My husband and the porn - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-01-2016, 11:11 PM Thread Starter
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My husband and the porn

Hi everyone, i'm new here, i'm not used to talk about and more to use a forum for my couple but this time i need help really.

At least English is not my mother tongue so i'm sorry for the grammatical fault and disconfort at your reading.

So let me explain you. When i met my man, i was not really sexual active, for me the sex was more like an obligation , but with him that changed, i discovered the pleasure and the joy of sex. He never hide me that he watched porn since are first date but first i didn't know that was so often ( everyday) and second it's getting wrong .

When we started to live together, we decided to share our password, our phone, our mail like that we could remove every doubt from each other ( i was out from a cheating relation so i found that great he did it for make me sure about us) obviously some application and browser i could check only when he's st home and same if i had to tell him to stop to talk with some woman coworker ( they had some way to talk to him that woman understand it's better to put them out and far from husband) he did it with just a little word coz he didn't saw what wad wrong ....

Anyway i saw in his phone browser he used an application popular here for get news and interact with the shared news, there is no problem of course, a lot of ad was about porn or explicit picture so i told him i want he stop to use this when we go bed like that i would be sure that he don't get excited by them when we have sexual relation. He did it and didn't go there when we went in the bed.

But recently after given birth i restart to worked, the problem it's he work day time and i work night time ( part time) and he restart to watch porn more and more. I found he install porn application in his phone, when i confronted him he.just smiling and say ye sit's for watch porn every men do it.

I tried to go over and let him do it when i'm working but our sexual life get wrong, he don't watch me anymore when we have sex, he watch porn before i come bed the time i take shower or outside, he fake to watch movie but all the movie he download as with 85% sex relation, he have a lot of this movie downloaded inside phone, application for porn movie, and porn movie ... i told him that hurt me , i'm the one who have to everytime ask for sex, he told me that i ask.too much so i calm down but he watch and masturbate everyday! So his dependence for porn is now break our couple! And he say it's me, i'm too jealous every men do so i.have to accept.

So before yesterday i removed his porn application and yesterday i sent him a message for.say that i will finish work early and so ... we could have sex. When i came back home i took shower and after when i went bed i saw the trash box... so i check his phone and he downloaded again the porn app. So i just said [ you downloaded again this app ? ] and his smiling and told me yes of course so i told him i wanted have sex it's wrong that he masturbated before and so he just started to kissing me and try to make me laugh by changing topics. But that didnt worked. I really got upset. I'm tired that he can't stop to watch porn and download this everyday! I tried to watch with him but with me he don't mind! He don't mind about how i feel, i can't concentrate to anything because i'm everytime worry about what he do. I tried to masturbate beside him for make him excited but he.just fall asleep. When i asked him if he will be happy that i watch porn for get motivation before sex or for masturbate so like that we couldn't have sex , he just answered ( good you need to do it ) . I'm so pissed

I don't know how to do for he stop porn. It's so painful especially because he watch everytime skinny girl and he dob't stop to remember me i'm not like that.

I don't know if i can support this anymore. That destroy me more and more everyday,i lost all self confidence and love. I lost my desired for him and i'm so sad.
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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 11:38 AM
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Re: My husband and the porn

Try not to let his bad behavior destroy your self worth. His choice to use porn is his problem, you are not the cause.

You have stated clearly to him this bothers you, yet he continues. This is not the action of a strong and loving man. This is the action of someone who is weak and deceitful. Figure out if he is addicted to porn for it's own sake, or if he is hiding something. Perhaps he has some problem and he is too embarrassed to disclose it to you, so he keeps it a secret.

In any case, you can't make him stop. He has to want to stop. If you try to make him stop, you become the police or an angry parent disciplining a child. Acting that way will further erode the husband and wife bond you should share, and in the end, the choice is still his to stop.

Focus instead on yourself. What can you do to make yourself feel sexier? As you explore that, you may want to detach from your H. Tell him if he is going to use porn knowing how it hurts you, you don't want him in your bed. He can sleep on the couch and watch porn and masterbate all night. You can get a good nights sleep and think about if you want to live with that the rest of your life, or consider divorce.

Not an easy choice. But the first step in taking control, is realizing you have control.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 09:41 PM Thread Starter
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Thx Acoa,

Honnestly yesterday i let him see my post and his reaction was ( good you can get some advice!) So i told him now it's too much i want he choice porn or me .... he answered he choice porn. So i told him i will leave him Asap. He first didn't react. After a few minutes he said that i'm just giving up he don't like people who give up easily. So i explain him again how i feel and he thought i talked about.choice to have sex with me or porn not to leave him ... so we had long talk. He told me he can refrain but actually he don't wanna stop completely... so we decided he can use porn and masturbation twice a week when i work , but he have to make an effort for make me desired. So after that he restart to talk about mariage( i said my husband but we are still not in mariage it's for this year).

