I'm scared the sex will stop - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:07 PM Thread Starter
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I'm scared the sex will stop

I am a 42 year old woman married to the love of my life for 16 yrs. We dated in high school, went our separate ways and one day ran into each other while both of us were going thru divorce from 1st marriages. I was 23 he was 25, it's been a hell of a ride as a marriage. In the beginning I wasn't always faithful. I have had a couple of one night stands and 2 affairs. All of which he has no idea of. In our 30's we started experimenting with drugs which lead to having threesomes with another male. One of them became a regular weekend thing. I had no desire to have these threesomes but I did it to satisfy my husband. For some reason I was always afraid he'd throw it in my face later. Or try to use it as an excuse to have sex with someone else. About 2 yrs ago, he decided to have a facebook account. I opened one up for him and showed him how to get around in it. A few months later I started (unknowingly) going into a depression and was then diagnosed with Lupus and depression. My husband started acting different, more secretive with his phone and stuff. My ex husband was a huge womanizer so i knew the signs. I logged into his FB and found he was chatting with a woman. I confronted him, he played it like it wasn't a big deal and changed his password. He wrote the password down so he wouldn't forget it and left it in his jeans. I do all the laundry. He started learning how to navigate through the Internet on his smartphone. About 6 months ago the regular guy started to not call or by. We met another man to participate in the 3somes. After the 2nd 3some with this guy I wasn't comfortable with him. When my husband and I have sex we always talk dirty, mainly about how the other men have satisfied me. No one can satisfy me the way my husband can. And I know it's because I'm completely in love with him. I have told him this over and over and expressed that I don't have an orgasm ever with any other man except my husbsnd. But in the dirty talk I say what he wants to hear, he gets very turned on which gets me turned on and we've had such great sex. 3 months ago I found out he had opened a zoosk account (online dating website) I was devastated, I confronted him he denied it and took my phone from me cuz he said I was just getting in his business. I get up every morning to make him breakfast and lunch and send him to work. The next morning after confronting him we didn't sleep together and I didn't get up. He left to work with my phone. At noon he came home admitted to what he had done apologized gave me my phone and said he'd delete the account. That night we made love had amazing sex!! Next morning I got zoosk and he was online. Again my heart broke. Confronted him again. His excuse to getting on zoosk was cuz in one of our dry talking sex nights I said I swallowed, he was asking me if I did while we were f*#$&% I said no at first he kept asking me like he wanted me to say yes so I said yes. That was in October. November his little brother suddenly passed away at the age of 43. They were very close, and it was just them 2. My husband really leaned on me the whole month as he and parents dealt with this. December I felt like we had become so close, but he was still lying to me about little unimportant things. A few days before new year's we were gonna have sex and he asked I wanted to watch a few porn videos he DL on his phone, so he screen mirrored to our smart tv, and watched them while we f*#!. When we were done he was getting out of the video player and on his phone there was a notification from "hookedup.cougars" I questioned him and he said it was spam email. I knew better, it took me 2 days but I found the website, and his profile. At first he wouldn't admit to it, but when i showed him on my phone his profile his excuse again was me swallowing and tgs i always enjoyed the 3somes. I also found out he created the account dec. 10th. Added his profile picture Dec 25! To this day he won't talk about it, he lies about everything, and i hesitate to say things when we're having sex cuz it'll bite me in the ass. If I don't talk dirty to him he doesn't get hard. I don't know what to do. I feel so betrayed. Even though he hasn't physically cheated, that I know of, I am very hurt. Especially because I don't believe anything he says. Everytime his phone is in his face I think he's doing something he shouldn't be. I want to know what he's doing on his phone and if he's chatting with anyone. Everytime he ignores me or is in a bad mood I get sooo hurt. And I'm constantly crying. He keeps saying he wants to have another 3some but I'm scared to do it. I don't want to do it. But I don't want to disappoint him, I don't ever say no to him, we have sex every night. I'm very self conscious of my body and my looks. I hate myself and I don't even know why. I started online classes last summer and I've failed 3 classes cuz I can't concentrate. I want to buy a Spyware to monitor his phone activity cuz I don't trust him. Am I overreacting cuz I feel maybe karma has come back to me for my cheating?? I can't even imagine living without him. But at the same time I'm starting to resent him. I don't want that to happen cuz he's a great guy and when things are good between us we're awesome together...I could really use anything anyone has to offer...

