. Is this normal?
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 02:24 PM
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Re: Is there hope from the damage of porn?

Was the site she asked you about a porn site?
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 02:35 PM
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Re: Is there hope from the damage of porn?

You cannot fix yourself overnight, and without ever going to IC. I know you have some future counseling scheduled.

And are you still looking at porn, just the free porn you can find on-line? And did you do this in the house, the same one your W is keen to sell? Think this might have something to do with her anger?

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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I am not looking at porn and walk away from any nudity or sex scenes on tv. I cannot stand it anymore for what it has taken from me. I did look at porn whilst in our house but also looked at in whilst sitting in the car. She says she is no longer angry but dead inside and has no feelings left for me. I think the anger is still there but other feels have come to the surface. Her father used to call her fat as a child and she has had breast enlargements and always concious of her figure. My porn habit has not helped at all. She just blanks me or looks mad and avoids me if possible around the house. Feel like crap and guilty for what I have done and Don't know if she will ever forgive me let alone not divorce me. I need a plan to save this family.
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 11:02 AM
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Re: Is there hope from the damage of porn?

Although I believe in the descructive nature of porn, I think her reaction is a bit overly so based on the little you say.

really? She catches you with porn and wants divorce without giving you a chance at therapy
or pornANON? A bit much unless there are other factors issues, or unless she has given you too many chances already.
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 11:10 AM
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Re: Is there hope from the damage of porn?

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Originally Posted by jorgegene View Post
Although I believe in the descructive nature of porn, I think her reaction is a bit overly so based on the little you say.

really? She catches you with porn and wants divorce without giving you a chance at therapy
or pornANON? A bit much unless there are other factors issues, or unless she has given you too many chances already.
You should read his other threads where he admits to going from the honeymoon to porn and neglecting his wife.

There is indeed more to the story.

Andy, I think it's great that you've faced your issue.....you are undoubtedly a better man for it.

Whether she can move beyond is her issue..... I'm not sure you can do more then you've done. This may not be salvagable.

Let her go and maybe she'll miss you. She can't miss you while you're up her arse.

She may be struggling with why it took her walking and it affecting your life before you dealt with it. Many women feel like this, that it's not important to their happiness but as soon as hubby's life is affected then he cares. Then she feels like it's all about you.

There's a good article you might read but I don't know how to link on my phone. Google "I've done everything she wants, why won't she come back".
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 11:10 AM
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Re: Is there hope from the damage of porn?

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I agree that the porn damaged my marriage and have come to terms that it controlled me by making me prefer it over my wife. It became easy to go and get off on porn than make an effort to be romantic and have intimacy with her.
From your other thread, as a wife who goes through this too- it hurts. Not being chosen over images on a screen and their hand feels.... pathetic.
You stop feeling like a woman, sexy, confident.
Even now if he "picks" me, I know it's because he thinks he has to and not because he prefers the real thing (and all the work that goes with it)

She likely shut off and walled up any chance of feeling sexual or intimate with you. That's hard to break through.

I think you guys could fix it if she was willing. You could try something like this How One Spouse Can Lead the Other Back to Intimacy
But if she's closed off and not willing to try then there is no point IMO.
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 01:33 PM
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Re: Is there hope from the damage of porn?

Andy-

Please keep doing your work....become a man of integrity regardless of the outcome with your wife. T

However, if you want to stay married, have your actions reflect that...be ALL in. If divorce/separation is brought up, respond with "That is not an option I choose to consider, I choose US" or something to that effect, to let her know your intentions. She has to take actions based off her intentions, not expect you to do it for her. Which means- do not move out of the house, set up counseling and go (even if she doesn't)...

If I could talk with your wife, I would tell her that it is best to make impactful decisions after the emotions have run their course for awhile (perhaps 6 months and with the help of a counselor).

I can understand the "extreme-ness" of the emotions your wife is feeling... I am the wife of a sex addict...and I have been where she many times... it does feel devastating, hurtful, awakens the insecurities.

If you're truly willing to work on this and make your marriage great, your wife will need to establish some boundaries (and consequences if those boundaries are violated). I hope that you have been able to deposit enough positives in your marriage that can offset this rather big negative...

Best of luck to you both!
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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 02:02 PM
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Re: Is there hope from the damage of porn?

Stop seeking reassurance. Drives them away faster than anything else. They have to choose to stay. If you even try to talk to her about it, she'll think you're manipulating her.

ALL you can do is be a better man, and hope she thaws and chooses to stay married.
You yourself can do absoluteley nothing.
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: Is there hope from the damage of porn?

I don't understand why you would choose to look at porn with your wife in the house when you were trying to get her to let you stay?
It's not like you didn't know she was adverse to the junk. Just sounds like shyte for brains.

