Why I Stay - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-08-2016, 11:26 AM Thread Starter
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Why I Stay

This!

9 Good Reasons to Stay with a Sex Addict | The Impact of Sex Addiction

As my DH and I navigate this world of SA, it's tough when we're in a low spot (whether it be a trigger, him acting out, or even the appearance of it). When I struggle with boundaries (I'm a huge conflict-avoider). But when it comes down to it...this article is spot on! Just wanted to share.

1) Psychological vs Moral Issue- although his actions during his acting out ARE selfish and uncaring...that is NOT who he is.

2) the addict can be vulnerable- my DH accepts my views,opinions, and strengths

3) Basis for intimacy- I am a better person because I am in this relationship

4) Confidence in a recovery plan- While we both waiver when we're at a low spot, but we both want to improve ourselves and build on our relationship.

5) There is still mutual attraction even if it is dormant- I was fortunate that my DH did some heavy lifting in his recovery before we met so we are able to speak out loud about being genuine in our sex life so it can weather the damage at the times of acting out.

6) Absence of serious psychopathology- even with the addiction, overall my DH has a high emotional intelligence.

7) Capacity for devotion-When my DH has acted out and a I go deep into introspection about him, me, and our relationship... I can say I truly do not question his respect and devotion for me and our relationship.

8) You are OK single- I've been there before (after my first marriage) and I know I am okay and can take care of myself

9) You can play the long game- This is the most difficult for me as I wish I could "Do" something. That surrender is tough. But know that I can do what I need for myself, to give me strength and recharge my batteries when they are low.
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 05:46 AM
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Re: Why I Stay

Define acting out.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 01:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why I Stay

Thanks peacem...sometimes when I am low (need to do better self care, I can get stuck)...this article really helped me put things in perspective.

@ConanHub- I could define what "acting out" means for my husband and I. But even for us it has evolved over time. TBH, the validity of that definition, is based on our discussions and our desires to care for and be cared for by each other.
For some, it can be simply porn use (however minimal). If the couple agrees that it isn't honoring for their union, its a valid boundary. For others, it could go as far as affairs or serial ONSs. Then there's everything in between. It's so couple specific.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 02:00 PM
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Re: Why I Stay

Porn is dffeent then an EA or PA as your spouse is not going to hook up with a porn star. How are you concretely protecting yourself when he meets the new soul mate we are meant to be together?
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why I Stay

@JohnA- Not sure if you are asking me directly or if it's just rhetorical but....my husband leaving me because he met his 'soul mate' could happen whether he struggled with SA or not. That could happen in a relationship without addiction. I don't have any guarantees. I just choose to love my husband, with his strengths and vulnerabilities.

If you're asking how one can protect their relationship, I would recommend visiting marriagebuilders.com (great website in how one can honor and love their spouse).

Porn and EA/PAs are VERY different, that's why I bracketed them along a spectrum. But I can't tell another person that porn is okay/not okay within their relationship. That's up to them. Some couples don't even acknowledge EAs as an issue. For other's it may be a dealbreaker.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 02:57 PM
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Re: Why I Stay

Quote:
Originally Posted by cons View Post
Thanks peacem...sometimes when I am low (need to do better self care, I can get stuck)...this article really helped me put things in perspective.

@ConanHub- I could define what "acting out" means for my husband and I. But even for us it has evolved over time. TBH, the validity of that definition, is based on our discussions and our desires to care for and be cared for by each other.
For some, it can be simply porn use (however minimal). If the couple agrees that it isn't honoring for their union, its a valid boundary. For others, it could go as far as affairs or serial ONSs. Then there's everything in between. It's so couple specific.
I was asking what he specifically does.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 03:10 PM
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Re: Why I Stay

Hi, I was attempting to establish the nature of his(?). sex addiction. There can be big differences. What exactly are you dealing with.

By the way I do admire people who stay and build a better marriage. But most times it is a sense of pity they where trapped in limbo and just accepted the status quo
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