I've lost myself
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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:44 PM
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

"great guys" don't join dating and hook-up sites, and lie about it to their wife.

"great guys" don't force their wife into threesomes when she's not willing.

Sorry you are here.

Please break up your initial post into paragraphs, so its not one wall of text. Makes it so much easier to read.

I'm sure someone will be along soon with some advice for you.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:45 PM
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

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Originally Posted by lizard217223 View Post
I can't even imagine living without him.
It's time to start using your imagination.
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post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 03:22 PM
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

so let me understand this, you had several cheating moments early on in your marriage he is not aware of and now that he wants to cheat your upset....i call that hypocrisy....seriously i get your upset that he is doing this behind your back but how can you look at him with a straight face and be upset with his actions...shame on you.
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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 03:29 PM
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

Meh.

Scrolling along...
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 03:36 PM
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

Marriage is meant for 2 people only to share life with. When others are brought in the mix, things happen, usually not good things.
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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 03:37 PM
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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 03:38 PM
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

Lizard,

You wrote, In the beginning I wasn't always faithful. I have had a couple of one night stands and 2 affairs. All of which he has no idea of.

I'm not so sure he didn't know, it is rare that the cheated on spouse does not sense something, they are often crushed and paralyzed yet say nothing. They go on for years that way not trusting and broken, it can pop up as alcoholism, workaholism, low self-esteem, etc.

I think you should do the right thing and confess, I suspect you H already knows.

Are your affairs and ONS still in your life in any way?

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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

So you can have affairs and he can't? Hmmm.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 04:03 PM
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

Before I met my wife I was a cuckold. My live in girlfriend would have sex with others guys once or twice a week and then come home, sit on my face and tell me how many times and how many guys until she orgasmed. After that I could ask her to do anything I wanted. So when I married my virgin wife, I told her that since I was the only person she had sex with, she should try it with others and she did. One night on the drive home after a wife swap with our best friends, she told me that she did not want to have sex with other men anymore. She did not enjoy other men or have an orgasm with them. She said that I would be the only man in her life. I did not try to change her mind even though my fetish was watching her with other men.

I have been into a fetish lifestyle going on fifty years. Most of my friends are into three or more somes as well as wife swapping and swinging. They are all divorced and we aren't. We ended up sharing my wife's best friend for most of our marriage but that is a long story. It was not my fetish but rather my wife's.

There are many reasons why so many men these days want to have their wife have sex with other men and the porn industry is cranking out a lot of hot wife and cuckold videos to feed the need. There are forums filled with hundreds of thousands of husbands wishing that they wife would have sex with other men and if you read their posts you soon realize that sex revolves all around them. They will give some BS reasons like they want their wife to get as much pleasure as they can and yet do not feel they should do the same. I have read that 60% of patients who seek psychological help for this are bisexual either openly or not. I have cuckolded a husband for 25 years. He is bi but will not have sex directly with another man, so he has his wife have sex with me and for a while, other men so that he can get aroused by having he describe what she did and sometimes even taste the other man on his wife. There are other reasons too like sperm competition, the king complex where the wife becomes more valuable because other men want her and yet she returns to him every time. Others view it as a live sex show where they get to go home with the star.

It sounds to me like you are seeing that your husband loves you because you feed his fetish. Once you stopped, he went looking for someone else to play with. I will not lie, some fetishes will gnaw at you constantly. Some men cannot get sexually aroused unless they are living out their fetish. Sounds like you are seeing the beginning of the end. I know that you do not want to hear that but I have seen this very thing happen with our kinky friends. Sometimes it is the husband who wants to stop when he sees his wife making love with other men rather than just having sex like he pictures in his mind. Other times it is the woman who wants to stop because she feels she is being used for one purpose and that is to be an actor in her husband's fantasy. It is funny that many married women who have sex with other men at their husband's urging, end up resenting him for not loving them enough to want them all to himself, like the other husbands do.

I wish you luck but you already see the writing on the wall and what will happen if you stop being an actor in his fantasy life. It is now up to you.
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post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 04:16 PM
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

Stop fvcking other men.

You are a cheater that never came clean, he is obviously being negatively impacted by you fvcking other men(he is messed up and you know it), and fvcking other men has done nothing but fvck up your life, the cheating, 4 men?, and fvcking other men in front of your husband.

Now he is starting down the path you already traveled 4 times and both of you are getting more and more screwed up.

Get into IC. Confess your cheating to your husband, hold nothing back, and tell him you aren't fvcking other men anymore.

