living_on_hp

Boy am I having a hard time. I have been together with my husband a total of 19 years coming up in January. We have to teenage daughters. For 18 of the 19, he drank. Jan 2008-he "lost his mind" and completely lost it one evening. He began going to AA a few weeks later. He began attending church about a month ago. As happy as I am that he is getting help, and as I too know that I need help for being codependant, certain things don't seem to be changing at all. Along with his alcoholism, he has several other addictions. Sex being one of them.

Through our relationship which began when I was 16 & he 21, I have been through the following life changing experiences with him.

• • abandonment
  • caught in bed with my younger sister
  • one time physical abuse
  • drug and alcohol addiction/regression
  • financial irresponsibility
  • lack of any communication skills-shuts down
  • constant "fantasy speak" to the point of my allowance-even began "swinging" to keep happy
  • lived my marriage on hope...that he would do the right thing
  • constant let downs
  • no romance
  • sex was sex...the rougher the better....never once "made love"
  • rarely had sex without alcohol in almost 20 years
  • and these are just a few highlights of my marriage
    • constantly used as the brunt of jokes to make others laugh and him seem as hilarious
    • NO female friends due to his either sleeping with or connotations that he would like to/flirting in front of me, requests for 3sums, etc

So what I have done, was allowed myself to be treated as a doormat, and lived my life on trying to do everything I could to keep him from cheating and not leaving. WOWWWWWW. Why was I so stupid? I gave up all of me, for him...... I live my whole life on the hope that he would.....or how many times I uttered the words orally or in my head of "I wish he..." All to never once get anything I "hoped or wished" for. And yet I feel like I should still perservere and try and work through it.

Now that he has begun treatment, he has gone from swinging and drinking, to the other extreme of extreme AA and religion addiction. Both of us always had the same belief on religion as a fairy tale involving an invisible man and crazy stories. Now, he preaches the latter every chance he ges. He has gone from being uninvolved in life due to addiction, to uninvolved bcause he has now become addicted to AA.

He gave up alcohol for coffee and sweets. He gave up partying and swinging for church. He missed out on years of my girls and I for not being there conciously...to now not being there physically because of meetings and church. I am now invisible and he hsas shut me out completely to "Work on his wn self recovery". Shouldn't I still be part of his life and shouldn't he be working on "us" too?????? How long do I need to wait for his recovery? What am I waiting for?

I am extremely angry. Today, I am supposed to be signing a lease on an apartment. I was up and online at 2am, because I know that by doing this, I too become as financially irresponsible as he has been by leaving him with a mortgage payment that he has no way to pay without me, and a broken family as one child would move with me and the other would stay with him..The thought of those two topics alone kill me.

I have begun counseling, and have ordered a TON of books on non violent communication,by Marshall Rosenberg as I know that is my biggest obstacle to overcome...my anger issues that have come from years of being an abused wife....

I asked him to begin counseling with me. He says he has been in counseling for 10 months...(AA and Church). I believe he needs more mental help, than spiritual or religious help. He says he will go to marriage counseling, but not personal counseling. I can't let it go that the ONE thing in all our years that I ask of him to prove his love and save our marriage, he won't do. Says he shouldn't have to rve himself to me. Am I being too controlling? Should I accept the marriage counseling and be good with that???

Or is it time to move on??????

My mind says go.....everyone I know says go.......but my heart still hopes that he will be the husband I have "hoped and wished" for all those years.

Am I perfect? Hell no. Have I made my share of mistakes? Absolutely. But I really feel that I am 10% the problem and he is 90% and I think I'm being generous by saying 10 for me. I feel like everything I have become through the years was what or who he wanted..each time he wanted a change, I made that in me to keep him happy. All the while, becoming more angry inside. I have a lot of blame for him. I don't know how to get past that blame and hurt and anger...and work on my issues when he has sooooooooooooooo many!

