I know writing this won't help me fix any problems, but confession is good for the soul right? Hopefully that's true, even if you're not confessing to the right people.
I have always had an abundant sexual appetite, but have written it off as part of being a red blooded American man. In high school, I began watching internet porn and would stay up late (4 am) waiting to see sexual programs on HBO. Again, I've always thought this was just part of my curiosity and came from growing up learning that masturbation was wrong, sex was wrong until you're married, and all the other "traditional" values. While I lived at home with my parents, their oversight kept me in check. I had three sexual partners in high school. One was medium term, the other two were one night stands. I didn't have intercourse with any of them, just oral and manual sex. Still, I managed to masturbate at least every night, and usually more often than that.
Once I arrived at college, I had an abundant amount of free time, a room mate who was gone a lot, a campus full of coeds, and a high speed internet connection. At that point, pornography became a major part of my life, and I would masturbate at night when I thought my room mate was asleep (he was six feet away). Porn breaks in the middle of the day became the norm. Hookups became a major motivation for me. In my first year, I had 6 more sexual partners and experienced intercourse for the first time. In this span, I met my future wife, we were just friends at the time.
At this point, porn and sex hadn't yet affected my daily life. Every now and then I would stay up late and suffer the next day, but I could easily manage. Then I started dating my wife and added another 3 partners. At first I was incredibly satisfied with our sex life. My girlfriend (future wife) was exploring her sexuality in the same way I was exploring mine. Porn was less important for a while, and I needed less of it since my urges were being satisfied.
My wife and I got married and things were great for a while. I spent 6 mo. off of porn completely. Then our sex life began to cool. And masturbation became an outlet. Then porn came back. Over the last two years, I've been sneaking as much porn in as I can. Lately, this hasn't been exciting enough. I've needed more contact and more stimulation. I've spent 100's of hours watching cam girls, and just as many browsing websites looking for casual sex and prostitutes. I've also had phone sex and chat sex with random women online during the same period, although much less frequently and this is met with extreme guilt on my part. So far, I haven't met a prostitute or offline hookup, but that is exactly where I'm headed and the thought terrifies me. I deeply love my wife and wish we had a more fulfilling sex life (I'm working on that separately), but I need to fix my behavior to be the man my wife deserves.
To remedy this, I'm keeping myself off of chat sites and all web pages with adult listings. Porn is harder for me to battle, especially since I'm on a dry spell, but I'm weening myself off until it reaches a healthy level or disappears completely (and I'm well aware those might be the same thing).
Anyway, this is my confession, at least the cliff notes version. Any encouragement, scrutiny, condemnation, and advice from people who've gone through this are welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
You've been pretty honest with us, but have you tried broaching this with your wife yet? Hopefully you guys have a good relationship and she can extend understanding over the pain to help and support you.
Obviously, counseling is going to be needed at this point... If you feel you may do something risky, such as meet up with a prostitute, you need to get help immediately. Such an act could endanger your life!! You can get help first, if you feel your wife would be less than understanding, (and let's face it, most of us would flip).
Do what you have to do to make this happen! Good luck!!
Thanks Yin. The wife would flip out, and I need to be farther along before I tell her. Seeing everything written down like that has given me some perspective on how badly I've been treating her and how much I need to change. I'm motivated and moving forward, and I think posting on here in part as a journal and in part for encouragement/advice is the best option for me right now, unfortunately traditional therapy isn't practical.
I promise, no looking up hookers or nsa hookups, I'm working on recommitting to my wife and that's first in my life right now.
Good for you for recognizing that this is a problem. You need to redirect your thoughts away from your obsession. Replace the porn with movies that you like, regular websites, perhaps occasional gaming, although that can be an obsession too. Exercise may help release pent up energy. The more you think that you need porn, the more you will need it. So make sure you occupy your brain with other diversions.
Brainstorm with your wife ways to spice up your sex life. Different positions, different areas of the house, blindfolds, massages, changing the order of who comes first.
Stick with your plan, and do not give up for there will be some back sliding for a while.
Thanks lovesherman, I really appreciate it. I'm focusing on hobbies and have recognized my biggest problem is I stay up late. Nothing good happens after 2 am right?
I'm trying to work with my wife on getting back into the groove with our sex life, I actually have another post on that right now (Thanks for your help there as well). I actually just bought her a new toy to replace an old one she lost, and thought it might be a good way to kick start things. Wish I'd paid for rush shipping now though, it's like waiting for a Christmas present.
So, it's been more than a week without porn and have only masturbated twice in the same period. I'm up late working and am starting to feel that itch. Reading through the old thread has helped and I appreciate all the encouragement.
As a question (know I'm not there now), can you go back to responsibly enjoying adult entertainment? My wife has some interest in adult movies and likes to break them out as a treat. Opinions?
I repeat - have you looked into 12 step programs? There are at least 5 organizations that do them for sex addicts.
If you truly are an addict, you will not be able to enjoy porn at all. Can an alcoholic have just one drink? You also need to go through about a month or more of being 'sober' in order to get rid of the cravings. And being sober means no masturbation or sex. Nada. Nothing.
As an update: since my original post, I've been off of cam sites, adult personal websites, and escort ads completely. Porn is still a struggle, especially since my wife's sex drive has been a bit low and I've been told to "take care of it" on a couple of occasions. However, my internet porn visits have significantly declined, and I'm not participating in the all night long, watch until your eyes bleed pornathons. Things with the wife have been wonderful, we're both reinvesting in our relationship and we've had two or three really good weeks in a row now.
Thank you all for the support and advice, hopefully I can keep this positive momentum up and just keep rolling.
Have you thought of joining a 12 step group? My husband is a recovering sex addict, and a member of Sex Addicts Anonymous. He goes every week and has been sober since June 2010.
Hi hope, i read one of ur responses to a thread saying ur husband is or was a sex addict? I need some help. My husband is a sex addict now and we are seperated for the third time this year. We have two young kids and he cheated on me all of our 4 yr marriage. He seems to be addicted to porn and sex but yet is attracted to me. He is in a very low place right bow and is depressed all around. Hes been to marriage counsling with me. But yet nothing is changing the life style he desires a "bachelor" on. But he says he is sick of hurting me and his goal is to be happy all around as a father and a husband. Wat do u think? Or wat should i do? Ur advice can really help me. - can u message me- sara Posted via Mobile Device
As a man you need to find an accountability partner. Yes as a wife we take this personal because we are female. You definately are not alone and are on the right path. Be aware of your triggers. everyone now a days thinks that we can't live without computers in our house, but get rid of your computer or give your wife all passwords, have a trusted friend download Safe Eyes. its free for 30 days. Get a new phone that has no web. Train your eyes to bounce at all sexy images. It's about retraining the mind.
As a wife it took me 15 years to realize this deep struggle for men. As I had more mercy and understanding towards my own husband it showed him that he could open up and share this struggle with me. I then worked on being more and more open sexually with him. That no matter what I wasn''t going to deny him. It means a lot to him that the Porn struggle is a "We" struggle rather than a "He" issue. Take action or you may lose your wife forever..........