Do you really think what you have going is a marriage?

Starting to swing when you already have problems is always a disaster!

Hope you and your hubby get healthy. You are both desperately ill right now and your marriage is almost dead.
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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 04:34 PM
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

Ridiculously simple. He's not a monogamist. His kinks include threesomes. He has multiple dating/hook up profiles because he wants to screw other women. If that's not the lifestyle you want, get a divorce.
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post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 04:42 PM
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

Welcome to TAM my Lady.

Maybe I am not going to give you a good advice,because I would never share "love of my life" like you said, but you really need to talk with your husband.

This is second Marriage for both of you and you didnt learn anything from it. What is even worse you cheated on him with "night stands" and then have 2 Affairs.

After that you bring another guy in your marriage to have threesomes every single week.This was going on for years. To make things a lot worse you introduce another guy in your marriage.

Stop sharing yourself with others. You said you are worried about your sex life and you are doing it because of him. It is not true. Be honest with yourself.

Talk with him and your boundaries. Stop this sharing,swinging shi77 before it is to late.

You are in best years my Lady,only 42 so make it even better. I belive you want to spend your life and grow old with him. Maybe someday watch your grandkids together,so go for it and try hard.

I am not trying to hurt your feelings but really you need to think about your life and your choices.

Stay strong my Lady.
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post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 04:47 PM
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
Before I met my wife I was a cuckold. My live in girlfriend would have sex with others guys once or twice a week and then come home, sit on my face and tell me how many times and how many guys until she orgasmed. After that I could ask her to do anything I wanted. So when I married my virgin wife, I told her that since I was the only person she had sex with, she should try it with others and she did. One night on the drive home after a wife swap with our best friends, she told me that she did not want to have sex with other men anymore. She did not enjoy other men or have an orgasm with them. She said that I would be the only man in her life. I did not try to change her mind even though my fetish was watching her with other men.

I have been into a fetish lifestyle going on fifty years. Most of my friends are into three or more somes as well as wife swapping and swinging. They are all divorced and we aren't. We ended up sharing my wife's best friend for most of our marriage but that is a long story. It was not my fetish but rather my wife's.

There are many reasons why so many men these days want to have their wife have sex with other men and the porn industry is cranking out a lot of hot wife and cuckold videos to feed the need. There are forums filled with hundreds of thousands of husbands wishing that they wife would have sex with other men and if you read their posts you soon realize that sex revolves all around them. They will give some BS reasons like they want their wife to get as much pleasure as they can and yet do not feel they should do the same. I have read that 60% of patients who seek psychological help for this are bisexual either openly or not. I have cuckolded a husband for 25 years. He is bi but will not have sex directly with another man, so he has his wife have sex with me and for a while, other men so that he can get aroused by having he describe what she did and sometimes even taste the other man on his wife. There are other reasons too like sperm competition, the king complex where the wife becomes more valuable because other men want her and yet she returns to him every time. Others view it as a live sex show where they get to go home with the star.

It sounds to me like you are seeing that your husband loves you because you feed his fetish. Once you stopped, he went looking for someone else to play with. I will not lie, some fetishes will gnaw at you constantly. Some men cannot get sexually aroused unless they are living out their fetish. Sounds like you are seeing the beginning of the end. I know that you do not want to hear that but I have seen this very thing happen with our kinky friends. Sometimes it is the husband who wants to stop when he sees his wife making love with other men rather than just having sex like he pictures in his mind. Other times it is the woman who wants to stop because she feels she is being used for one purpose and that is to be an actor in her husband's fantasy. It is funny that many married women who have sex with other men at their husband's urging, end up resenting him for not loving them enough to want them all to himself, like the other husbands do.

I wish you luck but you already see the writing on the wall and what will happen if you stop being an actor in his fantasy life. It is now up to you.
I hope I dont get banned for this or hurt someones feelings,but this is C.R.A.P my friend.

What studies did you read,that tell "all husbands" want to watch their wife with other men ????????????????

I am still young guy,but I never met a sole with that thinking.
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post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 12:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm scared the sex will stop

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Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
so let me understand this, you had several cheating moments early on in your marriage he is not aware of and now that he wants to cheat your upset....i call that hypocrisy....seriously i get your upset that he is doing this behind your back but how can you look at him with a straight face and be upset with his actions...shame on you.
It upsets me because I show him the proof and he continues to lie about it.

I've lost myself
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