He has stated that he has come so far..but yet I still see history of him searching online for women, he still doesn't pay his share of bills ontime if at all, nor does he communicate with me. I don't see the changes he supposedly has made other than he doesn't drink anymore..........

My biggest fear is that if I leave, and he does "change"...how will I deal with him living a life with a new wife and being this wonderful intimate and caring husband to her....after being so incredibly horrible to me, when all I wanted was to love and be loved by him??????????

I'm a mess.....any thoughts or ideas...or personal stories would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your time and caring.

-April

voivod

what you have described (the dynamic between your husband and yourself) is pretty typical of relationships between alcoholics/addicts and their "codependent" partners. your resentment for his method of recovery (you do resent it because it takes power away from you)...citing the previous life you had, with his swinging, extremes, abandonment, etc; you need him to do these things within your relationship structure for you to hold a valuable position in this partnership. your skills are so finely honed as a supercaretaker...it's what you do best.

your thread is titled "...should i stay or should i go?"

ask yourself this: "is his involvement in AA helping with his alcohol abuse?"

now: "what else would need to improve for this relationship to thrive and be healthy?"

i suspect you need to learn about your illness. if you are or think you are codependent (and you describe yourself as such to a tee) then i think (and i can't believe i'm about to say this) that you should find an individual counselor and have him/her speak with you about codependency and find a codependency self-help group. the less you continue to enable, the more his recovery will make sense within the relationship matrix.

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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g18, g12, g11, b7

Blanca

Have you ever gone to the al-anon meetings?

I think you need to back off and just take care of yourself for awhile. My sister tried for years to "fix" her alcoholic husband (no ex husband). she always wanted the cute little family where everyone went to the soccer games. she really thought that's how he should be. she had that so ingrained in her mind that she had to try and make him be that person for her.

Also doing some boundary books would help you, i think. It will teach you how to ask for what you need without being controlling.

How do you like that book by Rosenberg, by the way? I also have a temper and am looking for was to fix it.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

MarkTwain

If this really is your biggest fear then I agree with voivod that you need individual counselling as much as him. You already admitted that you are co-dependent. It's an easy word to say, but have you thought through the implications?

If you went to the co-dependency equivalent of AA, and you were able to give up the dependency, you would be surprised at how your quality of life would improve.

I really feel for you. But you are so far down the hole, you need the tools to dig yourself out. Wishing your husband was different to the reality won't work. Becoming a self actualised human being will.

Chris H.

Al-anon is a great suggestion, it could help you deal with all this stuff and understand him better.

If he keeps going to AA and actually "works the program," his extreme behavior should improve over time and he should become a better person. AA teaches you to recognize your selfishness and try to be a better person for the people around you. That doesn't mean everyone does it of course, it's just a side effect of working the 12 steps.

This has been my experience, and all of my family could vouch for it. If I make it to January 4, 2009, I will be sober x 9 yrs.

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MarkTwain

Wow Chris you dark horse! Well done.

Jason

Wow, that is a crazy behavior. Every response above is a good place to start. I can't even formulate words for all that in your post. Swinging? I can't even imagine. Ok, Im not going to be a prude but holy ****, that is way out there on the spectrum. I am not going to say right or wrong to it because its honestly one persons personal choice and I am pro choice 100% but holy cow did you feel "OK" with all that? If you were submitting, and I mean honestly submitting to it, then you got to reevaluate all that. I couldn't even imagine consenting to my wife being involved with another man right in front of me let alone in secret. That is some very significant things to deal with.

There is always two sides and he might have a much tuned down response but if its anything like you described, that is just pure unhealthy to anyone to go thru. Which begs the question, how much of the consent was mutual by you? Were you ok with all that was going on 100% of the time? Please don't blame yourself either, that isn't what I am getting at, but did you pursue any of this or were you forced into that lifestyle?

quick edit: If you were a victim to that life style and his drinking/violence, get out. Take control so you are not a victim any longer. Get to somewhere safe so that you can get help. Please do not let your heart and spirit be destroyed by a behavior pattern like that.