Boy am I having a hard time. I have been together with my husband a total of 19 years coming up in January. We have to teenage daughters. For 18 of the 19, he drank. Jan 2008-he "lost his mind" and completely lost it one evening. He began going to AA a few weeks later. He began attending church about a month ago. As happy as I am that he is getting help, and as I too know that I need help for being codependant, certain things don't seem to be changing at all. Along with his alcoholism, he has several other addictions. Sex being one of them.
Through our relationship which began when I was 16 & he 21, I have been through the following life changing experiences with him.
- caught in bed with my younger sister
- one time physical abuse
- drug and alcohol addiction/regression
- financial irresponsibility
- lack of any communication skills-shuts down
- constant "fantasy speak" to the point of my allowance-even began "swinging" to keep happy
- lived my marriage on hope...that he would do the right thing
- constant let downs
- no romance
- sex was sex...the rougher the better....never once "made love"
- rarely had sex without alcohol in almost 20 years
- and these are just a few highlights of my marriage
- constantly used as the brunt of jokes to make others laugh and him seem as hilarious
- NO female friends due to his either sleeping with or connotations that he would like to/flirting in front of me, requests for 3sums, etc
So what I have done, was allowed myself to be treated as a doormat, and lived my life on trying to do everything I could to keep him from cheating and not leaving. WOWWWWWW. Why was I so stupid? I gave up all of me, for him...... I live my whole life on the hope that he would.....or how many times I uttered the words orally or in my head of "I wish he..." All to never once get anything I "hoped or wished" for. And yet I feel like I should still perservere and try and work through it.
Now that he has begun treatment, he has gone from swinging and drinking, to the other extreme of extreme AA and religion addiction. Both of us always had the same belief on religion as a fairy tale involving an invisible man and crazy stories. Now, he preaches the latter every chance he ges. He has gone from being uninvolved in life due to addiction, to uninvolved bcause he has now become addicted to AA.
He gave up alcohol for coffee and sweets. He gave up partying and swinging for church. He missed out on years of my girls and I for not being there conciously...to now not being there physically because of meetings and church. I am now invisible and he hsas shut me out completely to "Work on his wn self recovery". Shouldn't I still be part of his life and shouldn't he be working on "us" too?????? How long do I need to wait for his recovery? What am I waiting for?
I am extremely angry. Today, I am supposed to be signing a lease on an apartment. I was up and online at 2am, because I know that by doing this, I too become as financially irresponsible as he has been by leaving him with a mortgage payment that he has no way to pay without me, and a broken family as one child would move with me and the other would stay with him..The thought of those two topics alone kill me.
I have begun counseling, and have ordered a TON of books on non violent communication,by Marshall Rosenberg as I know that is my biggest obstacle to overcome...my anger issues that have come from years of being an abused wife....
I asked him to begin counseling with me. He says he has been in counseling for 10 months...(AA and Church). I believe he needs more mental help, than spiritual or religious help. He says he will go to marriage counseling, but not personal counseling. I can't let it go that the ONE thing in all our years that I ask of him to prove his love and save our marriage, he won't do. Says he shouldn't have to rve himself to me. Am I being too controlling? Should I accept the marriage counseling and be good with that???
Or is it time to move on??????
My mind says go.....everyone I know says go.......but my heart still hopes that he will be the husband I have "hoped and wished" for all those years.
Am I perfect? Hell no. Have I made my share of mistakes? Absolutely. But I really feel that I am 10% the problem and he is 90% and I think I'm being generous by saying 10 for me. I feel like everything I have become through the years was what or who he wanted..each time he wanted a change, I made that in me to keep him happy. All the while, becoming more angry inside. I have a lot of blame for him. I don't know how to get past that blame and hurt and anger...and work on my issues when he has sooooooooooooooo many!
He has stated that he has come so far..but yet I still see history of him searching online for women, he still doesn't pay his share of bills ontime if at all, nor does he communicate with me. I don't see the changes he supposedly has made other than he doesn't drink anymore..........
My biggest fear is that if I leave, and he does "change"...how will I deal with him living a life with a new wife and being this wonderful intimate and caring husband to her....after being so incredibly horrible to me, when all I wanted was to love and be loved by him??????????
I'm a mess.....any thoughts or ideas...or personal stories would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your time and caring.