I confronted my husband about his porn and he left. - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2016, 12:26 PM Thread Starter
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I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

On Saturday I confronted my husband about his secret Instagram account where he followed porn star looking women(look up Jocelyn Cano to get an idea). His response was that it was my fault because if we had more sex, he wouldn't have to. That's true, we haven't had in two months. And by we didn't have sex, it means that I didn't initiate it. To me sex is more than just physical, it's also an emotional connection. My husband has a tendency of giving me silent treatments, plus he shows no affection to me at all unless we have sex. After awhile this affected me, so I haven't really been feeling connected to my husband and didn't want to initiate sex. On Saturday, when he told me that sex is really important to him. I told him that it's important to me as well but if he shows no affection at all and looks at other naked women, sex is the last thing on my mind. He replied: "Why are we talking about you? I'm telling you what I need." I replied to him that the needs if both partners should be met in a relationship, not just one. He said: "That's why I can never talk to you." And he stopped talking to me for the rest of the day.
To be honest, I feel like I have built up a resentment against my husband. I can never talk to him about anything because if I dare to disagree, he shuts down and doesn't talk to me for days. The only time he kisses or touches me is during sex, or a kiss goodbye before work. When we do have sex, it's always always role playing. It's never just us. Don't take me wrong, I like role playing but not 100% of the time. He keeps trying to dress me by buying me really skanky clothes. I told him I will wear it for him at home but not in public. He gets mad and tells me I'm selfish and don't respect his opinion. To clarify to all the men who will be jumping in his defense: I do dress nicely and sexy all the time. I always have my make up on, my hair done etc. Basically I take a good care of myself and I'm not overweight. I refuse to look like a cheap **** in public though and that's what my husband wants. He tells me it turn him on when other men look at me. Which leads to his fantasy of me having sex with another guy and telling him about it. I was ok with it while it was a fantasy(although creeped out a little deep inside). Shortly, he wasn't ok with just fantasy and kept suggesting me to hook up with a guy at a strip club, have a one night stand with somebody I meet at a bar etc. I kept telling him it I didn't want to do it. Well, I found out later that he posted an ad on Craigslist basically pimping me out to a couple to have sex with. I had no idea about it!!! He even send them my pictures!
Also I found out that he has been looking at women on international dating web site, plus has over 50 porn videos on his phone. A lot of them with Korean women. So I confronted him about it. He didn't say a word, packed a small suitcase and left. The crazy thing is even though I'm hurt, I worry about him. Worried that he will start drinking again(he has been sober for 2,5 yrs). Any advice please.
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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2016, 12:39 PM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

Dream, does your husband have any good qualities? What are they?

Basic porn watching is common for lots of guys. I am more concerned about him blaming you for his porn habit, his selfishness, his inability to communicate like an adult, the date sites and most of all, pimping you out. Wow.

You probably will get lots of advice to let him go and divorce him. If that is not what you want, tell us why you want him back, besides just saying that you love him.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2016, 01:10 PM Thread Starter
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He can be really sweet and caring sometimes. He has a great sense of humor when he is in a good mood. He is intiligent. He supports me while I'm going to school, I only work part time. Which is in a way his way of controlling me because he knows I depend on him.I don't really know any more. I feel like I'm questioning everything I know about my husband now. It seems like he has this dark side that I only see the surface of and if I dig any deeper there is no coming back.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2016, 01:17 PM Thread Starter
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I think deep down I keep hoping that we can work everything out and be happy. I like the idea of us, the hopes and dreams I had for this relationship and marriage. I think I've been closing my eyes to all the red flags. We have been married for 8 years. I've been wanting to start a family but he never wants to talk about it. Clearly, we can't start a family now. I feel now that he only wanted me to fulfill his fantasies and never really wanted to have a family with me. I'm so confused.
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2016, 01:26 PM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

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Originally Posted by Dream123 View Post
He can be really sweet and caring sometimes. He has a great sense of humor when he is in a good mood. He is intiligent. He supports me while I'm going to school, I only work part time. Which is in a way his way of controlling me because he knows I depend on him.I don't really know any more. I feel like I'm questioning everything I know about my husband now. It seems like he has this dark side that I only see the surface of and if I dig any deeper there is no coming back.
Did you notice that every positive item you listed had a negative qualifier?

Sweet and caring...sometimes.

Sense of humor....when he is in good mood.

He supports me ... which is his way of controlling me.

