I confronted my husband about his porn and he left. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 02:06 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you everyone for suggestions.

Last edited by Dream123; 02-22-2016 at 02:28 PM. Reason: I feel like I've been living in my head these last few days, don't feel like doing anything. I'm afraid I'm getting depressed. I'm going to find a psychiatrist a possibly get some medicine. I don't
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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 02:17 PM Thread Starter
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We have a joint bank account, so I don't have any savings of my own. The apartment we are renting is almost $3000 a month. I can't afford that. I assume he will come back because all his clothes is here. I don't make a lot of money right now because I'm taking a lot of classes and can only work part time to keep my grades up. I have a job lined up after the semester is over. I applied for a loan to support myself till the end of semester. Hopefully, I will get approved.
When you are dealing with an addict, you have to look out for yourself, and become emotionally and financially independent from the addict. Let the addict be alone with his/her addiction and its consequences. Getting your own finances is a good thing because you are looking out for yourself. In addition, do you have, or can you get a counselor?

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I told my close friend about this situation and she told me I can stay with her and her fiancé until I start working. I really don't want to inconvenience anyone though.
Moving out is a good idea. How long have you known these friends? If you do feel you have known her long enough to really know her, be careful about getting emotionally attached to her fiance. You are vulnerable, and you could get attached to him and start an EA, which could lead to a PA. I know this sounds like the last thing that you would ever do, since you love your husband, however it is something that can happen very easily, even when you are not looking for it. Keep good boundaries with the finace, and don't talk about anything personal with him.
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The crazy thing is that if my husband came and ask me to forgive him, I probably would give him another chance. That's not him though, he never admits that he is wrong. Did I even matter? Did I enable him to behave like this? What is wrong with me for staying this long and hoping for things to change? These are all rhetorical questions....
Do not take him back based on his words alone. Wait several months and look at his behavior. He needs to get into a program for addicts. He will need to do a lot of other things to prove to you he has changed. Do not ever do anything that you are not 100% on board with. You are also allowed to change your mind and grow as a person.
I do have a counselor but I haven't been seeing her that often because it's hard to fit in my schedule but I made an appointment today.

I have known my friends for about two years now. They are my very dear friends, almost like family. I see how getting attached to her fiancé could be a potential concern but I don't see this happening. They both have very strong values and they even waiting to have sex until they get married in May (yes, people still do that). Plus, if I do move in with them, I'm planning to be mostly at school and work most days. Also, they are leaving to go out of country for 1,5 months in the beginning of May.
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 02:22 PM Thread Starter
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Is he turning you down for sex and watching porn instead? Is he affectionate even when your sex life is good for both of you?
Richard,

If I initiate sex he doesn't usually turn me down but it has to be done a certain way. That should include a role playing outfit or I should be sending dirty messages to him all day prior to him coming home etc. Basically, I have to have my game on and plan it ahead. The times when we would go to bed and I would tell him I was in the mood he usually replies: " Now? You've had all day!" and would go to sleep. He never initiated sex first. The closest to initiating sex is he can draw a bath for me which means he wants for me to tease him afterwards. Like I said before, I don't mind initiating but not all the time.

And no, he isn't affectionate even when the sex love is good. Honestly, I don't think he knows what it means. I tried to explain him what it means to me, gave him examples of how he can show his affection to me, bought him books on how to be more affectionate -- nothing has changed.[/QUOTE]
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 02:27 PM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

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I think deep down I keep hoping that we can work everything out and be happy. I like the idea of us, the hopes and dreams I had for this relationship and marriage. I think I've been closing my eyes to all the red flags. We have been married for 8 years. I've been wanting to start a family but he never wants to talk about it. Clearly, we can't start a family now. I feel now that he only wanted me to fulfill his fantasies and never really wanted to have a family with me. I'm so confused.
Read this book. I know you're in school, but MAKE the time. Then let us know what you think.

And btw, what he is saying is not the truth. If he's not willing to meet YOUR needs, he has no right to expect his to be met.
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 08:53 AM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

He's very into porn.

He wants role play all the time.

He wants you to dress "skanky" when you're role playing and, judging by your wording, when you go out.

He "pimped you out" online and even sent your picture.



Google "hot wife" and "dogging". It seems like he has fantasies and desires that involve you having sex with other men and/or couples.

Frankly, I think your best chance at a decent life, a decent marriage, and a stable family is to divorce this "man" and move on.
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 09:18 AM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

he'd best live his life as a bachelor.

it's obvious he doesn't know how to treat a woman in a loving, tender manner.

that is really one of the essentials to getting married; "to love and to cherish".

men that don't get this are better off being single IMHO.
they can 'score' when they are able with like minded women, watch and pleasure themselves with porn,
go to strip clubs and the like.
There's lots of options for single guys.

for guys that want to get married, figure it out long and hard before you take those vows.
as i write this, i'm talking to myself as much as anyone. i need to remind myself every single day, and never forget it.

OP, sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but i doubt it will change,
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 06:01 PM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

The most popular fetish these days is having your wife have sex with others. There are many psychological reasons for that, too numerous to go into here. The porn industry knows this and cranks out cuckolding and hot wife porn every day which then makes it seem like everyone is doing it and allows men to masturbate to it so much that it is the only thing that turns them on much.