There it's a point for sure , if he can't refrain and do what he said yesterday i will not marry him. I love him more than anything, more than my life but i don't wanna live a sad and destructive mariage.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 11:30 PM Thread Starter
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Thx for your comment, honestly i'm not satisfied with this compromise. I know the probleme is biggest than i try to convince myself.

The most i think about and more my heart is hurt and break... i just try to give him a chance , i just try to save my couple even if i know it's a losing war that i use my energy for.

Like i thought yesterday i had work and i came back at 4:30 am, of course he had masturbation and porno. Today and tomorrow i have to work at night too, i know he will do it even if that mean he will already miss his promise because over two time this week.

The most difficult it's that i know this probleme will grow up and he will pass a step if he can't stop now. And i can't let him pass this step and break the last part from my heart wich is still alive.

And here it's so common for the men to cheating. I'm so afraid everyday,when i'm at work, when i go shopping, when he go drink party or play with friends... i can't trust him. He said that my jealousy is too much and make him inconfortable but what he don't understand it's that it's him who make me like that.

I'm so tired and afraid... i'm completely lost...
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 11:54 PM
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Re: My husband and the porn

Takei, your boyfriend did not lie to you about his porn use, since he told you from the first date. I believe that you were naive, and didn't realize that there is porn use, then there is PORN use.

I was like you too, when I was younger. I thought that a little porn use by my husband was not bad. WRONG. Porn is progressive. It starts small and grows. It is an addiction, like alcohol. I guess there might be some people who can have one glass of beer, and never progress. Porn can be like that, but for most people I believe porn is not like that....it always progresses, slowly or quickly, but it progresses.

Porn use damages relationships, and it damages the person using it as well. Here is a good website where you can learn how internet porn use is damaging people. Many people are deciding to stop using it because they want their minds and bodies back.

Your Brain on Porn: How Internet Porn Affects the Brain (2015) | Your Brain On Porn

It sounds like your fiance is a porn addict. You cannot stop him. You can stop yourself from being in a relationship with a person who is an addict. You have told him what you want. If he is not the kind of ma you want then you must be true to yourself.

The next time you date a man, listen to him, and use the wisdom you have gained to not get involved with a man who thinks it is fine to use porn. Find someone who thinks like you do and do not compromise your values.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-05-2016, 12:18 AM Thread Starter
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In fact i was naive, i didn't know the damage that porn can coz in the relation. I didn't know that was possible to be addict. It's why i was not upset that he watched sometimes. There i was really stupid it's when we talked about our favorite actor anf he told me the name to a porn actress. And when we was with his colleague and we asked him who he love at first and he.didn't say me ... he said his favorite porn actress.

I know most of people will tell me to leave him, i talked about again yesterday with my colleague.... and even if that was not in my option... than become my only way... the probleme it's here , when a man separate from girlfriend or wife , they completely denied them children. So i'm afraid for our son. And it's not difficult only for that but also because his my lover, the man for who i did a thing that i'm not proud but i did it by love.

Anyway , even if i told him that i give us another chnce, i still keep searching my own house and my stability for leave him if he don't stop all asap.

Thx for your advice and for the link. It's really.good to express my feeling and be understand by some people who.don't judge me anymore.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-05-2016, 12:29 AM
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Re: My husband and the porn

Have him watch the video too and read the website. He can become impotent too, and begin to have sexual problems from the constant pron use. The problems are in the head and in the penis. Have him watch this video too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHHyt6z0osA

This information might help him decide he wants to stop using porn. It is a very real problem.

Can you move in with family and keep your son if you decide to leave him?
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-05-2016, 12:59 AM Thread Starter
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He don't watch anything that can prove him he.have a problem, the only things he believe it's porn... i feel so sad to say that but it's true. He is in complete denied about porn consequence.

I'm not in my country, it's difficult to move out in my situation but isn't mean that i will stay if that don't change.

For my son of course i will take him if i leave him, but.to know he will just growing up without father make me wonder about his future.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 12:22 PM
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Re: My husband and the porn

I can hardly believe it was 40 years ago I met my first husband. On our very first date he showed me his pornography collection! This was before computers, etc.
I was so inexperienced and naive. I thought I could change him. We got married but it spiraled out of control.
Even though we had just bought a house, I decided to divorce him and that was the best decision I ever made.
I do not believe you can reform people addicted to porn.
My brother has had the same problem for over 40 years and I don't know why his wife tolerates it.
I remarried and we avoid any porn or related things because it still bothers me.
I never told any of my family or his what the problem was. They thought something was wrong with me I guess, but I cut off all communication and we had no children.
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 02:19 AM
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Re: My husband and the porn

Quote:
But recently after given birth
I'd suggest that you focus on the mental health and needs of your child and that should help you decide what matters here and how to PROTECT your child from being damaged by it's parents.

choose happiness
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