What is your financial situation? Are you able to make it work if he does not come back?
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2016, 02:17 PM Thread Starter
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We have a joint bank account, so I don't have any savings of my own. The apartment we are renting is almost $3000 a month. I can't afford that. I assume he will come back because all his clothes is here. I don't make a lot of money right now because I'm taking a lot of classes and can only work part time to keep my grades up. I have a job lined up after the semester is over. I applied for a loan to support myself till the end of semester. Hopefully, I will get approved. I told my close friend about this situation and she told me I can stay with her and her fiancé until I start working. I really don't want to inconvenience anyone though. The crazy thing is that if my husband came and ask me to forgive him, I probably would give him another chance. That's not him though, he never admits that he is wrong. Did I even matter? Did I enable him to behave like this? What is wrong with me for staying this long and hoping for things to change? These are all rhetorical questions....
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2016, 02:37 PM Thread Starter
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Also, for the first 5 years of our marriage he had an alcoholism addiction, he had been dry for the last 2,5years. It seems like his porn interest/addiction started getting much stronger after he quit drinking. I just can't handle fighting to win him over any more! I'm so tired.
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-21-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

Your hb has a raging porn addiction, and frankly he did you a favor walking. If he tries to come back I'd put a condition on it that he quit porn and get some treatment for it.

Remember that porn impedes the ability to have true intimacy with a real person, and most of the mainstream porn involves men taking and giving nothing in return. Women exist to serve and provide pleasure and that's it.

That's why you don't have your own needs to him, women exist to provide him pleasure. That's the modus operandi of mainstream porn. He doesn't have to think about anyone but himself.

Let him live a life of jerking it to porn. ....it's a very lonely way to live. Cut him off and go on with your life.

If he decides you're more important you can reconsider.
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 08:52 AM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

Sorry for your situation. Almost this exact scenario has been posted before. I hope you get yourself some help with your problems.
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 09:35 AM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

i'm sorry (and i mean it sincerely), but it sounds like you married a 'man boy'.

this guy's not ready for marriage.

some day maybe he'll grow up, but it isn't right now.
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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 09:58 AM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

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Originally Posted by Dream123 View Post
We have a joint bank account, so I don't have any savings of my own. The apartment we are renting is almost $3000 a month. I can't afford that. I assume he will come back because all his clothes is here. I don't make a lot of money right now because I'm taking a lot of classes and can only work part time to keep my grades up. I have a job lined up after the semester is over. I applied for a loan to support myself till the end of semester. Hopefully, I will get approved.
When you are dealing with an addict, you have to look out for yourself, and become emotionally and financially independent from the addict. Let the addict be alone with his/her addiction and its consequences. Getting your own finances is a good thing because you are looking out for yourself. In addition, do you have, or can you get a counselor?

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I told my close friend about this situation and she told me I can stay with her and her fiancé until I start working. I really don't want to inconvenience anyone though.
Moving out is a good idea. How long have you known these friends? If you do feel you have known her long enough to really know her, be careful about getting emotionally attached to her fiance. You are vulnerable, and you could get attached to him and start an EA, which could lead to a PA. I know this sounds like the last thing that you would ever do, since you love your husband, however it is something that can happen very easily, even when you are not looking for it. Keep good boundaries with the finace, and don't talk about anything personal with him.
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The crazy thing is that if my husband came and ask me to forgive him, I probably would give him another chance. That's not him though, he never admits that he is wrong. Did I even matter? Did I enable him to behave like this? What is wrong with me for staying this long and hoping for things to change? These are all rhetorical questions....
Do not take him back based on his words alone. Wait several months and look at his behavior. He needs to get into a program for addicts. He will need to do a lot of other things to prove to you he has changed. Do not ever do anything that you are not 100% on board with. You are also allowed to change your mind and grow as a person.
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 10:05 AM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

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Moving out is a good idea. How long have you known these friends? If you do feel you have known her long enough to really know her, be careful about getting emotionally attached to her fiance. You are vulnerable, and you could get attached to him and start an EA, which could lead to a PA. I know this sounds like the last thing that you would ever do, since you love your husband, however it is something that can happen very easily, even when you are not looking for it. Keep good boundaries with the finace, and don't talk about anything personal with him.
Good advice. Actually, very good advice.
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 10:18 AM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

Good evening
Sex, love and non-sexual affection are all tied up together for many people. Sometimes a couple can get caught in a feedback: A doesn't want sex without non-sexual affection, B doesn't feel like non-sexual affection without sex. If they could only get there both would be happy with lots of sex and lots of non-sexual affection.

Is he turning you down for sex and watching porn instead? Is he affectionate even when your sex life is good for both of you?
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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 01:51 PM Thread Starter
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some day maybe he'll grow up, but it isn't right now.
Well, he is actually 15 years older than me. So I'm not sure when he is going to grow up.
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 02:02 PM
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Re: I confronted my husband about his porn and he left.

he is showing the behavior and flags that are usually associated to Porn addiction. The emotional withdrawal, the emotionally disconnection sex, porn videos and the dating websites all tell me its an issue with creating porn fantasy in his head about what his sex life is supposed to be based on what he's watching and then getting resentful when his reality doesn't match his fantasy and then he holds you accountable for the deficiency.

IF he doesn't get help or to talk to somebody about his porn habits it may lead to further problems down the road for your relationship.
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