In the interest in full disclosure I will say that my wife and I engaged in various forms of group sex after we married and then lived with a woman we shared as a lover for most of our 40+ year marriage. I did not get pleasure from watching my wife with another man and neither did my wife. However, my wife does enjoy watching me and joining in with another woman. We are not your regular married couple but we are a very successful and happy married couple.

To make things weirder for you I will tell you how my wife stopped my masturbation. After we left our lifelong girlfriend, sex as a couple was not as exciting anymore so I turned to porn. I was spending many hours watching porn and masturbating to it. I went online and found something interesting. It is called chastity play. Although most websites present it as a Mistress/slave thing, it can be part of that but it also stands on its own. Now for the very weird; I wear a custom made chastity cage that my wife has the keys to. I am unable to masturbate anymore and my wife decides when I get to have an orgasm. After allowing me to have a few thousand threesomes with our girlfriend, she now feels in control of our sex life. We still have regular sex but most times only she is permitted to have an orgams. That leaves me sexually aroused for weeks at time and that makes me much more attentive to her sexually and otherwise. Chastity play does not have to involved a chastity device. You can just go on the honor system. It worked for us and a lot of other married couples. Research it but skip over the stuff that says you have to become a dominatrix to do it. It is nothing more than a form of Tantric sex.
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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 08:38 PM Thread Starter
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The most popular fetish these days is having your wife have sex with others. There are many psychological reasons for that, too numerous to go into here. The porn industry knows this and cranks out cuckolding and hot wife porn every day which then makes it seem like everyone is doing it and allows men to masturbate to it so much that it is the only thing that turns them on much.

In the interest in full disclosure I will say that my wife and I engaged in various forms of group sex after we married and then lived with a woman we shared as a lover for most of our 40+ year marriage. I did not get pleasure from watching my wife with another man and neither did my wife. However, my wife does enjoy watching me and joining in with another woman. We are not your regular married couple but we are a very successful and happy married couple.

To make things weirder for you I will tell you how my wife stopped my masturbation. After we left our lifelong girlfriend, sex as a couple was not as exciting anymore so I turned to porn. I was spending many hours watching porn and masturbating to it. I went online and found something interesting. It is called chastity play. Although most websites present it as a Mistress/slave thing, it can be part of that but it also stands on its own. Now for the very weird; I wear a custom made chastity cage that my wife has the keys to. I am unable to masturbate anymore and my wife decides when I get to have an orgasm. After allowing me to have a few thousand threesomes with our girlfriend, she now feels in control of our sex life. We still have regular sex but most times only she is permitted to have an orgams. That leaves me sexually aroused for weeks at time and that makes me much more attentive to her sexually and otherwise. Chastity play does not have to involved a chastity device. You can just go on the honor system. It worked for us and a lot of other married couples. Research it but skip over the stuff that says you have to become a dominatrix to do it. It is nothing more than a form of Tantric sex.
Thank you for the suggestion but that's not my type of lifestyle and goes against everything I believe in. My best wishes to you.
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 08:25 AM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

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Richard,

If I initiate sex he doesn't usually turn me down but it has to be done a certain way. That should include a role playing outfit or I should be sending dirty messages to him all day prior to him coming home etc. Basically, I have to have my game on and plan it ahead. The times when we would go to bed and I would tell him I was in the mood he usually replies: " Now? You've had all day!" and would go to sleep. He never initiated sex first. The closest to initiating sex is he can draw a bath for me which means he wants for me to tease him afterwards. Like I said before, I don't mind initiating but not all the time.

And no, he isn't affectionate even when the sex love is good. Honestly, I don't think he knows what it means. I tried to explain him what it means to me, gave him examples of how he can show his affection to me, bought him books on how to be more affectionate -- nothing has changed.
[/QUOTE]


Love him for who he is, or let him go. Trying to change him will frustrate both of you. Sounds like you are both very different.

What brought you together in the first place?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 09:38 PM Thread Starter
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So my husband got back home two days ago. He hasn't said a word to me. This evening when I got home, he grabbed a bottle of vodka and went to the balcony to drink. He has been sober for the last 2.5 years, as I mentioned earlier. I followed him and asked him: "What do you think you are doing? It took you so much effort for you to quit, don't start now, please." His response was: "I know what the f**k I'm doing." It's seems that everything is crumbling down. I'm not sure what to do any more(
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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 09:55 PM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

Prepare to take care of yourself. Without him. He is showing you who he is.
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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 02:24 AM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

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He didn't say a word, packed a small suitcase and left. Any advice please.
Be happy that he's gone and now, FILE FOR A DIVORCE!

choose happiness
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 03:32 AM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

Last update was almost 10 months. Seems things were "crumbling"...

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 01:55 PM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

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Be happy that he's gone and now, FILE FOR A DIVORCE!
@jimrich please check the last posting date on a thread before you reply to it. I might be mistaken but I think you're a repeat offender in this regard. It's a bit of a time waster.
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