Why don't you outline some reasons why your wife would be better off with you? Because off the top of my head I can think of a half-dozen why she would be better off without you.

What type of job do you think you can get if your wife kicks you out? Be aware that the companies monitor their employees' computer usage so don't think you can get your fix at work.
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 10:57 AM
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Re: Is there hope from the damage of porn?

There is always hope! However, its not JUST the porn that may be bothering her.

It's the rejection that she felt, possibly over years, when you didn't give her the time; energy or sex/attention that she was hoping. It could have been anything that took up space in your already busy lives. However, an addiction is different.

Porn (addictions in general) are more than likely some way of coping with your life. Possibly learned in childhood/teen/young adult that this was a way coping. It felt good and gave you instant relief-for awhile. Then, you needed it more frequently. Without it, stress and anxiety built up; you feel ashamed. Its a cycle.

Often with addictions, it's a catalyst that tosses you in another direction. The catalyst can be legal, medical, relationship issues, etc. Yours catalyst ,that is waking you up, is your wife wanting out (relationship).

What can you do? Much. Be consistent. Be confident. Be friendly.

It's seems you are already reaching out for help and you seem very humble. Good. Don't forget therapy to unlock the root of your addiction. SAA for live support is helpful.
I am not sure if you are spiritual or believe in God, but there is value in that if you do-seek it out if you wish.

This is a journey and not an overnight thing.

Kuddos to you, for wanting to save your family! I wish you the best.....Hugs to you. No person is perfect. We all make mistakes. It's how you make amends and do better for yourself and loved ones.
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 12:01 PM
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Re: Is there hope from the damage of porn?

I would urge you to stop the porn and force yourself to be pleasant, take on a new hobby, work a second job...... Anything to keep yourself absolutely to dang busy to worry about such things and get your mind off your troubles at home. Honestly, your wife is incapable of "giving you another chance". That's not how it works. Her resolve to leave you will hopefully weaken if she is happier and less stressed because you're working harder, not doing porn, seeking counseling, and showing yourself to be a different person. Perhaps you will be lucky enough that circumstances will keep her at home with you long enough.

I am telling you from experience that you should NEVER seek reassurance or even act interested in reconciliation. She knows you are! You don't have to tell her or ask her things about her being interested.

You need to accept that your wife is gone. If you can do that, it will be your best chance at reconciling, and if she won't choose to reconcile it will be the best for moving forward.
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 02:24 PM
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Re: Is there hope from the damage of porn?

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
The problems have been around for many years. My wife has always been a capable but controlling woman. She is very hot and I just fell for her and married her after a year. After our honeymoon. She found a lad magazine in my workshop and accused me if getting off on other women. She wanted to call it a day then and we nearly anulled the marriage. She soon took me back when the place I found was sharing with another woman. She has always been very jelous even though I have never given her cause. After 5 years of marriage, 1 daughter and friction between us as she didn't feel wanted as I played guitar in a band, she wanted a separation. I moved out reluctantly and hoped we could work things out. She then decided to date different men, do cocaine and treat me like a servant and baby sitter when she wanted to go out. After loosing 4 stone and suffering the most difficult 9 months, I met a woman and decided to go on a date. My wife was not happy and the day after wanted to reconcile the marriage as I had become trim and more attractive to her. She then wanted to complete our family with a second child. Everything was ok except our sex life was dead. I started watching porn of all kinds on these sites, from latina babes to grandpa with teenagers. ( this is that has sickened her the most). I just went through the menu and looked at everything. She didn't find out and our sexual needs were met as she masturbated too. We had replaced each other by going solo because we were both too tired with two young children. We have had our ups and downs like most couples but she doesn't like me havung any hobbies or destractions from the family and this has caused problems as I have always written music.
The problems with my daughter were that her behaviour was getting out of control. She would shout at me. Run to her mother if I refused to let her have something. The crux came when she was hysterical and I smacked her bum. She was holding a pen next to her side and it stabbed me in the hand. At this point my wife couldn't deal with us both and wanted me out. It blew over. I then pulled my daughters arm one day when she was being rude to me and told her off. She went to her mother and told her I had hit her. Again, I was told to leave. It blew over as I agreed counselling in the home. It worked great and we discovered that my daughtet was being bullied at school. This brought us all closer as a family as we dealt with the problem. Then we went to lapland......
My wife has always been a very sexual woman in her head but never shared it. I found that she too had been looking at photos of naked women online recently but she never told me. She has secrets I eould never know. A few months ago I found that she had been flirting with a family friend on messenger! I think he started it byt she went along with it. When we had seperated before, she would send bikini snaps of herself to other guys to feel wanted. I on the other hand am quite shy and like a quiet life. I have never cheated taken drugs, flirted with other women. I just looked at porn.
Please ask if I missed anything
What am I missing here, she sounds like a nut.
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