Tired - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 09:49 PM Thread Starter
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Tired

Had a great weekend last week with the other half. He is having a dry January (though not completely drank the once I knew off - a few pints).
Last night going he infomed me he was going for dinner with client, told me location and time he would be home, i.e. 10am. i go to bed by 10.30 as had an early morning flight out of town. Woke up at 12 midnight, he still wasn't home, called him, he was quite high (they, 3 of them had drank a lot of wine) and said he would be home soon, just leaving.
I was pissed off, went back to bed. He woke me this morning - so I wouldn't miss my flight, though I have ever needed him to wake me up. I know he is out with his friends tonight for a party (and it is still January). I am at my wits end because there is no respect for me at all. I told him so in a note I left him, told him to think about whether he wanted a single life or not because he couldn't have both. I also told him I want a divorce. I also text him why I am upset and his responses were 'enjoy yourself' 'have a good time' all passive aggressive BS. I called him and he yelled at me what was my problem, I could text him at 10pm, he would have responded. Now it is my fault, and I am the unreasonable crazy b****!

I am not yet in a financial position to leave. Just started working full time this month. I feel so frustrated, any love i have for him is slowly ebbing away, he is a POS and I do not deserve to be treated this way. Can anyone advise me how I act in the house when I go back on Sunday. I want to cut him out of my life, move out of the bedroom and pretend he doesn't exist. I hate him for what he does to me. It is my fault because I never set boundaries for all these years, now I want to set boundaries because i have nothing to lose and this is what happens. This marriage is killing me. i know I can do the 180 and go from there.
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 11:47 AM
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Re: Tired

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
Had a great weekend last week with the other half. He is having a dry January (though not completely drank the once I knew off - a few pints).
Last night going he infomed me he was going for dinner with client, told me location and time he would be home, i.e. 10am. i go to bed by 10.30 as had an early morning flight out of town. Woke up at 12 midnight, he still wasn't home, called him, he was quite high (they, 3 of them had drank a lot of wine) and said he would be home soon, just leaving.
I was pissed off, went back to bed. He woke me this morning - so I wouldn't miss my flight, though I have ever needed him to wake me up. I know he is out with his friends tonight for a party (and it is still January). I am at my wits end because there is no respect for me at all. I told him so in a note I left him, told him to think about whether he wanted a single life or not because he couldn't have both. I also told him I want a divorce. I also text him why I am upset and his responses were 'enjoy yourself' 'have a good time' all passive aggressive BS. I called him and he yelled at me what was my problem, I could text him at 10pm, he would have responded. Now it is my fault, and I am the unreasonable crazy b****!

I am not yet in a financial position to leave. Just started working full time this month. I feel so frustrated, any love i have for him is slowly ebbing away, he is a POS and I do not deserve to be treated this way. Can anyone advise me how I act in the house when I go back on Sunday. I want to cut him out of my life, move out of the bedroom and pretend he doesn't exist. I hate him for what he does to me. It is my fault because I never set boundaries for all these years, now I want to set boundaries because i have nothing to lose and this is what happens. This marriage is killing me. i know I can do the 180 and go from there.
Sorry to hear about your H. Try not to accept the shame and blame he is putting on you. It's perfectly reasonable to ask him not to stay out late drinking. He is resorting to gaslighting and making you feel crazy in an effort to shut you down. Go ahead and shut down. Don't caretake for him. Let him suffer the consequences if he is out drunk and gets in trouble.

Instead focus on you. The 180 is a great idea. Learn it, live it and love it as you position yourself to separate. The less you interact with him the better.

Really consider if staying is worth the possible improvement in finances. The fact you are working full time now is great. Get a divorce attorney and do the initial consult on what you can expect. Use that to create a budget for living expenses, having that vision will remove the uncertainty and help you move forward. The worst part of staying is living in limbo.

If you haven't already, check to see if there are any good Alanon groups in your area. The program can really help you in dealing with the crazy the addict tries to put on you.

Wishing the best for you.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:25 PM
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Re: Tired

I agree with ACOA...start a plan for leaving. Get some support via Alanon or Counseling.

Remember, you can separate and not divorce. It's a first step in restoring your sanity when it gets to crazy to be around.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-05-2016, 10:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Tired

Have been to Al Anon a few times ( a group consisting of leader, me and another) so not so useful. I have joined an online group too. I guess part of me wants things to get better, they do and then they go down hill. I ought to know better. I need to repeat the ALAnon mantra that I am powerless over alcohol and him and it makes my life a mess. I need to look forward. Thank you for reminding me!
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: Tired

I agree with the others. Begin your plan to leave. Also, some kind of support group or counselor. I was also in an emotionally draining relationship many years ago. I thought "I couldn't afford to leave" either. Looking back, I could. I just did't know it. I'd start the separation process now though - while living at home. Also, look into the laws of support, etc. You might qualify for temporary support while you're getting yourself in a better financial situation.

To remain in a situation like this takes an enormous toll on you - one that can take years to repair. I'd say take action sooner than later. All the best.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 03:28 PM
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Re: Tired

Aine ,,, you aren't going to stop him from drinking ,,, only he can do that. I have to check myself on this one or I'd have a bottle of wine every night. I haven't stopped drinking but I just don't keep very much at home.

We're generally done in a relationship when it hurts more to stay together than it does to leave. It sounds like you're there.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 07:29 AM
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Re: Tired

I was in your situation but on the other side. It is true that your husband's behavior has a direct impact on you and your life. It is true that his behavior has harmed your marriage and your emotional well being. How you feel is completely valid. Your decision to end the relationship or complete a 180 is completely valid. A 180 may be enough to push him to bottom out. If you don't mind, I would like to provide you with some perspective and insight on what its like to be on the other side. I will not defend your husband's behavior because honestly it is indefensible. I know it may not seem like it but we actually do "know" what we are doing to others; especially those we love. We DO love you and care about you but (and yes this sounds like an excuse) our addiction and alcoholism drives our decision making. It is a compulsion and obsessive behavior that drives our decisions and reactions to life. Your husband may have had the intention to adhere to his promise but he gave into his compulsion and once that happens, it is very easy to convince yourself that you have an out... that you can manipulate everyone around you so that you come out unscathed. It takes tremendous will to get sober. I have been sober for over 10 years now and trust me when I tell you that it was the hardest thing I will ever do and there are days still when I hear this voice in the back of my head telling me to trade it in for a high. It will always be there, I have learned to manage it. I left a lot of loved ones on the way. I lost my first wife and her family whom I adored. My wife and I met in college and she got all of our friends. I hold no anger towards that, it was my fault. One thing I told my 2nd wife when we got married... I am an addict and an alcoholic. I cannot promise that I will never drink or do drugs again though right now I have no intention of doing so. IF I do, it has nothing to do with you. I will lie to you and pretend that I did nothing wrong. It is still not about you. If I drink or do drugs it is because I made a conscious decision to do so and that is MY decision. It is your husband's decision. Lastly, I just want to say this.... some people can never get sober. Some people can never get clean. Their drinking and drugs are what they need. It doesn't mean you have to stay or care for them. It just is. I hope this helped a little.
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